I'm going to Hell!

A little taste of Hell

Source

Seriously, I'm pretty excited about it.

I went to church today. I had never been to a real church before and thought it was about time. I’d been to a fish fry once, and they said a prayer… but I don’t think that counts.

It was an odd experience to say the least. First, there was a lot of talk about this fellow, Jesus. I’m not sure who he was, but I felt pretty bad for him. First off, his real dad wasn’t around to raise him. His step dad seemed pretty cool, though, so that was good. When he was born, no one brought him rattlers and binkies and soft stuffed animals, they gave him frankincense, myrrh and some friggin’ gold bars. You can’t play with that stuff. As a matter of fact, if the bars were small enough, and they probably were (gold bars can be heavy to cart around ) it was actually a choking hazard. Poor baby Jesus.

Then they talked about Jesus after he was all grown up. They said something about him healing people and giving them food and wine and then the people turning around and killing him. I’m thinking the wine may have been a bad idea.

It was OK, though, because after a few days of rest, the killing didn’t take, and so he was good to go. I’m not sure where he went but it must be like a great resort or something because everyone else wanted to go there too.


After reading this article, I realize I was wrong about the "more is better"... oops.
After reading this article, I realize I was wrong about the "more is better"... oops. | Source

Intermission

Then we had intermission. Intermission is when they give you stuff to eat and drink. I had no idea church people could be so thoughtful. It does make you hungry and thirsty to sit there so long doing nothing but listen to some guy talk about some other guy. Anyway, these nice men came around and handed me a plate of crackers. They were broken, but I was real nice and didn’t comment on that fact. I grabbed a handful and passed the plate on. The guy next to me looked at me funny, but I’m pretty sure it’s because he was surprised I didn’t say anything about the crackers being in pieces. He followed my lead and didn’t say anything either. What a nice guy!

Then, about the time the crackers were starting to make me really thirsty, here came the same guys with some grape juice. They were so thoughtful! Wow! When I picked up one of those little cups, I realized it wasn’t grape juice it was wine. SCORE!! I’m thinking this makes all kinds of sense. Jesus made wine, now they want to know if we like wine, and how much we can drink. I figured the more you drink, the more you’re showing your appreciation. Well, I appreciate wine very much, so I downed all 15 of those shots in no time.

The guy holding the plate looked mad. I probably beat his record. No guy likes to get shown up by a girl. I smiled and gave him the thumbs up sign. He walked away. Some people are just sore losers.

After intermission the same guy, known as “preacher” got back up, only this time he was waving his arms around and holding a book. He was getting really worked up about something. I couldn’t make out everything he said, (I’m not good at translating from Thee’s and Thou’s to proper English ) but I did make out the word hell.


My Vacation in Hell... See... I wasn't the only one!
My Vacation in Hell... See... I wasn't the only one! | Source

Hell, a great place to visit... but you might not want to live there.

Off to Hell we go!

Now, I’m not exactly sure what hell is since they didn’t mention it at the fish fry, but apparently it is some place that this preacher man gets really excited about. Oh, and from what I could tell, it’s really warm there too.

It must be a vacation spot, kind of like the resort where Jesus went. I guess the people were a little split over where to go for their church trip. The preacher kept asking if the people in the church wanted to go to Hell. The people kept yelling, “NO!”… but that didn’t stop the man from asking over and over. Hell must be an awesome place if he wouldn't give up after being out voted!

After the preacher man finally accepted the majority vote on the vacation spot, a lady got up. She had everyone pick up these books, then she smiled and said something about making a joyful noise. Another lady sat at a piano and began to play music and sing. Then everyone around me began smiling and singing too. I couldn’t help but think I was glad they were happy about it because the noise I heard was just painful.

I started to sing “Zip It Dee Doo Dah” since the theme was joyful stuff, and as far as I could tell no one was singing the same thing, so it must not matter. People looked, but they didn’t stop singing their own thing, so I knew I made the right choice. I will say, that was totally fun!

