Jake the Bachelor ep. 4

Jake Cleans House

EVERYTHING is about to change--such ominous words, especially when coming from Mr. Chris Harrison.  They were forced to leave the house forever… they got evicted for breaking the brothel laws in California (ha! As if Cali would outlaw such a funhouse).

After learning they’d be hitting the road, Ella was the victim of bad force-fed line, “I’m ready to get my relationship with Jake rolling down the highway of love.”  Blech.

Jake is gonna ride his bike up the entire California coast?  That can’t be good for his balls.  Yeah, I said it.

Ali was talking mad crap in the RV that if she and Vienna were on a two-on-one, she’d be the one to come back.   Don’t count your chickens, honey.

Gia’s Confession: I Was a Nerd

Gia was “ecstatic-ed” (is that like being electrocuted?) about her one-on-one date.   According to Vienna, Southern boys are incompatible with NY girls.  I have never found that to be true.  Now, when Gia showed up to her “outdoors” date in stilettos, the potential for problems rose.  However, she wasn’t afraid to kick them off for a little impromptu game of hide-and-seek.    

Jake carried Gia through the vineyard like a monkey clinging to him for dear life, and he said it felt like the beginning of a fairy tale.  What were his parents reading to him as a child?   This animal-like behavior worked on British Matt, the bachelor a few seasons ago, so ya never know.

In a Mr. Sensitivity moment laughed at Gia for being picked on in her childhood days.   Then he told her that he was “Mr. Dateless” in 9th grade.  Who goes on dates in 9th grade?  Your parents driving you and some other sweaty-palmed 14-year old to the movies counts as a date?  Then a reminiscent story about spin-the-bottle leads to a reenactment.  How lame is this date?  Gia was awkwardly chewing her lip before the “whole thing” kiss, but managed to squeeze in the words “It’s our first kiss” before contact.  Thanks, Captain Obvious.

Jake carried Gia to his tent--can the girl walk for herself?  He thought she wouldn’t be able to handle eating hot dogs and s’mores.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure hot dogs are fairly popular in NYC.   Gia outlined her entire life’s plan including adopting a baby girl from China because “that’s what’s important.”  OK.  Plus, she wants a potbelly pig.  They’re, like, so IN right now.

Gia’s voice became more grating as the date went on.  They sure had plenty of wine around them all night, and I wished I had some.   Gia opened up about how past heartbreaks have stunted her ability to open up.  I mean, she hasn’t “felt this way in a year and a half, or two years.”  How did she survive all alone in a harsh loveless desert for so long? 

Jake Is Into Groups

It wouldn’t be a season of The Bachelor without at least one diiiiirrrrty beach date—with dune buggies.  I refuse to pick sides in the Ali-Vienna rivalry because they’re both showing their idiotic sides.  Vienna thinks Jake’s her boyfriend (is she into polygamy too?), and tends to say a lot of dumb stuff like, “Have your fun with him because I’m gonna marry him.”  I get why the other girls don’t like it when she throws herself on him and won’t shut her mouth.  Sure, she’s annoying.  However, Ali is quite pushy and spotlight-hogging herself, but no one seems to get mad at her.  I’m calling bullshit. 

On a more positive note, Corrie is coming out of her shell, and she might be my new favorite.    She was the only one who responded to Jake’s invitation to roll down the hill, and the other girls sat around and talked about how “aggressive” she was being.  It’s their own fault for not jumping at the opportunity themselves.  Catty wenches.

 I have never heard of, nor seen sand-boarding before, but it was a chance for Jake to tangle himself with Tenley.  She needs to watch out, or Ali’s jealousy claws will be scratching at her next. 

 Jake claims he “loves dirty girls.”  No you don’t, geekbomb.  He wouldn’t even know what to do with one if she crawled right into his lap.  The girls got all beautified in their cocktail dresses, and he was wearing an undershirt and a jogging jacket.  He’s a mess. 

