Hubbing Addiction: Introducing Candyman Hubberpants and a Quick Fix

funpics.com
funpics.com

There have been many hubs written about people being addicted to hubbing. It’s a condition that is now widely recognized and all that’s left is for a psychiatrist to give it a name and for a pharmaceutical company to make a pill. The problem is that true hub addicts don’t want a cure, we need a fix. That’s right, and don’t pretend to not know what I’m talking about.

Hub addicts begin experiencing withdrawal from the very moment they step away from the computer, and this causes a wide range of very nasty symptoms. However, I’m not going to spend time detailing the symptoms of addiction and withdrawal, I’ve linked those hubs for you to read when you’re willing to acknowledge you have issues with hubbing. What I’m going to focus on is the quick fix for times when you’re unable to hub and you need to hub.

The holidays are a difficult time for a person addicted to hubbing. There are constant demands placed on us to not be at the computer so that we can participate in festive things. But this can be true all year round. My family is becoming increasingly concerned over my haggard appearance and mental stability. I’m often forced to pry my fingers away from the keyboard so that I can pretend to be normal again. Pretending to be normal is very difficult when your fingers are shaped like claws from nonstop typing, your eyes are bugging out of your head, and your hair looks like caveman hair.

These are times when what I really need is a fix - a quick fix to keep those nasty withdrawal symptoms under control. Luckily, I found the answer during one of my late night trips to the corner store to buy energy drinks so that I could continue my ritual of staying up all night to hub in secret. Evidently, I’m not alone in my hub addiction and reliance on energy drinks, because on this particular night, I noticed a shady but rather attractive man standing by the drink coolers.

Candyman Hubberpants
Candyman Hubberpants

He was leaning casually against the end cooler with a red fedora tipped downwards nearly covering one eye. His zebra print coat was open exposing lots of bling, and I noticed a very flashy pimp cane in his hand. As I opened the cooler that contains the Red Bull, yes I’m into the heavy stuff, I heard him whispering, “Psst, hey lady…psst, lady…you lookin’ to score some hubs?”

He immediately had my attention. My body was in full withdrawal mode. I was shaking and on the verge of a near seizure when he motioned with his head for me to follow him out the back door. Once we were out in the alley behind the trash dumpster littered with snoozing winos, he opened his plush zebra coat where a plethora of hubs bulged from the pockets in the lining. My hand impulsively reached out to grab one, and he swiftly smacked it away with his pimp cane. I regained my senses enough to ask him who he was, “Are you like a hub dealer?” His answer was swift, “I’m a dealer and a pimp…I pimp writers and I push hubs.” He told me his writer hoes and clients call him: Candyman Hubberpants.

My dreams had come true. This angel in a zebra coat capable of wielding a pimp cane like a ninja sword was willing to sell hubs to help me during all those times when my family has me tied up in the closet.  We got right down to business as he pointed out each piece of hub candy and described the content and price:

Ragweed - $10.00: This type of hub will only satisfy your need to click the ‘publish’ button, and the current available subjects are multiple variations of “Hot Indian Chicks.” You won’t get any attention or respect from fellow hubbers, but you will get a quick fix by being able to publish something.

Homegrown - $20.00: Garden variety hubs with 2 to 3 paragraphs, a few random pics, and maybe a video. Again, this is a quick fix that might also generate a little traffic.

Homegrown Gold - $30.00: This is the same as homegrown, but each hub is laced with a catchy title to draw in a few curious people.

Black Beauty - $50.00: These hubs are mass generated for the sole purpose of creating controversy leading to zillions of comments and page views. It’ll create an adrenaline rush that’ll keep you speeding for days on end as comments from angry readers come pouring in for you to respond to. Anti-Christ hubs are really hot.

Crystal Skull - $100.00: Very entertaining hubs that can be serious or funny, and we take extra effort to include relevant pictures and videos to add credibility and interest. These are designed to allow you to pick up a few fans, get googled at least 25 times a day, and each one provides a good buzz of quality comments.