After church was over we all filed out of the church real orderly like. There was a line of people saying goodbye to us. I couldn’t believe how thoughtful that was. There was preacher man at the end of the line, telling everyone he hoped to see them again soon. When I got up there, however, preacher man grabbed my hand and pulled me in real close like he was going to hug me… but he didn’t. Instead he whispered in my ear “If I ever see you back here you’re going to hell”.

I thought it was really nice of him to offer to send me where he really wanted to go, and I told him so. When you think something good about someone you really should tell them.

I’m not sure why, but preacher man did not appreciate my thoughtfulness. He got really red in the face and started spluttering. I’ve never seen someone splutter…another first for me! Finally this nice, quiet-type woman next to him guided me forward out of the church door and said, “We have church once a year, we’ll see you next time, honey.”

I told her I was looking forward to it as they had great wine. And you know what… I meant it! From now on you can just call me “Sue the churchgoer who’s saving up to go to hell.” Nice. I like that.

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Comments 127 comments

breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 5 years ago

I choked on my wine reading this. I have to vote this up, funny and awesome and probably beautiful! I went to a wedding Friday between a Italian Catholic very devout guy and a Jewish woman. It was like the Hatfields and the Mccoys. What fun!


sunflowerbucky profile image

sunflowerbucky 5 years ago from Small Town, USA

This was hilarious! Loved it!


Mentalist acer profile image

Mentalist acer 5 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

Amen and Amen,Saint sueroy.;)


Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Between you and Stan today you two have me practically rolling on the floor.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Pop- I choke on my wine when I read your hubs too! I'm glad to see I could return the favor.

What an unusual wedding... those are going to be some messed up kids... or some really lucky kids! Christmas AND Hanukah!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Bucky- thanks for stopping by.. I'm glad you liked it! I love your stuff. Congratulations on the paying writing jobs by the way!! :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Susan- I had to check his site out after your comment. I believe our dear friend, Stan, has finally lost his marbles! What a nut!

I'm glad I could add to the laughter... he's a hard act to follow!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Mentalist- how could I have missed your comment? You called me a saint! I'm not sure what that means, but I'm thinking if a lot of other people agree with you... I can get my own holiday. Will it be called "Hell Day" I wonder??


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Sue,

First. Great writing, loved it.

Second. Ooooh you're going to catch some stick over this. I have only been in America for a brief twenty years, but I know for absolute certain that you can joke about poo, and you can not joke about God. Poo is funny. God is not.

How did you miss that?

First week in SoCal, I am enjoying a margarita or three with She, when I notice that our waiter is called Angel. Funny I thought. Then the buss boy came by, his nametag said Jesus. Being very Brit, I thought this mucho hilarious. People at nearby tables, not so amused. So I learned that making funny of God stuff is bad...

And, wait, Bucky's making money...

C


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris- Yeah, Bucky's making money. She's cute, snarky, and a good writer... go figure!

I wasn't making fun of God. I was making fun of myself... God just happened to be there. Yeah, I know... I'm going to hell. I'd better start stockpiling my poo jokes, I heard you can trade them for ice down there.


CathyandDaveAdopt profile image

CathyandDaveAdopt 5 years ago from The Med City

Hilarious!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Dave- you do realize liking this means you're probably going to hell with me! Pack your sun tan lotion!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Sue,

I believe the location is in, what is loosely termed, the Southern States, so I am not going to go there, if I can help it.

The picture of you slamming the sacramental wine had me in tears, all innocent faced with the odd crumb around your mouth...hoo boy!

I am not so afraid of h...e...double hocky sticks, it's the God squad I worry about. I saw how they savaged Pcunix, it wasn't pretty.

(notice how I hedged my bets there?)

I believe God has a fantastastic sense of humor - look at the design of the male body for one thing - I dont know much, but I think She loves a good laugh...

