Dieting my way

don't look like this.

Dieting my way, It might be the right way for you too.

Ok, let me start off by letting you know that I am not an expert on dieting, fitness, getting into shape, and exercise. I am an expert on procrastiantion though. I am in shape, it's oval to round. I diet, by eating whatever I want to. I exercise by typing on here, reaching for the remote control, or by getting off the couch for a drink.

I have bought many exercise dvd's and tapes, everyone of them has been put into the player one time and forgot about. I have bought many exercise machines and equipment, so if you are in the market to buy any of this stuff, I have plenty to choose from.

Now,I know that I should try to loose a few pounds, or twenty. I should be more concerned with my overall health and well being. I should diet and exercise, but that probably is not going to happen. Actually I'm sure it isn't going to happen. So In this hub I will share my excuses for not dieting, excercising or becoming a healthier person. I will also share tips on how to hide that pudge.

Here's a few excuse and that you should feel free to use.

1. Kids overseas are starving, so I have to clean my plate.

2. If you eat something and nobody sees you eat it, then it doesn't count as being eaten. (this is a popular choice of an excuse for cheating spouses.)

3. If you drink a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the diet soda will cancel out the calories of the candy bar. (this applies to all food eaten with a diet soda.)

4. Make sure to feed your friends plenty of high fat foods as they will become fatter and thus make you look thinner.

5. Never weigh yourself with wet hair, as the weight from the wet hair could add extra poundage.

6. Weigh yourself after a haircut.

7. Eat foods high in preservatives as preservatives help you look younger.

8. Tell yourself daily that you are not overweight, you are just undertall.

9. It's really expensive to buy new clothes, so stay the weight you are.

10. French fries are a vegetable!

A Diet Prayer

Lord, My soul is ripped with riot

incited by my wicked diet.

"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man!

and, Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.

I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain!

but at my present weight, I'll need a crane.

So grant me strength, that I may not fall

into the clutches of cholesterol.

May my flesh with carrot-curls be sated,

that my soul may be poly unsaturated

And show me the light, that I may bear witness

to the President's Council on Physical Fitness.

And at oleomargarine I'll never mutter,

for the road to Hell is spread with butter.

And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;

and Satan is hiding in every waffle.

Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;

the Devil is in each slice of baloney,

Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,

and Lucifer is a lollipop.

Give me this day my daily slice

but, cut it thin and toast it twice.

I beg upon my dimpled knees,

deliver me from jujubees.

And when my days of trial are done,

and my war with malted milk is won,

Let me stand with Heavenly throng,

In a shining robe--size 30 long.

I can do it Lord, If You'll show to me,

the virtues of lettuce and celery.

If You'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise,

of pasta a la Milannaise

potatoes a la Lyonnaise

and crisp-fried chicken from the South.

Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.

--

Author: Victor Buono

Don't let this happen to you.

My tips for hiding pudge

  1. Wear two pairs of control top pantyhose.
  2. Wear spandex at every opportunity. Spandex is your friend.
  3. Wear oversized clothing.
  4. Dump your skinny friends. You don't need them, you have food!

If you feel that you must diet after all the help that I have given you in your quest to not join the dieting masses then may I suggest this diet to you.

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Comments 21 comments

Ryan Hupfer profile image

Ryan Hupfer 8 years ago from San Francisco, CA

Thanks for joining up on this week's Mob! I kight make a suggestion, though - you should probably change the title form the initial request to something else like 'Why Healthy Does Not Necessarily Mean Skinny'. HubMobsters rule!


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

Good one my dear...Like your way of dieting....Thanks G-Ma :o) hugs


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thanks G-ma. That's the way I diet best, not at all!


Ryan Hupfer profile image

Ryan Hupfer 8 years ago from San Francisco, CA

Great title choice...I see that you're have learned how to change it, too. :)


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thanks Ryan, yea, still learning stuff, but seems pretty easy, I think. hmmm.


Madison Parker profile image

Madison Parker 8 years ago from California

I can't believe you never thought of writing seriously, you are flippin' hysterical! I loved this piece and totally agree with you!!! Watch for my article, "Why a Berka is better." I'm so frustrated with trying to keep this old bod lookin' good that I'm thinking that hiding it is better! You go!!! Good job!

Madison


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thanks Madison. I think the burka is an awesome way to hide fat. I might have to buy one. I am lokking forward to reading your hub, I could use a few more tips, those two pairs of control top hose are killing me.


jupitar 8 years ago

I like the "Diet prayer". of course the Hub also. God bless us. :)


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

I really liked that prayer too, I should probably used it more often, my my fat butt is too lazy to memorize it.


Uninvited Writer profile image

Uninvited Writer 8 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

Those photographs are just scary!

Well done.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thanks for the comment uninivted writer! Those photos are scary, glad I don't look anything like them, probably never will either.


Anna Marie Bowman profile image

Anna Marie Bowman 8 years ago from Florida

Great hub!!! I agree, those pics are scary! The video of the Catkins diet is a riot, in a disturbing sort of way.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thank You Anna Marie, I had a lot of fun putting this one together. The Catkins diet is funny.


Moon Daisy profile image

Moon Daisy 8 years ago from London

Another hilarious hub. Those photos are scary. But the real versions are also sometimes scary, with stars start looking like sticks with big lollipop heads!

Being skinny makes you miserable. Just imagine not being able to eat all your favourite foods. Eating is one of life's pleasures. My happiest time was when I was pregnant and afterwards, before the baby fat went away. I loved being big!

That belly button video is funny, if slightly disturbing, lol! The Catkins one is more disturbing. Don't think I'll be trying that diet. (Or any other!)


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

LOL big lollipop heads. thats funny! Those pics are scary, and your right, skinny is not fun! I've tried it, although fat isn't really either but at least I can enjoy my food. The catkins diet is disturbing but funny.


Dottie1 profile image

Dottie1 8 years ago from MA, USA

Thanks for all the wonderful tips and excuses on dieting your way and for the best diet prayer I've ever read.


pcjunkychick profile image

pcjunkychick 8 years ago from OKC

lol great hub.

I love the screaming belly button! lol


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thanks Dottie, your welcome for the tips and advice. I believe everyone should have a diet or exercise excuse, we don't all want to be physically fit! That diet prayer is pretty good, wish I could take credit for it but I can't! Stop by anytime and drop me a comment, if you have any tips or excuse feel free to share.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thank You pcjunkychick, I am pretty sure If i were that skinny and only ate that much my belly button would react the same way.


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada

Great hub! I like your way to diet.

regards Zsuzsy


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thanks Zsuzy Bee. Stop in anytime!

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