Inventions We Need

Throughout history, humans have invented machines to make their work easier and to allow them to accomplish more. Among the first simple machines were the lever, the inclined plane, and the wheel. Since then we have invented the air conditioner to keep us comfortable in the summer heat, the wide screen TV to keep us from getting bored, and the iPod to keep us from interacting with each other. One might think that our needs, at this point, are fully met, but the near future will bring new challenges. As world population continues to grow and the earth's resources are stretched beyond their limits, we will need to invent new technology to meet these challenges.

The Electronic Family

Overpopulation is the problem from which all other problems spring. There are just too damn many people, and new people are born every second. We know that people are too selfish and stupid to limit themselves to one baby and reduce the population by themselves. One of the strongest urges we experience in life is the urge to reproduce. However, babies are messy, expensive, and extremely demanding, and family life is stressful. What we need is a satisfying alternative.

Enter the electronic family, pre-programmed to satisfy your every need, both emotional and physical. As "the machines" determined in the movie, "The Matrix," however, perfection is not acceptable to humans. Therefore, your electronic wife will be nurturing, passionate, and sexy, and will spend too much money and wreck your car; your electronic husband will be a solid citizen, hardworking, compassionate, attentive and wise, and will insist on playing golf and/or poker once a week, will repeatedly invest in overseas enterprises in response to email solicitations, and be completely diverted by every female backside; and your electronic children will be adorable, bright, and incomparably talented but will lie constantly to get out of doing the things they should do, will shirk their basic hygiene, and will listen to not one word you say. In short, for a reasonable up-front investment you will have all the benefits of a 'real' family without housing, medical, dental, grocery, or clothing expenses.

The electronic family would benefit the entire world by helping to limit or even reverse population growth, because after a foretaste of what family life is really like, no sensible person will want to trade their electronic family that can be simply turned off for a spouse and children that can not be so easily gotten rid of for twenty, thirty, or even forty years.

Electronic psychiatrist sold separately.

Office Avatar

As the global economy becomes more and more competitive, workers will have to sacrifice benefits in order for companies to survive. One of the first benefits to suffer will be time off - vacation, sick leave, maternity leave, etc. Although you would not want to tell your boss this, there are many days when you would not have to attend work at all to do the mindless, repetitive things you have to do there. A machine could perform these tasks more efficiently than you do. That's where the Office Avatar (OA) comes in.

The OA would look, sound, act, smell, taste, and feel like you do, and would behave in the way you pre-program it to behave: focused, task-oriented, blah, blah, blah. It would know the answers to the same stupid questions you answer every day, and it would know who to consult when it does not know the answer. It would know who to brown-nose and who to back-stab, who to stroke and who to dis. It would perform all of the brain-numbing, soul-killing, dead boring stuff you do all day, and it would perform it with style, grace and a happy face. Meanwhile, you remain in touch with the OA by Blackberry or iPhone while you're at the gym, saloon or brothel, ready to handle the rare emergence of a question or task requiring creativity or intelligence. Should such a circumstance occur, an alert would sound on your hand held device, and you would stop whatever pleasure you are engaging in to instruct your OA on how to negotiate the problem. If you fail to respond, your OA is equipped with as formidable a barrage of delaying tactics as you are. Worst case, you come in the next day and clean up the mess.

A side benefit of the OA is that if one of your co-workers "goes postal," your OA will be there to take the bullet for you. Another benefit could be a raise in pay or even a promotion, based on the bland consistency of your work and attendance.

We look forward to a bright future of reduced stress and increased recreation. We can only hope that we will use our new-found free time to constructive advantage.

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Comments 23 comments

Elena. profile image

Elena. 8 years ago from Madrid

Hi Tom! I was chucling by the iPod assessment. Laugh! Good going, now are you gonna market these ideas? You may have something there!! :-)

countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

Tom- Well I saw in a movie or an ad about a Surgeon performing an operation enjoying the sunset at a beach by remotely directing a robot via satellite internet from his laptop. It seems we can have robots to do our jobs but the level of programming required to simulate us would be phenomenal to say the least. Thumbs up for a good thought provoking hub.