C


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris- I wrote this because the thought occurred to me, "What would a person who'd never been in a church, or taught anything about religion think if they went to church?"... the answer had me in stitches. (Slamming wine shots was my favorite part too! I'm glad you got the visual I was going for!!!)

It really wasn't a FOR or AGAINST religion... I'm slow, but not a complete idiot. :)

I didn't know they savaged our Pcunix.. I'll have to go check on him. I still haven't finished reading his enthralling Riley series. He's an excellent writer, whether you agree with his views or not.

I'm a big one for live and let live. God does have an incredible sense of humor, I know because I get messed with a LOT!

Did you see how I can hedge too... didn't know I had it in me did ya?? :)


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Pcunix doesn't care - he just goes for it as an avowed athiest.

I'm firmly in the "don't know" category. Not about to piss off a possible deity if I can help it!

Good hedging.

You should set up a fund.

I hear hedge funds make beaucoup bucks...

C


LeisureLife profile image

LeisureLife 5 years ago from USA

Ok, but I don't think that there is a person like this that exists on the planet. Religion is too much a part of our everyday lives, even for those who don't believe...And I couldn't tell if you were just trying to write in an accent or what, but it did not sound very fluent. Anyways, thanks for the hub. I enjoyed reading it regardless.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris- What about hedge hogs? I think there's something in the stock market for that... or is that pig bellies? Hedge bellies?


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Leisure- I don't know... I've met some pretty dumb people. I count myself among them.

It speaks to your reading abilities that you could look past my lack of fluency and still enjoy the hub.

Thanks for stopping by!


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 5 years ago from India

Hahaha, what an edifying experience!


Tammy L profile image

Tammy L 5 years ago from Jacksonville, Texas

Sue, if you want to go to hell, come to Texas during the summer. By the time you DO get to hell, you won't be so hot. When the Rangers actually made the World Series last year, and GASP! won a game, I thought people in hell were gonna make a run on electric blankets. I can't say the Rangers will be in the World Series when hell freezes over anymore so I guess I'll just go with when Jerry Jones becomes a humble man, hell will freeze over.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest

Loved it- funny and awesome. What more can I say. I hear there is hell on earth too- I've been there many times. And something Ive heard about hell on wheels- now that's a car I'd be interested in. I'm posting a link to this from one of my hubs. Voted up!


Literary Geisha profile image

Literary Geisha 5 years ago from Philippines

hilarious! oops, i think that came up twice already, but i can't think of any other word. thumbs - and votes - up!


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 5 years ago from Wales

Only one word: brilliant.

Eiddwen.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Dallas has double L's - just sayin.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Feline- that is the whole reason I write.... to edify. Soooo glad I could help. :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Tammy- I've heard that about Texas... that it's hot as hell. I've also heard that it's heaven on earth.

Hey.. that must be the vacation spot preacher-man was talking about! It sounds like heaven to me, even if he did call it Hell. Hell, Texas. Awesome. I wonder where that other place is, the one the majority wanted to go to on vacation?

Probably Alaska.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

izetti- I'd be interested in that car as well! If you find it, let me know! I'd love to see what kind of hell we could raise! :)

Thank you so much for linking to me in one of your hubs! You just made my day!!!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Eiddwen- that's my favorite word. :)

Thank you!!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Austin- Does that mean Dallas, is vacationland? When I get my money saved up I'm a comin'!

I'll bring a mankini for Bob!


Jeremey profile image

Jeremey 5 years ago from Arizona

Funny, very funny! I hope I am on my way to that hell place for enjoying it so!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Jeremey- If you are, I'll see you there! I hear there's going to be a bonfire and everything!!


gr82bme profile image

gr82bme 5 years ago from USA

Very funny. Well done. I loved it. It also put a smile on my face and a few chuckles.


Lady Wordsmith profile image

Lady Wordsmith 5 years ago from Lancaster, UK

Sounds like it's going to be a great party - count me in!

