Jillian The Bachelorette ep 1

 

I wasn't exactly Jillian's biggest supporter on last season's The Bachelor, but I'm willing to put my misplaced animosity aside to enjoy the new season of The Bachelorette. I just hope they don't bring up that hot dog phooey during every episode.

Unfortunately, ABC was concerned that they wouldn't have enough fodder to fill every second to the 2-hour premiere so they threw in multiple montages. I have to say that the one with Jillian shopping for shoes was the possibly lamest thing I've ever seen. If that wasn't bad enough, they followed it with her dancing around the house, playing on the beach, and washing the car. Is she Jessica Simpson or something?

Enough about Jillian, let's look at her potential Mr. Invisibles:

Kiptyn is looking for a woman with a lust for life. I have a lust for his 6-pack! He was the first one out of the limo-don't firsties usually end up sticking around for awhile? Jillian took a liking to him, big time. When they were all inside, she sought him out for some one-on-one time. That's always a good sign.

Bryan, the non-British soccer coach, picked her up to "sweep her off her feet." I guess he realized he couldn't do it with his personality, so he had to physically remove her feet from the ground. He seems like a used car salesman and a big waste of time.

John P's opening line of calling her a "polished hick" was not good at all. He really didn't get much air-time after that. First impressions matter, I guess! Later, when he got sent packing, he threw the dreaded words "soul mate" around like Jillian uses "eh". Come on, John, I can smell your desperation through my TV set.

Brian, the frat boy, had the audacity to call her "Hot-Tub Harris." That's like calling someone "Knee-Pads McGee." Inappropriate! After that, he headed straight to the bar. Classy move.

Jake will be around for awhile because he is one good lookin' pilot! He talks out of one side of his mouth sometimes, and is kind of a geek, but I can get past that. I'm not even into pilots, but if he's looking for a best friend, I'm up to the task! He calls himself "America's Hopeful Romantic" and I call him my American Dream (wow, I need help). However, his tie was terrible. I honestly thought it was tiger print. Also, he has to let go of all the little pilot jokes and puns. We get that you want her to be your co-pilot. Move on to something cleverer, please. (My love is fickle.)

Dave was so awkward. It makes me wonder if they have to practice their lines in front of the producers to make sure they're camera-ready. He had a hard time in the beginning, but once he got going he couldn't shut up. That somehow earned him the First Impression Rose, which is beyond my understanding. Anyone else notice that one of his eyelids is a little slower than the other?

Tanner F looks like he might murder you in your sleep. He makes me uneasy. Maybe it's his crazy facial proportions-take a closer look; you'll see what I'm saying.

Is it just me or is Michael, the break dance instructor, a little light in the heels? Fancy in the feet? Dainty in the wrist? Or is it just that he's a bit of a pretty boy? I guess it was sweet when he said that she "punched him right in the face with how beautiful she is." He's a regular poet. They seemed to have more of a friend (AKA shopping-buddy) connection when he was teaching her how to break dance. Obviously, he's doing something right because she seems to like him.

They didn't show much of Robby the bartender, but he got a rose. Maybe Jillian figures it's always good to have someone around to mix the drinks. Not bad logic, I'd say.

John H sounds like a stoner. He also wears a ring on his middle finger-I don't trust guys like that. He claims he only came on the show for Jillian. I wonder if the guys are given the previous season to watch. John and Jillian seemed to have had a nice little chat about their families, but she still told him to hit the road. She might have been too distracted by his jerky head movements to focus on their conversation. It looked like he teared-up a bit in his post-rejection interview. Real men don't cry on reality TV dating shows, especially on the first night. What is this, The Bachelor?

Sasha is a keeper, if she's looking for someone with a rubber band bank in his pocket (translation: he's rich). He's in the oil business in Texas, which means he's probably not up for moving anytime soon. Unless he's going to retire at the age of 32, which wouldn't surprise me. His mom thinks he's handsome and smart, and he dances in his backyard. Something tells me he'll stick around.

Brad brushed his shoulders off when he got out of the limo. What a goonbomb! He called himself corny, which might be the understatement of the year.

Mathue has so much wrong with him, I don't know where to start. That cowboy hat has seen better days, but it's probably worth a bit if all those signatures are real. When he took it off, he unveiled a less-than-stellar personality. He called her out on her love for country music, like he didn't believe her. Down, sparky! He seems like the type of quiet nerd who watches girls from afar and then beats up any dude who goes near them. Maybe that's my imagination, but I don't trust him.

I could use a little less of Mathue and a little more of Simon-the-Brit. Not because he's hot or anything, but the fact that they have to use subtitles for someone speaking English cracks me up. Plus, the bloke brought teabags. How stereotypical! I wonder how long he'll last before she gives up trying to understand him through that accent.

