Just for Kicks #1: Jokes, Riddles and Other Silly Stuff

The Three Stooges
The Three Stooges | Source
Source

Be Careful What You Eat

A nutritionist was giving a talk to a large audience on the dangers of food additives.

"The materials and poisons we put in our bodies should have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Chinese food is loaded with MSG that is dangerous to asthmatics. Soft drinks and cola can corrode your stomach lining.

Most fruit and vegetables are genetIcally modified and can cause defects in mice and rats so it's conceivable this could have similar effects on humans. High-trans fat diets can lead to clogged arteries and be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water or alternatively, the side-effects of fluoride added to it.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us do, or will, eat it."

He then asks, "Can anyone tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet while the audience contemplated the answer, a 70 year old man in the front row raises his hand, and softly says, "Wedding cake."

An Abbott and Costello Classic

Some Easy Riddles

Source

How to Write Good English

  1. Never use a metaphor, simile or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
  2. Never use a long word where a short one will do.
  3. If it is possible to cut out a word, always cut it out.
  4. Never use the passive where you can use the active.
  5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
  6. Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.

- George Orwell

A Road Much Travelled

A road-crew supervisor for the Main Roads Department hired a blonde woman to assist with painting the white line down the middle of the road. He was sceptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and really needed the job.

He explained the work assignment to her and that she had to try to paint at least two miles of white line on the road each day. He then set her up with the necessary brushes and paint and got her started.

After the first day he was pleasantly surprised that she had done an excellent job and had managed to paint four miles of road in her eight hour shift.

On the second day she completed two miles of road. The supervisor was a little disappointed because on the first day she had done twice as much work. However he didn't say anything because two miles per day was all the job required.

On day three he was shocked to learn that, in her eight hour shift, she only painted one mile of road. He calls her into his office.

"On your first day, you completed four miles of road, on your second day, two miles of road, and now on day three, you are only able to complete one mile of road," he says. "Can I ask what the problem is?"

"Well," she replies, "I keep getting further and further away from the paint."

Would I rather be feared or loved?

Um..easy..both.

I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

— Steve Carell
Photo Credit: Heather Hummel Photography
Photo Credit: Heather Hummel Photography | Source
Source

Faithful Delivery

An elderly nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site is shocked by the coarse language of the workers and decides to spend some time with them to try and correct their ways.

She decides to take her lunch and sit with them, so she puts her sandwich in a brown paper bag and walks over to where the men were sitting eating.

Smiling broadly, she approaches the group and asks, "Do any of you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shake their heads and look at each other, very confused. Then one of the workers looks up into the scaffolding and yells, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yells backdown, "Why?"

The first worker yells back, "Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

If 'a' is SUCCESS IN LIFE, then 'a' equals 'x' plus 'y' plus 'z'. Work is 'x'; play is 'y'; and 'z' is keeping your mouth shut.

— Albert Einstein

A Riddle for Aussie and Kiwi Readers

Only Australians or New Zealanders will understand this riddle.
Only Australians or New Zealanders will understand this riddle.
Source

Teacher's Pet

On the last day of the school term, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

The daughter of the confectionary store's owner gave her a box of delicious chocolates.

Then the liquor store owner's son presented the teacher with a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" She asked, smiling.

"No," the little boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," the boy said again.

For a third time she tasted another drop, "It must be whiskey then?" she guessed for a last time.

"No," he said once again, smiling broadly, "It's a puppy."

THE GREAT QUESTION that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul ,is, 'What does a woman want?'

— Freud
Source

Robert Benchley came out of a nightclub one evening and, tapping a uniformed figure on the shoulder, said, "Get me a cab." The uniformed figure turned around furiously and informed him that he was not a doorman but a rear admiral. "Okay," said Benchley, "Get Me a battleship."

(Robert Charles Benchley was an American humorist best known for his work as a newspaper columnist and film actor. Wikipedia)

Did You Hear the One About a Pastor, a Doctor, and an Engineer?

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer meet for a round of golf. They are made to wait for a particularly slow group of golfers on the green ahead of them.

The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes."

"Here comes the groundskeeper," the pastor says. "Let's have a word with him."

"Hey, Geoff, what's up with the group ahead of us?" asks the doctor, "They seem very slow."

Geoff, the groundskeeper, advises them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a blaze. They are allowed to come and play for free whenever they want.

The three men are silent for a moment.

"That's so unfortunate," the pastor says, "I will say a prayer for thone brave men tonight."

