New Apple iBoob Breast Implant Set To Explode!

Random Ramblings From Idlewild

 

Although I no longer practice, I am a licensed Private Investigator. During my years of investigating various nefarious characters throughout the U.S., I developed quite a network of cutthroats, thieves, informants, spies, and law enforcement officials looking to pass on some information for a couple of Ben Franklins. It was one of these spies that brought me the goods on Apple and their amazing new product.

Garage Where 1st Apple Computer Was Created

Woz and 1st Apple Computer/Smithsonian
Woz and 1st Apple Computer/Smithsonian

The Mystery

Not since Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs built the first Apple computer with nothing but some wood, brass buttons, a few long strands of Woz's mother's hair, and some beetle dung, has Apple made such huge strides in the electronics industry - like the giant in the land of Lilliputians. First was the Apple and Macintosh computers. More recently, the iBook, the Powerbook g4, iPod and iTunes, which revolutionized the way we acquire and listen to music. Then came the long, 3-day lines of a hungry populace who had to be among the first to get the iPhone - which has built in GPS, a bomb diffuser, a tazer, and a direct connection to the space shuttle. It can do everything except make phone calls. But this, my friends, would crush them all. I say would, because Apple got cold feet and got kicked out of bed by some unknown, unruly mistress. Therefore, I wanted proof. Proof positive, and that's where my underground network comes in. My worm inside Apple uncovered this top secret, ultra-classified document. Because I believe in freely sharing information, the people's right to know, and apple pie, I share this document with you now. I encourage you to forward it to news agencies throughout the world. The people must know.

Apple In Cupertino, California

Apple Headquarters
Apple Headquarters

The Top Secret Document

From: Reuters News Service

Date: 08/14/08

RE: Apple Unveils New Product

Rep: Betsy Zaftig

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Apple inc. announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The breast augmentation - to be known as the iBoob - will cost from $499.00 to $699.00, depending on storage capacity, speaker size, and optional features such as stereo and surround sound. Speaking from Silicon Valley Apple campus headquarters in Cupertino, California, CEO Steve Jobs said, "This is not your mother's breast enhancement or silicone breast implants. It is truly an exciting, in your face, development. We're really stretching the fabric here, and expect to 'get under the skin' of many people who previously were not Apple customers. Obviously, when the profits begin to flow, our bottom line will rise exponentially. This is a major breakout. It's hard...(clears his throat)...hard for me not to be emotional."

Apple Chief Executive Officer

Steve Jobs/Apple Pictures
Steve Jobs/Apple Pictures

Shrouded In Secrecy

True to form, Apple kept the research and development of the iBoob under tight wraps. "We wanted to touch this market quietly and gently without coming on too strong," said Jobs, "and the concept was massaged over time as we felt it out, tweaking it here and pinching it there, until we were ready for release. We made sure there were no leaks. I'd say we got a leg up on the competition." Stockholders of Apple also celebrated the prospect of doubling their assets and expanding Apple's customer demographics. "I think it's a soft market," said stockholder Bernie Ogle from his home in Athens, Georgia, "but they're on top of it. They're on the ball as usual regardless of a resistant marketplace. A weak economy or downsizing doesn't seem to faze them either. Apple always bounces back bigger and better than before."

NOW Behind The Product 100%

New Button Resembles the iBoob
New Button Resembles the iBoob

Full Support

Industry analysts also were wagging their tongues with anticipation. "When I heard the news it just sucked the life out of me," said Ron Peeper of the American Electronics Association. "This satisfies an important medical and emotional need with the added stimulation of throbbing, pulse-pounding music." Surprisingly, women's rights advocates also praised Apple. Gloria Butchie, president of the National Organization For Women said, "This solves an age old problem that has plagued women for centuries. Men were always staring at our breasts without listening to us."

Possible Side Effects of iBoob

Loss of Balance, Paranoia
Loss of Balance, Paranoia

Medical Profession Weighs In

Asked to comment on potential medical side effects, Dr. Anthony Phalluscio, chief Surgeon of the AMA (American Mammary Association) said, "Um...yes. Side effects...let's see...yes! Loss of balance. That's a side effect! You see, until the patient becomes accustomed to the shift in equilibrium, the ratio of weight distribution on the northern parallell in relation to the southern hemisphere, taking into consideration overall mass, etcetera, there could be a loss of balance. And paranoia. The feeling that people are staring at you. That's about it. Arrivederci, mio bella."

