My Impression Of Jeff Foxworthy

SUPER-COMEDIAN, JEFF FOXWORTHY.
SUPER-COMEDIAN, JEFF FOXWORTHY.
IF YOUR GIRL LOVES FOOD, AND I MEAN WITH A FIERY PASSION, 24-7, ON DATES, ALL THE TIME, SHE IS NOT THAT IN LOVE WITH YOU.
IF YOUR GIRL LOVES FOOD, AND I MEAN WITH A FIERY PASSION, 24-7, ON DATES, ALL THE TIME, SHE IS NOT THAT IN LOVE WITH YOU.
IF YOU INSIST ON LOOKING LIKE MOVIE STARS, SPENDING YOUR EVERY PENNY TO DO THIS, YOU ARE ABOUT TO LOSE YOUR GIRL WHO IS NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU AT ALL.
IF YOU INSIST ON LOOKING LIKE MOVIE STARS, SPENDING YOUR EVERY PENNY TO DO THIS, YOU ARE ABOUT TO LOSE YOUR GIRL WHO IS NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU AT ALL.
IF YOUR GIRL HAS HOT FRIENDS, EVEN HOT GUY FRIENDS, LOOK OUT. SHE MAY NOT BE THAT IN LOVE WITH YOU.
IF YOUR GIRL HAS HOT FRIENDS, EVEN HOT GUY FRIENDS, LOOK OUT. SHE MAY NOT BE THAT IN LOVE WITH YOU.
IF ALL YOUR GIRL TALKS ABOUT IS HER MAKE UP, ALL THE TIME, MISTER, YOUR GIRL IS NOT THAT IN LOVE WITH YOU.
IF ALL YOUR GIRL TALKS ABOUT IS HER MAKE UP, ALL THE TIME, MISTER, YOUR GIRL IS NOT THAT IN LOVE WITH YOU.
IF YOU DON'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOUR HAIR, THEN YOUR GIRL WILL SUDDENLY NOT BE IN LOVE WITH YOU, BUDDY.
IF YOU DON'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOUR HAIR, THEN YOUR GIRL WILL SUDDENLY NOT BE IN LOVE WITH YOU, BUDDY.
IF SHE LOVES TO READ--WHILE ON DATES WITH YOU, IN CAFES, AND BACK AT YOUR PLACE, SHE'S JUST NOT THAT IN LOVE WITH YOU.
IF SHE LOVES TO READ--WHILE ON DATES WITH YOU, IN CAFES, AND BACK AT YOUR PLACE, SHE'S JUST NOT THAT IN LOVE WITH YOU.
IF SHE YAWNS EVEN WHEN YOU ARE TELLING YOUR MOST HEART-TOUCHING STORIES, OR JUST YAWNS ALL THE TIME, SHE'S NOT THAT IN LOVE WITH YOU.
IF SHE YAWNS EVEN WHEN YOU ARE TELLING YOUR MOST HEART-TOUCHING STORIES, OR JUST YAWNS ALL THE TIME, SHE'S NOT THAT IN LOVE WITH YOU.
IF SHE GETS DRUNK, ALL THE TIME, EVEN WHEN SHE'S WITH YOU, OR ALLOWS YOU TO GET DRUNK, SHE'S JUST NOT THAT IN LOVE WITH YOU.
IF SHE GETS DRUNK, ALL THE TIME, EVEN WHEN SHE'S WITH YOU, OR ALLOWS YOU TO GET DRUNK, SHE'S JUST NOT THAT IN LOVE WITH YOU.

You can blame Jeff Foxworthy

for starting the famous, most-quoted, "you might be a redneck, if . . .," comedy routines. Probably 'the' funniest series of sayings ever to come off the lips of any comedian. Anywhere.

Did you also know that, and I feel like sharing a moment with you, I do a 'whale of an impression of Foxworthy? True. And I mean to read this piece, and then read the same piece, word-for-word by Jeff Foxworthy, you couldn't tell the difference. No, I am totally-serious. I have held-out on you for some time, and well, today I felt an urge to just come clean and let the 'chips fall where they may.'

TO THE LADIES OF OUR READERSHIP: Are you currently dating a guy and for some annoying reason, he has either trust issues, or he just don't believe that you are in love with him? Those types of guy can be a 'pain in the neck,' and I am thankful that when I was dating pretty girls, I was too carried-away with their company to ask such stupid questions.

