MOCK SCRIPT: Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)
SPOILER ALERT: This article will spoil the movie for you if you haven't seen it. It's essentially a recollection of what takes place in the film from start to finish, albeit, a much shorter version. There was simply too much ridiculousness throughout the film for this article not to exist.
EXT. BATTLEFIELD - DAY
Soldiers, led by KING MAGNUS, destroy an army of glass men who, when stabbed, shatter into billions of pretty little crystals. The king discovers a woman held captive in a carriage. She's beautiful, and for our purposes, she will be known as. . .
KING MAGNUS: Wow. You're really beautiful. I think I want to marry you. I should probably do a quick background check, you know, since you were somebody's prisoner, but I'm quite impetuous and very horny indeed.
CRAZY CHARLIZE: Really? When will we get married?
KING MAGNUS: Well, my wife just died, and my daughter and I need some time to recover, so. . .how about tomorrow?
INT. KING'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
MAGNUS and CRAZY CHARLIZE are in bed. She sits on top of him as he lies back with his shirt off.
CRAZY CHARLIZE: I'm going to castrate you because men are pigs and I want to be queen.
KING MAGNUS: But I've only known you for half a day, how could this possibly happ ---
She stabs him to death. The king's daughter sees all of this. CHARLIZE grabs her and locks her in a dungeon.
FADE TO BLACK
CHRYON: FIFTEEN YEARS LATER
INT. CASTLE - MIRROR ROOM - DAY
CRAZY CHARLIZE observes herself in a large golden mirror.
CRAZY CHARLIZE: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
MIRROR: Kristen Stewart.
CRAZY CHARLIZE: Seriously?
CRAZY CHARLIZE: How could she possibly be considered hotter than me?
MIRROR: She's incredibly off-putting, and her constant suicidal behavior helps to give off the vibe that she'd be an easy lay.
CRAZY CHARLIZE: But my skin is perfect! I bathe in a pool of milk!
MIRROR: But she has the emotional range of a piece of wood, and she truly believes that keeping her mouth open for a long period of time will convince others she's thinking. She wins.
CRAZY CHARLIZE: Noooo! I shall overact for the rest of the movie! BROTHER!
A man enters wearing a ridiculous toupee. This is CRAZY CHARLIZE's brother. I recognize him from his guest spot as a soldier on the BBC drama series Luther. So for this script, we will call him by his character name on that show. . .
CRAZY CHARLIZE (cont'd): Your haircut is fabulous.
OWEN LYNCH: Yes, you were right, sister. Putting a bowl over my head and just cutting wildly definitely makes it harder for others to view me as some kind of creepy pedophile.
CRAZY CHARLIZE: I want you to kill Snow White! But first, just to make sure we don't screw this up, bring down that girl we just picked up the other day. You know, the one who really isn't important to the story and would allow the main person to escape rather easily.
Without warning, CHARLIZE THERON drops her robe, standing completely naked in front of her brother. She turns her back on him, revealing a very plump hiney. She makes her way for a Jacuzzi filled with vitamin D milk.
CRAZY CHARLIZE (cont'd): It really does do a body good. Now watch as I bathe in front of you, brother.
OWEN LYNCH: I might get excited if I didn't have a thing for socially awkward, sexually-repressed teenage girls.
The little girl has grown up. Her hair is long,covering the left side of her face, which is supposed to make her look voluptuous, but really, it just looks as if she's done a ton of heroin. It's her. The one we've been waiting for. The only human being on the planet capable of matching the beauty of Charlize Theron. It is, of course. . .
She appears to be gasping for air. She does this for several minutes. Eventually, we realize that she just enjoys keeping her mouth open. This will occur for the duration of the film.
A prominent CLICK. KRISTEN STEWART turns, startled. She heads for her door, peeks through the square hole. The back of another girl's head is visible. It's long, soft, orange.
KRISTEN STEWART: Who are you?
The girl turns around. Her name is. . .
THE GIRL FROM THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS: They're going to suck the beauty right out of my face!
KRISTEN STEWART: Hmm. We're using that word rather liberally in this movie, huh?
THE GIRL FROM THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS: I'm not really sure why you've been here 15 years longer and they never thought to do it to you, but whatevs. Let's be besties!
OWEN LYNCH arrives at the girl's door.
OWEN LYNCH: Guard, take her down.
He does. OWEN LYNCH turns to KRISTEN STEWART now. He licks his lips, then opens the door. KRISTEN immediately falls on her bed, putting her arms under a pillow. It's obvious she has some kind of object, but OWEN doesn't seem to realize it.
OWEN LYNCH: I don't quite think your underage, but I'll try my best.
