Jake the Bachelor: After the Final Rose

Poor Tenley had to re-watch her relationship’s demise with cameras in her face.  Reopen the wound and rub some vinegar in it, why don’t ya?  She was uncomfortably bouncing in her seat while talking about getting the boot and facing Jake for the first time since St. Lucia.  I hate when Chris Harrison grills the reject about what went wrong, like she’s gonna know what was going on in Jake’s pea brain.  Ask him!  By the way, I imagine Jake’s brain to be as exciting as CSPAN at 3 AM.

In other exciting news, Jake will be on Dancing with the Stars.  God help us all.

Tenley finally got her opportunity to ask Jake what went wrong, and the conversation went nowhere.   His explanation about the missing “magical spark” didn’t make any sense, instead he decided the best way to answer anything was to repeat the phrase over and over again.  Chris Harrison attempted a different approach by rewording Tenley’s question of “what was the physical chemistry conversation about” to “what happened on the boat.” Unfortunately, Jake still couldn’t answer it in a way that was comprehendible to a normal human being. 

Tenley asked the question that needs to be asked of all bachelors and bachelorettes who “win” this show.  Did Jake feel guilty for having such strong feelings for Tenley and then turning around and getting engaged immediately before the tears dry from their breakup?  This is especially a good question since he claims his “heart still hurts” for Tenley.  She seemed comforted that she has a “life friend” in him; I see plenty of Boggle in their future!  Jake looked like a vampire in all black and without the St. Lucian tan.  Was that just my HD TV?  I’m such an elitist.

Jake described his fairytale life with Vienna as full of “heat.”  Sounds dirty.  He also explained that his past failed relationships were “intense” for like a year and then burned out.  Hmmm, potential for a little history repeating perhaps?

Chris Harrison made fun of Jake for his “Mesnick Moments”--crying over balconies like little bitches.  I think Jake took that crown a lonnnnng time ago.  It was cute that Chris was really excited to announce the couple “For the first time in public” like he had just married them.  I think he <secretly> takes a lot of credit for the couples who work out. 

On a side note, Vienna’s hair looked awful.  However, it was comforting to know that she’s still watching the imaginary gnomes dance around other people’s heads.    

Chris asked if Jake was nervous about proposing and he said “I’ve never been engaged.”  I found that a bit inappropriate since homegirl sitting next to him is on her THIRD ride on that merry-go-round.

As far as their future plans, Vienna’s moving to Dallas ASAP, but no wedding date is set.  Vienna is looking forward to some “normalcy”--like she’s one of those Jolie-Pitt kids who can’t catch a break from cameras.  Ha!  Chris Harrison was seriously super-excited for them, and announced that ABC is sending the couple back to St. Lucia so Vienna can see what the two other girls’ fantasy suites looked like.  That’s a creepy thought.  Jeffrey Osborne showed up to sing “On the Wings of Love” which was an appropriate way to end the CHEESIEST. SEASON. EVER.

Can I point out how all these women are really into one-shoulder dresses?  Speaking of…Ali is going to be the next Bachelorette.  This begs the question, how is she going to get time off from work for that?  More importantly, are there enough yellow dresses in the world for an entire season?

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Comments 2 comments

Kat 6 years ago

Cheesy is a great metaphor for Jake and Vienna! I feel like vomiting when I see Vienna's face or when she opens her mouth! I thought about the same thing, how is Ali going to be able to miss all that work?


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Megavitamin 6 years ago Author

Thanks for the comment, Kat! I just read somewhere that Ali quit her job to be on The Bachelorette. She gets paid for being on the show, so I guess that's how she'll pay her bills!

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