Storytellersrus profile image

Storytellersrus 8 years ago from Stepping past clutter

You are prolific! I finished rereading all the comments I made on your Hubs and was ready to start the morning by walking my dog, but I see that it is now noon, haha. And suddenly this HUB appears in my inbox! Woe and here I go into another one of your adventures in laughing. Thanks so much for bringing light into my gloomy basement. Perhaps the electronic husband should have a bit more of you wired in.

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States Author

Hi Elena, I am so happy my writing brought you enjoyment. Now all I need is someone with real brains to make these ideas reality!

Hi Countrywomen, I think it is only a matter of time!

Hi Story, I am very glad to have brought you enjoyment. I have my own faults as a husband - although I don't make investments overseas or play poker at least.

G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

Was for a good laugh alright...but I sure hope it never really happens... but then I never thought we would be doing a lot of things we are doing now...soo only time will tell...Nice job G-Ma :o) hugs & Peace

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States Author

I dunno, G-Ma. There's some people that should have families and there's some that shouldn't. I've wished sometimes I had a family in which I couldn't get it wrong, but then again, what fun would that be?

goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 8 years ago from Free and running....

You're a genius. I can't wait for that OA, sometimes I just sit at work doing nothing, and I could be screwing around somewhere else, like at the beach, out drinking beer , out a brothel, I mean there are endless possibilities.

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States Author

Yes, I was staring at the computer screen at work and taking yet another phone call about the difference between fail safe and fail secure when the idea hit me...

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C. C. Riter 8 years ago

It's a great idea! Let's do it Tom. Get it done hardware man. Great thinking.

LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

love you ipod definition! My mother's banned them in her house, for similar reasons.

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States Author

I'll see if I can get some backing, CC! If I see some I'll chase it...

Hi, LondonGirl! We try to limit our electronics in my house, too, but our kids are usually able to outsmart us. If only I could just click a mouse and...

SiddSingh profile image

SiddSingh 8 years ago

Hi Tom,

Great hub, especially the part about an office avatar. I guess I need one immediately!

Going on a slight tangent, there are already a couple of sites where you can construct a virtual 'you', in a virtual world where you can live in a virtual home and go to a virtual office and earn a virtual salary which you can spend on buying, what else, virtual stuff!

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States Author

Excellent to see you, SiddSingh. Yes, there is SecondLife for example:

I wanted to try it out but my machine does not have the graphics card to do it. Then I think - man, my family takes up almost all my free time, part of my work time, and most of my emotional currency. What do I need with a second life? Maybe a second life as a hermit...

Cris A profile image

Cris A 8 years ago from Manila, Philippines

The OA sounds perfect - it might actually help one get a raise! LOL Cool ideas Tom and funny too :D

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States Author

Hey Cris!

If it could show up every day, on time, with a great attitude, you betcha it could get you a raise!

Thank you

Storytellersrus profile image

Storytellersrus 8 years ago from Stepping past clutter

Tom I was thinking about your Hub this morning. I received a Nespresso coffee machine and then realized I have to purchase all my coffee from Nestles now, which limits my options. I was wishing someone else would create some new form of capsule to work in these machines- something more earth friendly. I guess the good news is that creating one cup of coffee at a time reduces waste and I don't feel guilty throwing out the rest of the pot.

Another invention I considered pursuing once is the creation of a book to store all those Christmas letters I have written over the ages. I would have a great family history by now, had I kept them over my 23 years of marriage. Too late, but it could work for new parents and I guess its never too late to begin as my own children create families...

All these ideas require resources of which I have little. But I do have ideas! Thanks for creating a space to share them.

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States Author

That reminds me - we have wanted to put all the love poems I have written for my wife into a book. I should get on that. Thanks!

Laughing Mom profile image

Laughing Mom 7 years ago

If one of your coworkers goes Postal, your OA will be there to take the bullet for you? Ha!!

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

You've gotta admit it's a great idea!

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Iphigenia 7 years ago

This is a fantastic idea - I came to it from your Excuses, Excuses hub BTW - must go back there. I love this - as I work for myself, by myslef, I could totally confuse myslef even more - I could be at a tea dance with gigolo and yet believe that I was working on the structure of the second half of the middle act of my screenplay.

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Ha Ha Ha! Perfect!

Artisan Walker profile image

Artisan Walker 7 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

I'm still waiting for the Electronic Love Slave, or the ELS.

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

I would think that is already in the design stage, Artisan!

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