My Accidental Nude Beach Experience
Warning: No nudey pictures, just a funny story:
I should have known, back when I was 5 years old and still streaking through the neighborhood at which point my mom exhaustingly explained to the neighbors she just couldn't keep any clothes on me, that somehow my life's path would have a nude beach in store for me.
While my friends were getting roommates to save money on living expenses, I spent the extra money necessary to live by myself just so I could walk around nude whenever I pleased. At least I saved money by never owning pajamas or a bathrobe all that time.
I would have been an ideal nudist, but I didn't even know that culture existed, let alone nude beaches. I thought those things happened in foreign countries, like the French and their topless beaches. I live in the northwest, far from France, so I thought my dreams of visiting a nude beach were impossible and I was ok with that, after all, I had my own apartment to live out my nudist dream.
Let me continue my nude tale...One day, about 8 years ago, my ex-boyfriend whom I was/am still good friends with, asked me to go for a drive to this cool farm area he knew about on Sauvie Island, Oregon. He knew I loved fresh veggies and fruit and these farms were perfect for me. So off we go on our little trip and It was such a beautiful day. The quaint, yet trendy farms were all I had hoped for- I got fresh cut flowers and hand-picked some fruit.
After we were finished at the farms, we decided to take a drive further down the old country road that seemed to wind on forever until eventually it came to a narrow gravel road. On and on we went down this gravel road- we only continued because there were quite a few cars parked ahead in the distance so we're thinking there must be something going on or at least some sightseeing.
Finally, a sign caught my attention "Clothing optional area beyond these trees". We both looked at each other and he totally read my mind when he backed up and drove by the sign again in slow motioned disbelief. At this point, we figured we drove all that way so what the heck. We parked at the end of a row of cars and stifled our childish laughs (ok we couldn't stifle our laughs, but we tried). As we made our way through the trees, the main thought going through my head was I doubt anybody will actually be naked. I was initially right because we stepped into the clearing facing a beach and a romantic couple walking hand in and hand with bare feet- nothing else bare though. Disappointing but hey it was a nice beach so we walked on a little further.
WHOA! Naked was suddenly everywhere; playing volleyball, frolicking in the water, building sand castles, eating sandwiches (note to self: Nude sandwich eating- must try that someday). It was a bit overwhelming even for me the closet nudist, but suddenly I felt uncomfortably overdressed. It was a hot day and my ex-boyfriend had already seen me naked a billion times ( we were together 5 years), so again I say what the heck. I can't say I just tore off my clothes immediately, but rather a little came off at a time and we stayed nervously near the tall grass and shrubbery. Needless to say we did not pull off veteran nudists very well, we were definitely the obvious newbie nudists that day. I gotta say it's a lot easier being nude in your own apartment with the blinds closed. I thought I was queen of the castle in my apartment, but at this beach I was more like peasant prudist (prude nudist).
Once nude, we put our clothes down and sat on them (no sand in our cracks for us), still up near the shrubbery and tall grassy area. The conversation flowed, maybe better than ever because we were nude with no pretenses or expectations. It was surprisingly intoxicating to feel so free. Next time somebody says skydiving is a freeing experience, I'll just reply " yes, but have you been to a nude beach?"
However, there was a point where it got creepy because we noticed a man with dark sunglasses sitting near the beach, but facing opposite of the water and directly in our direction. Was he staring? Ewww gross! Even grosser, he blatantly got binoculars out and was definitely facing our direction. My ex-boyfriend began instinctively threatening to go down there and kick his ass for being so crude about staring at me.
As he intently walked toward this man, the man's binoculars exaggeratingly followed my ex-boyfriend's every move. Instantly I knew what was going on- I ran (this is a whole other interesting nude experience) and caught up with my ex and told him the man wasn't interested in looking at me, it was him who held his gaze. Suddenly the pieces fell into place, and the instant look of horror in my ex's expression was priceless. Now this was funny! Not for my ex as he's still a little squeamish about homosexuality.
My ex no longer wanted to fight this man for fear it might turn him gay or give him gay cooties(trust me, he thinks this way) so we simply walked past him as the man smiled at my ex and said "nice", ogling him up and down. I was laughing all the way back to our car and I'm sure others thought I was in hysterics because I was immature about the whole nude thing, well it was that too, but mostly our little joke.
And that was my accidental nude beach story. I learned that nude beaches are a safer adrenaline rush than skydiving, and also, men aren't very attractive when playing nude volleyball.
- Self-help Satire; How To Kick Your Own Ass
I think I'm going to write a self-help book titled "How To Kick Your Own Ass", because essentially that's what self-help is. You assume you need help and before you know it, you've read your first self-help...
- How To Write a Naughty Love Letter
The great thing about writing dirty is that some people feel uncomfortable or silly talking dirty and honestly texting dirty is impersonal and the abbreviations (text speak) just don't translate the same. As...
Another Funny Story
- My First Condom
Is anyone's first condom actually used for it's intended purpose or am I the only one that can think of 101 (other) ways to use one? Hmmm, that may be another hub! First, I want to tell you a story of my...
More by this Author
Is anyone's first condom actually used for it's intended purpose or am I the only one that can think of 101 (other) ways to use one? Hmmm, that may be another hub! First, I want to tell you a story of my first condom....
The only reason I have ever picked up a fashion magazine is to laugh at the ridiculous runway outfits that somebody somewhere makes big bucks to claim this monstrosity of an outfit to be in style. I know I don't live in...
I've lived through enough fashion trends to be OK with men wearing make-up, such as popular rock band, KISS or more recently Adam Lambert. I'm even physically turned on by the way thick black eyeliner highlights the...