Women Take It To The Streets

Protesting the Delay of iBoob Rollout
Protesting the Delay of iBoob Rollout

Sweetening the Deal

The iBoob comes with a free 3 month membership on iTunes, with all Barry White songs available for free downloads. Apple expects the new iBoob to roll off assembly lines and hit Apple stores and medical facilities in late August. Sales are expected to be brisk during the initial "honeymoon" period, and to really bust out during the Christmas season as men search for the perfect gift for that special lady. Sales of vacuum cleaners, irons and floor wax are expected to suffer, although sales of feather dusters and French-maid outfits will reach unheard of levels.

Conclusion

And so, my friends, the iBoob is not to be - at least not right now - but keep your eyes open and your ears tuned in. The next time you hear Bing Crosby singing Thanks For The Mammories under a lady's blouse, you just might find yourself whistling along. You're not "hearing things"... you're in the iBoob zone.

MadTV Parody of iPod Commercial

More by this Author


Comments 63 comments

Isabella Snow profile image

Isabella Snow 8 years ago

So how would you charge it? And that youtube clip is hysterical!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

The nipple flips open - like a cap - and there's a plug in there for a USB cable. But frankly, it's the guys who will be getting "charged". Thanks!


glassvisage profile image

glassvisage 8 years ago from Northern California

Wow, that was a crazy good clip. iBoob too? Yeesh.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Thank you, glassvisage!


DeniseClarke profile image

DeniseClarke 8 years ago from Florida

YIKES! that youtube is a hoot!

Denise

http://WineFoodPairing.blogspot.com


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Thanks, Denise. It is a hoot.


Cailin Gallagher profile image

Cailin Gallagher 8 years ago from New England

That Mad Clip was hilarious....as was the article. LOL


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Thanks, Cailin. The Mad clip cracks me up too.


Ananta65 8 years ago

Latest info: apart from BlueTooth a 5 Megapix camera will be installed in the other nipple! ;) Great hub!


Amanda Severn profile image

Amanda Severn 8 years ago from UK

Did the clip inspire the hub, or did you just happen upon it afterwards? Either way it was very funny. Great hub!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Ananta65: You are the first to report these important new developments to me. One of my spies has also reported that they are developing a self-charging model. Like those flash lights, all you have to do is shake them vigorously to recharge. Thanks for the comment!

Hi Amanda: No, the clip came later, though I had seen the clip before while watching Mad TV awhile back. My cousin sent me a joke that was about two lines and went something like: Apple is coming out with a breast implant that is also an ipod. This is good news for women, who are tired of men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. I thought the joke was missing something and I just started expanding it.

Thanks for reading the hub and your comments.


jestone profile image

jestone 8 years ago from America!

Your great, funny and yet a serious tone that catches a new reader such as myself of guard.

Thanks!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Thanks, jestone, for stopping by. Glad you enjoyed it.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

I was just wondering if the iBoob has the shake technology (you know to when you shake to shuffle between songs,?)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

They're still working on that. Thanks for the comment.


Research Analyst profile image

Research Analyst 8 years ago

LOL, what a funny hub, -ouch- that boob picture looks like a heavy load to manage. not to mention hard to find blouses that will fit properly. Great hub.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Hi Research Analyst. Yes, they definitly look hard to handle! Thanks for writing.


Lifebydesign profile image

Lifebydesign 8 years ago from Australia

lol, Loved it all, but this was inspired: "Men were always staring at our breasts without listening to us."


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Lifebydesign: Thank you so much for your support!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia

How on earth did I miss this gem?? Thank god I found it before xmas because I want iBoobs! It looks like fun for the whole family. :D Although I don't think I want mine as huge as that girl in the picture. I'll bet she can store videos in hers as well as itunes. That's just plain scary. Although that is exactly how ChiChi's look now thanks to all those bowling alley gigs. ;)

Thanks for the huge laugh! :D


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Pam: Wow. I haven't seen this one for a long time. This was back when i first started here. Oddly enough, it has started to attract some outside traffic just in the last few days.