Very funny Sue, loved this :D

Linda.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Literary Geisha- I went to your site- loved it- and forgot all about your comment... which I appreciated deeply, by the way!

I can listen to "hilarious" to describe anything I might write a million times..

Thanks to you I just have 996,000 more to go!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

gr8- I've never seen chuckles on someone's face before. Are they big? Are they red? Do they hurt???


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Lady Wordsmith- I'm so happy you can join our fun! Bring marshmallows, we'll make Smores!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA

Ahhh - sueroy - The slow ones have yet to read this piece. When they do, you will know that they have done so. Goronteeeeed!

Consider the savings to churches here and there that might serve communicants water instead of wine. They could justify that by reminding folks that Jesus helped serve up water he said was wine at that wedding in Cana, way back when. I am sure that this is OK because I once used a picture of that deal as one of the illustrations in a book by a preacher that he had entitled, "The sins of Paul the apostle" whom he declared was a fellow who condoned the drinking of alcohol in the church of the day. Preacher went for that picture, so I know that the idea is a good one. :)

Gus :-)))


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Gus- If only this church had thought of that I wouldn't have had to slam down all those wine shots... I probably wouldn't have had the courage to sing Zippedie Do Dah (sp?) either, which, in retrospect may not have been as appreciated by my fellow church goers as I imagined at the time.


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 5 years ago from Florida

This was such fun! If you have not read Mark Twain's "Letters from the Earth," do so. I think you would love it.

When I was in high school, we all marched to the front of the room and knelt by the altar for Holy Communion. The minister would hand each of us a wafer that resembled fish food. But then we all drank wine from the same up. We had to help the minister direct the cup (chalice) to our lips. I became quite adept in managing to get not a sip but a swig!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Hilarious again - I read this with my 22 yr old girl - I made her go to catholic school thru 8th grade (even an atheist should be educated in those things)! We laughed so much! A non catholic girl went to church one Sunday after spending the night - she thought when they shook hands and whispered "peace be with you" that they were saying "peace baby!". She thought they were cool:)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Mysterylady- I LOVE Mark Twain, but have not read his Letters from the Earth... I will check it out at my lovely library this week. He was my hero long before I started bowing at the throne of Dave Barry.

You must be pretty tricky, tricky to be able to get a swig, those priests are usually pretty stiff with the Chalice! Nice Work!! :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Real- too funny! That would be so cool if people said that to each other!!!

My daughter went to a catholic school for a couple of years (It was an awesome school) and I still remember the first time we went to church. My husband took the sacrament then came back and knelt on the kneeling bench. I was horrified. I grabbed his arm and was yell-whispering "get up, get up before someone sees you! What are you doing???" I had no idea you were SUPPOSED to do that. I thought those kneeling benches were foot rests!

Only 995,000 more hilarious-es to go! Peace Baby!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Omg! Excellent! I was just telling my husband about your wicked funny sense of humor!

Hilarious stuff - I can just picture your shock too! I bet it was surprising - the whole mass stand, sit, kneel - confusing even for the Catholics - many who have hang overs at Sunday mass:)

Peace baby:-) lol!


Tammy L profile image

Tammy L 5 years ago from Jacksonville, Texas

Come on down here, sue. Dallas is my neck of the woods. :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Real- The whole thing was a little freaky. The priest spoke in like, Latin or something... or maybe I just had a bad seat. I'm surprised all Catholics don't have knee replacements before they're 50! I think they do that to keep everyone awake. ( I thought there were a lot of red-eyed guys there, I figured they were moved to tears, now I'm thinking they were one of the "hangover people" of which you speak. It's all making sense now!!)

999, 994...oops I was counting wrong- how disappointing. I thought I was so much further along... :(


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Tammy- have you read Austin Star's hub on fashion in TX? Once you do, you might not want to be throwin' it around that you live anywhere near Dallas!

