How to Ruin Any Relationship with Facebook in 5 Easy Steps!

Shut People Out of Your Life in No Time!

In this step-by-step tutorial, I am happy to teach you how to alienate, ridicule, and upset all of the most important people in your life. Has Grandma been annoying you too much lately? She just needs so much attention expecting a birthday card on her birthday! What about your best friends? Have they been nagging you about spending time with them? Wow, they sure are needy. Don't forget your boyfriend or girlfriend! Has your boyfriend offered to come by and make you dinner when you are sick? Geez, who needs that? You know how to use the microwave! Obviously, you have some really obnoxious people in your life.

So I know what you are thinking, "Jeannie, how can I ruin my relationships with everyone in my life? Is it possible to ditch my pesky friends and loved ones?" Why, yes. It is so simple. I will be happy to show you how to hurt everyone you know while using Facebook.

Step 1: Have a Facebook account and become friends with everyone in your life.

The first and most important step is to actually have a Facebook account. If you don't have one, you should totally sign up right away. You don't want to be left out on all the fun! Hey, everyone has an account, so you should have one, too. I mean, if everyone was jumping off a bridge, you would surely do so as well, right?

So now that you are on Facebook, "friend" all your friends, relatives, significant other(s), and co-workers. Once you've got everyone on board with you, this is when the fun begins. It is kind of like a big soup pot and it is time to stir in the excitement!

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Step 2: Start posting passive aggressive status updates.

For your next step, it is going to be totally fun to be subtle about the torture you are about to subject to everyone on your friend list. Make a statement aimed at some of your friends that will surely anger them. However, don't call them out by name and then deny you were ever talking about them if they confront you.

Here is a good example: "When you talk trash about me at Applebee's, it is going to come back to me. Some people need to watch their mouth."

What is so much fun about this is plenty of your friends have probably been to Applebee's lately. This status update could apply to many people. You have just pissed off a whole bunch of people and perhaps you just simply made up the entire scenario. Fun times! Make sure to post vague, rude status updates all week. You are bound to lose friends in no time!

Step 3: Make sure to insult everyone's photos and opinions.

When your friends or loved ones post comments, photos, links, etc., make sure to insult them. It doesn't matter whether you agree or disagree with their posts; just pretend you disagree with everything anyone posts. You can't just sit there and be nice, can you? You are not going to get rid of any of those pesky friends on your friend list without being a total jerk. So amp up the insults, especially for the most sensitive people in your life.

Step 4: Foursquare is your friend.

If you are still reading this, obviously there are some people that really care about you and those people are willing to stick with you no matter what. It is going to take more work to get rid of them. If you are going to really anger the people closest to you, an awesome way to do it is to sign up with Foursquare and then link it to Facebook.

Foursquare is basically a way for people to stalk you. Every time you walk into an establishment, you check in with Foursquare. People can track you no matter where you go now. Hope you don't have a restraining order on a stalker or anything; it will be pretty impossible to ever hide from that person again.

At any rate, once you've got your Foursquare account going, make sure to let your friends and loved ones know you are just staying in for the night and can't see them. This works especially well with pesky girlfriends or boyfriends that geniunely want to spend time with you. After using the, "I'm too tired to go out" excuse, make sure to then go for an awesome night on the town! Check in with Foursquare everywhere you go so the person you just lied to can see all the fun you are having without him or her. You are bound to get a phone call soon, so make sure you just set the phone to vibrate. You are too busy checking in with Foursquare to answer your phone anyway!

Step 5: Make sure to post some photos.

Now that you are on a roll, make sure to posts photo as proof of all the great times you are enjoying. If at all possible, pose with some friends in the photos that your boyfriend or girlfriend never liked anyway. Oh, that is right... you don't have any friends left anymore, so that is cool. Just pose with a bartender. Make sure to cuddle right up to the bartender if he or she is really attractive, too. Bonus points if you make your girlfriend or boyfriend cry!

