How To Go Bald Gracefully
Male Hair Loss and Bald Men
The last time that I went to have my hair cut, the barber asked me “How would you like it, Sir?”
To which I replied, “A bit off the sides, and a lot off the floor please”.
Yes, sad to say, I am going bald and have lost most of my hair. What was once a “bald patch” has expanded to form a tract of baldness which now forms a large circle covering most of my head. The hair that remains has receded so much that some say that my head viewed from behind, resembles that of Friar Tuck or St Francis of Assisi. In short, I am beginning to look like a monk, and this is not to my liking.
So what’s to be done? What are the options available to me?
Well, I could have a hair transplant. But then again I could not, as I don’t have enough hair at the back of my neck for them to remove, and transplant on to the top of my head.
I could wear a hairpiece, thus making the personal statement:
”Look at me. I am wearing a false hairpiece on my head and I think you don’t notice. I am vain and self conscious, and think I look 20 years younger with his tuft of fluff on my noggin. I date girls younger than my daughter, and can still keep it up all night long (Viagra permitting). Come for a ride in my sports car?” No, I don’t think is my style at all.
I could wear a hat. I know men who are never, and I mean never, seen without their hat or baseball cap. Remember Elton John? He was never seen without a hat until his hair transplant was completed. Trouble is, in the last twenty years I have never been able to find a hat that suits me, and believe me I have tried. No, I am simply not a hat person.
Male Baldness - the Options
I could grow what hair I do have much longer, gather it together, and tie it at the back in a ponytail, thus making the personal statement:
“Look at me. I am getting old and it bothers me so much, that I have grown a pony tail to try to look and feel younger. I am not an old codger as you might think. No, as you can see from my pony tail, I am really a very interesting and artistic person. I used to play in a rock band, but now I work in a charity shop and like to help old ladies”. Hmm, not really me either.
I could grow my hair on one side long enough to be able to part it, then flatten it across the top of my head to the other side, thus covering my bare pate. Of course to complete this “look” I would need for my hair to be particularly greasy, to wear thick glasses, and to cultivate some large spots on my face. A set of rather stained and uneven yellow teeth wouldn’t go amiss either.
This has to be the worst option of all, and makes the personal statement:
“Look at me. I am the most uninteresting person you could ever have the misfortune to meet. I have a boring job, no friends, and my favourite pastimes are picking my nose and train spotting. For my holidays I go to Blackpool, where I sit on the beach in my deckchair with a four-cornered handkerchief on my head eating ice-cream. I also collect beer mats and used train timetables.”
I could have a face transplant. Then at least I would not feel bad about it, as I would look like someone else, and that person could feel bad about it instead of me.
I could shave my hair off completely. Become a boiled egg; bald as a coot. Yes, I could do this, but how do I know what I will find underneath? Perhaps there is a Gorbachov-esque stain in the shape of the USA, or worse, an embarrassing or offensive symbol, a ”V” sign, or something more worrisome.
This makes the personal statement: “Look at me. Yes, I am losing my hair, but I have decided to do something positive about it. Now you can’t tell how old I am can you? I look younger and more virile don’t I? Plus I am in step with current trends.”
Hmm, not bad that one. No more haircuts either, just a spot of polish and a rub with a dry cloth (can you buy bald head polish?).
A Shaved Head
And there are lots of men who have joined the bald head club and look great. Ben Kingsley, Bruce Willis (sorry André sadly I can’t say the same for you). Even women can look good with a cleanly shaved head, as Sinead O’Conner, and Demi Moore have demonstrated.
So, a bald shaved head seems like the best option. Instead of trying to stave off, hide or deny my baldness, I will fully embrace it. I will even voluntarily accelerate my hair loss by shaving off the last remains and assigning them to the dustbin.
But how will I handle the change of image? It’s a bit drastic isn’t it? What will I look like? Will people laugh at me? Will I laugh at me? Come to think of it, some men who shave their heads do look ridiculous. Will I be one of them?
Well, there is only one way to find out, and as the other alternatives fill me with dread, and I don’t want to be consigned to a monastery, then I will just have to take the plunge; bite the bullet; take the matter in hand.
So, tomorrow, I will burst through the suffocating veneer of my mid-life crisis leaving it in fragments (together with my hair) on the floor behind me, and sporting a shiny, freshly-shaven cranium , I will venture out into the world; invigorated and ready to meet the challenges of my golden years head on.
Now, would adding a shiny silver earring and a small tattoo help to reinforce my new image do you think, or is that taking thinks a bit too far?
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