Jake the Bachelor: The Women Tell All

Tell It, Sisters

Unfortunately, these Tell-All episodes aren’t enough of a Jerry Springer-style chair-throwing competition (these girls need to watch more VH1 to know what a real reunion looks like) for my taste.  Even worse, the producers puff up the two-hours with random recaps, charity updates, and past rejects on a wannabe spring break. 

I’m waiting for those losers-from-all-seasons Vegas getaways to be turned into an 8-episode miniseries.  You know there’s plenty of hot tub action and shirtless men flexing.  Sounds like a recipe for ratings!  It looks like one big sloppy train wreck, which is a pretty darn good reason to watch if you ask me.  On a side note, Gwen from Aaron’s season should probably explore other options; she’s a little old for singles’ weekend. 

Wes boasted about his “America’s Favorite Villain” award.  I wonder if he keeps it next to his gold record from Chihuahua Mexico.  What a classy dude.

I was extremely impressed that British Matt, Charlie O’Connell and DeAnna all showed up to participate in the charity work, not just the unemployed rejects that no one recognizes.  The group painted a mural with some kids for some reason or another.  Everyone got a nice fuzzy feeling, especially Michael from Jillian’s season.  He’s an adorable kid.  I’m not at all demeaning The Bachelor’s charity work.  It’s nice to see narcissistic reality “stars” doing some good.  The show also donated to the Red Cross Relief Fund for Haiti and gave their leftover office supplies to a school in St. Lucia.  Applause all around.

After all this fluff, they finally got back to Jake’s ladiez whining about each other.  Unfortunately, there were plenty of flashbacks to all the annoying moments of the season.  It reminded me how glad I was when Nanny Elizabeth and her ridiculous no-kissing game got the boot.  What a pain that girl was.

Let’s be serious, I watched this reunion for Lunatic Michelle and Roaming Rozlyn (to be addressed separately).

First, they took a moment to discuss the two women unable to attend:  Tenley and Vienna.  There was a montage of quotes about each of the girls.  Most of the women in the house thought Tenley fell out of a Disney movie (just like me!).  Gia very accurately described her as “shitting rainbows.”  Vienna speculated that Tenley probably dreams in cartoons.  If that’s the worst anyone can say about you, I think you’re doing alright.  Meanwhile, the various comments about Vienna weren’t so nice.  Some things were said to her face--hello, Ali--and others were not.   I wish Vienna could have been there so the real claws could have come out.  It would have been fun to watch the playback while the girls squirmed in their chairs.

Gia

It’s like someone at the show reads my blog and wanted to rebroadcast Gia’s infamous band aid scene.  I was equally as grossed out the second time around.  Gia was a bottle of regret for not telling Jake that she was in love with him.  She declared that she wanted to be more aggressive and lay everything out on the table on her future first dates like Michelle.  For even suggesting this, she received the stank eye from the psycho.  Sadly, Gia actually meant it in a good way, but then Chris Harrison joined in and made it sound like Gia was calling Michelle a loony toon.  Would anyone really fault her for that?  Seems like an honest observation.

Michelle

How does Michelle watch her montage of lunacy and not immediately commit herself to a mental hospital?  Her forced kiss with Jake made me cringe again. She wasn’t exactly articulate when explaining why she was/was not surprised she got sent home.  Her answer was all over the place, and Chris Harrison seemed mildly annoyed with her.  Maybe he was just being defensive in case she decided to bust out any of her crazy moves.   Michelle looked at the show as a “process” and, in life, she wants to skip dating all together and just get married before anyone is the wiser about her instability.  Any takers?  Didn’t think so.  She had a great time on the show, as anyone with that many voices in her head would.  Ali was extremely offended that Michelle suggested that you can’t find love on this show, which I saw as Ali pitching herself as the next Bachelorette—hey, a girl’s gotta campaign!

Ali

Ali was immediately asked about the day she chose work over love.  She apparently convinced herself that she and Jake were in love enough and he’d come find her after the show.  Did she forget that he gets a bunch of free stuff by choosing one of the girls who stuck around?  Obviously, the show did matter to him and she lost out.  Ali was disappointed in her mean-girl behavior, which I found refreshing.  Although, when Ali was apologizing to the absent Vienna, I imagined V screaming “you lying bitch” at her TV.  From now on, Ali will choose love over work and then beg like hell for the job back.  Hope she dates rich guys from now on.

Jake Comes Out and People Cry

Jake is very happy with the choices he made over the course of the show, but he told Gia that his “heart was crying” when he let her go.  He also choked up while talking about Ali.  I get that he’s an over-sensitive wuss, but I don’t think I’d like all that emotion over other women if I was the one he picked in the end.  Let ‘em go.  It was unexpected that he said Christina was the one he let go too early.  She had only showed him her serious side, but was very fun-loving while hanging with the ladiez.  She cried upon hearing this, but she probably wouldn’t have won anyway even if she had stayed.   Not to be a Negative Nancy or anything.

My favorite part of this episode (maybe of the entire season) was the blooper reel.  It showed that these girls aren’t perfect mannequins with built-in computer chips that make them spew romance.  Plus, it actually looked like Jake had a personality after all!  He made some non-corny jokes and was a lot less uptight in general.   My favorite part was when Jake didn’t know the difference between self-deprecating and self-defecating.  That’s a romantic note to end on.

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