How To Books: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I'm a huge fan of reading how to books and learning how to do things for myself. Face it, the more you learn to do for yourself, the less you have to depend on other people to do things for you. In my extensive and often dangerous journeys through the wild Amazon, well, through Amazon.com, I've encountered some very interesting books that I'd like to share. Some are good, some are not so good, and one in particular is downright ugly.

The Good

How to Be Pope: What to Do and Where to Go Once You're in the Vatican by Piers Marchant

I love this one. It covers 2,000 years of compiled, researched, and top-secret information that the author has somehow managed to lay out in 128 pages. It should be a fast read that will arm you with the ability "to navigate the Why's, How's, and Who's of your new life as Pontifex Maximus." It also answers the burning questions: What is your official job title? Why do you need to choose a papal name? Who does your laundry? Can you still order take-out? Just kidding about the last one.

Let me tell you, this is one book I must have. I may not be Catholic or a man or 100 years old, but it never hurts to have a little Pope training.

How To Become a Schizophrenic by John Modrow

Call me crazy, but I think this is pretty darned handy. Think about it. How many times have you made a stupid mistake that was so ridiculous that it almost seemed better to have the other person think you're insane rather than stupid? Say, for example, you make a mathematical error when balancing your checkbook, the bank notifies you, and you notice that the mistake you made could have been calculated correctly by a kid in 1st grade. Instead of having to admit to such a silly error, wouldn't it be much more handy to say, "I was balancing my checkbook last week when Jesus suddenly appeared and he offered to finish it for me -- are you implying that Jesus made a mistake?"

Seriously though, the author of this book (who is not a doctor) has developed a theory that schizophrenia is not a disease of the brain but rather the result of emotional distress. But that's a topic for another day.

Charles Manson
Charles Manson

How to be a Successful Cult Leader by Tré Taylor

Who hasn't dreamed of being a cult leader? Here you will find all the details and important aspects about charismatic leadership attributes along with techniques of mind control, such as, sleep deprivation, inadequate nutrition, alienation, and deception. There are also important tips about how to tell if your followers are dedicated and true to you as their leader. I must confess, this isn't really a book, it's a website, but I had to include it because it's very funny - and my cult leader told me to.

The Bad

How to Shit in the Woods by Kathleen Meyer

Reviews of this book indicate that it's informative regarding proper outdoor pooping etiquette and funny with stories of pooping gone wrong. Gosh, I really want to say something incredibly witty right now, but I haven't thought that pooping or boogers were funny since I was like 7 or something. While the title is slightly funny, I really don't want to think about pooping much less read about it unless the urge overcomes me to actually do it. However, there must be plenty of people out there who either need instructions or enjoy reading about poop because the author has another book called How to Shit Around the World.

How to Make Love While Conscious by Guy Kettlehack

The stories I've heard must be true. Some people actually make love while conscious. Unfortunately, that's all I know except that the book has 250 pages. There's no picture, no hype from the publisher, no excerpts to read, and no customer reviews. Maybe the title is all we need because it sure does raise plenty of speculation over what's covered in those 250 pages, and my speculations say there must be chapters covering important issues like:

  • Advantages to being conscious while making love.
  • How to stay conscious before, during, and after making love.
  • Tips and strategies for those who prefer being unconscious while making love.
  • What to do if your partner's body odor knocks you unconscious accidentally.
  • Testimonials from people who manage to remain conscious while making love.

After ROFLMAO then ROFLMAO again, I settled down and gave this book some serious thought. Perhaps this is why so many women of the 30's and 40's had so many darned kids. Baby boomers know what I'm talking about. It's like that generation didn't know how or when to stop making babies. Both of my parents came from very large families, and I've often wondered why my grandparents, who seemed to not like each other much at all, were so active. Now it's clear - at least one of them must have been unconscious.

The Ugly

How to Exploit Her Inner Psycho by Brett Tate

I'm sure a sequel to this "Professional Bachelor Dating Guide" is in the works because there will be many lonely (or dead) bachelors out there still looking for the right woman as a result of this classless pickup artist book that teaches the reader lessons in "analyzing your target, determining her values, beliefs and weaknesses."

Analyzing your target? Determining weakness? This sounds more like a hunting guide than a dating book. Wait, maybe it is a hunting manual, because the publisher very clearly says: "It's an advanced psych guide for high level players hunting the big game." Yes, I must be confused.