While you are at it, you don't want to have those annoying relatives stay in your life either, so make sure to find some old, embarrassing photos to post on Facebook. Scan them into your computer if need be. After you've posted the photos, do make sure to tag each one. If you have old wedding photos for friends and family members, but the divorce occurred long ago, these are perfect photos to post, too. You phone must be ringing off the hook right now from angry friends and loved ones.

Enjoy the Silence

Oh, the solitude you must be experiencing right now. Friends and relatives - who needs them anyway? I can only imagine all the good times you are having playing solitaire, eating alone, and sleeping by yourself. You didn't need all those people in your life anyway!

Now is the time to take a nice long look in the mirror at the amazing person that managed to ruin every relationship just by using one website. You are awesome... alone, but totally awesome. Thanks, Facebook! Oh, and let's give a shout out to Foursquare, too. Privacy is totally overrated anyway!

Copyright ©2012 Jeannieinabottle


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Comments 34 comments

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK

ha ha , priceless. So tempting to do just that especially when inundated with inane status updates about people's sorry lives... good one!


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

Awesomeness!!! I like the finale about enjoying the silence!!! I've said it before and I'll say it again (and again) I really like the way you think!:)


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

You are a sick, sick person Jeannie and hilarious to boot. Great hub; still laughing!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Docmo - If you do decide to try any of this, just make sure to let me know. And don't get too angry with my advice either. :-) Thanks for dropping by!

Sunshine625 - Thanks! Yes, I can imagine once the angry phone calls stop, the sad silence begins. People never seem to learn on Facebook, but hey, at least it keeps me amused... or well, angry. Thanks for the compliment!!!

billybuc - Yes, I am quite sick. Sadly, I have seen every single one of these steps happen on Facebook, but usually not from just one person. I don't think anyone is terrible enough to do everything on this list. Of course, I wouldn't know - that person probably doesn't have any friends at all anymore, so no one would know. Hehe. Glad you enjoyed the hub!


Jlava73 profile image

Jlava73 4 years ago from Cyberspace and My Own World

This is great! Facebook provides instant gratification which I think much like Hubpages is addicting.


THEHuG5 profile image

THEHuG5 4 years ago

LOL the Applebees thing had me laughing out loud! This is hilarious and true. Voting up, funny, and awesome :)


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 4 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

Up and funny! What a great read. Love the wedding photo idea...deliciously cruel.


raciniwa profile image

raciniwa 4 years ago from Naga City, Cebu

hahaha...great tips...i'll try doing these tips...for sure i'll be kicked out in not just from my friends list but on any groups i've been into...


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Jlava73 - I do have to agree... HubPages can be just as addictive as Facebook, if not more so. Facebook never pays me to use their site, so I have to say HubPages is better. :-)

THEHuG5 - I am glad you enjoyed the hub. I am so tired of the passive aggressive status updates I see online. Thanks for the votes!

Sally's Trove - I am actually pretty guilty of finding embarrassing old photos, posting, and tagging them. I am lucky I have any friends left. Hehe. Thanks for the votes!

raciniwa - Yes, you are sure to lose friends quickly with this advice. If you are tired of being in any Facebook groups, this will surely get you kicked out. Thanks for reading my hub!


Ruchira profile image

Ruchira 4 years ago from United States

haha..Jeannie you sure do have a good sense of humor and I could portray it in his hub of yours. As usual, you never fail to make me smile :)

found this hub funny :) thus, voting up !


rasta1 profile image

rasta1 4 years ago from Jamaica

Sometimes pride causes us to do crazy stuff on facebook, It is just like any other community.


Made profile image

Made 4 years ago from Finland

Sometimes I call it "Fakebook" because of all "fake friends". I'm sure facebook seriously can ruin relationships, if you let it take too much time of your life and forget about you real life.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Ruchira - I am glad I could make you smile. Thanks so much for reading the hub and thanks for the votes!

rasta1 - I guess this is true. It is like a little virtual community. I think people sometimes forget everyone is reading what they post.

