Jake the Bachelor ep. 3

If That’s The Kind of Girl You Like, Then You Won’t Like Me

Ok, did I miss something?  I knew that Nanny and Vienna had some beef, but I didn’t realize everybody hated Vienna.  There’s one girl every season that is made out to be the villain, but usually there’s some sort of bitchy behavior attached.  It appears Vienna’s main fault is talking too much, but the rest of them make her out to be a puppy murderer.  Michelle is concerned about what really matters in life as evident by her statement, “I see myself as attractive on the outside, and Vienna is the opposite.”  Nice sugarcoating.  If I heard, “If Jake is into girls like Vienna, then there’s no way he’d be into me” one more time I was going to vomit.  Get over yourselves.    

Jake says “I’ve never dated anyone like her before” about EVERYONE.  Has he ever been on a date or was Jillian his first?  Speaking of his losery qualities, Jake-the-pilot is afraid of heights.  Seriously?  He was shaking in his boots on the helicopter ride because he knew that bungee jumping was next.  Why would he agree to such a date if he was gonna be such a sissy about it?  He wanted to make sure that anyone who dates him knows what a wuss he is?  Plus, Vienna is terrified of heights so how is that “perfect”?  Someone’s got to be the man here!  That’s like planning a great steak dinner for two vegetarians.  How is that fun? 

Lucky for Jake, Vienna manned-up and basically forced him off the ledge.  As they fell, Jake immediately grabbed on to her, as she let one arm swing above her head.  I guess that proves who has the bigger pair between these two.  Now, I’m not judging people who are afraid of heights.  I’m judging Jake for letting the producers make him look like a little bitch on national TV by selecting a date that he almost couldn’t handle.

The good news about this episode is that it had two helicopter rides and a hot tub scene.   That’s The Bachelor we all know and love!  It seemed like Jake and Vienna didn’t have much to talk about beyond the bungee jump, except that they’re both looking for their “best friends.”  Yawn…heard that one before!  There is a big gap between the ages 23 and 31, and her age was blaring when she said “I’m on cloud Jake.”  Was that supposed to be clever?

Jon Lovitz

The Appearance of Jon Lovitz

How random was it that Jon Lovitz guest-starred on an episode of The Bachelor?  I love Jon, but who on earth did he owe this kind of favor to?  Poor guy was stuck trying to teach comedy to a bunch of clueless women just trying to hook a man. 

Ali, in her cute little way, told a Tigger joke.  The girl is simply adorable, even if the punch line was actually about poop.  Tenley apparently got confused and thought this was a general talent show, and opted to show off her human pretzel.  Ok.  Nanny Elizabeth went straight for the Rated-R humor, while Kathryn skipped the jokes completely and trapped Jake into kissing her. 

Then there was Michelle…nobody knew what that girl was talking about, but they knew it was dirty.  Talk about uncomfortable silence!  I was cringing while she made some coconut-butt joke, followed by an inappropriate golf/hole-in-one-on-one joke that was graphically nonsensical.  The sound of crickets would have been a blessing for her, but instead she got booed.  Even Jon Lovitz, an outspoken pervert, was awkward at the mic after her performance.    

Corrie decided that roasting all her fellow bachelorettes was the way to go.  It was lighthearted until she started attacking Vienna.  That was messed up because she wasn’t there to defend herself, or laugh along.  Her act went from funny to catty.  Also, it seemed like that act would have been funnier if the audience was only the other bachelorettes.  The strangers in the audience were on the outside of most of those inside jokes.

Ashleigh was annoying the entire day with her tears and whining.  Nothing she was crying about made any sense, but it seems like there’s a crier on every group date.  She should have taken note from the week before when Crazy Christina turned on the waterworks at the photo shoot and was swiftly shown the door.  Alas, when Ashleigh finally got on stage, she did a good job with her blonde jokes.  What a brat.

At the after-party, Tenley confessed to having been married before, which was a good move because Jake loves a sad story.  Ashleigh, on the other hand, used her one-on-one time to discuss Vienna.  What good does that do anyone?  Ali at least talked about other stuff before trashing Vienna in her final 30 seconds of alone time.

And Then There’s Michelle

I think Nanny Elizabeth said it best, “Michelle doesn’t need a husband, she needs a therapist.”  Michelle refused to toast with the other girls because she felt it was an act of desperation.  Way to take the high road…?  Jake was extremely uncomfortable during their alone time, and really didn’t want to kiss her.  He was probably afraid she’d shank him if he said no.  Lord knows what that girl’s got hiding behind her back.  When they did kiss, it looked like she was trying to swallow his lips.  Ick. 

Jake was visibly annoyed with her crazy talk, and yet she tried to pull an ultimatum on him.   He finally called her bluff.  If a girl is gonna try to go home more than once, there’s no need to beg her to stay.  Especially when her mental instability is a threat to everyone.  Besides, it was a stupid move on her part to push him when he’s already had a crappy couple of days.  Poor strategy led to her dismissal before the date was even over.  There’s no need to wait for a rose ceremony when he can just send ya home in a cab now!  See ya, lunatic.

Shamu

Ella & Shamu

Ella did spirit fingers when she found out she was going on the second solo date of the week.  She lost a lot of points with that move.  The producers love to “surprise” single parents with visits from their kids.  The jacked up part about it, I assume, is that they don’t ask if it’s ok or if it’s too early to introduce the child to a potential step-parent.  I hope something’s going on behind-the-scenes that we don’t know about.

Anyway, Jake got along well with the kid because they’re both into “aviation” otherwise, they wouldn’t have spoken the entire time.  Any time I try to like Ella she says something like “Trista and Ryan are my ideal vision.”  You want to be a spotlight-hoarding couple?  Yikes.    

Peace Out Nanny

Nanny E tried one last attempt at luring Jake in with her kiss/no kiss bologna.  Once again, Jakey was fed up with all the crap this week and wasn’t having it at all.  She is the queen of mixed signals and plays a lot of games.  That’s not the way to rope yourself a simple man like Jake.  Her shock over being called a tease was total crap.  Then, she gave a tear-filled rant about how she’s not “vanilla” and how lots of men want her.  Excuse me sweetheart, but your insecurity is showing and it’s not pretty.  Nobody likes an I’m-too-hot-for-this-crap speech when you’re the one in the wrong.  Oh, how the mighty fall.  Nanny went from frontrunner to being shown the front door.

Vienna should not have broken up Nanny and Jake’s one-on-one time.  Ladiez with roses just need to stand back and have some cocktails.  On a side note, I totally forgot Valisha’s name until her exit interview.  Guess I won’t be missing her.      

Skank of the Day Award

Michelle for her inappropriate (and confusing) hole in one-on-one joke, and her graphic description of her first-kiss fantasy.  Pulling hair and ripping clothes?  Classy.

Frontrunners

Ali

Tenley

Ella

Roses

Vienna

Ella

Gia

Corrie

Tenley

Ali

Jessie

Kathryn

Ashleigh

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