How to Get Across the Ocean on a Budget

Do you often wonder what it’d be like to cross the ocean? Do you often long for a sea voyage, thinking it’ll bring more excitement and adventure to your life? Are you still reading this? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then here are some cheap ways to get across an ocean, if you were so inclined.

Crossing the ocean is as easy as riding a bike.
Crossing the ocean is as easy as riding a bike.

Run really fast.

The cheapest way possible to cross the ocean would be just to run really fast. How fast, you may ask? Really fast. However fast you are able to run, multiply that by a thousand, and that’s how fast you need to be to run across the ocean without sinking. The average person runs 7-10 miles an hour, and you need to shoot for about 7000. I suggest practicing on land first, just until you think you’re ready. Here are some ideas you can try to make you run faster.

  • Smash a bee hive. Bees can fly up to 20 miles an hour, so if you can outrun them, you’re in pretty good shape, but not quite ready to take on the ocean. Being allergic to bee stings helps, because it adds incentive.
  • Tie a steak to your rear and shake it at a cheetah. Cheetahs can run up to 70 miles an hour, so if you can outrun a cheetah, you’re getting better at this running thing. However, if you can’t outrun the cheetah, you will be eaten, so if at first you don’t succeed, make sure you have funeral arrangements.
  • Join NASCAR. Stock cars generally travel around 190 miles an hour, so if you can run beside them and keep up, you’re doing great. You’ll have to make a pit stop every few laps to change out your tennis shoes, because the treads will undoubtedly melt off. And if you ram into the wall going 190 miles an hour, you will most likely die. Also, if a stock car sideswipes you, you will most likely die. And it’ll look ironic if you get torn to pieces on the track while wearing an endorsement for Band-Aid or Juicy Juice. You should have had a V8 if you find yourself dragged underneath the Kellogg’s stock car for seven laps.

If you find you’re unable or physically unfit to run across the ocean, then you can always try walking on water. It might seem impossible, but how do you know if you never get your feet wet?

Watermelon Shoes.

Watermelon’s float, which is why they’re called watermelons. And melons are those things in a dolphin’s head that play part in the focusing of sound signals (go ahead, look it up in the dictionary). So you have the word water and you have a word that has something to do with dolphins, so watermelons are a good investment to make if you want to cross the ocean. Simply buy a couple big ones, hollow them out, and then stick your feet inside. These cheap floatation devices will keep you afloat and will only set you back about eight bucks. Your watermelon shoes will be difficult to walk in at first, so I suggest practicing on land, and maybe wearing them to work. If you want to go another route, instead of watermelons, you can get a couple of dolphins, hollow them out, and stick your feet inside. Everyone knows that dead fish float, so they also serve as great floatation devices. They will also look quite fashionable on your feet and you might start a trend. I’m not sure how much a dolphin will cost you, but the ones at Sun Life Stadium in Miami usually draft anywhere between $100,000 and 30 million.

Walking a tightrope is so easy that a monkey could do it.
Walking a tightrope is so easy that a monkey could do it.

Long tightrope.

If you don’t want to get your feet wet, then invest in a really long rope. How long of a rope, you may ask? It depends on what ocean you want to cross. If it’s the Atlantic, then a rope that’s 3,000 miles long. The Atlantic might look like it’s only 7 inches wide on the map, but most maps are inaccurate. Tie one end of the rope to a pier, and then have a buddy overseas tie the other end of it to a pier in his country. You will have to mail the rope to him, but only one end of it, or you can try tying one end of the rope to a large bird and having it fly over there. If you don’t think you’re quite ready to stay on a tightrope, then here is one idea to help get better balance.

  • Walk a straight line. That might seem easy enough, but try doing it drunk and with a monkey on your back. If you can’t find a monkey, then find a sack of potatoes. If you can’t find a sack of potatoes, then give finding a monkey a second try, because that’s the best way to go. The monkey will be repeatedly slapping you on the head and rubbing poo in your face, so if you can overcome the distractions that presents and the fact that you’re drunk out of your mind, then you can master your concentration skills and also your balance. How drunk do you need to be? Find a skunk and give it a breath analyzer test. However drunk that skunk is, that’s how drunk you need to be.