One of these days I'm coming to Texas. For right now, I'll have to make due with my little piece of heaven in Indiana... but I"m savin' up! I'll stop by and see you when I make it to Hell!!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I have a good feeling many of the hubbers will be going to Hell - and it is fun there! I've been there once but they kicked me out;)!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Real-Nice!

How bad do you have to be to get kicked out of Hell?? No seriously, how bad? I've got a few ideas tucked up my sleeve and I'm deciding whether or not to go with them.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

You have to be very bad Sue! I started off by stealing the pitchfork and giving him "what for!". I raised some Cain of my own and I can start fires without flint! I just used my eyes like in Firestarter:). I showed him the ultrasound pictures my mom had of me - I also had horns and a tail!


Truckstop Sally profile image

Truckstop Sally 5 years ago

Have you read the children's short novel, The Best Christmas Pageant Ever by Barbara Parks? From the back of the paperback book, "The Herdman kids lie, and steal, and smoke cigars (even the girls). They also talk dirty, cuss their teachers, and take the name of the Lord in vain. The last place anyone expects to see them is in church . . ." Hilarious - like your hub.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

That is funny Truckstop Sally! I'm going to look for that! Kismet!


fi fi profile image

fi fi 5 years ago from Niagara, Canada

Fabulous, light-hearted hub!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

RealHousewife- I'm picturing you with scary super-powers now. I'm a little frightened... but mostly I think it's wicked awesome cool!

A girl that can stand up to the flames!! You completely rock. (You really should post a video sometime of your laser beam from the eyes fire-starting abilities! )


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Truckstop Sally- I've read quite a bit of Barbara Parks, I really like her stuff... but I don't remember that one. Another on my library list! I hope it doesn't give RealHousewife any more ideas!!! (that could be dangerous!)

Thanks for liking my hub!!!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Fifi- I had so much fun writing this one. My favorite hubs are the ones that start with a "what if" thought. I wondered what people would do if someone pounded down the wine at church... and I went from there.

Thanks for the fabulous. I don't think I've ever gotten one of those! I'll SO take it!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Just so funny! People pounding down the wine at church! Lol! I think you should go to each denomination and do a series:). You are on to something here!!

I think my family nicknaming me "Killer Kelly" had an effect regarding my horrid behavior. Plus here's the poem my mother used to say:

There once was a girl

Who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead

When she was good she was very, very good

When she was bad she was horrid!

Have you ever heard of such a poem? And wouldn't you feel you should be horrid if you chose to be bad?! Lol!


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

Well, sue, I've just learned you are not only hilariously funny, you are also extremely brave. And we have many more things in common than I already knew: we both admire Mark Twain and Dave Barry, and no subject, well, hardly any subject is sacrosanct.

Keep it up, m'dear, just don't let them know where you live!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- I have heard that poem before...it's one of my favorites! You must have given your mom many, MANY grey hairs!!

As for venturing into each religion (as to offend everyone equally..good thinking) I think I'll wait. I can't afford the body guards at this time. :O)

Thanks so much for laughing... and thanks for making ME laugh too!!!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Drbj- Thank you, for the "hilariously funny" but I don't know about the brave. "Too dumb to know better" may be more along the proper lines.

I think it's neat that you share my admiration for two amazing authors! I watched a documentary on Mark Twain the other day and there was so much that blew me away. I didn't realize that he did "stand up comedy". He would read to a group of people that rivaled the crowds of Jeff Foxworthy!

As far as letting anyone know where I live. I'll just put it out there right now. I live in Hell. When you get there, look around. I'll be in the cave that has flowers planted in a toilet out front.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

The pleasure is always all mine Sue! I greatly admire the skill and talent you have! I laugh every single time I read yours and I only hope some day I will be that good. I am so glad I have you and some others to learn from. I have learned so much already - and this is way cheaper than any classes I have taken!

THANK YOU!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- I am glad I can help you learn... what NOT to do! That's so important.

