Pants Are Evil

When’s the last time you thanked someone for wearing pants? Probably never, right? Well, next time you go out, preferably tomorrow, walk up to a stranger, or simply turn around and face the person standing behind you in line, and say, “Thank you. Thank you for wearing pants.” I guarantee that the person will feel a moment of gratitude, as well, because you were thoughtful enough to thank them for doing something they thought was mandatory. You see, we all do everyday things that we believe we must do to fit into society, but no one ever thanks us. I, however (or nonetheless, or if the shoe fits, wear it on the other hand) believe pants to be the modern chains of our enslaved society. How can we have freedom, if our lower bodies are enslaved and locked away in a cage of fabric? Or of leather? Or of even rubber? Riddle me that, Batman. I don’t trust people who wear pants. I think they’re hiding something. Perhaps the fact that they’re not wearing any underwear. It makes me uneasy, not being able to see someone’s underwear. Which is why I like Superman. Bravo, dear sir, for wearing the undies over the pants as a big ‘screw you’ to society. Of course, he has x-ray vision, so he can see a person’s underwear, even through their pants. He just wears his over his pants as a mockery of our attire. Point is, you don’t have to be from another planet to see that wearing pants is stupid. Let me try to explain why that’s the case.

If you buy a new pair of white pants, a dog will suddenly appear and jump up, attacking the whiteness of your pants with its muddy paws. This dog doesn’t have a reason, it just tries to place muddy footprints on your nice pants because it must. You can live in the middle of Texas during a dry spell, and still, a dog with muddy paws will ruin your nice pants day, even though there’s no apparent origin of the mud on its paws. The mud’s just there, it doesn’t have a reason. It just knows that it must magically appear on a dog’s paws, where it will then be transferred to your pants. This tragedy can befall anyone, and it can be dished out on other planets, too, not just earth. I’m sure on the planet where the Transformers come from, there’s a robot dog that mysteriously appears every time Optimus Prime gets a new pair of white pants and then jumps up and gets mud all over them. Which is why the Transformers stopped wearing pants, altogether, and that’s what I think we should do. They certainly aren’t ashamed of showing off their nuts and bolts. And that’s what this nation is. Ashamed of our nuts and bolts. I wish I could transform myself into a car. It’d sure save on gas.

Did you know pants were invented by the Nazis? Don’t quote me on that. But every single Nazi wore pants, and they tried to take over the world. Twice. You see, I learned some stuff from World History in college. I noticed that Hitler wore pants. No one else noticed, but I did. They were just stuck on his attempt to take over the world, but they never saw what was the cause of that desire. The root of the evil, as it were. It was the pants. Pants make you want to take over the world. Don’t believe me? Then when’s the last time you saw a naked guy opt for world domination? They never do, because they aren’t corrupted by the pants. It’s like that saying, he or she ‘wears the pants.’ That means that person is in ‘charge.’ So pants make people think they’re in charge, but, in reality, it’s just an illusion. Pants are like that ring in the Lord of the Rings movies, the one that made people crazy once they put it on. We consider pants to be our ‘precious,’ but are too blinded by its power to notice that it’s taking control of our actions. We need to take a stand, and stand up like Ronald Reagan, and say, “Mr. So and So, pull down those pants,” or this Berlin Wall of clothing will continue to keep us divided.

Here is a short list of people you may have heard of. See if you can tell what they all have in common.

  1. Adolf Hitler
  2. Ted Bundy
  3. Charles Manson
  4. Darth Vader
  5. Count Dracula

Did you guess what they all have in common? If you guessed that they’re all bad men, then you’d be right. But they also wore pants. Still think it’s a coincidence?

Back in the Garden of Eden, man was invented, copyrighted, and then left to himself, and he was created naked. So, if you believe the creation story, then God always intended for mankind to be nude. Can it then be argued that wearing pants goes against the way of God? Sure. Once man ate of the forbidden fruit and realized that he was naked, he was ashamed. But why was he ashamed of being what he was created to be? Because once he ate the fruit and disobeyed his creator, he had officially sinned, and it was the introduction of sin that led him to being ashamed of his naked body. Nakedness is close to godliness, but once man had lost touch with that godliness through the overture of sin, God had no choice but to clothe his creation, a way to tell them that they were no longer as close to him as they had once been. When sin entered the world, so did pants, and no, it’s not a coincidence. God doesn’t wear pants, and you can take that to the bank. Which came first, sin or pants? Pants came because of sin, and sin created the need for pants. Ergo, pants are a sin. No, I never went to a school of evangelism, but I think I would have made a great preacher. I missed my calling. Probably because I had my phone on vibrate.