Crossing the ocean on a tightrope is obviously dangerous, because if you fall off, you will either drown or get eaten by a shark. So try it at your own risk. If you decide you want to take the monkey with you, because you’ve grown accustomed to having it on your shoulders, or grown attached to it for romantic reasons, then that’s up to you. But remember, the Atlantic Ocean is 15,840,000 feet wide, and that’s a long time to have to walk a tightrope with a monkey rubbing poo in your face. I know monkey poo is nutritional, because they eat a lot of fruit and berries, but if you’re bringing the monkey along simply because of the nutritional and fiber content of its poo, you could always just pack your pockets full of granola bars. Those are also nutritional. But a shark probably won’t eat you if you’re covered in monkey poo, so yeah, take the monkey.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Whale.
Nice to meet you, Mr. Whale.

Belly of a whale.

Another cheap way to cross the ocean is to get swallowed by a whale. The question naturally arises as to how to tempt the whale to actually swallow you. Here are some ideas on how to accomplish that.

  • Follow the example of Pinocchio. Wear a cute little outfit made out of wood and dangle yourself above the ocean with string. A passing whale will mistake you for a puppet and will immediately swallow you, because that’s what whales like to do. However, there is no guarantee that the whale will take you where you need to go. Nor is there a guarantee that this will actually work.
  • Follow the example of Jonah. If God tells you to go to Nineveh or someplace else, tell him you’re not in the mood. Hop a plane to the Bahamas, instead. God will then send a storm and the other people on the plane will think you’re bringing them bad luck, so they will toss you out of the plane and into the ocean, where God will then have a whale set and ready to swallow you to teach you a lesson. You’ll be in the whale for three days, and then it will spit you out somewhere. This is a clever way to get across the ocean, but God may not be pleased with your treachery and will send a lion to swallow you the second time.

If you find any of these useful ideas on how to cross an ocean on a cheap budget illogical, then feel free to simply take a boat or a plane. Just remember that boats often sink, and so do planes, after they explode when hitting the water.

Do some research.

Here is a list of movies you need to watch before making the decision to take a boat.

  • Titanic. It’s ironic that a ship can be sunk by water, which is what icebergs are, just frozen water. That’d be like a plane being taken down by a chuck of really hard air.
  • Poseidon. Some butterfly might flap its wings half way round the world and send a rogue wave your way, capsizing the boat. Stupid butterflies. They’re so cute, though.
  • Jaws. Always make sure the boat you choose to take isn’t small enough to get eaten by a great white shark. If it is, you’re going to need a bigger boat, and then the shark will need a bigger mouth.
  • The Perfect Storm. George Clooney is incredibly good looking. But being incredibly good looking doesn’t exclude you from being drowned at sea. The ocean has no preferences.

If you absolutely must take your journey on a manmade transporting device, because it makes you feel safer, or if you simply don’t think you’re ready to run across the ocean or walk a tightrope, or if you don’t fancy the idea of monkey poo being rubbed in your face, or if you hate the very idea of watermelons or think that whales are stupid and not fun to hang out with, then may I suggest taking a submarine. Here is a link to an article about submarines, and you can read it, if you feel so inclined. But I really wish you’d take the four cheap ideas I presented seriously. They’ll make your trip across the ocean even more enjoyable. Have a pleasant trip and bon voyage.

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Comments 16 comments

spartucusjones profile image

spartucusjones 4 years ago from Parts Unknown

Thank you for the many practical suggestions. I am now going to the grocery store to invest in some watermelons.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

spartucusjones- You're more than welcome. I hope that the watermelons work out for you. I think they will.


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca

Well, those are some great ideas to get across the ocean... however, after doing some very high end research lately, I have decided the best way to travel across the ocean... and possibly the fastests (oh yeah, and it doesn't involve running or dead fruit or animal carcasses) is to travel by Map. Hey - it worked in The Muppets. AFter all, that is how they got to Miss Piggy in France. And literally, it took no time at all. That and I already tried walking on water. I think if I wouldn't ahve had the monkey on my shoulders I might have been ok but the monkey made me sink! Bummer!

Like usual... you are always good for a laugh!