White Dragon - $250.00: Guaranteed to be Hot! Best! hubs for at least a week. This is the ultimate hub high you can buy. Your hub score will skyrocket, your fans will swoon, and you’ll be busy for weeks answering comments. Fellow hubbers will love you, strangers will want to love you, women will weep with joy, men will scratch their balls with satisfied elation, and teenagers will say, “OMG! WTF?”

*All hubs are available on CD or as typed paper copies.

My choice was easy. I didn't have enough cash for a Crystal Skull or a White Dragon, and I didn't think I could pull those off anyway. I'm allergic to Ragweed, so I scored several Homegrown Golds and shuffled back home. Hopefully these will tide me over through the holidays.

Another solution if you're too shy to score hubs from the Candyman.

funpics.com
funpics.com

I originally got the idea for this hub after reading Shirley Anderson’s hub about hubaholics, but I ditched the notion quickly because I wasn’t sure about the direction I would take the subject. However, Rockinjoe recently published a hot hub and the idea was sparked again. After days and days of seeing his hub dominating hubtivity and drawing me in every day to read comments, I found myself wanting to leave a comment saying, “Hey Joe, psst, Joe…can I score a hub from you?” From there Candyman Hubberpants was born.

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Comments 52 comments

rockinjoe profile image

rockinjoe 7 years ago from Standing right behind you!

Hi Pam. Thank you for the kind words and ofcourse, the link. It's very much appreciated. Unfortunately, I'm not dealing hubs any longer. They're extremely difficult to roll and even harder to light.

I predict you'll get many, many comments with this awesome hub:)


jimmythejock profile image

jimmythejock 7 years ago from Scotland

nice hub Pam lol there are a lot of addicts out here in Hubland.....jimmy

http://hubpages.com/hub/Hubaholics-anonymous


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Thank you Joe. :) I have to call it like it is, and my hat's off to you for the awesome hubs you've been buying...I mean writing. ;) lol! Seriously, it was everything I could do to not leave you a comment begging you to write me a hub. :) You've got it going on, and you would really have a good van-based type of business writing hubs for other people. ;)

Jimmy, thank you, and it looks like I'll be adding more addict links! ;)


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

this is white dragon right here! i'm satisfied and elated but I'm not scratching...! LOL


eovery profile image

eovery 7 years ago from MIddle of the Boondocks of Iowa

Don't let my wife see this.  She would agree.

Thanks.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Hey Chris, thank you gazillions for the compliment. You're quite the dragon yourself. ;)


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

I've been battling a mean chest cold, and when I'm at home, I know I should do nothing but rest, but as I sweat it out, all I keep thinking about is how I have to get up, and go to the computer, and then I wonder if I am sweating from the Cold or from withdrawels. Right now, I'm at work, with an important deadline, and look at me...


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Thanks eovery :) I'll never tell. :X

Goldentoad...I know, I know! lol! I am sorry to hear about your chest cold. Eat lots of raw garlic and that'll keep infection from setting in. Honestly it works. Chest colds are the worst. :( Perhaps you're having a combination of sickness sweating and withdrawals. ;) It is hard to tell the difference.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

I MUST meet your dealer! Mine doesn't sell anything better than the Black Beauty and, as you may already know, that's just a gateway hub.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

ROFL B.T.! Of course I'll hook you up. ;) You want some zebra shoes too? Actually, you're being a humble jackalope. I've seen you crank out more dragons than I can count. ;)


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

You are too kind. Frankly, I'm surprised I haven't resorted to the Ragweed, yet! Although I may have been close, with the donkey hub lol! And I think the Zebra shoes would be lovely with my Evilpants, but I'm more interested in that awesome hat!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

LMAO! Yes, the shoes would be a nice addition to your evilpants. You'd look quite dashing in the hat too, I'm just not sure how it would fit between your antlers. :D I'm glad you came back because I forgot to mention before that I like your Christmasy avatar. :)


pgrundy 7 years ago

Oh yes, I'm an addict, but I don't mind. I've been addicted to much worse! lol!

