How To Books: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
I'm a huge fan of reading how to books and learning how to do things for myself. Face it, the more you learn to do for yourself, the less you have to depend on other people to do things for you. In my extensive and often dangerous journeys through the wild Amazon, well, through Amazon.com, I've encountered some very interesting books that I'd like to share. Some are good, some are not so good, and one in particular is downright ugly.
How to Be Pope: What to Do and Where to Go Once You're in the Vatican by Piers Marchant
I love this one. It covers 2,000 years of compiled, researched, and top-secret information that the author has somehow managed to lay out in 128 pages. It should be a fast read that will arm you with the ability "to navigate the Why's, How's, and Who's of your new life as Pontifex Maximus." It also answers the burning questions: What is your official job title? Why do you need to choose a papal name? Who does your laundry? Can you still order take-out? Just kidding about the last one.
Let me tell you, this is one book I must have. I may not be Catholic or a man or 100 years old, but it never hurts to have a little Pope training.
How To Become a Schizophrenic by John Modrow
Call me crazy, but I think this is pretty darned handy. Think about it. How many times have you made a stupid mistake that was so ridiculous that it almost seemed better to have the other person think you're insane rather than stupid? Say, for example, you make a mathematical error when balancing your checkbook, the bank notifies you, and you notice that the mistake you made could have been calculated correctly by a kid in 1st grade. Instead of having to admit to such a silly error, wouldn't it be much more handy to say, "I was balancing my checkbook last week when Jesus suddenly appeared and he offered to finish it for me -- are you implying that Jesus made a mistake?"
Seriously though, the author of this book (who is not a doctor) has developed a theory that schizophrenia is not a disease of the brain but rather the result of emotional distress. But that's a topic for another day.
How to be a Successful Cult Leader by Tré Taylor
Who hasn't dreamed of being a cult leader? Here you will find all the details and important aspects about charismatic leadership attributes along with techniques of mind control, such as, sleep deprivation, inadequate nutrition, alienation, and deception. There are also important tips about how to tell if your followers are dedicated and true to you as their leader. I must confess, this isn't really a book, it's a website, but I had to include it because it's very funny - and my cult leader told me to.
How to Shit in the Woods by Kathleen Meyer
Reviews of this book indicate that it's informative regarding proper outdoor pooping etiquette and funny with stories of pooping gone wrong. Gosh, I really want to say something incredibly witty right now, but I haven't thought that pooping or boogers were funny since I was like 7 or something. While the title is slightly funny, I really don't want to think about pooping much less read about it unless the urge overcomes me to actually do it. However, there must be plenty of people out there who either need instructions or enjoy reading about poop because the author has another book called How to Shit Around the World.
How to Make Love While Conscious by Guy Kettlehack
The stories I've heard must be true. Some people actually make love while conscious. Unfortunately, that's all I know except that the book has 250 pages. There's no picture, no hype from the publisher, no excerpts to read, and no customer reviews. Maybe the title is all we need because it sure does raise plenty of speculation over what's covered in those 250 pages, and my speculations say there must be chapters covering important issues like:
- Advantages to being conscious while making love.
- How to stay conscious before, during, and after making love.
- Tips and strategies for those who prefer being unconscious while making love.
- What to do if your partner's body odor knocks you unconscious accidentally.
- Testimonials from people who manage to remain conscious while making love.
After ROFLMAO then ROFLMAO again, I settled down and gave this book some serious thought. Perhaps this is why so many women of the 30's and 40's had so many darned kids. Baby boomers know what I'm talking about. It's like that generation didn't know how or when to stop making babies. Both of my parents came from very large families, and I've often wondered why my grandparents, who seemed to not like each other much at all, were so active. Now it's clear - at least one of them must have been unconscious.
How to Exploit Her Inner Psycho by Brett Tate
I'm sure a sequel to this "Professional Bachelor Dating Guide" is in the works because there will be many lonely (or dead) bachelors out there still looking for the right woman as a result of this classless pickup artist book that teaches the reader lessons in "analyzing your target, determining her values, beliefs and weaknesses."
Analyzing your target? Determining weakness? This sounds more like a hunting guide than a dating book. Wait, maybe it is a hunting manual, because the publisher very clearly says: "It's an advanced psych guide for high level players hunting the big game." Yes, I must be confused.
No, I'm not confused and this man must be insane. Hasn't one single person ever told him about the incredible, nearly supernatural power of a woman's inner psycho? Well, maybe no man has lived to pass this information on, but it's a mother's responsibility to tell her sons that a woman's inner psycho is nothing to toy with. I've known men who have castrated themselves in the storm of provoking a woman's inner psycho. Does anyone really want to unleash a force so strong that even a woman can't control it once it's out there?
This is the only truly ugly book I've come across so far, but I will keep my eyes open for more because they're so much fun to trash, I mean talk about. Feel free to tell me about any that you find. I'd love to add more.
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