Anyway, glad you saw it and had a good laugh. Tell Chi Chi I said hi! Thanks!


Lgali profile image

Lgali 7 years ago

great and funny


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

I just followed Lgali over here -- great read! I think it's hysterical that you're attracting outside traffic. All those manic shoppers looking for the perfect "next craze" gift. You've got an iPhone? So what? I've got an iBOOB!!! (do they come only in pairs?).

My personal favorite phrase (out of so many -- this is really a hoot): my worm inside Apple. Whee! I just love stuff like that (being a Mom of the Apple pie baking variety).


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Lgali: Brief and succinct!

MM: Thanks for your kind words and astute observations! Of course you can buy a single iBoob (which enables Apple to jack up the price since most people would require two.) If you got only one, perhaps you could fashion a hat out of it?


Shirley Anderson profile image

Shirley Anderson 7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

How long has this hub been in existence?  I only just saw it today and it lived up to its funny name.  IBoob, my God!  There may be a lot of post Christmas divorces.  I loved the line about vacuum cleaner and floor wax sales dropping....brought back memories.

Christoph, this is a fantastic hub!  Why aren't you writing a regular column somewhere?

By the way, did I ever tell you that my last name was once Reilly?  Oh yes, true story.  It's still my daughters' last name.  Are we related?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Shirley: Oh, I wrote it when I first started about 4 months ago. No one knew me then so this was largely ignored (not that I'm complaining--it is rather sophmoric). I am familiar with your Christmas present history and wrote this with you in mind--except I didn't know you then so it was like ESP or something.

Glad you found it "fantastic". As soon as you hear about that column job, point them to me, will ya?

Oh no, don't tell me the Reilly guy was the Christmas present guy! That would be bad for the "Reilly rep." I don't know if the Memphis Reillys are related to the Ontario Reillys. But back in Ireland...who knows?

Thanks for reading this old thing!


Shirley Anderson profile image

Shirley Anderson 7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

You are definitely not sophomoric, Christoph! And yes, I will indeed be happy to pass on anything I come across asking for columnists. Actually, I do from time to time run across calls for submissions that want people to send in ideas for columns. The idea is, if they like your idea and style, you get the job.

No, you're okay, Reilly was hubby #1. It was hubby #2 that was the present guy - Anderson. I'm hoping third time's the charm - if there is a third one. Good gift giving will be part of the criteria. Not sure that iBoobs will make the 'good gift' list, though.


Princessa profile image

Princessa 7 years ago from France

Where can I get that iPad? It would be the perfect Xmas present for my mother in law LOL (Ok... I woul like one too... why not?)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Naw. iBoobs are not a good Xmas gift (unless of course the recipient really wants them.) It would be right up there with installing a stripper pole as a present--more for the giver than the reciever.

Princessa: Thanks for coming by. Would you believe there is not one Apple store in France? Apple just announced last June that they were going to build the first one (in the pyramid at the Louvre.) Maybe you can get a friend in another country to buy them for you and ship them. Thanks for the comment!


Writer Rider 7 years ago

I was thinking of the iboob when I was washing dishes and listening to my ipod the other day.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Thanks for coming by to tell me. I appreciate the thought!


ajcor profile image

ajcor 7 years ago from NSW. Australia

Hilarious Christoph - & yes after reading all the comments you do need your - no make that we need you to have your own column - hope it happens! I guess the chichi look alike would need to have her hestia's hand made & to measure!!! lol cheers


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

ajcor: Glad you could stop by and say howdy! Thanks for the comment!


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma

I forgot about this hub and how hilarious it is. I just got a mp3 player for my birthday, maybe I should have gotten the iboob.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Well, they play music but they don't think for themselves! Ha!


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma

we could combine them with my unruly breasts and cause a sensation.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

A lactation sensation?


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma

Lmao! God I hope not. I thought I had gotten past that part of my life.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

I just thought the constant electrical stimulation might cause it, but I guess not.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma

I guess it might be able to cause it. Further testing might be needed, but not on this guinea pig.


