More Funny Quotes
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.
-- Kathy Lette
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
-- Bob Hope
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
-- John Mendoza
One of my movies was called "True Lies." It's what the Democrats should have called their convention.
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
-- Dave Letterman
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
-- Milton Berle
Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
-- Joe Namath
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
-- Demetri Martin
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
-- Bill Cosby
Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.
-- Leslie Nielsen
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
-- Jerome K Jerome
Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.
-- Sam EwingThey've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
-- Milton Berle
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-- Noel Coward
Always drink upstream from the herd.
-- Will Rogers
Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.
-- Josh Billings
Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?
-- Benny Hill
The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night.
-- Otto von Bismarck
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint...a Saint Bernard!
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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