No, I'm not confused and this man must be insane. Hasn't one single person ever told him about the incredible, nearly supernatural power of a woman's inner psycho? Well, maybe no man has lived to pass this information on, but it's a mother's responsibility to tell her sons that a woman's inner psycho is nothing to toy with. I've known men who have castrated themselves in the storm of provoking a woman's inner psycho. Does anyone really want to unleash a force so strong that even a woman can't control it once it's out there?

This is the only truly ugly book I've come across so far, but I will keep my eyes open for more because they're so much fun to trash, I mean talk about. Feel free to tell me about any that you find. I'd love to add more.

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Comments 31 comments

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

Well, as a man, I can assure you, there is no way to stay conscious AFTER sex. Every research study ever done on it has proven that no man can possibly stay conscious afterwards. Now, during, that is a possibility, but not after.

This is a fun read and very entertaining review. Nice work. :)


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Thank you so much Shade. :) And you're right, no man can stay conscious after sex. It really shouldn't be expected. ;) lol


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

Pam: Yes, and while men go unconscious after sex, women want to go out to a club and dance! It's a cruel trick of nature. Loved your "Good" list. I think I would really enjoy any of those books immensely! In the "Bad" list, the Woman's Psyche book reminds me of the book I read in high school, hormones all "a rage", called "How to pick up girls". Apparantly, it was as easy as casually leaning against a mantle with your thumbs in your pockets and your fingers non-chalantly pointing at your groin area. It never worked for me, but to this day I have callouses on my thumbs! Thanks for a really fun read!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Christoph, thank you so much for your kind and funny words. :) As you know by now, you and Shade are my hub heroes, and it means a great deal to me that both of you visited mine.

Wow, I think I've known men who have read the very same book that you mentioned. Isn't there a chapter in there about calling women 'Foxy'? LOL!

Thanks again. :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

Yeah, I'm still trying that thumbs in the pockets thing. It doesn't even work on my wife and she is legally obligated to have sex with me. We should take that book back to the bookstore and see if we can get a refund.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

I don't think they are legally required to any more. At least, that's what my wife tells me. Another good thing women have managed to get rid of!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

Well, I will keep insisting it's in the law until she actually goes and looks it up. I mean, she speeds when she drives, so it's not like you can't see how well this law is working out for me anyway, but still. /sigh... Is it five o'clock yet?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

Yeah. Teaching women to read was a real big goof. I think we should just take over this hub until Pam comes back and tells us to get lost.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma

no more hub stealing, the last one went too far! Chritoph, I am surprised that you would say such a thing, teaching women to read was a big goof, I'll have you know that the majority of your fans are women and if we didn't read you would be screwed! (not literally) You are in big trouble now Mr. (nodding my head in disappointment) tsk tsk both of yu!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

What? I've been asleep. What's happening? Oh. That Shadesbreath. He's obviously masqerading as me again, trying to get me into trouble. I don't know if you can say a majority of my fans are women. They may leave a majority of the comments, but that doesn't mean they are the majority of my fans. Similarly, maybe women are the majority of hubbers, so it only follows. Anyway, they give good comment so I don't mind at all.

Oh...Hi Pam. Just keeping your lovely hub here company while you were away.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

ROFLMAO! Gosh, a girl goes off to do a few things and look what happens. You all are priceless. Thanks for the belly laughs. :D

<making mental note to look up wifely duty laws in my state>


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

Damn dude, you got a nice little plausible denial thing going now, eh? You can say whatever you want now and blame the rude stuff on me. LOL. People gonna have to pay close attention to where the finger and the "i" are. LOL.

And yeah, Hi Pam. We thought we'd camp out on your hub for a while. Sorry about the mess. Oh, and, I think I drank your last beer.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Hey, where's my Sunday morning beer?? >:0

I was up all night searching, and I found it....the law clearly states, and I quote:

"Said wife shall gain full control of when and where or if to dispense of said wifely obligations to said husband if said husband rolls over and falls asleep after said obligations are complete." Then it says, "If said husband rolls over and commences to snore or fart while falling asleep, then said wife is released of all wifely obligations herein referred to as the 'I have a headache' statute forever and ever."

:D


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

Woah! Virginia is rough! I guess it ain't for lovers anymore!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

ROFL! I'm sure the laws here were way less rough till some "goof" taught us women how to read, then all hell broke loose. lol! ;)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

Damn, that law sucks.  We need to get an amendment on that sucker fast.


eZombie profile image

eZombie 7 years ago from FL

Hi Pam- great piece! Very entertaining, and I've always wanted to learn how to be the Pope- now I have something to research :)


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Hi eZombie :) Thank you so much, and I'm sorry that I'm late in replying. Life has kind of swallowed me up at the moment.

