It's a Knockout for Metal Fans!!! Who is the best Rock Band Ever?
It's a Knockout for Metal Fans!!! Who is the best Rock Band Ever?
Stuart Hall: And welcome to the final heat of "It's a Rockout" with me Stuart Hall and on the ground we've got Keith Chegwin and Rusty Lee.
Our last game is 'Castle Donington' with our 4 teams ; Iron Maiden , Bon Jovi , Aerosmith and ACDC who are ready to 'Storm the Castle' to prove who's the best Rock band ever. Team 'Guns n' Roses' may be disqualified as Axl Rose still hasn't turned up yet, so we might have to start without them.
But now! Our intrepid teams have got to get through our massive obstacle course in one piece and head for the castle.
And down below in the field legendary Heavy Rock journo Geoff Barton is chatting with Muzzlehead the almost-legendary growly singer with the Death Metal band 'Skull Frakture' as they prepare to watch the action unfold.
Geoff: "Hi there, 'Muzzlehead', how did you think the gig will go tonight?"
Muzzlehead : GGRRRWWYYYHHGGHHHOOO!!!"
Geoff: "Ah-ha, so no favourites out here in front of the Donington audience?"
Muzzlehead : AARRGHHYAAGGFFOOGLLL!!"
Geoff: "Well, I'm glad you think so, It's been good to see you back in the UK again"
Muzzlehead : NNNNGGRRRAARRAARRGHHI!!"
Geoff: "Sorry, No!! I don't know where the dealers are. But here, have a strepsil for now"
Stuart Hall: Thanks Geoff. But this year there have been lots of Classic Rock bands like ACDC, Van Halen, Aerosmith, Iron Maiden, Bon Jovi, Kiss and Deep Purple. Now we are at the finalists and we also have lots of surprise guest stars waiting for you.
SO! Keith blow that whistle.... and.......... they're off!!
First to arrive at the perimeter fence are the Aerosmith lads, Joey Kramer makes a diversionary run to distract the Security patrols while Joe Perry and Steven Tyler scale the fence. Tyler reaches down to lift ... but No!! he's pushed Perry back into the mud. What is he doing? He's off on his own.
But, Ha ha ha ha ha!! Angus Young is burrowing under the fence but now Hoooohh ho ho ho ho ho!!!, Nicko McBrain of Iron Maiden has stood on his back and cleared the wire.
Maiden are playing their Joker, and he's clear into the tented village, he's hopping through those guys ropes and tent pegs like a cat on a hot tin roof and he's..Haw haw haw haw.. he's fallen over. Now's he's back up and off and .... Hoo hoo hoo hoo ...he's fell over again , Aargh ha ha ha .... What's it like down there Keith?
Keith: Woooooo Haaaah haa haa haa haa!!!
Stuart: Thank you Keith Chegwin, it's a really exciting event Rusty isn't it?
Rusty: Aah wellll yooo aaah aaaah welllll
Stuart: Absolutely, and the action's hotting up. Nicko, Janick Gers, Jon Bon Jovi and Phil Rudd are now running from the screaming hysterical groupies .
Brian Johnson and Dave Murray are running them close with Angus Young and Steven Tyler not far behind, all trying to escape the girl's clutches for once in their lives.
They're all heading for the Portaloo doors, behind some of these are the prized toilet rolls they have to collect.
But not behind them all!!. Because if you pick the wrong door then you're in for a nasty surprise.
Dave Murray opens his ...... and throws up, Jon Bon Jovi has just fainted, God knows what was behind his door? Steven Tyler's gone inside his with one of the girls, I think I know what he's looking for. It's an early audition for 'American Idol'.
But Janick has found a roll and he's off and running through the Riot Police like a man possessed.
There's truncheons waving and shields clattering as the police wade in.... "War Pigs! War Pigs!" chant the crowd as events reach a fever pitch.
It looks like a full-scale riot has erupted and Axl Rose isn't even here. Just what is happening down there Rusty?
Rusty Lee: Woooooo Hooooo Hooooo AAAAAHHHH Haaaaaa Haaaaaaaaa Haaaaaaa!!!!
Stuart: Fantastic! Even the fans have joined in. Good shot young man! He's stamped his ticket for the Policeman's Ball but he'll be a heavily marked man by the defence after that frontal attack. It's all go I tell you. It's mad, it's bedlam!
And coming up the rear are Angus and Malcolm Young , but they're carrying one of the loos and using it as a battering ram, they smash right through the police cordon and Steven Tyler crashes out onto the ground in a very compromising position. But SHE certainly isn't compromising. Oooohh Matron!!!
Now there's a breach in the police lines and our plucky contestants race through to the Mosh Pit where the Welsh and Irish Rugby Union sides ...Aaaaah haa haaa haahaa ..give it their all.
There's mud everywhere ... Ooh hee hee hee! They're slipping and sliding all over the place.