Made - I guess in some ways Facebook can be fake. For my personal account, I am only friends with people I actually know, so I do tend to get offended when my actual friends post nasty comments. Oh well. That is the "fun" that is Facebook.

Thanks for reading my hub!


Lilleyth profile image

Lilleyth 4 years ago from Mid-Atlantic

A gal after my own heart. Hate FB but stay on so I can keep up with my children (MOM, you seriously need FB). Sigh.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. It is so nice to keep up with old friends and family, but the drama is annoying. Thanks for visiting my hub!


randomcreative profile image

randomcreative 4 years ago from Milwaukee, Wisconsin

This cracked me up!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Hehe... I am glad you liked it. I speak from experience on this one.


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland

This was too funny! I have to remind myself each day NOT to spend all my free time on FB. But its just so hard...especially when my cell phone allows FB to travel with me. Oh man. I wonder how many relationships I can salvage ;)


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

My love of Facebook declines each day. It is probably for this very reason. I am so tired of all the Facebook drama. Remember when you had to at least call someone in order to anger them? Hehe. Thanks for the comment!


santabreganza profile image

santabreganza 4 years ago

very informative write. Posting some photos is a great idea, in particular. ha ha


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Oh yes, I can speak from experience on that one. Posting photos is certainly the fastest way to be unfriended by plenty of people. :-) Thanks for dropping by my hub!


weestro profile image

weestro 4 years ago from Virginia

I'm going to get right on this, I need some solitude in my life, thanks Jeannie!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Not a problem. I am happy to help. Thanks for reading my hub!


Sharyn's Slant profile image

Sharyn's Slant 4 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

Jeannie, as usual, you crack me up. I especially love #2, so many ways to set that up! SO much fun! I honestly wish I could write as creatively as you.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Thank you so much for the compliment. I've honestly seen people do all of these things on Facebook. Actually, Facebook was partially to blame for my last break-up. I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook.


Curiad profile image

Curiad 4 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

Laughs, I know what you mean about the Love/Hate thing. I have told myself I am canceling FB but I never do:)


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

It is pretty tough to cancel Facebook. Almost everyone I know is on it, so I would lose touch with too many people if I gave it up. Sure, there is the phone, but sometimes I don't have time to make a call. I do have time to scan my Facebook feed and see what is up with everyone. Thanks for reading and thanks for the comment!


wanderinon profile image

wanderinon 4 years ago from Gatlinburg

So funny, yet so true. The only one you forgot was how to alienate all the people you live with by having your nose glued to your phone 24/7. Out to dinner? Nothing more fun than having to talk to waiters and other customers because your dinner partner can't look up from the phone. Housework, movie night, car trips...no experience in life cannot be successfully derailed by someone's obsessive browsing.


lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 3 years ago from Bishop, Ca

jiab-HYSTERICAL, girl! Love the scathing sarcasm here-so well done. Or not sarcasm-I haven't the faintest.

Great stuff-I'm off to Facebook now to take care of some things, I mean people...

Take care,

Laurel


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 3 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Hahaha... I am glad you enjoyed it. I wrote this when I was dating a guy that would write the most offensive status updates on Facebook and then he was surprised when anyone would unfriend him. On a side note, I unfriended him and blocked him when I dumped him. :-) Thanks for your comment!


Mediagyrl profile image

Mediagyrl 3 years ago

It's so easy to ruin any kind of relationship via social media. And, as I've learned the hard way, sometimes it's hard to NOT to vent on those outlets.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 3 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

I know what you mean... sometimes venting helps. I work hard not to vent about my job on Facebook anymore. I have a private account, but it still makes me nervous. Thanks for your comment!


tlcs profile image

tlcs 2 years ago from Hampshire, UK

Very good and enlightening!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 2 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Thanks so much. I am glad you liked it. :-)

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    Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle (Jeannieinabottle)1,161 Followers
    440 Articles

    Jeannie has been writing for HubPages for over 5 years. She covers a wide variety of topics - anything from hamsters to office work.



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