How To Go Bald Gracefully

Bald cover up - NOT the author!
Bald cover up - NOT the author!

Male Hair Loss and Bald Men

The last time that I went to have my hair cut, the barber asked me “How would you like it, Sir?”

To which I replied, “A bit off the sides, and a lot off the floor please”.

Yes, sad to say, I am going bald and have lost most of my hair. What was once a “bald patch” has expanded to form a tract of baldness which now forms a large circle covering most of my head. The hair that remains has receded so much that some say that my head viewed from behind, resembles that of Friar Tuck or St Francis of Assisi. In short, I am beginning to look like a monk, and this is not to my liking.

So what’s to be done? What are the options available to me?

Well, I could have a hair transplant. But then again I could not, as I don’t have enough hair at the back of my neck for them to remove, and transplant on to the top of my head.

I could wear a hairpiece, thus making the personal statement:

”Look at me. I am wearing a false hairpiece on my head and I think you don’t notice. I am vain and self conscious, and think I look 20 years younger with his tuft of fluff on my noggin. I date girls younger than my daughter, and can still keep it up all night long (Viagra permitting). Come for a ride in my sports car?” No, I don’t think is my style at all.

I could wear a hat. I know men who are never, and I mean never, seen without their hat or baseball cap. Remember Elton John? He was never seen without a hat until his hair transplant was completed. Trouble is, in the last twenty years I have never been able to find a hat that suits me, and believe me I have tried. No, I am simply not a hat person.

Male Baldness - the Options

I could grow what hair I do have much longer, gather it together, and tie it at the back in a ponytail, thus making the personal statement:

“Look at me. I am getting old and it bothers me so much, that I have grown a pony tail to try to look and feel younger. I am not an old codger as you might think. No, as you can see from my pony tail, I am really a very interesting and artistic person. I used to play in a rock band, but now I work in a charity shop and like to help old ladies”. Hmm, not really me either.

I could grow my hair on one side long enough to be able to part it, then flatten it across the top of my head to the other side, thus covering my bare pate. Of course to complete this “look” I would need for my hair to be particularly greasy, to wear thick glasses, and to cultivate some large spots on my face. A set of rather stained and uneven yellow teeth wouldn’t go amiss either.

This has to be the worst option of all, and makes the personal statement:

“Look at me. I am the most uninteresting person you could ever have the misfortune to meet. I have a boring job, no friends, and my favourite pastimes are picking my nose and train spotting. For my holidays I go to Blackpool, where I sit on the beach in my deckchair with a four-cornered handkerchief on my head eating ice-cream. I also collect beer mats and used train timetables.”

I could have a face transplant. Then at least I would not feel bad about it, as I would look like someone else, and that person could feel bad about it instead of me.

I could shave my hair off completely. Become a boiled egg; bald as a coot. Yes, I could do this, but how do I know what I will find underneath? Perhaps there is a Gorbachov-esque stain in the shape of the USA, or worse, an embarrassing or offensive symbol, a ”V” sign, or something more worrisome.

This makes the personal statement: “Look at me. Yes, I am losing my hair, but I have decided to do something positive about it. Now you can’t tell how old I am can you? I look younger and more virile don’t I? Plus I am in step with current trends.”

Hmm, not bad that one. No more haircuts either, just a spot of polish and a rub with a dry cloth (can you buy bald head polish?).

A Shaved Head

And there are lots of men who have joined the bald head club and look great. Ben Kingsley, Bruce Willis (sorry André sadly I can’t say the same for you). Even women can look good with a cleanly shaved head, as Sinead O’Conner, and Demi Moore have demonstrated.

So, a bald shaved head seems like the best option. Instead of trying to stave off, hide or deny my baldness, I will fully embrace it. I will even voluntarily accelerate my hair loss by shaving off the last remains and assigning them to the dustbin.

But how will I handle the change of image? It’s a bit drastic isn’t it? What will I look like? Will people laugh at me? Will I laugh at me? Come to think of it, some men who shave their heads do look ridiculous. Will I be one of them?

Well, there is only one way to find out, and as the other alternatives fill me with dread, and I don’t want to be consigned to a monastery, then I will just have to take the plunge; bite the bullet; take the matter in hand.

So, tomorrow, I will burst through the suffocating veneer of my mid-life crisis leaving it in fragments (together with my hair) on the floor behind me, and sporting a shiny, freshly-shaven cranium , I will venture out into the world; invigorated and ready to meet the challenges of my golden years head on.

Now, would adding a shiny silver earring and a small tattoo help to reinforce my new image do you think, or is that taking thinks a bit too far?


Copyright (c) 2009-2013. All rights reserved

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Comments 28 comments

Bill 4 years ago

Very funny!

