How to Make the World's Biggest Bubble in Your Bathroom...
The Secret of How to Make really Big Bubbles
To make the biggest bubble in the world, you will need: A Bar of Soap (preferably somewhat worn), some practice, to be naked, to be submerged in your bath filled with warm-hot soapy water, and the secret contained in this article...
The Discovery of How to Make the Biggest Bubble in the World
Introducing the Biggest Bubble’s Creator: “I was happiest in the bath as a child and still enjoy long, solitary soaks. In younger, single, decadent days, my bathroom was like a downtown version of one in Dynasty, the American serial drama we (a posse of women) watched while preparing for a Friday night on the town. It was the 1980s and stylish neo-hippy chicks like us thought the “power dressed”, shoulder padded, big-haired women on Dynasty were a hoot. Nevertheless we hankered after their luxurious interiors, their flora, fauna, outdoor, heated swimming pools and their, put Cleopatra to shame, bathrooms.
Alas not for me - the marble, mirrors, gold taps and sunken bath the size of a circus but a bathroom in an inaccessible cupboard. The main feature of the bathcupboard was an industrial sized stench pipe which, I tried to pass off as a column. You entered via a half width door, had to walk in sideways and then side-shuffle along before the wall angled into the space in front of the basin, in front of the window. The room also contained a toilet (horrible word, and not ideal wedged where it was) and – miraculously - an almost standard sized bath… for them days anyway.
From Hovel to Bubble Palace
Transforming this space into the Downtown Dynastic version took some vision and great graft but it was achieved. Lilac walls and new deep red – extremely washable – carpet. (In them days carpet in bathrooms and toilets was the norm in England – I know, yuk). The column resplendent in a shiny Ferrari red, the incongruous top of the range bog seat, a myriad of spider plants, a jauntily placed full length mirror and a bath-side table for accoutrements, another plant and my crowning glory. To give it that real Dynasty plushness, I added Egyptian cotton towels, flung some silky robes round and, by means of a really long extension wire, my crowning glory, was brought into the bathroom... Yes, I had a phone in MY bathroom! Understand, a woman in her late 20s and it’s the first time she’d lived alone and able to take a bath without someone knocking on the door, demanding that she come out immediately. Also understand, in those days only the likes of me and Alexis Carrington (the character who famously saw of her chances of a fortune when she saw off her fiancé – by causing him to have a heart attack while she was seeing to him) had telephones in their bathrooms.
Enjoying The Bath
Accordingly, I spent more and more time in the bath, reading, smoking (I know), sipping Downtown Champagne-Lambrusco or chatting, Joan Collins like, on the phone. Heights were achieved when I arranged for my friend Richard to play the piano downstairs so the sound would waft through my bathing environs, whilst I languished within my bath. I ordered him to play Chopin’s Death March – Der, der, der, der, crescendos, etcetera and when he’d finished, shouted down “play it again Dick”. Thus the scene was set for the discovery of the secret of how to make the biggest bubble ever in the whole wide world...
The (until now) Secret of How to Make the Biggest Bubble in the Whole Wide World, in the Bathroom
And so it was, accompanied by Chopin, in the Bohemian quarter, lying on my back on the bath, naked, submerged and holding a piece of soap, rotating it between my hands, which rested just above my navel, that the discovery of the secret took place. I’d been rotating the soap for no more than ten minutes and for some inexplicable reason lifted my arms – still linked by my hands, holding the now stilled soap – to form an arch. It was at that moment, highlighted by a shaft of sunshine, I first glimpsed a sheet of transparent film which stretched the full height and width of my arm-arch.
The Bubble Wall Born
From belly to hands and arm to arm the bubble wall was born. I realised that by keeping very still, I was containing a flattened bubble wall, no more than fifteen inches from my face – how exciting. Such a delicate, thinner than gossamer, thing – a freak happening which should be enjoyed – I knew it couldn’t last forever. It was pretty too and alive – only its borders – my arms and upper stomach were static, inside it danced on the same playing field. “Oh, pretty” I might have said. An acid-iridescent kaleidoscope of colours, mished, mashed and moved into one another and made me happy from a sense of accomplishment.
The Bubble Wall Bulge
Seemingly this phenomenon had been fashioned from the soap-slime as it seeped from my rotating hands along the course between my rested arms and torso. I stared at it and remained motionless but when he colours started to settle, I, instinctively, blew it…and guess what? The bubble wall bulged…
The Bubble Tunnel
I wonder…if? I blew a little harsher and the bubble wall bulged bigger. Would it be possible to blow the bubble wall so much it would some how transform from wall to globe? I blew more, and a bit more. The bulge was now a tunnel, ever stretching away from me the more I blew. The end of the tunnel, as long as I maintained a steady firm blow, reached circa 33 inches away from me. But then disaster struck with an inaudible pop. As quick as a flash, the tunnel collapsed and died. The air between my arm-arch looked empty. It was a sad few moments.
Battle for the Bubble
Still in the bath but now sipping some wine I cogitated on my fantastic achievement. I wonder? Could I repeat the experiment? (It had now become an experiment)? Almost the same experiment conditions existed. I had the soap and the water and was in the correct position – the water temperature had dropped – but that might not be a crucial factor. If it was, how was I ever going to find the exact same heat? It could take a lifetime!
Bubble Wall Availabubble
My hands went into position and I began to rotate the soap they held. This time I rotated much quicker, judging that this increase in speed would produce more of the soap slime I so craved. After two minutes I decided to give it a try and tentatively began to raise my arm arch. OMG! Bingo! A dwarf bubble wall had been formed. Slowly, slowly, I lifted my arms to form their full arch and stretch the wall to its full potential. I’d done it!
Birthing the Bubble
Now to make a bubble – but not just any old bubble. No, now, I’d make the biggest bubble (without a machine or implement) in the world. But you can’t just make the biggest bubble in the world straight away, it takes practice, dedication and a lot of puff. It took me several years and who knows how many bars of soap to launch my first one and another couple before I blew my biggest – the biggest – bubble in the world. Can you imagine the sense of happiness and accomplishment when this beauty separated from me and floated away, struggling to contain its mass?
Hubble Bubble, Toil and Trouble
Be warned, should you start your own bath time quest to make the world's biggest bubble, that sadly the longest your bubble will live is about ten seconds – if you’re lucky. You may ask yourself, would it be worth it? But please wait until you’ve tried it before you opt out. Never say never.
Photographic Proof of the Bubble
Lastly, do not ask for any pictures of me performing the fete. I have no photographic proof to proffer. Maybe one day I’ll draft illustrations. Be glad that you have discovered the secret. Remember, I did not have to reveal this secret. Please show your appreciation for me doing so by forwarding this link to anyone you know, now!"
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