The most negative side effect of hub addiction for me is the degree to which it distracts me from writing about foot powder and MLM and other really boring topics that people will pay me to write about over at Elance. Here there is ad revenue, but it isn't as much as I could make writing more of the boring painful stuff.

Still, it' s hard to feel bad about spending less time writing foot powder copy. Great hub, Pam!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Thanks Pam :) Most funny things, to me, have real elements of truth. lol! I'm with you about boring writing material even when it makes you money. I applied for a job once that involved writing about new anti-aging ingredients of various products, and I politely declined the job halfway through my first article. It was so boring. Kudos to you for being way more of a writer than me and buckling down to churn out foot powder copy. ;)


Bruce Elkin profile image

Bruce Elkin 7 years ago from Victoria, BC Canada

Excellent hub, as illustrated by the early flood of positive comments. Funny, but a touch of seriousness in there too. I enjoyed it. Thanks.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Thanks Bruce, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. :) I've got to quickly get a 14th hub out there because I'm freaking out over the fact that this one is number 13! lol!

Thanks again for stopping in for a read. :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

Hey! Candyman Hubberpants stole my outfit and I wan't it back! ROFLMAOWCSOMN!  This was a very clever hub, making hub writing analagous to selling term papers (that was the analogy, right?  That's what Candyman was selling?).  I, too, have been known to yeild my pimp cane with ninja skill!  Very, very funny!  You get a "White Dragon" from me, too (or even a "Maui Kazowie!")


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

ROFLMAO Chris, so if I get your outfit back, will you post a picture of yourself in it in your avatar pic? ;) Better yet, maybe a brief video of you also wielding your pimp cane?

Yep, the Candyman is good at pimping his writers to pump out just about any kind of hub on the fly which is indeed analogous to selling term papers, drugs or anything needed in a pinch. ;) lol!

Maui Kazowie...*shudder* that frightens me, and it sounds quite potent, yet I'm intrigued and will ask the Candyman to think about adding this as soon as I figure out what it is. ;) He may not have any writers of that caliber.

Thanks so much Chris, I really appreciate your kind dragon comment, which coming from a dragon means so much. :)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

So funny, and so true. If I haven't published a hub for a few days I start get twitchy and frustrated by a lack of good ideas to write about. It really isn't about the money I could earn, and is far more about the feedback from readers and the satisfaction of publishing the latest hub.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Misty, thank you! :) Yes, the twitching can be horrible. lol! You do manage to write many hubs. I don't know how you do it, but keep on doing it. Writing and what we all do here is a good thing. If it really is a type of addiction, then I really don't want to be cured. ;) Merry Christmas, hope your holiday is wonderful. Thanks for coming in to read. :)


Marlene F. profile image

Marlene F. 7 years ago from Richmond, Virginia

Only 3 weeks and I am already an addict. I work full-time and am raising a teenage daughter, so I don't get much time to Hub, but I figure I'll do what i can for now. Then when my daughter is grown....I am hoping to know all of the rules and have it down pat so that I can publish without offending anyone. I hope someday to publish one of those that you call "White Dragon". Thank you so much for your advice in this Hub>>>


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Hi Mariene, thank you for your kind comment. :) It doesn't take long to get addicted to the community here, and if it is an addiction, I think it's a very good one. Although my family would probably disagree. lol! Have a wonderful Christmas. :)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

LOL, no I don't want to be cured either :)


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 7 years ago

Pam!  First, thank you so much for linking my hub here :)  Very sweet of you!