All I wrote about Jesse during the show was that he's a winemaker with an oddly-shaped forehead. Also, he used the "I only came on this show for you." Snooze! In an attempt at being cute, he wore an "Aspiring Canadian" shirt. So he's just here for the dual citizenship?

I know it's only been one episode, but I'm ready for Julien to get gone. I don't know what it is about him, but he comes across as such a d-bag. Besides, Julien & Jillian isn't cute. It reminds me of Julia Goulia from The Wedding Singer. Blech.

Wes, the serenade king, is in some trouble. He appears to be delusional. He thinks that having a number one song in Mexico and being nicknamed "The Rooster" are good things. From the season's preview, he's going to get accused of using the show to promote his music career. I thought that only happened to the losers on VH1...

Now onto my least-favorite of the night, Kyle. That dude has a HUGE head both literally and figuratively. He thinks he looks good, smells good and makes love good. He looks, acts, and smells like an idiot. He thinks he's way better looking than he is, which is just embarrassing for his parents. I can't believe Jillian almost fell for his stupid moustache trick. I'm glad she saw that he tries entirely too hard with his talk of world traveling and thrift-store shopping. Brian should have taken a waffle iron to his face!

Adam the Olympic cyclist should have shaved that wannabe facial hair. Yep.

Steve looks like Bob Saget and is a nerdiest lawyer to ever come out of NYC (that's an accomplishment). Tyra Banks must have partaken in casting because this is the season of foreheads! Basically, Steve sat on the couch the whole night "waiting" his turn and then was surprised when he didn't receive a rose. His excuse was that he's too "city" for her. Ummm, yeah. She's not necessarily looking for a country guy, but she's definitely not looking for a complete loser who says things like "Maybe she doesn't like awesome guys." Good riddance!

Juan is cute, but I got over him with a quickness. I think Jillian should have responded to his Spanish with French. That's what they speak up in the Great White North, Chico! Something about him reminds me of a mesh between Jeremy and Ron from Deanna's season, and I am not digging that. I bet he gets conniving down the line.

Caleb was wearing dumb-colored jeans. Mature description, no?

Josh, the lifeguard, looked 38 and a bit like Conan O'Brien-not in a good way. He was a member of the forehead club, but his was a touch more wrinkled than the rest. Strange, since he was one of the youngest dudes.

Something about Greg's face was very Jason-like, but he had a terrible voice. He needed to stop trying to be Jeremy Piven with all the "hug it outs." Why does this guy call himself Billbro? I don't even know how to spell that. On a scale of 1 to 10, he's Billbro. On a scale of 1 to 10, you're a moron. Then he challenged Michael to a dance off. Not that I'm on Twinkle Toes' side, but it's pretty idiotic to challenge a dance instructor to a dance off.

Mark looks dead behind the eyes. He brought his own theory about pizza toppings, but didn't know what they meant. Be smooth! Whatever she eats on her pizza is perfect, fool! I guess she fell for his BS because he ended up with a rose.

ABC's attempt to spice things up this season includes adding 5 extra guys to place their sweaty paws all over her. Lucky for the truants, Jillian said that the guys got better and better looking as the night went on. That's because they were constantly refilling her wine glass! By the time the superfluous dudes showed up, she was half in the bag.

I didn't even catch all of the names at the end. All I know is that Mike threw the ball at her and used the cheesiest line, "Good Catch." Ed looks like a mix of Greg Brady and Jeffery Dean Morgan. And then there's Tanner P-the foot guy. His obsession with feet is beyond creepy. Someone needs to check his freezer for some nicely manicured toes. He used his serial killer powers to make her feel comfortable so she wouldn't notice that he wasn't looking at her face the entire time. He thinks she's got phenomenal feet, and I fear he will build a shrine to them. Creepster!

So how is this super-sized brood going to get whittled down? Did they expand the season so there's an extra week? She's got a lot of losers to evacuate, so I hope some big eliminations come sooner than later.

Frontrunners (if there is such a thing at this point):

Kiptyn

Jake

Dave

Roses went to:

Dave

Jake

Jesse

Wes

Mathue

Michael

Robert

Ed

Reid

Simon

Kiptyn

Mike

Brian B

Sasha

Julien

Tanner P

Mark

Brad

Tanner F

Juan

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Comments 3 comments

Faye Faye 7 years ago

Finally saw this...I hate, hate, hate her taste in men. That dude that she gave the first impression rose to is an a-hole. That seems to be her type.

I really like Ed and Kipton. Jake's ok although as a general rule I vote to stay away from pilots.


Kat 7 years ago

I loved how you broke down they guys. I'll be sure to tune in on Monday so I can be caught up with everything. :) LOL


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Megavitamin 7 years ago Author

Faye, I could not agree with you more. She keeps some freak shows--hello, foot fettish! Plus, she says she likes manly men but then gives a rose to Michael? Ha! You're doing a great job avoiding pilots ;0)

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