"Good idea. I'll contact an ophthalmologist buddy to ask if there's anything he can do for them," the doctor says.

The engineer then adds, " Why can't these guys just play at night."

GOD invented the giraffe, the elephant, and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.

— Pablo Picasso
Artwork by Alfredo Rodriguez
Artwork by Alfredo Rodriguez | Source

Tatonka, the Way of the Woods

An Indian chief wanted to teach his son the way of the woods before his up-coming initiation.

The chief kneels, putting his ear to the ground and hears a noise.

"Buffalo come."

"How do you know?" his son asks.

"Ground shaky."

Just then they look up to see a cloud of dust and before long a herd of bison go thundering past.

The boy is impressed and wants to try himself. He gets on the ground, like his father demonstrated, and listens.

"Man come."

"Tell me, how do you know?" the chief asks, impressed.

"Ground sticky."

Source

© 2015 John Hansen

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Comments 76 comments

Phyllis Doyle profile image

Phyllis Doyle 14 months ago from High desert of Nevada.

This was fun, Jodah. I never tire of funny stories. I love the Abbot & Costello one on baseball. No matter how often I hear it, I laugh. They did that so well.

Thanks for the laughs, Jodah.

Up, Funny, Awesome and H+


word55 profile image

word55 14 months ago from Chicago

Fantastic comedy here Jodah, you've presented some of the funniest guys in the world. The other comedy stories were hilarious. Thanks for such a funny presentation. It's good to laugh for a change! Voted up and the funniest of the week.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thanks for being the first to read this Phyllis. Glad you got a laugh from this hub. Yes, that Abbott and Costello skit is one of my all time favourites too. I appreciate the vote up too.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thanks for being the first to read this Phyllis. Glad you got a laugh from this hub. Yes, that Abbott and Costello skit is one of my all time favourites too. I appreciate the vote up too.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thanks for being the first to read this Phyllis. Glad you got a laugh from this hub. Yes, that Abbott and Costello skit is one of my all time favourites too. I appreciate the vote up too.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Hi Al, so glad you found these funny and got a good laugh. Although I found the stories funny I wasn't sure that others would. Thanks for the confirmation and the vote up.


Frank Atanacio profile image

Frank Atanacio 14 months ago from Shelton

I have to admit it.. this was fun especially the wedding cake.. LOL great hub Jodah...


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thank you Frank, always great to get your comment. Glad you liked the wedding cake joke.


Mr Archer profile image

Mr Archer 14 months ago from Missouri

Well done Jodah. I particularly loved Abbott and Costello and Who's on First. The way they work that is priceless! Great start to my day; thanks!


Ericdierker profile image

Ericdierker 14 months ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

Wonderful job. You added the spice I needed for my day today. Thank you


always exploring profile image

always exploring 14 months ago from Southern Illinois

Funny and clever John. I especially liked the blond painter. I also love the picture of the Indian's reflection in the water.


bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 14 months ago from Central Florida

I love humorous hubs, John. This one certainly didn't disappoint. At first I thought you'd really attended a seminar about the foods that are killing us until I read further and knew the punchline. You tell it better than the first version I heard.

This was a lot of fun. Thanks for the giggles!


billybuc profile image

billybuc 14 months ago from Olympia, WA

Having been taught by nuns, I can never decide whether to laugh or cry at a nun joke. They are always too close to the truth. :) Thanks for the laughs this morning, John!


SAQIB6608 profile image

SAQIB6608 14 months ago from HYDERABAD PAKISTAN

Nailed it like a Wedding Cake !! Jodah my friend


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Hi Mr Archer, glad this helped start the day with a laugh. You can't beat Abbott and Costello.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Great to see you Eric, glad this spiced up your day too. Have a good one.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Hi Ruby, yep the blonde line painter is priceless. Glad you liked that pic too.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Haha Shauna, yes I added a bit to the wedding cake joke. Glad it worked. Cheers.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Hey Bill, thanks for reading. Tell me did you decide to laugh or cry with this nun joke? Just kidding. Have a great day building or pulling down that verandah.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thank you for reading and commenting SAQIB.


drbj profile image

drbj 14 months ago from south Florida

You picked the BEST jokes to share with us, Jodah. Thanks for the laughs. And the one-of-a-kind, unforgettable 'Who's on First?" video. Still chuckling.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thanks drbj, those compliments mean a lot coming from a comedy expert like yourself. "Who's on First" is always a winner.