This was toooo funny!  I absolutely love Candyman Hubberpants!  Very clever, and I truly wish he was real!  It's been over a month since I've published a thing, so don't fret about getting out your 14th hub, it will come.  I have two things on the back burners that I would like to write about, but both of them will take a lot of time and even more research, so I'm not sure when or if they'll ever get published.  I much prefer writing things on the fly, which probably explains why I've never hit 100 :(

Great hub, thumbs up!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Trish, you're very welcome, and thank you for the extra special comment. :) I hear you about having hubs on the backburner. I have 3 or 4 that I started and haven't finished yet. When the time is right, they will come forward...for better or worse. ;) I think those writings on the fly are so wonderful because they usually come from a spark that takes over and carries you forward with passion.

Thank you again Trish. I hope your holiday has been wonderful. :)


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 7 years ago

You're very welcome, Pam.  You're right, those sparks ignite the fire and the writing flows.  Quite surprising at times.  Many times I found myself leaving lengthy comments, stopping mid-sentence, and turning it into my own hub.

Holiday has been quiet so far, and will no doubt be quiet for the New Year.  I no longer celebrate the New Year, as in going anywhere.  I much rather chat on the phone, then settle in and watch old movies or now, I'll have a new activity to enjoy, dear hubpages :)

Have a wonderful, healthy and happy New Year!


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 7 years ago from Central Oklahoma

ROTFLMAO! Brilliant, Pam!

Also, trish1048 is so right about turning comments into hubs. I haven't done it yet, but figured out awhile back that some of my lengthier comments *should've* been hubs because they're better (or funnier) than most of those I published. Go figure.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Thank you tons JamaGenee! :) After reading your extremely funny hub about McCain passing you over (a must read for anyone who enjoys laughing), a laugh coming from you is a huge compliment. :)

Yes I think trish is on to something huge about turning comments in to hubs, which is what I did with this one. The hard part is to keep from making the comment so that you can write a hub. It was torture!


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth

lol. I loved it. I want a white dragon hub!!! I think though it would take years to make me $250 off of Hubpages- addiciting it is though, even if my total HubProfit equals $4.55. hehe.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Thanks Mellas! :D From the looks of things, you're already cranking out some white dragons. ;) And your profits are building up quicker than mine too. :D I don't know how you manage to crank out hubs at the speed of light, but you do it well, and I love it. :)

I've got some plans for Candyman down the road. ;)


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth

Thanks. Usually I just write whatever is on my mind. You wouldnt believe how many half hubs I have unfinished. I get half done and then Im like... 'ugh, thats lame... you cannot publish that' lol... I'm hard on myself.

I'm busy this week with 12 content pieces another site wants me to write. I actually don't want to do it, because its on subjects I dont care much for.

Anyhow, I cannot wait to see what other plans you have for Candyman. : ) I know it's going to be damn good. : )


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

I hear you Mellas, I'm hard on myself too, and I'm real close to creating an extra profile here just to write some off the wall ideas. I'll let you know when that happens of course. ;)

It's SO hard to write about stuff you don't care for. YOU GO GIRL! I admire you for being able to do it anyway. I've had a great deal of difficulty with that. Good luck with those 12 content pieces! :) I know you'll do a great job.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

Pam and all friends: I write to you from jail. I went down to the seedy part of town, and there he was, Candyman Hubberpants. I needed a fix bad, so I approached saying, "Candyman, you gotta help me out, Dude!" It was a cop disguised as the Candyman on a sting operation. I was surrounded by coppers and handled quite roughly and arrested for Attempting to Procure.

