Let's Put the X Back In Xmas

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It’s time to put the X back in Xmas. I know, the X is supposed to be a Greek Chi, the first letter in the Greek word for Christ (I had to go to graduate school to learn that), but I just want it to be a regular X. Look folks, you have to know when you have been beaten. It’s time to wave the white flag, call it quits, take our ball and go home.

It’s not that big a deal, we, the church, just co-opted Saturnalia anyway. Let’s just give it back. Maybe it can’t be called Saturnalia, nobody worships Saturn anymore, but it could be called Consumer Day, or Conspicuous Consumption Day, how about Greedmus; it sounds better if it’s just one word.

It’s not like the switch to Greedmus would have to change much. Instead of trying to squeeze in a little sacred space amongst all the secular hoopla, we could just stop pretending and let the good times roll. Don’t get me wrong, we can still have warm and fuzzy feelings. Nothing contributes to peace on earth like strong trade ties, and consumer spending bolsters the economy; everybody wins! Yea Greedmus!

Don’t worry, we can still feed our feelings of moral superiority by heading down to the shelter on Greedmus morning and slapping turkey and dressing on the plates of the homeless. We will smile and forgive them that they have nothing to spend on Greedmus. Of course, those homeless who have bad drug habits probably do contribute something to the economy. Drug lords have to spend their money somewhere, trickledown economics you know. I guess Greedmus really is for everybody. (Tip: Your trip to the shelter will be easier if you pretend that it’s the homeless’ own fault that they are homeless.)

Another thing that we could do on Greedmus is have Corporate Profit Repatriation Day. You know how all those big U.S. based corporations keep their overseas profits overseas so that they don’t have to pay U.S. taxes on them? On Greedmus, they could bring the money back into the U.S. without penalty. Since anyone with money in a mutual fund probably owns a little piece of these corporations, we all win.

The benefits don’t stop there. We could eliminate at least one day for the “Christmas and Easter Christians,” you know, the ones that only show-up on Christmas and Easter. They will be relieved and we won’t have to wring our hands about making a good impression and hoping that they will come back the next Sunday.

Want to teach your child the true meaning of Greedmus? Head down to the local Walmart; don’t forget your pepper spray. By the way, if you see the Easter Bunny, shoot it.

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