Movie Review: "Battleship" (2012)

1 out of 5 stars from 1 rating of Battleship
The only thing missing in this game of "Battleship" is a little square with Rihanna's face in it.
The only thing missing in this game of "Battleship" is a little square with Rihanna's face in it. | Source

DISCLAIMER: This review may contain spoilers.

Those of you who may be confusing "Battleship" with the 'Transformers' movies, I'm not surprised. It looks like a Michael Bay film and the aliens look just like the robots themselves. But the truth is that it's no better than that series of films, it's actually much worse.

The film stars Taylor Kitsch as Alex Hopper, a slacker whose brother, Stone Hopper (Alexander Skarsgard), is the exact opposite (i.e. He's in the navy). Alex tries to impress a girl named Samantha (Brooklyn Decker) in one of the stupidest ways ever which gets him arrested.

Come to find out, Samantha is the daughter of Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson) who happens to be Stone's superior officer. All this upsets Stone so he forces his brother to join the navy and make something of himself.

While all this is going on, NASA finds an Earth-like planet and transmits a communications signal from Hawaii. Fast forward a few years later, Alex has moved up to Lieutenant in the navy and is now in a relationship with Samantha. Eventually, five or so alien ships arrive in the waters surrounding Hawaii and for some reason set up a force field around the Hawaiian islands. Why they do this I have no idea.

However this is the so-called plot that the board game-turned-movie bases itself upon. Why aliens? Another good question. Possibly because "The Hunt for Red October" is not likely to bring in the box office numbers from today's special audiences.

Speaking of board games being turned into movies, I can't wait for the film version of "Monopoly" which is reported to be helmed by Ridley Scott (WTF?).

I'm also looking forward to reviewing the film version of "Candy Land" which is being spearheaded by Adam Sandler as we speak. I was kind of hoping that director Tim Burton would take helm of the project, that way Johnny Depp could once again don that clown outfit he's been wearing for the past decade and Helena Boham Carter could put her two cents of a role in (like she usually does), but Adam Sandler will do.

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Transformers and Power Rangers?

These alien invasion flicks are getting to be very annoying lately, mostly due to their lack of originality. I can't say that I'm going to give the filmmakers of "Battleship" props for designing cool spaceships and aliens. Nope.

The spaceships in "Battleship" resemble the Transformers robots but on water. As for the aliens themselves? They wear some type of sunlight-proof spacesuit that makes them look like a high tech version of the Power Rangers. Underneath the suit are bald-headed humanoid faces with black eyes and sharp, pointy beards.

Gee, way to go for the art department behind this movie! And I thought the aliens in "Battle: Los Angeles" looked stupid.

Starring Rihanna

The sleazy marketing tricks behind "Battleship" stick out like a sore thumb. For one thing, Rihanna stars in this movie and she plays 'one of' the crew members. Her role is very small and only consists of less than a dozen lines or so, yet I've seen her character (if you want to call it that) exploited on some of the TV commercial spots for "Battleship".

Strange, isn't it? Even worse, there's actually a poster of the movie with Rihanna on it, front and center at that. To top it all off, they made additional 'character' posters for the rest of the cast to make it seem like the studio is not trying so hard to exploit Rihanna's involvement in the film. Nice try, but the character poster trick only works well for superhero flicks.

In addition, I know this has come up a few times before in my previous reviews (i.e. Ashanti in "Resident Evil: Extinction") but it seems that this is a reoccurring problem in today's films so I'll have to cover it yet again. Like I said, Rihanna's role is relatively small and her lines mostly consist of reaction dialogue that a two year old could write, such as:

"Get out now!"

"Run!"

"Come on!"

"Haha, you got played."

"What is that?"

Those lines may not be the exact quotes, but they're pretty darn close and give you an idea of what I'm referring to. This role could have easily gone to somebody who just graduated out of UCLA or NYFA with a major in acting, but no, they decided to give it to a singer with zero experience in the craft just so they can make a few extra million bucks off of her fans.