I can be the BEFORE! :)

Thanks RealHo... You're a real... pleasure. :)


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Haha! Seriously, writing a funny article is the hardest to do (I swear I read that somewhere important!). You do it so well it's amazing. I'm hooked on your hubs and stalking you now too:-)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

RealHo- I have a realho stalker!! This is a red letter day!!!

I've always wanted a stalker!

You're so nice.

How did you know??? :O)


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Yes people like it here! You can see why I fit in so well! Yes and here is the stalker method I use: Each night when I would normally read a novel or some such trash, I read educational hubs such as yours. I like them so much that I will visit them each night just because I can't stand feeling like, "what did I miss?". Don't worry, I try not to comment on each one because I know your time is limited:). But I have a big mouth so I usually can't help getting my $2 in:) lol!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

RealHo- I LOVE comments! I always think no one likes my stuff if I only get a few comments. Comments surprise gifts!

$2? No way... you're comments are worth at least $2.50 each!- hey, you could make a living just commenting if you only got paid what you're worth!!


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 5 years ago from West Virginia

I laughed all the way through this! Here I was thinking your were one of those holier than thous and you are just a great person. I will rate your hub up and funny too! Thank goodness another person can think for themselves.


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 5 years ago from Nashville, TN

Sue - this was a real good 'un, but I'm with Chris and Gus. I think you'll eventually get pulverized for this one. But I could be wrong.

Rated up......


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Lady Guinevere- Thank you!

I AM a "holier than thou" person though... couldn't you tell by the way I downed all 15 wine shots? That's holier than anybody else I know!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Stan- I got some flack for my "shy bladder" hub, so I expect someone, somewhere will take offense at this too. Of course, if you can get away with a hub talking about your hurt weenis,.....


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 5 years ago from West Virginia

LOL oh and the wafers too! LOL


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Lady Guinevere- I completely forgot about the wafers... I guess the wine was just way more memorable. (The wafers, to be honest, were just a little bland)


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 5 years ago from West Virginia

hahahahaha!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Those wafers are bland and stale! I always wondered what would happen if I spit it back out;). Yeah, I'm going to hell!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Lady- :O)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

RealHo- I think you're OK as long as you don't spit it back onto the plate.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

No, I was always trying to conceal my badness:)! I also was grossed out by the chalice, I mean, I didn't want to drink after strangers!


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee

You should go to this church I went to a few times. People get up and start speaking in tongues. It's fun to watch, but a little scary. And then the preacher gets up and says that there's demons in the church, at which point I left, because I don't want to go to the same church that demons go to. That's the kind of church I wouldn't recommend for someone's first experience. At least they weren't passing around snakes and stuff. No wine, either, sadly. Yeah, I'm probably going to hell, too. :(


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I've actually gone to one of those! And it was a bit traumatizing for me cuz I thought the person needed some medical treatment but no one was doing anything! They didn't even notice! Of course, I was about 8 or so.......I just wasn't expecting that! Whew no body died in church!

When they said "demons in the church" I snuck out cuz I knew it was me:)!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- I don't blame you for not wanting to drink after other people...esp. since they just ate crackers; that backwash can be nasty!


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 5 years ago from West Virginia

AIDS is passed around by body fluids and so is Mononeuclosis, the flu and colds and many other diseases.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Eww - grat point Sueroy! Yeah, I opted out of this practice - If you haven't been to confession for a while then you shouldn't accept the sacrament. Whew hoo! Guess who stopped going to confession?! Besides, I would probably have to make some stuff up that I did because I wouldn't want to bore the poor priest! Lol!


stclairjack profile image

stclairjack 5 years ago from middle of freekin nowhere,... the sticks

fantastic!,.... gigled sadisticaly the whole time i read it!

glad some one else though of mark twains letters from the earth, i thought of it instantly.

i personaly have to wonder if hell wont be the more interesting place to be,.... you know all the fascinating people will be there,... hitler, kennedy, hoffa,.... martha stewart,... the guest list will be exclusive, the guys and dolls will be hot, the kitchen and dock workers will be organized,.... and it will be tastefully decorated.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

It's nice to meet you, Q. I want to thank you for recommending a church that has demons in attendance. You are so nice.

