Jake the Bachelor ep. 7

This is the point in the show where the producers fill the two-hour timeslot with a ton of recaps.  Chris Harrison sat down with Jake for a little game of “Remember That Time…”  The way he describes the women can be quite telling.  Gia is “so beautiful” and their vineyard date was the “best ever.”  He described Tenley as a little ray of sunshine:  sweet, fun, cute, energetic, etc.  He thinks of Vienna as “bold,” “aggressive,” and a little like Jafar-from-Aladdin (that’s my interpretation, anyway).

Meanwhile, Ali couldn’t stay gone.  The cameras showed her back in San Francisco, inexplicably in a hotel robe, pining for Jake.   His promotional photos from the show were strategically placed next to Ali’s bed so when she randomly awoke from her nap, she could gaze longingly at them.  Puh-lease.

Jake asked Gia at the beginning of their date if she liked boats. Oh how short his memory is--she took him on a boat ride in NYC. They spent the day among the native St. Lucians, who definitely took advantage of the dumb Americans with the TV cameras. Jake and Gia bought so much stuff, but ABC picked up the tab, I’m sure. Jake gave Gia a heart necklace (which resembled one I wore in 7^th grade), which inspired the cheesiest garbage to come spewing from Gia’s mouth. She said “I’m going to wear this necklace on my wrist because I wear my heart on my sleeve.” Ridiculous.

Jake said he would love to come back to St. Lucia on his honeymoon. Wouldn’t that be weird to take your wife to the place where you slobbered all over three women, literally? Gia, in her own crazy talk, decided she wanted an I-love-you-let’s-be-together-forever speech from Jake by the end of the date. Does she realize there are contracts involved in this setup?

During their dinner, Gia pulled her signature fingers-in-the-mouth move (sans band aid, thank goodness). Does she think that’s endearing? She tells Jake that she’d never seen this “deep” side of him before. She seems to be overly-impressed by Jake, and I’m seriously concerned about the kind of clowns she hangs out with in real life. Not to take things out of context, but she declared “I’m ready to go all the way” before entering the Fantasy Suite where they frolicked in the bathtub together. Saucy.

In return for her private dance performance, Jake wanted to show Tenley his passion—for aviation.  I guess they couldn’t find anything for him to fly so they had to ride in a helicopter that was piloted by someone else.  Didn’t Ali get the real deal on her date with him?

In the real world, apparently, Jake is extremely spontaneous and loves to jump on a plane to the Caymans on any given Saturday.  I can only hope for whatever sad sap he chooses, that this is the truth lest she be bored for all eternity.   Anyway, Jake told Tenley that he will have a “boy crush” on his wife 20 years into the marriage, to which, of course, Tenley oooh’ed, aaah’ed, and giggled.

It was a pretty standard date for these two.  They had dinner, talked about hearts and love, and then danced.  She was shocked that a pansy like Jake could actually lead a dance partner.  Turns out, Tenley is looking for someone to lead her through life and dip her forever.  I don’t know what that means, but it sounds pretty unpleasant. 

Tenley was a little tentative about sharing the Fantasy Suite because, as we all know, she’s not that kind of girl.  I don’t think when entering said suite, you sign a contract that you must strip naked and rub up against anyone else in there.  That would just be weird.  In the end, she decided to trust the smooth-talking Jake who praised her for her morals and values, and then probably threw them out the window.  Not judging.

For their date, Jake and Vienna got to ride around on the actual ship from The Pirates of the Caribbean.  Obviously, Jake has never seen a pirate before because when he put on the eye patch, he closed both his eyes.  What a moron.  They spent almost the entire boat ride licking each other’s faces, except when they climbed the mast of the boat and raised a lot of questions about their mutual fear of heights.  Somebody’s not telling the truth.

Vienna said more than once that she has never been in love before.  That makes her two past relationships, an engagement and a marriage, extremely shady.  That one is not to be trusted.  I find it ironic that Jake has to make sure there’s more than just a physical attraction between him and the least fetching lass left.  It speaks a lot to his taste that he’s so enamored by a girl who is constantly watching the dancing bears above his head.

Another interesting note, he asked Vienna if she’s ready to be married, but left off the “again” part which is ever-present in his conversations with Tenley.   He also asked Vienna what kind of ring she’d like, but not anyone else (on camera, that is).  She declared her love for him, in an overly-dramatic tear-filled fashion, as I rolled my eyes at the TV.

There was no doubt Vienna would take the Fantasy Suite invitation, and it was not at all shocking that she paraded around in lingerie.  That’s a great way to show you have more than just a physical connection.  Yep.

Jake was hanging out in his hotel room, slathering his face with a little Oil of Olay (I use the same stuff), when the phone mysteriously rings.  Who might it be?  Why, it’s Ali of course, begging for another chance.   The real question is, what was Jake chewing on while listening to her grrr and dramatically pause after every half-sentence?  How fickle TV love is, last week you’re a frontrunner who had his heart, this week he’s seen three other women naked, and therefore you’re blacklisted.  He apologized for “hurting her feelings” like he teased her on the playground during recess.  One thing is for sure, she will never find anyone else like Jake—there’s no one else in the world that is that big of a cheesebomb.

In typical soap-opera style, the cameras watched Jake get dressed while running a monologue about love, heartbreak, or whatever, and zooming in on his perfectly sculpted abs.  While he recapped the dates for Chris Harrison, he sounded the most excited about Tenley’s, but said he might be in love with Vienna.   Oh the drama.

Tenley’s video was all about kissing, babies, puppies, and love stuff.  She stays true to herself, at least.  Gia was really awkward with her sheepish little girl body language and childlike voice.  She was practically in the fetal position on that rock.  Quite the contrast to Vienna, who was standing and declaring her love for him and saying she wants to flirt with him for the next 80 years.  Gross.

Gia was super-fidgety like she already knew her fate.  Tenley received the first rose, so they could amp up the drama.  Vienna always receives the last one, in hopes that there are women all over the country screaming at their TV sets like men watching football.  Don’t do it Jake!  Alas, he always does.  Tenley looked angry, which was a nice change in emotion for her.

Jake took Gia to a bench so they could discuss their break up, and her face looked like she walked through a sprinkler on the way.  Was it a snot/tears/sweat combination or just a hot glitter mess?  She conceded defeat to the other girls.  She needs to listen to a little old-school Whitney Houston and find the “Greatest Love of All.”

Please place your FINAL pick in the comments section.

Tenley, but I wouldn’t put it past Jake to pull a Brad Womack and not pick anyone.

Tenley

Vienna

Vienna, for daring to wear white lingerie during her Fantasy Suite sloppy thirds.