Jake The Bachelor ep. 5

The. Least. Dramatic. Episode. Ever.

The gang headed north to San Francisco, which is the current residence of Ali (in case you missed that the million times she point it out).  When Tenley got her date card with the clever phrase, “get their love on track” Ali offered her vast SF wisdom to explain that they would probably be taking the trolley.  Anyone who has ever seen a Rice-a-Roni commercial is aware of the trolley system in ol’ San Fran.  Get over yourself, ya wannabe tour guide.

Tenley is a little bit too Disney princess for my taste.  Everything is so “exciting” and she basically giggled her way through their date.  It was like the streets of Chinatown had been blasted with laughing gas.  She’s a sweet girl, but not everything is butterflies and ponies all the time. Her favorite words are “love” and “heart.”  Is she a 4-year old girl playing in fields of daisies? 

Jake made the statement that Tenley is the girl he pictures most as his wife.  That’ll be awkward if he doesn’t pick her.  They had a “serious” discussion about Jake’s expectations of marriage, and of course, Tenley giggled and declared everything perfect.  It seems like Tenley is in love with the idea of love and marriage, and maybe she’s fallen for the “on paper” Jake, not the actual bore-fest of a man that he is.   Then again, he might just be perfect for her, since he described their kisses as “magical.”  Doesn’t get more Disney than that.  

I dug the fact that Tenley brought up the pilots-are-cheaters stereotype.  He didn’t really address the larger reputation, he just said “that’s not me.”  I don’t think he has the social skillz to be a womanizer.  Side note:  I hate men in turtlenecks.

Corrie, on the other hand, was a sneaky little wench when she <falsely> announced that Ali and Vienna would be going on a date.  Way to stir the pot!  Luckily, for the safety of all those involved, it turned out that it was Gia and Vienna going on the two-on-one instead. 

Ali talks a big game about being upfront with people.  She demanded that if Vienna had something to say about her, that she say it to her face.  Hey Ali, play by your own rules.  Ali also said that it wasn’t “personal” that she was upset when Vienna got a rose.  Oh yeah, that’s allll business.  Her only justification for why Vienna isn’t right for Jake is that she talks smack about other people.   I don’t think any woman is right for Jake, by that criteria (and not many gay men either).

I’m not defending Vienna in any way.  I think if Ali was going to make an argument why Vienna is wrong for J-Masterflex, that she should have pointed out that she’s a self-centered, spoiled brat who does not play well with others.

The producers punked out on potential drama by sending Gia, the only person who can stand Vienna, on the double date.  This was Gia’s second vineyard date, like she can’t handle any other kind.  Vienna thought it was really sweet that “Jake” sent over a big trunk of clothes.  It didn’t even look like they wore anything from the box, probably because it was just a bunch of unspectacular shirts and scarves.

Vienna has an odd sense of royalty, “I’m my dad’s princess, Jake’s queen, and he’s my prince charming.”  What?  All I hear is “I’m dumb, I’m dumb, I’m dumb.”  The most awkward moment during dinner came courtesy of Vienna, when she started crying over Ali being a not-nice girl, while Gia sat back and downed a bottle of wine.  Crying is a cheap tactic to get attention, and it didn’t really work out for her, since Jake grabbed Gia for alone time before Vienna’s fake tears had the chance to dry.

Gia showed her insecure side, and man was it ridiculous.   She was concerned because Jake allows all the girls to put their legs on his lap while they talk.  She thought that was something special they shared.   That’s like saying she’s disappointed to hear that Jake ate food on his dates with other girls.  Is nothing sacred when dating 20+ women?  The creepy part to me was Gia had her fingers all in her mouth during this conversation, then pulled them out in time for a kiss.  That’s not sanitary, especially when she had a band aid on one of her fingers.  Yuck.

In typical slimy Vienna fashion, she tried breaking up Gia’s solo time by getting lost in the castle and playing the damsel in distress card.  Once again, she failed to make herself stand out.  When Jake hugged each of them at the end of the date, he definitely lingered on Gia much longer. 

Vienna’s expectations of marriage are embarrassing.  She wants it to be all playgrounds and boat rides. Sorry sister, but you’re barking up the wrong tree, this one is all snores.  Then, she “snuck out” of the bedroom she shared with Gia to try to convince Jake to let her stay with him.  That wasn’t gonna happen.  He looked really uncomfortable, but not as much as I imagine I did when Jake said “I assure you, I had dirty thoughts.”  What a square.  At least he was respectful enough to Gia to send Vienna back to their bedroom.

