How to Get the Most Out of Your Scary Movie Experience
Be Scary Movie Ready
with these helpful hints to keep your fright night spooky and thrilling. Next time you're convinced that the on-screen hallacious haunts, creepy critters, or murderous monsters are now stalking you in your living room, you will be prepared.
For Physical Safety and Mental Comfort
Safety comes first. Especially when there are invisible, hungry things afoot.
1. Construct a proper Pillow Fort.
Believe it or not, the common, breathable fabric known as cotton works as a great paranormal repellent. Confronted with tightly-packed white fluff often found in pillows, ghosts, goblins, and monsters hardly know how to proceed in their hunt to eat you. However, it is of the upmost importance to create a proper well-fortified safe pillow haven, for any cracks or openings in the flanks (as the front should remain open for viewing freedom) will surely encourage enemy penetration.
2. Discover the patented Blanket Helmet.
As convenient as a Snuggie, yet protective as battle armor, the Blanket Helmet will see you through this film. There's nothing more comforting than knowing the back of your head is safely protected from potential brain-munching zombies or ax-swinging psychopaths. Learn the correct way to spin your blanket helmet over your body and upon your head, and enjoy peace of mind during your fright fest.
3. Elect and utilize a certified Bait Friend.
Be secretly prepared by watching horror flicks with a slow-running, easily distractable Bait Friend. There are no limits on who this unsuspecting person can be - your significant other, an annoying sibling, your least favorite offspring, etc. Their role is simple: If things get too real and you suddenly find yourselves in a chase scene with a paranormal entity or movie monster, you will secure guaranteed survival due to your unknowingly brave Bait Friend, who will serve as a brave snack sacrifice. For the best results, update Bait Friend's life insurance prior to viewing.
4. Make an Escape Plan before the show starts.
Be aware of your surroundings before trouble brews. Make a note of possible obstacles: staircases, clunky furniture, ornery cats or sleeping dogs. Furniture can be either a foe or ally - for those reliably coordinated, never be afraid to spiderman your way across a room. Jump from couch to couch, swing from sturdy ceiling adornments, acrobat from wall to wall. Be crafty. Be wild. Be a survivor. And update your escape plan whenever your change rooms or leave to use the bathroom.
Creativity gets you far weapon-wise also. Seize any advantage of a surprise counterattack by avoiding normal scary movie pitfalls, as most crazed hitchhikers will expect you to grab the butcher knife. So make a list of potential, throwable weapons: Glass vases, billiard balls, previously noted ornery cats, heavy college textbooks, etc. Or, if you are a super crafty, design a homemade weapon and keep in within arms-reach.
Additionally, be aware of the weather in case you need to flee outside. Think ahead and leave a small package equipped with a rain slicker, canned foods, an extra cell phone, and a grenade in your chosen exit path.
5. Keep the remote in a conveniently available place.
You want immediate control over your film - to pause, play, manage volume, or self-destruct the movie. Keep your cell phone in close-proximity as well, even if you have no signal.
6. Chant a pre-selected mantra.
Whether it be religious or superstitious, strengthen your mental calmness with a calming, easily repeatable statement to chant in your mind. Try a long "oohm", "I am safe", or even "Garlic rules".
To Optimize Thrills and Chills
For the best scary movie watching experience, try these simple tricks to magnify the creep factor in your home.
1. Eliminate main light sources and encourage darkness to roam. A completely dark room is creepy, but a mixture of black corners and flickering shadows creates the most powerful sense of unease. Candlelight works best to draw long, dancing shadows out of the walls and sets the mood right. (This also helps a Date Night).
2. Prepare appropriate snacks.
Keep your strength up and mental acuity sharp by munching on foodstuffs that best compliment the scary movie atmosphere: buttered popcorn (long-lasting carbs), red wine (good for heart health), chocolate chip cookies (full of antioxidants), etc.
Some snacks do not work well and can become a safety hazard. These include but are not limited to peanut butter (sticky hands are not allies), chips (don't be a rude neighbor chomper), too much red wine (a spinning room will give the enemy an edge), etc.
3. Elect a designated Hand Holder.
Whether they are your current snugglebutt or love-interest in training, it is best to have a fellow movie watcher who has a legitimate stake in protecting you. This role is different than the Bait Friend because unlike the latter, you do not want this person to perish just to deter the enemy. Their sole responsibility is to keep you safe, both during and after the scary movie, by offering comforting words or additional warmth. Ideally, they must be available to hold your hand when you deem it necessary. It must also be understood that this is a one-way role, in which you are not reciprocally responsible for their safety or well-being.
4. Display your scary movie on a Big Screen (56" or larger).
A big screen equals big frights. What better way to see a mutated zombie face or a charming child antichrist than up close and personal? Maintain a no-squinting policy when researching your next television screen upgrade.
5. Commit to keeping the volume up.
An obvious rule for some less than obvious reasons. Many scary movies have subtle background noises that you may miss if the volume is too low. Also, a hidden benefit from cranking up the noise is that it covers up startling, off-screen sounds coming from the dark corners of your living room. Although some may enjoy this additionally scary effect, unrelated noises may distract you from getting creeped out thoroughly from your feature film.
6. Prepare a horror movie accessory kit.
Some helpful objects include a garlic bulb, a couple of wooden spikes, an ancient silver cross, your lucky ghost-repelent socks, and 21st century light saber.
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