LOL, good luck w/the research, and when you're Pope, don't forget about us little people. ;)


glassvisage profile image

glassvisage 7 years ago from Northern California

I have to say I can't stay conscious after sex either :P Just kidding :) I love this Hub... what a great idea! Thanks for taking the time to make this... certainly not all how-to books are gems


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

LOL Glassvisage! Thank you so much for reading this and leaving such a nice and funny comment. :)


newcapo 7 years ago

This is a hoot...great idea for a hub and well done!!! I've always wanted to know how to sh*t in the woods properly....I'm just surprised there's actually a "how-to" about it. Awesome...

If you saw the movie, "Wild Hogs" from a couple years ago, William Macy's character poops in the woods, puts it in a bag and hangs it in a tree....Tim Allen's character asked why he did that and he said "So the bears don't get it." and then John Travolta's character said "Bears don't eat sh*t you dumb*ss" --- classic scene, William Macy's character's name is Dudley.

Anyway, thanks for the laugh-great hub!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Thank you Newcapo! I never saw "Wild Hogs," but now I have to see it! ROFL! Thanks for sharing that tidbit from the movie. :) Who would have ever thought that John Travolta would end up being such an awesome actor? I love just about any movie he's in.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

The book on how to become schizophrenic was a huge help to me! You have to be careful, though. Apparently it's not uncommon to overshoot the mark, and land in the multiple personalities zip code. We are recovering from that one, but we have a long road ahead of us.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

ROFL BT! Yea, that book should come with a warning. I know I've overshot the mark a few times. ;) I hope you "all" have a full and speedy recovery. lol!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

I think I just about have it licked. I started life as an alter ego, but I've almost taken over completely. I just keep the other guy around to feed me, and pay the bills.


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth

lol. I loved your finishing line... 'because theyre so fun to trash...I mean talk about.

I actually had a books author contact me about a bad review I did on her book. It made the author look like such a fuckin loser, with no rough skin, a sensitive little baby who shouldnt have been writing.... !

Anyhow, the author got sooo pissed, they wrote and told me that I need to 'read the book again'.

My reply was:

Why so I can torture myself twice?

I mean this book was awful. It had spelling errors on a few pages throughout the book, and seemed to have been written by a 12 year old kid.

They said I apparently missed the point they were trying to put out there.

My reply:

What point? Your implying I'm stupid, because you want me to a.read the book again, and b. apparently I missed some mysterious point

I then took her rude letter to me, and my replies back to her stupid letter, and published them for all to see. lol.

I'm surprised she hasn't threatened to sue me. lol.

Anyways, this was a fun as hell Hub Pam. As always you keep me smiling.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Thanks Mellas! :D

I'm LMAO over your review experience! You don't know how much I enjoyed reading that, and your one reply nearly made me wet myself..."Why so I can torture myself twice?" ROFLMAO! Oh how fun it would have been to see the author's face when she read your clever replies! :D

You are priceless!


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth

I think I made her very very angry. Genrally I am very nice, but the way she approached the whole situation was ugly. She demmanded I remove the review, or actions would be taken.

Yeah... yeah,,, tell me another one, whats she gunna do, sue me? The lawyer fees would cost more money, than she'd ever get out of me. Which is ......drum roll please.....

nothing. lol.

; )


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth

the funny thing about the pooping one though was that it reminded me of how I managed to get over all of my past exes....

I would imagine them on the toilet bowl taking a poop.. and immediatley I would be 'over' them. lol... nasty I know, but it works!

I should do a How To Get Over Your Ex Hub...

Step 1- Imagine them shitting... struggling hard to squeeze it out.

Ech... works every time!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

It's a good thing you're a strong person and that woman needs to either learn how to take criticism and improve her skills or get the hell out of the business. Considering the little bit that you shared about the spelling errors and stuff, she has some nerve getting all haughty over a review.

ROFL about your pooping ex theory! I think that would work real well! I think if you did a hub about how to get over your ex, it would be one of the better ones out there. :D

Thanks for giving me some major laughs!


Judy Cullins profile image

Judy Cullins 7 years ago from La Mesa, CA

How to shit in the woods? I couldn't help but smirk, but yes, lets leave the bathroom talk... well, who really wants to talk about it?

Nice Hub!

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