Speaking of awkward, Corrie finally got a one-on-one date with Jake and every bit of it felt like a first date.  The boat ride in the park went from romantic to cringe-worthy when their faces were 2 inches away from each other and no kiss followed.    Instead, they got distracted by ducks.  Not a good sign.  Later, he asked her much more serious questions than he’d asked the others.  He wanted to know if she’d move to Texas and if she’d live with him.  That’s a pretty heavy conversation for a “first” date.  He made a bold jump from her rejecting living-in-sin to the question “are you saving yourself for marriage?”  His eyes lit up for the first time on that date when she said yes.  That confession could have been her ace in the hole (not literally) if they had gone on a date earlier.  Like Marlon Brando, she coulda been a contender!

Did ya notice that Ali was excited about going on a date in San Francisco?  She was talking like Jake was going to fall in love with the city and move there immediately.  That will be an interesting conversation later.  How disgusting was it when he asked her what her favorite flower was and she answered, “You’re my big flower, you’re my favorite.”  That doesn’t even make sense, dingbat.  Ali claims she doesn’t want to jump into anything, yet she signed up for a show that encourages its contestants to become engaged to strangers.  Interesting.

Once Jake pushed Ali to talk about Vienna, she backed down.  She doesn’t want to show that side of her personality to him because it’s unattractive.  Whatever happened to that “chat” she was going to have with him after the last rose ceremony?   Big talker.  I’m not so sure that she’s ready to move past their little rivalry, she’s just trying to look like the bigger man in front of Jake.  Once again, it seems like she’s doing exactly what she accuses Vienna of doing.  Blah, I’m over it.

Rose Ceremony

What was up with Vienna’s hair?  She looked 75 years old!  She couldn’t keep her dress up, either.  What a mess.  Tenley had a mini meltdown, even though she and Jake practiced their wedding dancing.  Something tells me that Jake’s mom taught him how to dance.  Gia’s mouth has really been getting on my nerves --because I’m shallow.  Her upper lip looks like the animated Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland.  Yikes.  At least the whole world got to learn that Corrie’s in touch with her sensual side.  That’s useful information.   As Jake said, “It’s not about sex appeal, it’s about heart appeal.”  Vomit.

Jake cried as he gave sweet, innocent Corrie the boot.  I guess he didn’t want to be in touch with her sensual side.  It wasn’t a surprise, since he hadn’t given her the time of day before this episode.  Poor girl aired out all her bidness (and her terrible grammar) and then got sent packin’.  Just ain’t right.   

Frontrunners

Tenley (doesn’t she reveal she’s pregnant at some point?)

Ali (if she doesn’t mess it up next episode)

Skank of the Day Award

Vienna for her sad attempt at late-night seduction.

Roses

Tenley

Ali

Gia

Vienna

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Comments 4 comments

Katie 6 years ago

My problem with Gia is that she looks like Octomom and talks like her too. It's like she's had collegen and she's talking around her upper lip.

Related, I loathe men in turtle necks. I practically shrieked when I saw how long it made his neck look. It's my man thigh (sorry, I had to say it to make my point).

Great post!! You are the reason I watch this crap.


Megavitamin profile image

Megavitamin 6 years ago Author

Nice connection between Gia and Octomom. I just know something ain't right.

Man thigh = vomit


theherbivorehippi profile image

theherbivorehippi 6 years ago from Holly, MI

How did I not notice Gia's band aid and sucking on her fingers?? Now I'm going to have to look this up online to see! lol I hate when I blink and I miss someone being even more stupid then someone else! I think I would like to go on this show just for the humor and be the only girl not crying and getting jealous....um, hello, you signed up to date a guy that's dating other girls! Where in the world do you think it's ok to act like a psychotic jealous girlfriend or get mad at other girl's in the house?? I am so enjoying your Hubs! :)


Megavitamin profile image

Megavitamin 6 years ago Author

It was pretty disgusting. I was hoping Joel would talk about it on "The Soup" but I guess I was the only one who noticed it!

The way those girls act wouldn't be OK in a normal one-on-one relationship, let alone when you essentially sign up to date a polygamist! Freaks.

I'm glad you're enjoying the hubs :0)

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