TO THE GUYS OF OUR READERSHIP: Are you one of the guys mentioned in the above paragraph? Do you drive your 'honey,' nuts asking her everyday, "are you in love with me?" and even on dates, in front of everyone, "do you still love me?" comes out of your mouth? Let me ask you this, "are you completely nuts?" This is a sure-fire way to lose the girl of your dreams. Or the girl of my dreams. Stop it. If you can. Girls cannot stand a man who is insecure. Timid. And overly-shy.

So, with my impression of Jeff Foxworthy, I am going to present, just for you, guys, who mentally suffer about "if" your girl is still in love with you, a piece I like to call . . .

Eight Ways To Know If She Is Just Not That In Love With You Anymore

and guys, please pay heed to these dynamite, hard-hitting, socially-significant, statements that can mean your happiness or being alone. Again.

#1. If she eats more than you do, all of the time. Round the clock. On dates. Back at your apartment. She is never satisfied, well, pal, she may not be that in love with you anymore.

#2. (TO YOU, GUYS): If you value your looks more than you value your relationship with her, then YOU are headed to "Lonesome Town," on the next train out.

#3. If your girlfriend loves to have a 'girls' night out,' more than being with you, then she may not be that in love with you anymore.

#4. If she's constantly checking her make up, talking about make up, showing you her make up, and trying to get you to try her new make up at the cosmetics counter at JC Penney's, then friend, she is not that in love with you. And if she insists on changing her name from Susie, to Maybelline, you definitely have a lonely heart in your near future. Yours.

#5. If YOUR Hair, guys, means more to you than speaking soft, tender things to her, then don't blame her for walking. Away from you. Forever.

#6. If your hot girlfriend loves to read--all of the time, at home, in your apartment, on dates, in restaurants, while you are talking to her, then I must say, she is not that in love with you anymore.

#7. Does your sweetie yawn most of the time? Even when she's out on the town with you? And it's not a sleep-related problem? Could be, Jack, that she is bored out of her mind . . .with YOU. And not that in love with you that much. EXAMPLE: You are about to 'pop the big question,' to her. You get on your knees in front of everyone in a plush New York Art Museum, even with a $45,000.00 ring in hand, and you start your proposal and suddenly, her mouth flies open and then again with the yawns. Friend, take the ring back to Zale's and kiss your future with "sleeping beauty," goodbye.

#8. If she loves to get drunk. Ripped. Wasted. Alone. With you. Or anyone else. And even insists on you loving to drink as much as she does, do me a favor, DO NOT LET HER DRIVE HOME. ANYWHERE. JUST DON'T LET HER DRIVE. And look for another girlfriend. This cutie loves booze more than you's.

Guys, did you get all of that? Think you can absorb these eight 'monster' signs that your girl is not that in love with you anymore? Great. I wish all of you my very best in the "love arena," and I'd love for you now, to put your hands together, and give it up for Mr. Jeff Foxworthy, who would get a kick out of this story, but I am not going to just "give" it to him.

No, sir. I will negotiate a huge deal with him and his comedian buddies and after the deal is closed, all of you who follow my adventures and I will board a 767 in Atlanta, Georgia, and not with Jeff Foxworthy, I might add, and fly to beautiful Palm Springs for three weeks of relaxation, great food, and getting to hear ME, doing my in-person, stand-up impression of Foxworthy all for FREE.

Sound good?


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Comments 21 comments

V Qisya 5 years ago

Awesome and so true!! I love it esp when it says if he insists on looking like a movie star. Yeah, that kind of guy do turn me off ;D


carolyn a. ridge profile image

carolyn a. ridge 5 years ago

I love this! I am a hard person to make smile or laugh while reading, but I actually did both, while reading this. Great job. You are absolutely correct: cannot be insecure, timid, or overly-shy. I also endorse all 8 tips. Even Foxworthy would be impressed, but you're right, you can't just "give it to him". The last time I saw him was at a banquet in Austin, Texas. Either he was super funny, or I knew that this event would soon be over! (voted up and funny!)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

" . . .Thank YOU, Sincerely," V., for that sweet comment. Glad that you stopped by for this visit. Please keep in touch and KNOW that I appreciate and value your comments. Happy Holidays, "V." Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear carolyn, "I SINCERELY Appreciate your comments." "And thank you too for endorsing my "tips," and the votes. I do not deserve such outpouring of your kindness and I am serious. These gestures are so sweet. I shall not forget them. Or you. Hey, please visit often when you have time. Im always home, so to speak and have a Wonderful Thanksgiving, Carolyn. Regards, Kenneth


oldandwise 5 years ago

Great hub~voted up


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, oldandwise, (LOVE THAT NAME), THANKS SO MUCH! I appreciate it, greatly! Visit with me anytime and stay as long as you like. Next time I will try to have some fresh coffee on or some hot cocoa. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. KENNETH


laurathegentleman profile image

laurathegentleman 5 years ago from Chapel Hill, NC

I love this. It's official. "if she insists on changing her name from Susie, to Maybelline, you definitely have a lonely heart in your near future." Laughing from start to end!