Zune Cases 7 years ago

Amazing hub good work!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Zune Cases: Thanks for stopping by. Glad you liked the hub. I appreciate your taking the time to leave a comment. That's a nice looking website you have there by the way. Thanks!


justmesuzanne profile image

justmesuzanne 7 years ago from Texas

Good heavens! That poor woman! =0


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Hahaha. Omg Christoph(alias Clyde), I nearly pissed my pants at this one.You are amazing,incredible,outstanding,a polished writer,A-class, can I keep you?.

Where are the speakers from the nipple's Itune device located ?Are they in the buttocks?

Luckily I dont need these implants,as my bosom is quite large,a double D in fact, however I am considering the IButtock implant to enhance my small posterior.They have a telecommunications chip inside so I no longer have to carry a mobile phone.Love your Blondy (alias Bonny)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

justmesuzanne:  Gosh, I don't know how I missed your comment before.  Anyway, yea!  It looks painful to me.

blondepoet:  Um...sure...I guess you can keep me.  Your the first to ask me where the speakers are located, and I'm at a loss.  Thanks for your measurements.  Are you flirting with me?  You sure know the way to a guy's...heart.  Thanks for the visit and the provocative and titillating comments!


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 7 years ago from Near the Ocean

Could you have squeezed one more pun in there? I think not. My favorite line:

"This solves an age old problem that has plagued women for centuries. Men were always staring at our breasts without listening to us."


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Yes. It's very punny.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 7 years ago from Near the Ocean

If one doesn't want nipple caps Chris, is there a solar powered variety? Maybe topless sunbathing twice a week?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Randy: How creative you are! I forwarded your message to Apple, and am told that they will begin work on this new iBoob immediately. Solar-powered! You can expect a large check in the mail!


Frieda Babbley profile image

Frieda Babbley 7 years ago from Saint Louis, MO

Fantastic! I've been thinking about a boob job, now that I'm no longer breastfeeding, cause I really hate wearing bras. I think I'll wait a couple of years and see if i-boob by chance makes it to the shelves. Thanks Chris!


Laughing Mom profile image

Laughing Mom 7 years ago

I hope Gwendymom isn't right about the shake to shuffle thing. I'd never be able to jog again cuz the music would keep changing!


Teresa McGurk profile image

Teresa McGurk 7 years ago from The Other Bangor

Dr. Phalluscio? You crack me up, man. You call this sophomoric, but it is very witty. Plus, everyone needs a good giggle every now and then. Glad I followed Frieda.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

What? This old thing?

Freida: Thanks for coming by. The important question is, if you by the product, will it in anyway impede your ability to race your rascal?

Laughing Mom: Yeah, the shuffle feature would be a problem. Ha!

Teresa: Ha! This is the first humor thing I did and it's not my favorite. But I'm glad it gave you the giggles! Thanks!


Captain Cloud 7 years ago

This is especially nice along with the new “touch screen” technology. I am always wanting to use my wife’s IPod. With her new IBoob, I wont be able to keep my hands off it.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Yes: I read that in cases where the woman feels that her husband no longer pays attention to her, councelours have recommended the iBoob. Thanks for the Comment.


marcofratelli profile image

marcofratelli 7 years ago from Australia

LMAO - can't believe it!


GeneriqueMedia profile image

GeneriqueMedia 7 years ago from Earth

"...some wood, brass buttons, a few long strands of Woz's mother's hair, and some beetle dung, has Apple made such huge strides in the electronics industry..."

And they complained Apple wasn't green enough. ;)

"Sales of vacuum cleaners, irons and floor wax are expected to suffer, although sales of feather dusters and French-maid outfits will reach unheard of levels."

ROFLCOPTER!

The Madtv skit was...funny. ;)

G|M


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

marcofratelli: You betta believe it! Coming soon to a girl near you! Hey, thanks for checking this out and your comment!

GM: Blue replies: Thanks for the visit, GM. Glad you enjoyed it. Yeah, the MAD skit is very funny! Thanks!


colorsuz profile image

colorsuz 7 years ago from Ann Arbor, MI

teehee. this is awesome also.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

colorsuz: Why, thank you, colorsuz! I appreciate your reading and commenting!


john 7 years ago

all apple product are designed for landfill


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

John: I take it you do not like Apple products. thanks for the comment!


Jason Gagnon 2 years ago

First it was musical chairs.... now it's musical tits. Wow. Do they have anything in line for the guys? iBalls or iPenis?

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