Movie Review: "The Pink Panther" (2006)

DISCLAIMER: This review may contain spoilers.

2006 really was a bad year for movies. We had "The Omen" remake, the "Poseidon" remake, "Snakes on a Plane", "Step Up", and your's truly, "The Pink Panther" remake. This is one of those films you look at and wonder 'God, what were they thinking?'

I'll give you two hints, it comes in the color green and there's plenty of it. Think about it. Steve Martin plays Inspector Clouseau this time around, the role which Peter Sellers (may God rest his soul) did wonders with. Kevin Kline plays his boss, Chief Inspector Dreyfus, a role which Herbert Lom had portrayed perfectly.

Jean Reno plays some boring cop buddy of Clouseau's who joins him in the case. Speaking of the case, if you haven't watched any of the original 'Pink Panther' films, the plot basically involves around a mystery person stealing the Pink Panther diamond and the dim-witted Inspector Clouseau must retrieve it.

And Beyonce Knowles also stars in this as... well... herself? I guess? Her character is supposed to be important to the plot, but her portrayal doesn't really convey this. It feels more shallow, kind of like just another pretty face that got shoved in front of the camera. She plays the international pop star wife of some famous guy (Jason Statham) who dies in the beginning so that the mystery villain could steal the diamond from him.

"The Pink Panther" remake is one of those movies that require you to have a bottle of Prozac and some liquor handy while watching it, because there's no other way you're going to sanely make it through the movie without them. Seriously, it's that bad.

This is perhaps the biggest problem with "The Pink Panther" remake -- the cast itself. As much I love Steve Martin, he simply can't pull off Peter Sellers' role. You could cast Jay-Z in the role and the result would probably be the same (or worse, oh Lord), but then they might have to re-title it as "The Pink Rapper".

What's even worse is Kevin Kline's performance as Clouseau's boss, Chief Inspector Dreyfus; this guy has nothing, absolutely nothing on Herbert Lom. I never got the impression that Dreyfus had an obsessive hatred for Clouseau in this film, it felt a lot more genuine with Herbert Lom. And let's not forget Jean Reno; man, he is just sleepwalking through his role in this one. Oh and where the heck is Kato if this is a 'Pink Panther' remake!?

Now, onto the big one... Why the heck is Beyonce in this movie? Were they scared that a 'Pink Panther' remake couldn't hold its own? I guess the Steve Martin and Kevin Kline fans were not going to bring in the kind of box office numbers they were expecting with the Beyonce fans. Well, I can understand that but it just comes off as a cheap marketing trick and it's morally disgusting.

And what is her role in "The Pink Panther"? An international pop star? Wow, you don't say! Well, she's definitely no Judy Garland, that's for sure. Nope, not even close. Seriously, what stupid idiot thought of "The Pink Panther" remake and Beyonce in the same sentence? That's the most mind-boggling part to me.

Ah yes, the stupid gay dance scene with Steve Martin and Jean Reno. During the end of the film, Beyonce is performing at a high-end party where the real jewel thief happens to be hanging out. Clouseau and his buddy sneak in wearing skintight zentai-like suits in an attempt to catch the thief.

However, they get caught by a security guard. Clouseau's love interest shows up just in the nick of time and tells him that they are Beyonce's back-up dancers. So, to give Beyonce fans something stupid to laugh at, the guard tells them to prove it... and they start dancing to Beyonce's song.

Again, why is this in a 'Pink Panther' film? It's as if the producers said: "Ah, well, I guess we need a scene where Beyonce sings a song and some people dance to it."

This scene is so baffling and out of place here, I could understand it's importance if it were in a film like "The Pink Rapper", but not here. And it's not because I'm racist either, I've seen more than enough professional black actresses before this wannabe even picked up a script.

• Discard Beyonce. She is a big no-no when it comes to acting in movies period. Lock her in a recording studio where she belongs.
• This movie needs actors that can deliver performances that are equally as good as their original counterparts. Simple as that.