More Funny Quotes

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright 

A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry. 

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Albert Einstein

Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman. 
-- Kathy Lette

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. 
-- Bob Hope

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. 
-- John Mendoza

One of my movies was called "True Lies." It's what the Democrats should have called their convention. 
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material. 
-- Dave Letterman

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. 
-- Milton Berle

Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.' 
-- Joe Namath

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. 
-- Demetri Martin

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. 
-- Bill Cosby

Doing nothing is very hard to never know when you're finished. 
-- Leslie Nielsen

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. 
-- Jerome K Jerome

Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf. 
-- Sam EwingThey've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. 
-- Milton Berle

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 
-- Noel Coward

Always drink upstream from the herd. 
-- Will Rogers

Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take. 
-- Josh Billings

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born? 
-- Benny Hill

The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night. 
-- Otto von Bismarck

To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Benjamin Franklin

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint...a Saint Bernard!

Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

More by this Author

  • My Favorite Hobby is Gardening

    Although gardening is only one of My Passions. It is up in the top categories. I have many hobbies, I also love companion planting. I love to take a bare area in my yard and make it beautiful or more interesting....

  • Best Denture Adhesive

    If nothing else I could only hope to empower & inspire those who feel hopeless to know they are not alone and there are some things you can do on your own to help.

  • Staph Infections

    Staph Infection left unchecked can be very Serious and even fatal. Here are a few tips on how to care for a staph infection and a brief explanation of what staph is

Feel free to leave me a comment :) 2 comments

Gemsong profile image

Gemsong 7 years ago from Richmond, Virginia

These are so funny. My stomach hurts from laughing. This is your fault.

Envoy profile image

Envoy 7 years ago from USA Author

lol ha hah ha my objective has been met then ;)

I am glad you enjoyed them I could not stop laughing either!

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.

    Click to Rate This Article