New Apple iBoob Breast Implant Set To Explode!
Random Ramblings From Idlewild
Although I no longer practice, I am a licensed Private Investigator. During my years of investigating various nefarious characters throughout the U.S., I developed quite a network of cutthroats, thieves, informants, spies, and law enforcement officials looking to pass on some information for a couple of Ben Franklins. It was one of these spies that brought me the goods on Apple and their amazing new product.
Garage Where 1st Apple Computer Was Created
Not since Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs built the first Apple computer with nothing but some wood, brass buttons, a few long strands of Woz's mother's hair, and some beetle dung, has Apple made such huge strides in the electronics industry - like the giant in the land of Lilliputians. First was the Apple and Macintosh computers. More recently, the iBook, the Powerbook g4, iPod and iTunes, which revolutionized the way we acquire and listen to music. Then came the long, 3-day lines of a hungry populace who had to be among the first to get the iPhone - which has built in GPS, a bomb diffuser, a tazer, and a direct connection to the space shuttle. It can do everything except make phone calls. But this, my friends, would crush them all. I say would, because Apple got cold feet and got kicked out of bed by some unknown, unruly mistress. Therefore, I wanted proof. Proof positive, and that's where my underground network comes in. My worm inside Apple uncovered this top secret, ultra-classified document. Because I believe in freely sharing information, the people's right to know, and apple pie, I share this document with you now. I encourage you to forward it to news agencies throughout the world. The people must know.
Apple In Cupertino, California
The Top Secret Document
From: Reuters News Service
RE: Apple Unveils New Product
Rep: Betsy Zaftig
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Apple inc. announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The breast augmentation - to be known as the iBoob - will cost from $499.00 to $699.00, depending on storage capacity, speaker size, and optional features such as stereo and surround sound. Speaking from Silicon Valley Apple campus headquarters in Cupertino, California, CEO Steve Jobs said, "This is not your mother's breast enhancement or silicone breast implants. It is truly an exciting, in your face, development. We're really stretching the fabric here, and expect to 'get under the skin' of many people who previously were not Apple customers. Obviously, when the profits begin to flow, our bottom line will rise exponentially. This is a major breakout. It's hard...(clears his throat)...hard for me not to be emotional."
Apple Chief Executive Officer
Shrouded In Secrecy
True to form, Apple kept the research and development of the iBoob under tight wraps. "We wanted to touch this market quietly and gently without coming on too strong," said Jobs, "and the concept was massaged over time as we felt it out, tweaking it here and pinching it there, until we were ready for release. We made sure there were no leaks. I'd say we got a leg up on the competition." Stockholders of Apple also celebrated the prospect of doubling their assets and expanding Apple's customer demographics. "I think it's a soft market," said stockholder Bernie Ogle from his home in Athens, Georgia, "but they're on top of it. They're on the ball as usual regardless of a resistant marketplace. A weak economy or downsizing doesn't seem to faze them either. Apple always bounces back bigger and better than before."
NOW Behind The Product 100%
Industry analysts also were wagging their tongues with anticipation. "When I heard the news it just sucked the life out of me," said Ron Peeper of the American Electronics Association. "This satisfies an important medical and emotional need with the added stimulation of throbbing, pulse-pounding music." Surprisingly, women's rights advocates also praised Apple. Gloria Butchie, president of the National Organization For Women said, "This solves an age old problem that has plagued women for centuries. Men were always staring at our breasts without listening to us."
Possible Side Effects of iBoob
Medical Profession Weighs In
Asked to comment on potential medical side effects, Dr. Anthony Phalluscio, chief Surgeon of the AMA (American Mammary Association) said, "Um...yes. Side effects...let's see...yes! Loss of balance. That's a side effect! You see, until the patient becomes accustomed to the shift in equilibrium, the ratio of weight distribution on the northern parallell in relation to the southern hemisphere, taking into consideration overall mass, etcetera, there could be a loss of balance. And paranoia. The feeling that people are staring at you. That's about it. Arrivederci, mio bella."
Women Take It To The Streets
Sweetening the Deal
The iBoob comes with a free 3 month membership on iTunes, with all Barry White songs available for free downloads. Apple expects the new iBoob to roll off assembly lines and hit Apple stores and medical facilities in late August. Sales are expected to be brisk during the initial "honeymoon" period, and to really bust out during the Christmas season as men search for the perfect gift for that special lady. Sales of vacuum cleaners, irons and floor wax are expected to suffer, although sales of feather dusters and French-maid outfits will reach unheard of levels.
And so, my friends, the iBoob is not to be - at least not right now - but keep your eyes open and your ears tuned in. The next time you hear Bing Crosby singing Thanks For The Mammories under a lady's blouse, you just might find yourself whistling along. You're not "hearing things"... you're in the iBoob zone.
MadTV Parody of iPod Commercial
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