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

barbergirl- You make a valid point. In the Indiana Jones movies, whenever he travels to a different country, it just shows a map with a red line that goes from one place to the next, if you know what I'm referring to. I didn't watch the Muppets, but that's good information. Maybe you can only travel that way if you have somebody's hand stuck up your backside like you were a muppet. That might be uncomfortable, but that happens a lot with airplane security, anyway. I hope the monkey didn't drown. That would be sad.


neeleshkulkarni profile image

neeleshkulkarni 4 years ago from new delhi

walking on water is easy, as is tying the tight rope across oceans , these i can manage well, but the question ohhh wise one is- what if the shark wants to eat the monkey that ate the watermelon shoes while it is being swallowed by a whale?

would my balance not get upset?and if so would not the unidirectional change of emphasis in my motor neurons cause a deflection in my locomotion axis leading to a split in my target affiliation?

also what is the best shampoo to wash off monkey poo since it is likely to attract the penguins to shit on me and this might lead to increase in weight leading to the stress on the rope increasing beyond acceptable limits.

the same, mind you, must be salt water compatible since the tds levels in the ocean far exceed the pepsi cans.

also if i get coke to sponsor the run, will pepsi sue me for having drunk from their can while i was watching out for penguin shit?

the moment i get answers to these ,i get started and look forward to seeing you mid ocean.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

You know what, maybe I just want to stay here on dry land. I thought I wanted to take a journey across the ocean, but I guess I am just not up to the many challenges. Thanks for sharing!


the girls profile image

the girls 4 years ago from Los Angeles, California

You made my day. I wonder where did your watermelons float? I think the bee will work best for me :-)


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

neeleshkulkarni- The answer to your questions is yes. As far as what shampoo to use, I'd suggest the coconut scented one from Suave. No reason, just that it's my favorite, even though it doesn't taste like coconuts. As far as penguin poo, I believe penguins are flightless birds, so I wouldn't worry about that too much, unless they figure out how to fling it at you, and if that's the case, you can train the monkey to counterattack their poo onslaught with its own poo arsenal, and while they are in a major poo battle of epic proportions, you can make your escape, that is to say if the shark hasn't eaten your monkey after it ate your watermelon shoes, followed closely by a whale swallowing all of you, and then it'd be an entire different scenario altogether, if you find yourself in the belly of a whale with a rather annoyed great white shark with a very agitated monkey in its mouth still throwing poo around. Maybe you could just make a raft that consists of empty Pepsi cans and get across the ocean that way. However you decided to take the journey, I hope it turns out well for you. And also for the monkey.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

Jeannieinabottle- Another cheap way to travel across the ocean would be inside of a bottle. If you can find one that you'll fit in, you should try it. Dry land is overrated.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

the girls- My watermelons floated away downstream. They're incredibly hard to walk in. Good luck running away from those bees. I'm told that they don't like mayonnaise, so be sure to spread that around wherever you don't want to get stung. Of course it was a bee that told me that, and it was probably lying. They probably love mayonnaise. Thanks for the comment.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

Hi, I got here through reading hecate horus hub, she mentions you! lol! and yes you did make me laugh! love the monkey idea, not sure about the poo though! mind you if I put a nappy as we say in good old England, on the monkeys backend then maybe it will be a cleaner journey and the powers that be who go on about global warming will be pleased that the poo doesn't cause too much methane! so there you go, now where do I find a monkey at this time of night?


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

Nell Rose- You bring up a scary thought, global warming. Because, at some point in our future, the entire world just might be covered in water, and then we will have to find a means to cross this water, and maybe everyone in the future will take this hub as a guideline as how to do just that, and then we'll have millions of people walking on tightropes and in watermelon shoes with monkeys throwing poo everywhere, and that's another scary thought. Monkey diapers are a good idea, though, but hard to change while on a tightrope. As to where to find a monkey, that's a good question, and if you happen to be in England, I don't know where all the monkeys hang out over there. I am sure there is a site where you can order one online, like some people order brides from Russia, but that would be for an entirely different purpose than getting a monkey, I would assume.


Civil War Bob profile image

Civil War Bob 4 years ago from Glenside, Pennsylvania

Good job, Q...voted up, useful, funny, and interesting. I've been giving some serious consideration to getting the Bering Straights to freeze over so I can migrate to Asia...sort of a reverse pattern of the way I think folks got to the Western Hemisphere originally. Carry on, Q!! Oh, Hecate Horus got me here...


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

Civil War Bob- Thanks for the votes. I'm not sure how one would go about freezing the Bering Straight, but good luck with that if you ever decide to go in that direction. It'd sure be an easier way to do it than any of the options I suggested. I'll join you if you ever succeed. I'll have to get a passport, though.


Painted Seahorse profile image

Painted Seahorse 3 years ago from Woodstock, GA

I'm glad I discovered your hubs. Your ideas are just crazy enough to be brilliant!


crassnsilly profile image

crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea

Happy that there are mad people like you on Hub Pages. Makes a welcome change from the dull poetry. Thank you

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