But amidst the flailing arms and bone-crushing thuds our contestants have to pick up the bottles of urine and throw them at an actor in a giant Gerard Way costume on the stage in front...
......and Ritchie Sambora makes a direct hit!!
Keith: That was a real up and under!!
Stuart: Yes! A blast from the past from Keith there and well done Ritchie! What a fantastic shot!
But there's even more trouble on the sidelines, there's chaos, there's uproar. It's immediately back over to Keith by the trackside.
Keith: Well Stuart. Ooh ha ha ha! It seems the judges have had a disagreement over the ACDC team using a battering ram. They can't decide if that's a legal move or within the rules. So they're slogging it out now and the punches are flying. It's absolute mayhem down here!
Stuart:You bet it is, but meanwhile Sambora can now head for the last test at the Castle, to find the golden guitar and claim victory for the Bon Jovi team ..... and Steven Tyler's lost his clothes again.
Ha ha ha ha ha , Oh ho ho ho ho.... those Rugby Union lads are getting a bit rough. Maybe we should have booked the Scottish back line instead.
But Sambora arrives at the castle, where standing atop the ramparts is Ritchie Blackmore ready to pour vats of black gunge on the assailants to stop them climbing the castle walls ... Hee hee hee hee hee .
Ozzy Osbourne helps out with buckets of water and toy bats, these two really love this sort of thing although Blackmore's disappointed Deep Purple didn't qualify. He missed his chance.... Hoo hoo hoo hoo, haw haw haw!,
And Ted Nugent is there firing from a bow and arrow too. Don't worry viewers we managed to talk him into using rubber suckers on the tips. It's all happening here!
Sambora has to open one of 6 doors , and behind one is the golden guitar, but behind the others? YES! You've guessed it ... a nasty surprise. Sambora takes the plunge and opens door number 3 and..... OUT COMES A GIANT MARILYN MANSON!!!
Sambora runs for his life, Hargh hargh hargh hargh!! ........ meanwhile more contestants have bottled Gerard Way and have reached Castle Donington.....Steve Harris opens door number 5 and........... IT'S LORDI ...... Oh Ho Ho Ho Ho... One-time Eurovision Song Contest winners, they're here tonight to foil our plucky contenders and scare the living hell out of everyone.
And Harris scarpers from these masked demons from Finland who are brandishing cymbal stands, hatchets and reinforced bass guitars ..... but wait!!
YES! YES! ....It's Nicko McBrain , he's opened door number 2 and found the golden guitar.
Well done the Irons skinsman!!!
He's climbing the walls of the castle, Ritchie and Ozzy shower him with water and buckets of gunk. They've even thrown the buckets.
Ted tries to take him out but the rest of the Maiden lads give covering fire from below , Nugent is showered with mud, bottles, toilet rolls, knickers and police standard issue ... Aaah ha ha ha, hee hee hee, he takes cover and.....and.....and.....and....
YES! Nicko gets to the top!!! He's won! He's won! We have a winner!!!
Well done Nicko! Well done! he's won it for the Iron Maiden...Well done Nicko , the crowd go wild and he hands the golden guitar to Brian May who plays out with the finale of the National Anthem of "We Are The Champions"
What a performance!
What an event!
What a night. You can't beat a great festival finale.
And there's more fun to come as we've just heard that Axl Rose has woke up, trashed his caravan and demanded a re-start. The police are calling in re-inforcements and the fans are going wild. It's a ROCKOUT!!!
And I'll have to go now folks, a couple of gentlemen from the C.I.D have just arrived in the commentary box. I wonder what they want?
Nicko McBrain the worthy winner of our contest
Getcha Rocks Off with these links
- The Invasion of the Tribute Bands
A slightly tongue-in-cheek meander through the modern sensation. Once upon a time there was a far off distant band, one amongst many that I would go along to watch at my local bar or nightclub. I used to love going to see local gigs.
- Heavy Metal Legends : Interview with Eddie of Iron Maiden
Interview with Eddie of Iron Maiden. Probably the most photographed star in the music business who has never lost his looks, although that's not saying much. He is the face that launched a thousand glitter patches and a million childhood nightmares.
- You Can't Count Rock n' Roll
Five to one, baby, One in five ,No one here gets out alive, now, You get yours, baby , Ill get mine, Gonna make it, baby, If we try. Fine words from Jim Morrison, but a pity he couldn't do his sums.
- Heavy Metal Legends : Interview With Ted Nugent
"Invariably known as 'The Nuge!', the highly acclaimed 'Motor City Madman', 'Uncle Ted', the Heavy Metal Duke of Rock n' Roll. A John Wayne on guitar and the only man who could introduce the verb "to Nagasaki" into the English language.
What's your favourite moment (if any) from 'It's a Knockout'?
Here's one of my favourites, The Frankenstein Chase
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