Once Upon A Time -- Bye-Bye Storybrooke

Original Airing: May 13, 2013

I guess the big news I had as I watched this episode was the actress that played Red got herself a lead role in a new show. Not that I can blame her. She really hasn’t had anything to do this season, aside from having her lips glued to Sheep Boy’s backside. The sad fact is Red had a better story the first season before Meghan Ory was made a regular. Unless you’re a Charming you’re not going to get anything decent to do on this show.

Take Archie. He hasn’t had much to do this season and he only popped up in the finale to butt-kiss and glorify the Charmings. He had a two second scene saying how Snow “Whoa Is Me” White and Sheep Boy have never led them wrong. That’s basically the only roles any of the other fairy tale characters have gotten this season. Butt-kissing the butt-head Charmings.

Neal finally ended up back home in Fairy Tale Land where he was found on the beach unconscious by Aurora, Mulan and Phillip. Yeah, Aurora and Mulan rescued Phillip and brought him back to life only the show didn’t think that was important for us to see. No, who’d want to see that when we could see that boring and redundant episode of Regina turning herself into a beggar to try and kill Snow White. And that in a nutshell has been the problem with this season.

Flashback Fairy Tale Theater featured the continuation of Bae ending up on Hook’s boat. Hook realized who Bae was and decided to use him as bait to kill Rump. Bae unknowingly told Hook that to kill Rump you needed to find his dagger. Then Hook seemed to genuinely come to care for Bae, only Bae figured out who he was. Hook told him how Rump ripped faithless floozy Milah’s heart out, but Bae got it. Mommy Milah abandoned him for Guyliner Boy and he blamed Guyliner Boy for destroying his family. Hook claimed Milah planned for Bae to join them on Hook’s boat when he was older. You mean, when he didn’t need a mother to raise him, any longer? So she abandons a child then claims to want to bring him on her lover’s boat when he can become a pirate and not need a mother to raise him. Yeah, right. The trollop is still the worst mother ever. I don’t believe for a second that heifer gave her kid a second thought.

Bae asks Hook to drop him off anywhere, but Hook instead hands him over to The Lost Boys when Bae says nasty things that hurt Hook’s feelings. Turns out The Shadow aka Peter Pan is looking for a certain boy, Henry, and that’s why he’s going around stealing boy kids. The upshot is Hook and his pirates are the good guys and The Shadow and the zombie-like Lost Boys are the bad guys.

I’d like to point out they already contradicted themselves from the last episode where if a boy sets foot on Neverland he can never leave. Bae sat foot on Neverland, and not only did he leave it, he grew-up. What good writers…NOT!

In Storybrooke, Greg and Tamara set off the trigger, but it turned out it was just a diversion so they could kidnap Henry and take him to Neverland.

Hook jumped off Team Greg and Tamara and hooked up with Team Charming when he learned to get his revenge on Rump, he’d have to die. At one point he stole the magic bean Team Charming had to get himself out of dodge, but learning that Neal was dead affected him to the point he came back and didn’t abandon the Charmings to their fate.

Regina decided to sacrifice herself by containing the trigger until everyone could escape. Henry actually told Regina he loved her and his tongue didn’t fall out of his mouth. Magical Emma decided she would also help Regina contain the trigger, and when a magical Charming helped it made the trigger be disarmed and Storybrooke be saved. Me rolling my eyes.

When Rump learned Neal was dead he blamed himself. Said it was his fault for bringing magic to Storybrooke, because with magic there’s always a price. He refused to help The Charmings stop Greg and Tamara, saying he deserved to die. The Blue Fairy came up with a potion to restore people’s memories and he gave it to Belle, sending Lowlife Lacy away and bringing Belle back. Before leaving on the Jolly Roger Gold gives Belle a spell to cloak Storybrooke to protect it, but Gold may not be able to find Storybrooke again.

After Storybrooke is saved, Rump teams up with the Charmings to save Henry. He’s dropped all plans to kill the brat to save himself. He and Hook bury the hatchet as he, Hook, The Charmings and Regina use a bean to open a portal and to find and rescue Henry.

The big question for me at the end of this finale is will I tune in next season to watch this trash? I’m not sure. If it’s more of the same Charming Crapfest, probably not. Next season will be a sink or swim season for this show. If they don’t stop sacrificing the show on the altar of the Charmings next season will be the last season. On the bright side with the show taking place in Neverland, that means I won’t have to put up with that annoying troll Dumpy the dwarf. Every time that foul cretin opened his mouth this season I wanted to smash his face in.

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