Now, I may not have a bachelors degree in marketing or anything, but I can definitely figure out when Hollywood advertising is up to no good. Why on Earth would one bother to show off Rihanna's role when she doesn't even do anything significant in the movie to begin with?

Isn't that kind of like tricking her fanbase in a way? See, the idea is that by having Rihanna in this film, her fans will go see the movie, thus increasing box office sales. But she's not a major character and only has a few lines, the only significant role she has in "Battleship" is in its advertising and nothing more.

Don't get me wrong, her acting sucks to begin with, but what I'm trying to get across is that Beyonce had an important role in "The Pink Panther" so it made sense that we saw a good amount of her in the previews, etc. But Rihanna in "Battleship"? It's the complete opposite. It would be different if Rihanna was playing Brooklyn Decker's role of the love interest, the acting would still be a problem, but at least you can forgive them for marketing her.

Board Game: The Movie

How's about we end the suspense? Let's give Hollywood ideas for all board game films so that they can make them and get it over with. Let's put an end to this awful trend within the next 2-3 years. Ready? I'll start…

Sorry: The Movie

This would probably be a stupid college sports competition movie. A college kid tries to save the 'Animal House' fraternity of the campus by conjuring up his own way/set of rules to compete with the other frat houses -- a game called 'Sorry'. The board game will be played out on the campus itself.

Connect 4: The Movie

A teenager learns that a fortune is buried in his backyard when he digs up a series of yellow and red coins, but he's not the only one who is searching for it. Will he and his friends find it before the other party does?

Scrabble: The Movie

The school's worst student and smartest teacher find themselves taken hostage when they end up knee deep in drug trafficking. Locked in a room with a dictionary, some blank paper, and nothing better to do, the teacher challenges the student's wits and intellect.

Chess: The Movie

I think this movie was already made... perhaps under the title "Independence Day"? Or maybe it will be some stupid medieval movie.

Random Things That Make No Sense

  • Why is it that the signal that we send out into space which the aliens receive looks like a laser beam? Isn't it supposed to be a communications signal? It's not like it's the Death Star weapon.
  • Why is a man lecturing to a room full of NASA people about what a habitable planet is? What is this, Kindergarden?

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Comments 6 comments

FatFreddysCat profile image

FatFreddysCat 4 years ago from The Garden State

Way to take a bullet by sitting thru this movie, S. I've had several people ask me if I was going to review "Battleship" and my response was "Hell no. There's some @#$% that even I won't eat."


SPomposello profile image

SPomposello 4 years ago from NY Author

Freddy, lol, I hear you. But once I heard that someone in Hollywood actually *thought* that Rihanna could act and put her in a movie, I couldn't resist this opportunity.


landscapeartist profile image

landscapeartist 4 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Awesome hub and equally awesome review of what other board games turned movies would be like. I had to laugh at a couple of them. Still I will most likely watch the movie anyway just to see how bad of an actress Rihanna is.

Thanks again and voted up.


josh3418 profile image

josh3418 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

What an awful movie, thanks for your review! Enjoyed it, voted up and interesting!


Steve Orion profile image

Steve Orion 4 years ago from Tampa, Florida

I was interested for a split second in the film until I read one review, then another, and now yours. After my quest to find if this film is worth the time, I've come to the conslusion that this, believe it or not, is a SKIP with a capital S,K,I, and P.

I did enjoy your potential films based on other board games! You might be on to something, from here we can do spin-offs involving other games like Hangman, where you are actually hanged if you can't get the word right, or Eye-Spy, but there is a Shamalanian twist at the end where you have to play blindfolded!


Stevennix2001 profile image

Stevennix2001 3 years ago

Another couple of board games in development for feature films is monopoly and jenga, as Hasbro made it official recently on clever movies news, so you can expect to hear about those movies coming soon.

As for this film, I thought it was stupid, but it's a guilty pleasure movie to watch. It's a stupid film that's so stupid that it's funny to laugh at; ala "Batman: The Movie." lol. Anyways, keep up the good work.

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