I think I'll enjoy vacationing in Hell with you. :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Lady- I do NOT want to know what the people are doing with the Chalise in those churches!!

Ewww.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- I believe it's your DUTY to entertain the priest. If you go back to confession, make stuff up.... I can send you a list of ideas if you need help!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Stclairjack- ROFL! I LOVE the thought of causing sadistic giggling (a first), and of Martha Stewart hanging around Hell. I hope they have her working in the (well organized) soup kitchen. (I don't want to have to hang out with her.)

I was going to get Letters from the Earth from our local library... but they don't have it. I'm not sure, but I think that means they're also going to hell. Or maybe I just want them to because Hell would be no fun without free access to books. :O)

I did find the full text on the internet (which I also want with me in Hell).... and am getting ready to read it... thanks for the reminder!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

LOL sueroy - it sounds like so much fun! I almost want to take you up on that! But then - knowing you, I would be doing penance for a long, long time! They make you say the whole darn Rosary, Hail Mary's and Our Fathers - I know you know this! Lol! I would never have time to read hubs. RealHo would miss you all too much:)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- you do have a good point. I had some doozies ready for you! :O)

Glad you're going to stick around here instead!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Oh sueroy I am smiling with excitement - I can't wait to see what you have cooked up for us next! I know you'll have me in complete stitches. And with a mind like yours - I just can't guess where it's going - I like that!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- Thanks, no pressure... :O)


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

You know you'll be laughing when you are writing it! Ha! Take your time, I'm a patient stalker;)


sagbee profile image

sagbee 5 years ago from Delhi

It is hilarious. I am looking forward to learn more from you.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- I hope so!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Sagbee- Thanks... and thank you for stopping by! I checked out your hubs, and see that you know what SEO is... congratulations! SEO is a weird and elusive thing that makes MY brain hurt!

I look forward to learning from YOU!!


Mercredi profile image

Mercredi 5 years ago

Your not serious! Hell is a terrible place full of all kinds of agonizing torture. It's like a resort in Cuba. Instead of real Coca-Cola, they give you this cheap Mexican stuff. And the rum is watered down. And they put too much chlorine in the pool!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Mercredi- They water down the rum??? I may have to rethink this whole thing.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Yup,I can wait for good surprises!


bugslady8949 profile image

bugslady8949 5 years ago from The Bahamas

you did a great job on this hub, keep up the good work!!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- thank you for being such a patient and prolific stalker!

Bugslady- Thank you so much!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Sue - I am a loyal fan AND follower:) lol! I can't help it with the likes of you! Then there is your little bonus - Chelsea. I loved being entertained by you witty women:)!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- You are too kind. I know I don't deserve that kind of praise, but I'm grateful for it just the same. :O)

Thank you!!

P.S. The bonus I can understand! :O)


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Sue - I really meant it and so it is deserved. No if's, ands or butts:) lol!


bill yon profile image

bill yon 5 years ago from sourcewall

This was really funny thanx because I really needed this today!!!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- Thank you. :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Bill yon- Everyone needs to watch someone else seal their fate every now and then.

I seal mine twice a day. You're always welcome to come watch me crash and burn! :)

Thank you so much for stopping by. Thanks for saying it was funny too, that always makes my day!!


secularist10 profile image

secularist10 5 years ago from New York City

I'm glad there will be people as funny as you to keep me entertained in hell.

I think I heard of a Mexican church where they use tequila instead of wine. I can only imagine what those Russian orthodox services are like! SCORE!!

I'll see you in hell, sueroy...


ShortStory 5 years ago

Slightly overdone, but clever.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

secularist- Tequila instead of wine?? Point me in the general direction, I want to show my dedication!