Faith Reaper profile image

Faith Reaper 14 months ago from southern USA

Laughter is good for the soul and you have provided a lot of good here, John. Always loved that skit by Abbott and Costello ...at work when things get confusing, we always say "Who's on first?" LOL, as we truly wonder!

I understand that blonde's rationale there ... : ) tee hee NOT

Thanks for the laughs this day.


Pico Triano profile image

Pico Triano 14 months ago from New Brunswick, Canada

Well told funnies. I always appreciate a good laugh.


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 14 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

This is a great diversion this morning. Thanks John - wedding cake, I am sure to use that one.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Hello Theresa, we all need a good laugh don't we? I have always loved that Abbott and Costello skit since hearing it as a kid on the radio. Haha to the blonde.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thanks Pico, glad you enjoyed these.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thanks for reading Mike, tell me what your wife thinks of the wedding cake joke.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 14 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama

Hey, Jodah!

Terrific stuff! "Who's on first?" happens to be my all-time favorite sketch. Voted up and all of the choices. And the one with the nun eating lunch with the construction workers was a great story.

I loved this.

I am serious when I say that YOU need to start a career in stand-up comedy.

No joke.


DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 14 months ago from Oakley, CA

Hahahaha!! Very funny jokes indeed! I'll have to share these around. I especially like the one about the lunch. ... and the blonde...and the... oh,heck! I liked them all!

That "Who's on First" skit is a classic--and I salute those who can master it! It's very tricky!

And here's one I made up a week or two back:

Q. What was the nun doing on the nude beach?

A. She kicked her habit.

;-)

Voted up and funny


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thanks for reading this Kenneth. I appreciate your opinion greatly. However I doubt stand-up comedy is my thing...I am hopeless at public speaking, nerves get me. Thanks for the vote up.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thanks DzyMsLizzy. Glad you found these funny and love yours about the nun on the nude beach. That's a great addition :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 14 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama

Two blondes in a sharp convertible drove to this drive-in movie business in late fall. Their bodies were discovered the next March for having frozen to death. Forensic scientists have concluded that they froze for waiting for someone to take their ticket money to see the movie, "Closed Through The Winter."

And that's it for me.

Now here's that hilarious comedy duo, Jodah and DzyMsLizzy!


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

haha Kenneth...that's funny, love it!


clivewilliams profile image

clivewilliams 14 months ago from Nibiru

lollollolololololololo....all i can say


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thanks Clive...you can stop laughing now.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 14 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama

Jodah,

You are very welcome and I will be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.


kurtreifschneider profile image

kurtreifschneider 14 months ago from Loveland Colorado

Awesome a Ndebele very funny..voted up..


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thanks Kurt, glad the hub provided a laugh.


ocfireflies profile image

ocfireflies 14 months ago from North Carolina

John,

Thanks for starting my day off with laughter. I have to say that the best one was the last one. Smiles. Nothing like a private sting for one to forget about everything else...

Blessings and of course voted up FUNNY!

Kim


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 14 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama

Jodah,

Haaarrrrrrr!


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Hey Kim, if anything I write can make you laugh at the moment I am successful and happy. I didn't think anyone would be "brave" (get the pun?) enough to mention the last one, but you were :) Thank you my friend.

Hugs


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Good to see you back again Kenneth, and still laughing.


Genna East profile image

Genna East 14 months ago from Massachusetts, USA

"What does a woman want?" I've heard that Freud did indeed say that. And the answer is as follows: As soon as we've figured this out, we'll let you know. :-) Thanks for the fun and giggles with this cool hub. :-)


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thank you for reading this Genna. It is always good to see a comment from you. Glad it gave you a smile and especially thanks for telling me "what women want".. Much appreciated :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 14 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama

Jodah, bro, this hub should be an Editor's Pick. Easy.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

I wish Kenneth. The editors don't like me however. I had three of my early hubs chosen as "editors choice" but nothing for years, even though I went out of my way to write a few hubs that met every criteria such as "How to Make the World's Best Scrambled Eggs" which had all my own photos, recipe, how to and poetry, correct word count etc...but nothing. I don't think I will every see another "editors choice" or ever get a HOTD. Thanks anyway.


Phyllis Doyle profile image

Phyllis Doyle 14 months ago from High desert of Nevada.

I read your scrambled eggs hub and it was so tempting to try it your way, so I did - and I love the recipe. It is simple, but good. BTW, Jodah, you write a HOTD (Hot Off The Desk) every time. I like your hubs - they are all Editor's Choice in my eyes..

