Movie Review: "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1" (2011)
DISCLAIMER: This review may contain spoilers (unless you're so blind that you couldn't see the plot twists coming in this film).
Don't you just miss when vampires were actually interesting and scary? Movies like "Bram Stoker's Dracula", "The Lost Boys", and "Interview with a Vampire" come to mind. Well, it seems all of that has been traded in for pretty boy model types with sparkling eyes, hairless bodies, crappy CGI effects, cookie-cutter plots akin to an episode of "Dawson's Creek", and brain-dead female protagonists.
What has Stephanie Meyer done to the vampire genre? Lord help us all. While Michael Bay is busy turning the action genre upside down on its head, Stephanie Meyer might as well be his female half. The two of them are no better than the other. The latest turd-fest in this series (which is soon coming to an end, thank God) is "Breaking Dawn, Part 1".
The story this time follows the marriage of Edward and Bella as well as the life they live after marriage. That's pretty much it, yep, that's the story in a nutshell. I must say that it's so easy to view this film as a comedy -- From the expressions on Edward's face all the time, the CGI talking wolves, to the various failed attempts at drama.
Boring Dawn, Part 1
I'm confused. This is a vampire story, isn't it? Yet, themes of marriage and pregnancy dominate most of the film. Seriously, nearly an hour into "Breaking Dawn, Part 1" and all we've seen so far is your typical run-of-the-mill expensive wedding and a honeymoon. An HOUR. Most of the "action", if you want to call it that, doesn't happen until the last fifteen minutes of the film, and everything before that is just a bunch of boring talk and cheesy dialogue. It doesn't sound like Stephanie Meyer is breaking any dawn here.
Meyer's desperate attempts to expand on her initial concept in "Twilight" are extremely laughable, especially in this fourth entry. For starters, how funny does a vampire bachelor party sound? No joke, on the night before their wedding, Edward's vampire buddies take turns hopping up to the window to try and invite him out. It looked like something out of a vampire spoof.
Vampire weddings? Vampire bachelor parties? Vampire honeymoons? Vampire pregnancies? Can you say... ROFLMAO? Then Bella asks Edward if there's going to be any strippers, Edward coyly replies 'Just a bunch of [insert wild animal species here]'. So vampires spend their bachelor parties either eating wild animals or watching them strip naked. Very clever, Stephanie Meyer, very clever.
You know what? Taking all of this into consideration, I think "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1" has been falsely advertised as a vampire movie. Instead, I believe the following preview is a better example of what to expect from the film:
The Real Trailer for "Breaking Dawn, Part 1"
She's Having a Baby
Following the stupid overblown wedding (which I thought would never come to an end), we focus on Bella's pregnancy. This whole idea is flawed from the get-go; for starters, why would vampires possess sperm that actually works? Aren't they dead? It would be one thing if the vampires were still alive like in "Lord of the Dead" or "Vampire Academy" but Meyer has made it very clear that the vampires in her universe are in fact dead.
And you thought Michael Douglas was an idiot. Even after Bella marries Edward, she's STILL leading poor Jacob on. You would think that after she fully committed to this man in a marriage that she would leave Jacob alone, but no...
Jacob: Don't smile at me like I'm your favorite person in the world.
Bella: You're one of them.
What a great role model, she's married and still teasing the other guy. I bet she loves the attention. Bella obviously wants to eat her cake and then some. I'm sorry, but pick one of them and stick with him. Speaking of role models, I'd also like to point out that abstinence before marriage doesn't quite fit the bill when you're only nineteen years old and marrying someone you haven't known for a long time (let alone lived with beforehand).
Homeward Bound: The Twilight Journey
This scene literally takes the icing on the cake for the comedy in "Breaking Dawn, Part 1". Frustrated, Jacob transforms into his CGI werewolf self and runs through the forest where he meets up with his CGI wolf pack. They all have an angry discussion that is depicted through over-the-top voiceovers.
I'm actually surprised their mouths didn't move to match the voiceovers themselves. Were they too lazy to add this effect in? It's not like they ran out of money, because they sure did a bootleg job on the CGI effects, so it can't be that. Either way, this is one of the most hilarious scenes in "Breaking Dawn, Part 1", I thought I was watching the special ed version of "Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey" for a second.
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