10 Successful Ways to Crash a Party

Have you ever been sitting in your living room or den, relaxing with a little television for the evening and the entertainment segment of your evening news rolls a story about some famous celebrity throwing his pals an expensive party with anyone who’s anyone shows up and you are irritated at what makes this character any more special than you?

Actually nothing. All this celebrity has is loads of dough, three Rolls Royce cars, four houses spread throughout the United States and more girlfriends than he can count. That’s all.

You, on the other hand, work from 40 to 70 hours a week and you are on a salary so no matter how many hours you work, you are only paid for 40 hours. What a dead-end life you lead.

So, after a few more drinks of straight Scotch, you decide you have had enough. You are a man of action. And you are about to do something about this idea of only famous people being invited to such parties as you have seen on the news.

And since you reside in New York, finding a celebrity party is not hard. You drive around for a few hours and suddenly in the distance you see it. A long line of people who are “dressed to the nines,” and looking pretty snooty. Yes, you have stumbled upon one of those parties you remember from the news. Your heart is beating as fast as a prize Kentucky racehorse.

You park your car in a discreet place. You straighten your tie and only good suit that you own and you are off to “crash” this party only out of spite to show the star who is throwing this huge party that you are as good as he is.

To give you credit, your ability to use fast-talking (since you work as a used car salesman) gets you past the long line of people. The two burly security guards actually believe that you are ex-NFL great, Terry Bradshaw and do not stop you from going straight to the festivities.

What a smooth operator, you think to yourself as you take a glass of champagne from a waiter whose uniform costs more than your pants and you are feeling pretty good about yourself. You even wink at a few pretty girls who are only there to make the single male movie star look good. Yes, you have accomplished the impossible. You have scored an entrance to a high-class celebrity party.

Upon starting your second glass of champagne, you feel a pair of strong hands on the back of your cheap pants. And another pair of strong hands on your shoulders. Now you are stunned.

“Hey, what’s going on? I am Terry Bradshaw. I played for the Steelers for Pete’s sake,” you bark as these same two burly security guards are making an example out of you to anyone else who may be inside the party without an invitation.

As these intimidating security guards drag you across the dance floor, the band stops playing. All of the guests stop to laugh at you as you are looking pretty foolish as the guards toss you to the sidewalk as if you were a bag of potatoes.

You screwed up, my friend. Big time.

You did not know my “Ten Successful Ways to Crash a Celebrity Party.” Read and learn.

1. Spend a little money on a few plastic surgery upgrades to your “Average Joe,” face. Try to pick a celebrity-looking face that will fool most under-educated security guards. Tell your plastic surgeon to make you look as close to Andy Rooney as possible and with the white suit you also buy, you are a cinch to get inside the next upper class party.

2. Actually propose a monetary-deal to an up and coming male celebrity to take you along to the next big party and with the $500 dollars you gave him, he will be glad to say that you are his life partner and both of you get to be treated like royalty at the party you are crashing.

3. As you get to the mean-looking security guards, fake a heart attack and they have no choice but to carry you inside where you can lay down and rest. As they leave you to call the EMT’s, you lunge from the cot and hide yourself in the crowd of people who are drinking expensive liquor and talking. These boozed-up celebrities will not notice a common guy like you crouched down to avoid suspicion.

4. Dress like a Western Union messenger and you have an important telegram for the party host. Do some research first and find out who the host is. Of course when the security guards let you inside, you trash the fake Western Union uniform and blend in with the other dressed-up guests with the borrowed tux you are wearing underneath the fake costume.

5. Have your hot, sexy girl cousin, “Bubbles,” to flirt with the security guards while you slip by them and head to the drinking and dancing.

6. Let your pet chimp loose in front of the skyscraper apartment building where the elite party is being held and the guards will allow you to go inside because of your fake Animal Control of New York uniform you are wearing.

7. Throw some girly perfume into the eyes of the security guards. As they try to get the perfume out of their eyes, you have tons of time to run inside and hide and wait long enough before the guards give up and leave to change into a perfume-free uniform.

8. Take another paid girlfriend with you as you do the old “I am from the New York Times Routine.” Your girlfriend will be carrying an expensive camera. You even scan the New York Times to “borrow” some real names of two employees to use just in case the guards are smart enough to check out your story.

9. Say that you are Larry, the Cable Guy’s brother. Also say that Larry is inside waiting on you and if the guards get suspicious just look offended and say, “hey, go and check with Larry, but I warn you. He takes offense at his relatives being offended.”

10. Dress like a minister. Carry a Bible with you. Talk in a low, humble voice. Not many security guards will say no to a minster.

All you have to do now is have fun now that you know how to get an entrance to these celebrity parties.

And you might be interested in a future hub I am compiling entitled, “My 10 Successful Ways to Get Out of Jail.”