Jake The Bachelor ep. 6

In usual Gia form, she monkey jumped on Jake when he arrived in New York City.  She decided the best way to see the Big Apple was by boat.  I’m shocked he didn’t get sea-sick, the little bitch.  They had a lovely little photo shoot, but what happens to those pictures when he doesn’t pick her in the end?  Jake is forever talking about how attracted he is to her inner and outer beauty, and his “burning desire to get to know her heart”…through his pants. 

At dinner, we’re introduced to Gia’s mother, Donna, who appears to have borrowed one of Gia’s dresses (I’m not judging, she pulled the look off).  I found it interesting that Jake didn’t get to see where Gia lives or grew up, since they met in a restaurant (how very NY of them).   Gia’s mom was an interesting character.  She worries about Gia out in the big city all by herself, even though she’s spent her entire life there.  Her whole family seemed impressed by Jake’s declarations about his feelings, except her stepbrother, Erick.   I liked how Erick was suspiciously eyeballin’ Jake and threatened to break his legs if he hurts Gia.  I believed him--much respect, man.  Maybe he noticed that all of Jake’s answers were very generic.  The reason he likes Gia is that she’s “different from the others.”  He didn’t really specify how—ummm, she’s a brunette?

We learned that Gia not only needs reassurance from Jake, but also from Donna.  They probably talk on the phone everyday because G requires daily pep talks.  Donna claimed she saw love in Jake’s eyes, but she might have just been under the spell of his boyish good looks.  Women seem to become so enraptured by his face that they don’t recognize the blandness coming out of his mouth.

Jake told Ali that she is ahead of the pack because she basically got two hometown dates, one in San Francisco and the other in Williamstown, Massachusetts. She didn’t seem to have much of a plan for the beginning of this date, unless she considers sitting on a bench a rousing good time. Ali had hoped some leaves would be falling from the trees so they could catch them and make some wishes (a superstition I’ve never heard of), but when that fell through, Jake-the-hero shook the tree for her. I don’t think cheating makes wishes come true, mister.

Ali took Jake to her recently-deceased grandmother’s house. I’m hoping Ali’s family still owns it, or else they were trespassing, with a camera crew no less. According to Ali, the spirit of her grandmother gave them her blessing…which makes the rest of this episode very interesting.

Speaking of blessings, Ali’s mom gave hers if Jake chooses to “beg” for Ali’s hand in marriage. Jake did not ask Gia’s mom anything about marriage. It’s intriguing that both mothers used their “intuition” and came to the same conclusion: Jake will choose their daughter. Somebody’s wrong!

This date ended with Ali telling Jake that if he asked her to marry him today, she would say yes. Of course, this was followed by a dramatic makeout session with ridiculous background music, and then Ali cried as Jake drove away. Whenever they set these things up as sooooo perfect, you know poop is gonna start falling from the sky.

Lucky for Jake, he got his third straight run-and-hug.  In typical Tenley fashion, she was extremely optimistic and believed everyone was instantly going to love each other.  Jake and Tenley’s conversations are pretty predictable.  She sets him up so he knows exactly what she wants to hear.  He uses her words from the question to form the “perfect” answer.  I bet he did well on writing tests in high school. 

Tenley took Jake to her dance studio, to show him the “dance of her heart.”  She talked a lot about her ex-husband and all the crap he never did for her during this date.  I thought it was awkward when Jake sat alone and watched Tenley twirl around (sure, she’s a great dancer, but the situation is weird to me).  Tenley said she him her “gift” which reminded me of Monica on Friends always trying to give away her “flower.”  That’s another episode, though.  Tenley just wants someone to dance away the years with.   Be careful what you wish for, that’s how Britney Spears ended up marrying Kevin Federline, and we all know how that turned out.    

They went to meet her family, and Tenley’s mom looks like she’s 25 (not in the same way that Gia’s mom had obviously gone shopping in her daughter’s closet).  A lot of comments were made that raised some questions about Tenley’s divorce timeline.  The last time Tenley saw her mother was when she told her that her husband was not coming home ever again.  Does she never see her family, or was that really recently?

Jake finally got to have his first one-on-one with a father, and Tenley’s dad wasn’t exactly the type to start cleaning his shotgun.  Instead, he and Jake took some time to cry together, in an ever-so-manly way.  I guess Jake would fit into this family, with all his bawling.  Jake followed this by making Tenley’s mom sob.  Do these people have overactive tear ducts or what?  Jake finished the night by talking to pops again and asking for permission to marry Tenley, followed by another bucket of tears.  Get a grip!

Jake was treated to his second boat date of the week courtesy of Vienna.  She seemed a lot more impressed by the wildlife in the Florida swamp than he did.  Vienna and her dad cried as soon as she entered her parents’ house, and Jake reached new levels of awkward when left alone with papa dukes.  Vienna’s dad is a nice guy who doesn’t realize that his daughter is a total brat.  Poor guy.  Vienna wears a promise-not-to-elope-again ring from her father.  Awww, how sweet.  Her family enlightened Jake that Vienna’s always had problems with other girls, which concerns me that they haven’t caught on that it just might be Vienna’s fault.   Other than that, nothing new was revealed during this hometown date.   

It’s never a good thing when the bachelor or bachelorette is hanging out in his/her hotel room, and there’s a mysterious knock on the door.  In this case, it was Ali coming to replay Ed’s script from last season.  She had to choose between her job and Jake—his job, on the other hand, has had no issues giving him months off at a time.  Is that a commentary on the state of commercial airlines?  Ali was much more dramatic with the tears and sitting in the hallway than Ed was.  I don’t know what she expected, obviously, Jake can’t send all the other girls home and guarantee Ali the ring in the end.  Hello, the production company has already paid for their plane tickets to St. Lucia.  Think of the budget, lady!         

Ali spent a lot of the time crying and waiting for someone else to make the decision for her before packing her bags and heading back to her job.  Where was Ali’s mom’s intuition when Ali was asking her for advice?  She told her that she’d be ok no matter what (she may be living in her mother’s basement, but she’d be ok).  The only comfort Jake could offer was to say, “I love the fact that I’m falling in love with you.”  Helpful.  As if all the whining wasn’t bad enough, her dignity was further compromised by her dress sneaking up and her almost flashing her goodies to the entire country.   She finally declared “I love you, but I have to go” and scooted away. 

Luckily, Jake found a railing to cry over.  Seriously, recycle much?

Personally, I wouldn’t feel comfortable receiving a rose at this point just because someone decided to peace-out early.  I’m sure Gia’s insecurities started an internal bonfire in her brain over who would have gone home if Ali hadn’t thrown in the towel.  I’m glad there are no internal monologues on reality TV.

In the preview for next week, Ali calls Jake to admit her mistake—déjà vu anyone?

 Tenley

Ali for being extremely indecisive and second-guessing herself the second she got into the limo.  Man up!

All the clowns who stuck around…

Tenley

Gia

Vienna