I never worry about if my hubs are praised by HP, I am concerned about what my readers think. Your hubs attract readers in droves.

(Look at me, I'm happy, don't worry, be happy

Here I give you my phone number, when you worry, call me,

I make you happy, don't worry, be happy)

Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style

Ain't got no guy to make me smile

Don't worry, be happy

'Cause when you worry your face will frown

And that will bring everybody down

Don't worry, be happy


Larry Rankin profile image

Larry Rankin 14 months ago from Oklahoma

Great fun, I always enjoy a quality humorous article.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 14 months ago from The Caribbean

I started laughing at the sight of the three stooges. The stories kept the mood going. Thank you, Jodah.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Oh Phyllis, you are a dear. I wasn't worried about HP giving me HOTD or editor's choice, I was just replying to Kenneth's comment, but I guess it may have come across that way :) As long as the readers enjoy what I write and I feel happy with it, that's all that truly matters. Thanks for sharing the words of "Don't Worry, Be Happy" though....alway loved that song.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thanks Larry, that means a lot coming from another writer of comedy hubs.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Yes MsDora, the Stooges do it to me everytime too :) Glad you found the stories funny as well. Thanks.


Carb Diva profile image

Carb Diva 14 months ago

Oh Jodah, I really needed these today. Thanks for the chuckles.


Dana Tate profile image

Dana Tate 14 months ago from LOS ANGELES

I needed this laugh to lighten up my Monday morning. I love experiencing all the different sides of your amazing talent. Thank you for sharing.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thanks for reading Carb Diva, the jokes are on me. Cheers.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Hi Dana, glad I managed to provide you with a laugh this Monday morning. Thanks for your kind words and continued support.


Chriswillman90 profile image

Chriswillman90 14 months ago from Parlin, New Jersey

Funny in context with some very clever rhetoric. This was a fun read and it lightened up my somber mood after a busy day of work. Great hub. Voted up!


aviannovice profile image

aviannovice 14 months ago from Stillwater, OK

Those were fantastic. Wish I had started my day with them.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

It's great to hear these lightened your mood after a hard day Chris. Thanks for reading, as always.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thank you for reading Deb, glad you enjoyed them even if it was at the end of the day.


Dana Tate profile image

Dana Tate 14 months ago from LOS ANGELES

I loved this. It was too funny! I think my followers would enjoy this one on my 'Just too funny' board with pintrest.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thank you Dana, glad it gave you a laugh and feel free to pin anything you think appropriate to your Pinterest boards. I shared your hubs on Twitter as well. Hope that's ok.


Nadine May profile image

Nadine May 14 months ago from Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa

Your short stories were truly entertaining and funny. I have to share this with several writing groups. Well done. Voted up.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thank you Nadine. Glad you found these funny. Please feel free to share.


FlourishAnyway profile image

FlourishAnyway 14 months ago from USA

I especially liked the nun joke. My husband's aunt is a nun. Perhaps I will tell it to her. She's pretty cool. You should write more of these hubs. Very funny indeed.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Hi Flourish, thanks for the comment. I hope your hubby's aunt likes that joke. I will probably make this a regular series as I finally have my "How to Talk Aussie" hubs over and done with. Have a great weekend.


lawrence01 profile image

lawrence01 14 months ago from Hamilton, New Zealand

Jodah

What do you call a kiwi with one leg shorter than the other? Anything you like, they won't catch you!

Loved these jokes

Lawrence


Jodah profile image

Jodah 14 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Haha Lawrence. Glad you enjoyed these jokes. Thanks for reading and commenting.


Eric Flynn profile image

Eric Flynn 13 months ago from Providence, Rhode Island

Voted Up and Funny. My favorite one was the mosquito/ Confucius.

EWF


teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 13 months ago

I love your opening joke but the nun reference had me rolling! I could just see this sweet person trying to do a good deed and meeting with these rascals.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 13 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

:) thank you teaches12345. I am happy you got a laugh out of these. Yes, I enjoyed that nun joke too.


alexadry profile image

alexadry 13 months ago from USA

I enjoyed this read and the several jokes, thanks for the laughs!


Jodah profile image

Jodah 13 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Thank you for reading Alexadry, glad they gave you a smile.


dahoglund profile image

dahoglund 12 months ago from Wisconsin Rapids

I got distracted by this collection of jokes. I'll have to check out you flash fiction later.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 12 months ago from Queensland Australia Author

Haha Don, I guess that was a good kind of distraction. I hope you still enjoy my flash fiction story when you get to it :)

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