I’ll miss Andy Rooney too but here’s why I should have his old job!

Andy Rooney
Andy Rooney | Source
An old photo (I'm much thinner, taller and tanner now) but you get the idea, right?
An old photo (I'm much thinner, taller and tanner now) but you get the idea, right? | Source

Ever since I started blogging people have written to tell me I’m going to hell or that they’re surprised I haven’t been “discovered” by the likes of Rosie, Oprah or David Sedaris’ publishers. At different points in a day I tend to agree with both sides’ opinions. What I’ve always tried to do is to write in a sort of elevated sense of me that sometimes can piss people off, on rare occasions make them think about something in a new way but the main goal is to make people laugh at the silliness of the world around us that we tend to let stress us out. So I’ll miss Andy Rooney too but here’s why I should have his old job! – Don’t Get Me Started!

To all of you overly perfumed women and over cologne men out there, please read on. You have got to stop it all ready. Yes, you’re wearing too much. Have you ever noticed that once you begin to enter a room, all eyes tear up as they look to you? It’s not because you’re the most beautiful or handsome thing in the world, it’s because the rest of us are about to have an asthma attack from the amount of eau de you smell like a bad toilet deodorant you’re wearing. I don’t know why people feel the need to put so much cologne on. Are they rotting from the inside out or something and trying to cover the smell? I have a friend that I finally sat down and after pussy footing about it for as long as I could I finally told her that she was wearing too much perfume. I was sure she might be a little embarrassed but I knew I was serving a higher purpose for anyone who had or might come into contact with her. I was shocked when she said, “I know. I like for people to smell me before I get into the room and that my perfume lingers after I leave.” What?!? Seriously? Well, the cheese stands alone on that one, lady!! Honestly, what are you working for the Glade company as their mascot or something? The same goes for you guys who have so much Drakkar Noir on that you must be going through a bottle a week and how do you find it, do they even still make it or are you brewing your own at this point in the bath tub? The only good news about some of these over sprayed people is that in some cases you can smell them so far in advance that you can run and get away from them at the first sniff. The other side of the smelly spectrum is the smokers who have become so infused with years of cigarette smoke that they walk around like Pig Pen from Peanuts. These people are just as offensive and even though they’re not smoking at the time it’s as if there’s so much stored in their lungs that you can see it trying to escape when they speak as if it’s just a cold day outside in the middle of July. Hey, if you want to smoke, smoke but please do the rest of us a favor and occasionally wash those “hunting jackets” men and nylon tops ladies that seem to be smoking on their own from the odor they’re giving off!

I’m not a parent and I don’t think I’ll ever be a parent. But it doesn’t take being a parent to see when people who are parents are getting it so wrong. I don’t get the women with their plumped up lips and velour jogging suits who look like they’re in the real life version of the real housewives of wherever who sit at Starbucks in the morning in their Prada oversized sunglasses sipping their skinny latte texting on their bejeweled iPhone while their child is eating a scone and a vanilla bean milkshake for breakfast. Oh yeah lady, that’s the breakfast of champions right there! I know most people like to attack the morbidly obese people who are feeding their kids six cheeseburgers off the dollar menu at McDonalds, I don’t have much use for them either but it seems as though if you feed your children poorly at Starbucks while looking rich then you get a pass or something. Well not here, ladies. Wake up and fix your kids breakfast. I’ll admit that I was a child who started every day on Captain Crunch or Quisp but at least my parents sat there with me and poured the cereal into my bowl. While it may not be the perfect nutritional breakfast it’s got to be better than these women who are sitting there trying to look as if they’re Kris Jenner creating the next Kardashian trainwreck mocklebrity from their kids.

So while the world will definitely miss Andy Rooney and we all appreciated his humorous insights into life, I think it’s time for a more pissed off version of him, a younger version of him, a more Jewish version of him, okay I’ll say it, “a gayer version of him!” I’ll miss Andy Rooney too but here’s why I should have his old job! – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Comments 3 comments

Mia 4 years ago

Laughing my ass off! What "little perfect ass I have".

From the moment I met you I have appreciated your gift for expression! Carry on my dear friend!


mkcircle 4 years ago

Fathers also need to 'step it up'. Dads are often told that they are 'great fathers' for the same little things that moms do EVERY DAY (ie: hold their child in line at a grocery store).


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somelikeitscott 4 years ago from Las Vegas Author

Mia - Yes, it's still a perfect little ass!!!

Maria - indeed, you are correct!

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