Nelly A. profile image

Nelly A. 5 years ago

Wow! This hub really made my night! I was smiling from the 3rd paragraph to end while reading this. They're oh soooo funny. "and trying to get you to try her new make up at the cosmetics counter at JC Penney's," LOL! Thanks for this, really! Guess I have to post this on my FB wall.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

11/23

Hello, laurathegentleman . . ."A SINCERE THANK YOU for the warm comment." That made my morning, here at 11:02 a.m./cst. And I could have posted more tips, but "Eight was Enough," pardon the pundage of the old ABC sitcom with Dick Van Patten of the 80's. Thanks too for the lovely visit. KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, My New Friend, Nelly A.!

Today is Nov. 23, at 11:04 a.m/cst and I just want to say THANKS A MILLION FOR THE SUPPORTIVE remark! That, YOU laughing, is why I do these hubs. Honest. And my goal is this: I am a simple man with a simple mind on a simple mission: to make as many people smile (on and off hubs) as possible before my life comes to an end." This way, I feel that my life was worth something. To someone. Thanks again, Nelly. Stay longer next time. Happy Thanksgiving to you. Regards, KENNETH


always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

I got a kick out of this. Most of his quotes are true..HaHa Thank you for laughs..


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

11/23

Hi, always exploring! Thank YOU kindly for this remark that made me feel all warm inside. Honest to God. You are welcome for the laughs, but say a thanks to God, from whom all blessings flow. Okay? Have a peaceful Thanksgiving my dear friend. KENNETH


Sueswan 5 years ago

Hi Kenneth

Great hub my friend. I love Jeff Foxworthy.

Talking about girls reading, a guy I knew many years ago once told me that he dated a girl who would be reading a book while they were having sex.

Voted up, up and away!

Have a good evening. :-)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

LOL, Susan! Thanks for the comment and surprise and needed-laugh! I wish I could interview that guy. What a story. And I appreciate the votes also, Dear Susan! And YOU, rest, relax and know that Friday is tomorrow. Peace and keep a good thought. Kenneth


Sueswan 5 years ago

Hi Kenneth,

I keep a lot of good thoughts when I think of you. :-)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

11-24-2011, 11:24 p.m./cst

Dearest Susan, WOW! Heart stopping-comment. I am not able to express adequate thanks to you for this sweet remark that made me smile. Rest good and have a Great Friday, Susan. Be careful and enjoy yourself. Thanks so MUCH for Your visits. Fondly, Kenneth


phdast7 profile image

phdast7 5 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

Hi Kenneth- Happy Lat Thanksgiving. Great Hub. Lots of fun and lots of laughs. Theresa


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

11/26/2011

Hello and Peace, Theresa/phdast7! Thank you KINDLY and HUMBLY for your sweet comment. I am proud to credit Our Heavenly Father, who DOES have a super-sense of humor Himself. Just wish more segments of the church would teach this and not present Him as an old guy with a long, white beard and with forked stick to pounce on us when we fail. Okay. Enough 'soapboxing," as I call it. Thanks again, my DEAR friend, for the comment and PLEASE, keep in touch. Have you ever studied the Elementary/Fundamentals of the laymen's terms of Einstein's principles of the Theory of Relativity? Just wondered. I am fascinated with such things and I have no one to banter with. Much peace and comfort to you. Kenneth


mljdgulley354 profile image

mljdgulley354 5 years ago

Great hub. I love Jeff Foxworthy but you are come up with some great funny reading. Thank you for putting a smile in my day.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

YOU are WELCOME, but give God the praise. After all, I am a mere creation who is working to be fit for His use. Thanks so much for the warm comment. I appreciate that very much for I am new to Hubs. And I love to make and keep good friends. I hear that friends made on Hubs will last forever. I can believe it too. And YOUR comment made me smile. Thanks!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

11/28/2011

mljdgulley . . .I WAS talking to YOU in above comment. I got in too big of a hurry typing. My fault. Kenneth!!!

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