He leans in. KRISTEN slashes his face with a sharp object she's managed to conceal for years. She runs out of the room. . .
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
And into THE GIRL FROM THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS, who appears to be wearing some kind of latex mask. This is meant to act as aging makeup.
THE GIRL FROM THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS: It didn't take her very long.
KRISTEN STEWART: Come with me.
THE GIRL FROM THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS: No. It's much more dramatic if I stay.
An army of guards chases KRISTEN out of the castle.
INT. MIRROR ROOM
CRAZY CHARLIZE appears to be talking to the wall.
CRAZY CHARLIZE: Who is Tyler Durden? I'm Tyler Durden. The first rule of fight club is there is no fight club!
OWEN LYNCH enters. CRAZY CHARLIZE stops her one-woman conversation.
CRAZY CHARLIZE (cont'd): The director was never clear on if I'm bipolar or just melodramatic, so I'm compensating by periodically talking to myself and acting like I'm in a soap opera.
OWEN LYNCH: We have a director?
CRAZY CHARLIZE: Is Snow White dead? I figured I'd get the results I was hoping for if I wasn't physically there to witness what happened.
OWEN LYNCH lowers his head, shakes it pitifully. CRAZY CHARLIZE makes her way for him, slaps his face.
CRAZY CHARLIZE (cont'd; very Mommie Dearest-like): You let her slip through your skinny little fingers?! WHERE. IS. SHE?!?!?!
EXT. LATRINE - DAY
KRISTEN STEWART emerges from the town toilet. Miraculously, she has not a spot of fecal matter on her person. But, tragically, her hair is a wet mess.
Suddenly, she notices something. A white figure, resting, as if it were waiting for her. It's a gorgeous, majestic white stallion.
Naturally, KRISTEN doesn't question the ridiculousness of the situation. She smartly hops upon the beautiful animal and rides like a pro.
Of course, she's had years of practice, given all that room she had to train herself to ride horses in her 4 inch x 6 inch cell.
A giant of a man is kicked out of a local pub. He vomits, has trouble standing. He's soon surrounded by OWEN LYNCH and some extras.
OWEN LYNCH: You're emotionally unstable, given the death of your wife and your obvious alcohol addiction. The queen has decided you are the most logical choice to track a teenager riding the only white horse in town.
The drunk man looks up at OWEN, smiles. He is a seasoned hunter, obviously good with women (again, he allowed his wife to be killed), and sure knows how to wield a hammer. We all know him best as. . .
THOR: I agree, but only if the queen gives me her word that she will magically bring my dead wife back to life. And seeing as how she promised to marry a king and then immediately killed him and imprisoned his daughter, I will believe her fully.
OWEN LYNCH, THOR and a couple of extras begin to leave when a young man stops them. He's wearing a hood and clutching some arrows. Henceforth, he will simply be known as. . .
BOY FROM EARLIER IN THE MOVIE: I shoot arrows and kill people and you can trust me.
OWEN LYNCH: Somebody kill him.
The extras take their time carrying out this wish. BOY FROM EARLIER IN THE MOVIE shoots one of them with an arrow.
OWEN LYNCH (cont'd): This boy is clearly one of us. No background check required.
EXT. THE DARK FOREST - NIGHTISH
The men find KRISTEN STEWART tangled up in some tree branches.
OWEN LYNCH: Let's all take turns killing her! There's the possibility of necrophilia later, for all those that are interested. I call first dibs.
KRISTEN STEWART (to Thor): Look at his horrible wig! He's obviously evil!
THOR (to Owen): Is that true?
OWEN (to Thor): Of course it's true! We're killing a teenager, you drunk! Also, we can't resurrect your dead wife! Haha! Sorry.
THOR, enraged, retrieves a huge hunting knife and begins killing a few extras before attempting to kill OWEN LYNCH.
OWEN LYNCH (cont'd): Knives cannot kill me, fool!
OWEN LYNCH magically disappears. THOR grabs KRISTEN and begins heading deeper into the woods. KRISTEN and BOY FROM EARLIER IN THE MOVIE exchange some dreamy glances before he decides to leave.
KRISTEN and THOR continue making some headway until an animal trap pulls their legs from under them and leaves them both hanging upside down from a tree.
It is here that we see a group of dwarves. One of them steps forward. He appears to be in a constant state of oblivious happiness. We've seen this actor before, once as Captain Hook's right hand man in Hook. This is. . .
DWARF SMEE: It's the princess. I can tell!
The other dwarves don't seem so sure.
Two of them move next to DWARF SMEE, skepticism written all over their faces.
The leader has a bit of potty mouth, and the other doesn't appear to be speaking English (the rest are fairly irrelevant).