Ashleigh got some solo time and had nothing to say.  Instead, she resorted to attempting to undress him, while calling the other girls desperate for being “affectionate.”  He didn’t want to kiss her, probably because she kept repeating everything he said in her “sexy voice.”  Dullsville.

Tenley hasn’t dated since her ex-husband.  That’s heavy.   She is a super-sweet girl, but her baggage might be a little too fresh.

Jake called Vienna out for bringing the drama on herself, by telling her that she acts different alone than around the other girls.  Maybe he’s starting to sense that she’s in it for the competition, not for him.  When he declared, “I like Vienna, I do” his face was so strained, like he wasn’t sure if that’s true.  All of the red flags he sees are based on what the other girls (in COMPETITION with Vienna) say about her.  He needs to be cautious taking that path. 

The really annoying part of this date was that he gave Tenley the rose for “ignoring her in the beginning.”   What? He’s been up her butt since she stepped out of the limo!

Ella vs. Kathryn

The teams weren’t evenly matched on this date, since Ella had a solo date and Kathryn hasn’t said 2 words the entire time.  However, that’s no reason for Kathryn to sulk all night about not getting any attention.  I can’t blame her for being annoyed, since every time she tried to say anything, Ella continued to pontificate about nothing new.  Put your game face on and force yourself in!

Ella wanted Jake to see that she’s more than just a mother, but she only talks about her kid.  I get that he’s the most important person in her life, but she’s got to have something else going on. 

During her one-on-one time, Kathryn dug right in complaining about him ignoring her.   Jake claimed that he’s cautious with her because she’s soooooo beautiful (the other girls are dogs, then, ‘cause you ain’t afraid of ‘em?).   “He’s just scared” is something my mother would say to me when a boy wouldn’t call me in high school.  Usually, it means he’s just not that into you…ahem…Kathryn.

In the end, both of them got the boot.  I love when ménage a trois dates end like this, the second girl is so awkward in her relief right before getting sent packin’.  This decision was so “impossible” for Jake that he had to send everyone home instead of manning up.  Good thing he had a fire going in the backyard so he could dramatically drop the rose into it.

On a side note, I thought he was going to say that he wanted to spend the next 60 years with someone, but he didn’t think Ella had 60 more years because she’s not as young as the other girls.  Instead he said something else that was much more boring. 

Cocktails

Even though Corrie’s whole “I want you to be nervous” speech didn’t make much sense, I hope he gives her a chance because she seems like less of a loony than the other girls.

Ali was in yellow again.  She claimed that Jake sending two girls home was “honorable” and “made her fall for him.”  I fail to see the logic, but he’s certainly into the butt kissing.  She thinks she’s already won, and wants to give him a piece of her mind if he keeps Vienna around.  Calm down, Miss Entitlement.

I would not have been surprised if Jessie turned out to be a spy.  She never got camera time.  However, this episode she offered some insight into the garbage that Vienna says that ticks everyone off.  I think the first full sentence she’s said on air since day 1 was, “Vienna talks about all the cars that she’s crashed and her daddy just writes checks.”  Why don’t they show Vienna making those comments? 

Jake Has A Clearance Sale

I should count the number of times Jake uses the word “absolutely.”   He looked like he was going to vomit right before he excused himself from the ceremony.  Call in Counselor Chris!  Chris Harrison is like the genie who gets to grant wishes.  Love that guy.

Jake sent Jessie-the-mute and  hot-but-boring Ashleigh to the reject limo.  No real shockers there.  Ali’s ugly side came out immediately after Vienna received a rose.  She’s going to get herself so entangled in this Vienna drama that it could come back to bite her in the ass.

Skank of the Day Award

Ashleigh for talking smack about the other girls being too affectionate and then rubbing herself all over an uninviting Jake.

Frontrunners

Ali

Tenley

Roses

Gia

Tenley

Ali

Corrie

Vienna

 

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