Don't worry about me. My lawyer, O'Shannon the Shyster will spring me, but I thought you all should be warned!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Damn those vice-hub undercover agents! I hear O'Shannon is one heck of a lawyer if you can ever get him to leave The Greasy Finger Pub. ;) If you run into a snag with him, let me know and I'll see if I can't get my cousin bubba to help you out. :D


Deshawn 7 years ago

great article


Deshawn 7 years ago

great article


Anna Marie Bowman profile image

Anna Marie Bowman 7 years ago from Florida

This is great!!!! I have often been told that I "need to leave my cave", and spend time with everyone else. But, why won't they just leave me alone and let me Hub??? Please send my information along to Candycane Hubberpants, as I have would...ummm...like to make a purchase.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Thank you Anna! :) Your cave problem is shared amongst many. It's a grave situation and I'll be more than happy to send Mr. Hubberpants your information. :D

Thanks again for coming in to read Anna. I appreciate it. :)


Patricia Costanzo profile image

Patricia Costanzo 7 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

I'm giggling and guiltily watching the door as I read this. Just one more hub before they get home...


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

LOL Patricia! I booby trap my door now. It helps a lot. :D Thanks for coming in for a read. :)


Whikat 7 years ago

This is funny Pam, I could use a candyman hubberpants for forum posts I think. I am afraid I am hooked on those Black Beauty's. I am going to seek help one of these days. Is there any program designed like AA, but only for hubber addicts? Great hub.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Whitkat, that's a great idea! I don't think Candyman has thought of breaking into the forum post business! I haven't met any hubbers yet who want rehabilitation, so unfortunately there is no hubber anonymous organization yet. I'm sorry, but it looks like you're holding up just fine!

Thanks so much for coming in to read and for the great (and funny) comment! :)


Teresa McGurk profile image

Teresa McGurk 7 years ago from The Other Bangor

Funny stuff -- and so true. We do get a hubbuzz, don't we? This not-being-able to type business is really getting to me; can't wait to get my cast put on (it'll be smaller than the current dressing) so I can write more hubs. . .


Shirley Anderson profile image

Shirley Anderson 7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Pam, you have done a great service for your fellow hubbers here! Not by bringing the addiction to the forefront (we already know) but by making it public that you have a hub source!

I have had so much work lately that I can scarcely get on HP anymore. I was wondering....do you think you could hook me up? I need a little something to tide me over until I can get back.

Please? *whimper*


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Teresa, thank you! I was wondering last night about how you were able to type. It must be hard and miserable, but I'm so happy that you're back! i've missed you. Thanks for coming in to read this one, it was a fun one to do. :)

Psst...Shirley...psst....I think I can hook you up! As one of my favorite hubbers, I'll even cut you a real good deal! Commenting on my hubs will get you everywhere with me. :D Shirley, thank you for coming in and for the humor you always share. I've missed seeing you around, and I hope this means you're here more now. :)

Oh, and yes, we don't need rehab! No, no. We need to be hooked up for heaven's sake! ;)


Eastern Rainbow profile image

Eastern Rainbow 6 years ago

It's my privilege to be your fan


drej2522 profile image

drej2522 6 years ago from Augusta, GA

dang it! I was thinking about writing a hub addiction hub! I think you nailed it with a little bit of humor and grace...better than I could ever possibly convey!

Great hub!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 6 years ago from Virginia Author

Thank you so much drej, I really appreciate it! Go ahead and do your own too...please! Everybody has their own way of putting a different twist on hubaholism that always makes for a great read, and we can all identify with it in a huge way no matter which way you want to twist it. :) Do it! And let me know when you do so I can read it. Pretty please? :) Thanks for coming in to read!


Website Examiner 6 years ago

Pam Roberson, I think I have the reverse syndrome; I take delight in unpublishing and then deleting hubs. I like hubs when they are clean and untouched, no visitors, no comments. Deleting accounts is another passion of mine. I enjoyed this hub!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 6 years ago from Virginia Author

Website Examiner, you have me tickled beyond my wildest dreams! ROFL! The hub disorder you describe is very sophisticated indeed! I may need to consult with Hannibal Lecter or someone of equal genius to figure this out! Thank you for sharing and for reading. ;) lol!


Tambrey 21 months ago

It's good to get a fresh way of lokonig at it.


Trevion 20 months ago

Whoever edits and puhblsies these articles really knows what they're doing.

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