Thank you for thinking I have a shot at keeping anyone entertained. That was so nice of you. I'd love to see you in hell, but a little birdie told me someone's already booked your passage elsewhere... I think it was the Bahamas.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

ShortStory- I'm so glad it was only "slightly overdone", I've been known to burn stuff!

Thank you so much for stopping by, and thank you for the "clever". I'm not all that bright, so a "clever" from someone is kind of a big deal!


Chouji-Von-Lycan profile image

Chouji-Von-Lycan 5 years ago

lmao, that was awesome, thank you for writing this :)


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

Hell, oops i meant well. You are a brave, or naive soul but i think the amount of comments means you will have a lot of company on the way down. You have to take risks with humour, it's part of the script. So well done for pulling it off in style.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Chouji-Von-Lycan- thank you for reading this and commenting. Thank you also for the follow!

I checked out your hubs and am following you as well... your avatar is intriguing!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Attempted(and always achieved)humor-Yes, a lot of people want to try out that vacation spot. I'm kind of excited! You should totally come, I think everyone we know is going to be there.. except secularist, he got a free ticket to where all the people in church were going, I'm trying to talk him into changing the destination, but no word as of yet!

"So well done for pulling it off in style"... I don't think I've ever had such a great compliment. Thank you!!


Pixienot profile image

Pixienot 5 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana

Laughing so hard! Kiddo you were so right, this was funny. This is a great hub! Your best ever! Proud of you!

I suggest you look more carefully at the trip to Hell. Might just be you want to take it at a later time. When the temp cools down. LOL LOL LOL

Voted up, awesome and funny!


James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 5 years ago from Chicago

Very funny. It helps to laugh at the human condition. We just can't be serious all the time. :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Pixienot- Thanks. I don't think I'll have to wait. There are a lot of things happening in the world right now that I've heard would only happen when hell froze over, so I'm thinking it must be pretty cool right now!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

James- It's true. There's so much yukky stuff out there, humor makes life (to me) a little more palatable.

Thank you for seeing the humor and laughing with me!!


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 4 years ago from Central Oklahoma

Bravo, Sue! Kelly Umphenour pimped this on Facebook, so here I am. ROTFLMAO!!!!! Can't imagine how I wasn't aware of this hub before now. I LOVE poking fun at the "fire and brimstone" crowd, as I'm sure that Jesus guy would too if he ever attended one of their services. They take themselves wayyyyyyyyyyy too seriously!

Voted up, awesome and funny (only because HP has never seen fit to have a "hysterical!" or "falling down laughing" category)! ;D


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 4 years ago from Indiana Author

Thank you so much! This was the most fun to write so far. I was a little worried at first about the feedback, but it seems as though I'm not the only one going to Hell. As a matter of fact, there's such a large group of us that we're getting discounted hotel pricing. I can hook you up if you like.


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 4 years ago from Central Oklahoma

Ours rooms will have A/C, right? lol!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 4 years ago from Indiana Author

LOL!I don't know, is it still Hell if it's cold?


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 4 years ago from Central Oklahoma

You must be from SOUTHERN Indiana, not from anywhere near the Michigan border...or Western Kansas. Seriously now, I don't go anywhere that's not cool enough at night to sleep all zipped up in my adult-size fuzzy, footed sleeper. ;D


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 4 years ago from Indiana Author

I lived in Caribou, Maine for a couple of years... you have a valid point. Hell CAN be cold! :)


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 4 years ago from Central Oklahoma

Sue, I was only kidding about the sleeper. Too hard to get out of when one has to pee! But I do have one particular blanket I'm really fond of and only put away in the hottest part of summer. ;D


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 4 years ago from Indiana Author

You're from the North and don't have the portable pee-bottle for zipper-sleeper? I'm shocked.


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 4 years ago from Central Oklahoma

The sleeper doesn't have a flap in the back, either. Drats! Shoulda known I was getting a raw deal when I called the number in the TV ad that said: "Call in the next 30 seconds and get another sleeper FREE!"... lol!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 4 years ago from Indiana Author

lol!

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