Just for Kicks #1: Jokes, Riddles and Other Silly Stuff
Be Careful What You Eat
A nutritionist was giving a talk to a large audience on the dangers of food additives.
"The materials and poisons we put in our bodies should have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Chinese food is loaded with MSG that is dangerous to asthmatics. Soft drinks and cola can corrode your stomach lining.
Most fruit and vegetables are genetIcally modified and can cause defects in mice and rats so it's conceivable this could have similar effects on humans. High-trans fat diets can lead to clogged arteries and be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water or alternatively, the side-effects of fluoride added to it.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us do, or will, eat it."
He then asks, "Can anyone tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet while the audience contemplated the answer, a 70 year old man in the front row raises his hand, and softly says, "Wedding cake."
An Abbott and Costello Classic
Some Easy Riddles
How to Write Good English
- Never use a metaphor, simile or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
- Never use a long word where a short one will do.
- If it is possible to cut out a word, always cut it out.
- Never use the passive where you can use the active.
- Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
- Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.
- George Orwell
A Road Much Travelled
A road-crew supervisor for the Main Roads Department hired a blonde woman to assist with painting the white line down the middle of the road. He was sceptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and really needed the job.
He explained the work assignment to her and that she had to try to paint at least two miles of white line on the road each day. He then set her up with the necessary brushes and paint and got her started.
After the first day he was pleasantly surprised that she had done an excellent job and had managed to paint four miles of road in her eight hour shift.
On the second day she completed two miles of road. The supervisor was a little disappointed because on the first day she had done twice as much work. However he didn't say anything because two miles per day was all the job required.
On day three he was shocked to learn that, in her eight hour shift, she only painted one mile of road. He calls her into his office.
"On your first day, you completed four miles of road, on your second day, two miles of road, and now on day three, you are only able to complete one mile of road," he says. "Can I ask what the problem is?"
"Well," she replies, "I keep getting further and further away from the paint."
Would I rather be feared or loved?
I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.— Steve Carell
An elderly nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site is shocked by the coarse language of the workers and decides to spend some time with them to try and correct their ways.
She decides to take her lunch and sit with them, so she puts her sandwich in a brown paper bag and walks over to where the men were sitting eating.
Smiling broadly, she approaches the group and asks, "Do any of you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shake their heads and look at each other, very confused. Then one of the workers looks up into the scaffolding and yells, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yells backdown, "Why?"
The first worker yells back, "Cause his mom's here with his lunch."
If 'a' is SUCCESS IN LIFE, then 'a' equals 'x' plus 'y' plus 'z'. Work is 'x'; play is 'y'; and 'z' is keeping your mouth shut.— Albert Einstein
A Riddle for Aussie and Kiwi Readers
On the last day of the school term, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a beautiful bouquet of flowers.
The daughter of the confectionary store's owner gave her a box of delicious chocolates.
Then the liquor store owner's son presented the teacher with a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" She asked, smiling.
"No," the little boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," the boy said again.
For a third time she tasted another drop, "It must be whiskey then?" she guessed for a last time.
"No," he said once again, smiling broadly, "It's a puppy."
THE GREAT QUESTION that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul ,is, 'What does a woman want?'— Freud
Robert Benchley came out of a nightclub one evening and, tapping a uniformed figure on the shoulder, said, "Get me a cab." The uniformed figure turned around furiously and informed him that he was not a doorman but a rear admiral. "Okay," said Benchley, "Get Me a battleship."
(Robert Charles Benchley was an American humorist best known for his work as a newspaper columnist and film actor. Wikipedia)
Did You Hear the One About a Pastor, a Doctor, and an Engineer?
A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer meet for a round of golf. They are made to wait for a particularly slow group of golfers on the green ahead of them.
The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes."
"Here comes the groundskeeper," the pastor says. "Let's have a word with him."
"Hey, Geoff, what's up with the group ahead of us?" asks the doctor, "They seem very slow."
Geoff, the groundskeeper, advises them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a blaze. They are allowed to come and play for free whenever they want.
The three men are silent for a moment.
"That's so unfortunate," the pastor says, "I will say a prayer for thone brave men tonight."
"Good idea. I'll contact an ophthalmologist buddy to ask if there's anything he can do for them," the doctor says.
The engineer then adds, " Why can't these guys just play at night."
GOD invented the giraffe, the elephant, and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.— Pablo Picasso
Tatonka, the Way of the Woods
An Indian chief wanted to teach his son the way of the woods before his up-coming initiation.
The chief kneels, putting his ear to the ground and hears a noise.
"How do you know?" his son asks.
Just then they look up to see a cloud of dust and before long a herd of bison go thundering past.
The boy is impressed and wants to try himself. He gets on the ground, like his father demonstrated, and listens.
"Tell me, how do you know?" the chief asks, impressed.
© 2015 John Hansen
More by this Author
My short tribute to the great comedian and actor Robin Williams.
Another collection of jokes, riddles, humorous quotes and other silly stuff to tickle your funny bone and hopefully make you laugh out loud. This is my second in the series.
This is a continuation of "Maureen's Story" that appeared in my hub "How to Construct a Short Story Using One Sentence as a Prompt"