I went through the hair-loss dilemna a few years back & just bit the bullet and had my hair all buzzed off & then shaved smooth. Have kept it that way ever since.I think once you start worrying about hair-loss then you really should shave what vestiges of hair you have left & put the worry behind you.After-all you are still the same person but without any hair.

sannyasinman profile image

sannyasinman 5 years ago Author

light - have you found your perfect partner yet? And is he bald?

light 5 years ago

I really enjoy reading your articles. I think are great! About the one to find our perfect partner, this is absolutely right...

Kevin Dunsmore 6 years ago

Actually, what a shaved head says is "I'm trying too hard, and I want you to think that maybe I'm a guy with a full head of hair who just happened to choose this look."

If you want to go bald gracefully, keep your remaining hair clipped short and neat and stop trying to dodge reality.

Career military officers, who are often balding as they age, have the right idea.

daytripeer 6 years ago

I am glad I read this, for awhile, I was afraid my head was growing up through my hair. Very good hub. :-)

sannyasinman profile image

sannyasinman 7 years ago Author

Cath - thanks for your comment. Laughter heals, n'est-ce pas? :)

cathinfrance 7 years ago

I love this! So-o well-observed. It made me laugh out loud and not much does other than Jeeves & Wooster (and politicians asking to be taken seriously, obviously.) Will be reading your other articles Sann.

susannahf 7 years ago

Very funny! I like this one a lot. I think you should take some photos of all the possibilities, I would most like to see the shaven head one though - have you done it?

torimari profile image

torimari 7 years ago from Pennsylvania

Hehe, I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing on the forums.

sannyasinman profile image

sannyasinman 7 years ago Author

brujita - that's one more reason to shave my head! Thank you for your comment.

brujita 7 years ago

Sannyasinman,I think that bald man are super Sexy!

Antonio 7 years ago

Great writing and very funny. Well done.

sannyasinman profile image

sannyasinman 7 years ago Author

cally2 - I hope the thumb print gets smaller over the years:)

DT - you're a lucky man. Hang on to her (pardon the pun):)

Thanks both for your great comments.

Dwayne Terry profile image

Dwayne Terry 7 years ago

Love this! Lost most of mine years ago and didn't care. My wife thinks I am still sexy and that's all I need for a feel-good. Very good writing!

cally2 profile image

cally2 7 years ago from Paraparaumu, New Zealand

I don't think that the hair is disappearing completely though. Mine seems to be retreating inside my head to explode from nostrils and ears. I know where it all started.The thumb print that appeared shortly after my wedding.

sannyasinman profile image

sannyasinman 7 years ago Author

Terence, glad you liked it. Thanks for your comment.

Terence Gray profile image

Terence Gray 7 years ago from London, UK

Hilarious!!!! Even funnier cause I recently had a conversation with a good friend about baldness & the lengths certain people go to to hide it while assuming no one would notice! Cheers, TG

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sannyasinman 7 years ago Author

Palthar, great comment and thanks for stopping by (you have a new fan).

Palthar 7 years ago

Ah, hair loss! What other event in a man's life has the power to emasculate a fellah with a power only slightly less than an honest gelding? I did the shaven-head thing for a time (which I recommend doing if only once, as the feeling one gets from skin that hasn't been bare since babyhood is quite enjoyable), but my problem was that everyone assumed that because I had a shaven cranium I must therefore be a skinhead. Right now I'm battling against it with a generic Wal-Mart minoxidil compound that seems to work fairly well, although by no means does it restore completely a barren desert to a thick forest. A good hub, well-written and pleasant to read.

sannyasinman profile image

sannyasinman 7 years ago Author

FP - no, I have not shaved it off yet . . but I will soon :)

Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 7 years ago from India

What a dilemma! :P

Did you go and shave it all off after all? My husband is in pretty much the same state...he's waiting to go grey before he goes completely bald!!

Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 7 years ago from India

What a dilemma! :P

Did you go and shave it all off after all? My husband is in pretty much the same state...he's waiting to go grey before he goes completely bald!!

sannyasinman profile image

sannyasinman 7 years ago Author

FK - yes indeed. By the way, that's not me in the photo with the "wrap around" hairstyle.

Flightkeeper profile image

Flightkeeper 7 years ago from The East Coast

very funny hub sanny. I guess most guys have to think about this somewhere in the back of their mind.

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sannyasinman 7 years ago Author

PDH - thanks for your comment.

prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 7 years ago from US

hi..this one is good for men lol and to the women also to keep their loved one posted...

sannyasinman profile image

sannyasinman 7 years ago Author

Hi Michael, glad you liked the hub, and thanks for your comment. Yes, the "wrap around" as you say, is most definitely the worst. I haven't seen one for quite a while - thank goodness.

Michael Willis profile image

Michael Willis 7 years ago from Arkansas

Great hub! I actually never worried about being bald on top! I keep my hair short! I save so much time and money (from hair products)

And the "wrap-around-do" or the "comb-over-do" to make it like I have hair......YIKES....Never!!!!!!!!!!!!

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