DWARF RAY WINSTONE: Smallkngapsolkngasgaslk?
DWARF AL SWEARENGEN: Exactly. This isn't f----ing Deadwood, you f---ing c---ksuckers! How the f--k do you know this loopy c--- is Snow f---ing White?
DWARF SMEE: The director wasn't really clear on if I should play like I'm happily blind or mentally handicapped, but I'm shooting for the former, and since I don't have actual sight, I compensate for superior insight. Get it? It's clever.
DWARF RAY WINSTONE: Llmklnadfoakljdaflkna!
The dwarves cut THOR and KRISTEN down and begin celebrating. KRISTEN even tries to enjoy herself by dancing, but her inability to convincingly display genuine emotion keeps her from truly indulging herself.
The dwarves lead the pair to a spot in the forest where birds sing, flowers suddenly start blossoming and, in the very center of the woods, a majestic white deer appears out of nowhere.
Suddenly, the deer is impaled by an arrow, and he evaporates. This is meant to be sad, but given the undeniable irrelevance of the animal in the first place, no one really cares.
Out of the bushes pops BOY FROM EARLIER IN THE MOVIE. He and KRISTEN continue their weird staredown.
OWEN LYNCH pops up, too. He and THOR begin fighting.
OWEN LYNCH: By the way, I killed your wife. I'm telling you this now, knowing it won't fill you with the rage you need to actually kill me.
THOR, enraged, stabs OWEN in the stomach.
OWEN LYNCH (cont'd): I told you! Knives do nothing!
THOR: What if I push you really hard into a tree?
He does. OWEN LYNCH dies.
KRISTEN and BOY FROM EARLIER IN THE MOVIE take a romantic walk through a blizzard.
BOY FROM EARLIER IN THE MOVIE: I had a crush on you as a kid, and I'm obviously the same guy, so let's bang. But first. . .
He hands KRISTEN an apple. She bites it, then backs away, appearing to entice him. From our perspective, it just looks as if she's deciding on whether she should disrobe or urinate standing up.
Suddenly, she begins foaming at the mouth. She falls to the ground, the apple rolling dramatically across the ground. Perhaps the apple played some part here? Hmm. . .
BOY FROM EARLIER IN THE MOVIE morphs into CRAZY CHARLIZE. THOR, the actual BOY FROM EARLIER IN THE MOVIE and a couple of dwarves rush in.
CRAZY CHARLIZE changes into some birds and flies away.
INT. SOME PLACE - NIGHT
KRISTEN, appearing to be dead with ten minutes left in the film, lies motionless in an open casket. THOR approaches her.
THOR: This is the first time I've seen you with your mouth closed. I still love my dead wife, but since you're dead, too, I don't have any reservations about this.
He makes out with her face, then leaves. Not too soon after, KRISTEN's eyes open. She's okay!!
EXT. SOME PLACE - SAME
THOR, BOY FROM EARLIER IN THE MOVIE, the dwarves and an army with nothing better to do than stand around all sulk in unison. Then DWARF SMEE lifts his head, smiles and turns in the direction of KRISTEN STEWART.
She's alive, and walking through the crowd of men in what appears to be a see-through nightie. Nobody really reacts, mostly because nobody there knows who she is (or cares).
She stands on a stool in the middle of the crowd.
KRISTEN STEWART: I'm trying really hard to have my Braveheart moment, but I might have been miscast for this. I need help killing the queen, and I also need someone to put my hair in a ponytail so I don't charge into battle looking a hot mess.
She looks around. Somehow, she has the crowd.
KRISTEN STEWART (cont'd): I know how to kill her. Believe me, it's really, really unorthodox. I doubt any of you have ever tried or thought to try. You'll never guess it in a million years.
RANDOM MAN: Is it stabbing her with a regular knife?
KRISTEN STEWART: Yes.
EXT. BATTLEFIELD - DAY
Near a gorgeous view of the ocean, KRISTEN STEWART leads her army of men toward the queen's castle. Bombs go off. A lot of unimportant people die.
INT. CASTLE - MIRROR ROOM - LATER
KRISTEN finally confronts CRAZY CHARLIZE. After attempting to burn the evil queen, KRISTEN just stabs her, and it's all over.
INT. CHAPEL - SOME OTHER DAY
KRISTEN is being crowned after killing the queen without actually ever showing physical proof that she's the rightful heir to the thrown. A happy blind dwarf's word is apparently good enough for everyone.
THOR emerges dramatically from the back. KRISTEN notices him. BOY FROM EARLIER IN THE MOVIE makes eyes with her. She returns the favor.
Nobody actually does anything significant for the next three minutes.
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