Reality VS Truth (When conversing about Monkey Arms)
Reality has nothing to do with the truth.
The reality is that I have a friend who has monkey arms. I noticed it the other day when she said, “I have monkey arms.” There’s something terrible that seems to happen to the human species right around the age of 40. We get monkey arms. The truth is, actually, that it’s not always Monkey Arms we get. I ended up with Tyrannosaurus Rex arms. I think those are worse than monkey arms.
The reality is that around the age of 40 we start to evolve backward. My friend is lucky, she can swat all 5 of her kids on the head without ever leaving her recliner, while the truth is that I can’t seem to get my coffee cup to my mouth. Pretty soon I’ll be writing in dinosaur hieroglyphics and stalking burrito makers at Taco Bell. I’m a little scared, or maybe they should be. Burritos…. Yum.
The reality is that 100% of women are overweight by the time they reach the age of 37. (I’m getting these hard facts from the pictures taken at my last family reunion. They’re extremely accurate.) The truth is that I didn’t attend the reunion, so I don’t count.
The reality is that 50% of us will have back problems by the time we’re 38. This completely accurate percentage is based on the fact that my brother and my husband, who are both over 38, have back problems. My sister-in-law and I do not.
Of course, that could mean that 100% of males over 38 will have back problems. Ewww, that’s bad. That’s real bad. On the upside, it looks like the truth is that 100% of females will be back-problem free (at least until they’re 39).
Of course, women don’t get away scot-free; we do have the gravity issue. I don’t want to begin to delve into the evolutionary gravitational pull on women. It’s wrong, it’s real, and it’s scary. Real scary. You know what I’m talking about. That’s right. I wasn’t going to mention it, but I guess something must be said.
The reality is, 120% of females in the Americas and surrounding countries have to deal with the dreaded gravitational pull of their…. chins. I’ve seen it. You’ve seen it. We try to look the other way, but there it is, the sagging chin. It’s hideous. The truth is, if you don’t look in a mirror, it won’t happen. I don’t look in a mirror, which means I have, so far, avoided the sagging skin beneath the part beneath my lower lip. 120% of women have obviously looked in a mirror Let’s get that number down to 119%!
Shuddering and moving on.
After 40 It's All Downhill
The reality is once you hit around 40 years of age; your body starts going downhill, backwards, at an ever-increasing speed. The truth, however, is that your mind has already reached the bottom. With nowhere else to go, and really nothing of interest to do, the mind of the around-40 year old begins to know stuff. Cool stuff. Stuff you could use if only your body were still 19. It’s the universe’s cruel joke on older people.
The reality is you now understand how to get guys/chicks to go out with you. The truth is this knowledge would only help you if you were in high school, people your own age can’t be fooled by high school stuff.
The reality is all of the times you thought you were fat when you were young-you really weren’t. You weren’t even close. Being able to pinch an inch when sitting down doesn’t make you fat. That wasn’t even fat! That was skin. You could have eaten whatever you wanted and still not have been fat. The truth is, if you’re 100% of the women at my family reunion, you now are fat; you can’t even smell whatever you want without gaining weight.
The reality is you realize you could have started as a coffee girl at NBC like Connie Chung so you could have made it to the top and been knocked down by now. Your body could be hanging out with your brain at the bottom of that hill. The truth is, you’re now old enough to realize your brain isn’t really worth hanging out with anyway.
The reality is you can’t even pass on this valuable knowledge because all the teenagers in your life already have all the answers to all of the questions in the universe; except, of course, why you’re walking around with Monkey Arms. The truth is, my friend is actually beginning to like her Monkey Arms.
Now, where’s a straw so I can drink my coffee….
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