So what can we do? Should the entire world just became one giant nudist colony? (Yes!) No, the world’s not ready for that. We’re still ashamed, and as long as we are, we’ll always wear the pants. Until that glorious day of freedom, when we finally shed the shackles of clothing and frolic in fields of daisies completely naked and holding hands, I guess I’ll just have to do what I do every day. Begrudgingly pull on a pair of khakis, renounce my destiny and shame my very existence, and go out and join the world in its fashion slavery. I may pretend that everyone’s in their underwear, but, deep down inside, I long for the day when everyone will be naked and they won’t be ashamed of who they were meant to be. But, just in case the world really is ready to rise up in revolt against the clothing industry, then let this article serve as a petition, and please sign your name at the bottom in the comment box if you completely agree with me, and maybe we’ll get enough signatures that we’ll be able to take this issue to the Supreme Court. Just sign your John Hancock, or whatever your name happens to be, and we’ll fight this thing together. If all else fails, then please join me in the nudist colony I’m going to start in my backyard. Thank you for your consideration. Now, raise a fist in the air, shout, “No more pants,” and then sign this petition and potentially change the world. Get your friends to sign it, too. And your pets. They obviously already agree with me, even if you sometimes do dress them up like people. I’m sure they don’t like it. But sign the petition, and maybe someday, maybe even tomorrow, we’ll see the day when pants are no longer our masters. I look forward to seeing you naked, and I mean that in the least creepy way possible.

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Comments 28 comments

barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca

OMG - you never fail to disappoint. I love this. For some odd reason... I see where you are coming from. As odd as it may seem, it actually makes sense. Pants are restricting us from freedom. Yet, that freedom we seek we don't want others to have, hence why we thank them for wearing pants. Oh boy, the ways that you could weave this. This is great! :)

Just glad I caught this one so fast... I just have one more thing to say... "Thank you for wearing pants!" But don't thank me... cause I am not wearing any... I am wearing shorts! ;)

Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 4 years ago from California Gold Country

This is weirdly funny and so true at the same time. I'm always amused and annoyed to see signs that say "Thank you for not smoking"-- even though I would never think of smoking even if someone paid me.

I'm going to have to think about it for awhile before commenting further. Gotta go hang up my.. er, Levis and go to bed.

RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Well I'd thank YOU for wearing pants - but I'm not so sure you are! I xan only see you from the neck up:) hahaha Hilarious Q!

the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 4 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

lmao. this is brilliant writing. lol

DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 4 years ago from Oakley, CA

Hmmm...wellll, as I see it, you must be speaking of the male of the species, as being "forced" into pants-wearing slavery. Women have only recently (in the timeline of humankind) been allowed out of the opposite slavery of wearing only dresses and skirts, and forbidden to wear pants. Why? So men could catch an up-skirt view as the females asceneded the stairs? Or when a gust of wind came along, a-la the famous photo of Marilyn Monroe? ;-)

Personally, as a woman, I much prefer pants, as they do allow me freedom of movement and a much better choice of sitting positions without running afoul of society's equally stringent rules about what should and should not be on public display.

As for the worldwide nudist colony, in theory, I'm in favor, but practically speaking, there are areas where being pants-less would subject you rather quickly to being in the throes of hypothermia; and other places where you could get a really nasty sunburn or sand-rash in places you'd rather not have either.

Funny stuff! Voted up,funny and shared.

Millionaire Tips profile image

Millionaire Tips 4 years ago from USA

You've created a great argument for not wearing pants. I will thank you, however, for wearing pants, assuming that you do. I don't think I am ready to see people in their full glory, and I am certainly not ready to let people see mine! Hilarious!

Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 4 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

Perhaps the world should go back to togas. Yes! Togas for everyone and we could have a toga party all the time. Trust me Q, some people REALLY must be covered at all times. I am against pants myself and am so thrilled you have seen the light and fight for National No Pants Day. Bravo brave warrior. Fight on.

Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

Right on! Pants are evil. Especially when you gain weight and get a muffin top look going. No one wants that. I am sharing this with others so we can all join the revolution!

Ruchira profile image

Ruchira 4 years ago from United States

Haha...first timer at your hubs and you completely blew me over. I kinda agree with you on being natural and not covered up et. al. But society demand us to be appropriate thus, the above. Now, society involves humans so, coming back to the question of why humans demanded that....hmmmm.

Voted up as funnny and interesting.

WD Curry 111 profile image

WD Curry 111 4 years ago from Space Coast

You will appreciate your fellow hubber, The Man With No Pants! He as reaced the paragon of your philosophy.

The Romans considered those who wore pants (Gauls) as barbarians.

I'm not ashamed to forego pants, but you might be shamed to stand next to me.

spartucusjones profile image

spartucusjones 4 years ago from Parts Unknown

That was hilarious and true! Pants are evil. Maybe I will stop wearing them, instead of being a pawn in the game.

Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 4 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

Well I'm writing this in bed and I'm not wearing any. Soooo comfy! Great hub!

What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

Barbergirl- I'm glad you found this to make sense. I hope I can count on your support in the fight against pants. I'm trying to get a bunch of people to stand in front of some clothing line's headquarters with picket signs and wearing no clothes. And you should know better than to thank me for wearing pants. You know I don't wear any when I get on here. I take it as a good sign that you are wearing shorts. It must mean you are slowly but surely getting away from pants and one day soon you might say no to all clothes in general.

What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

Rochelle Frank- I hope you hang up your Levis for good. I must admit I miss my Wrangler jeans, but that's probably like someone who has withdraws from quitting some kind of narcotic. Everyone's addicted to pants these days and they don't even know it.

What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

Realhousewife- Of course I'm not wearing pants. That offends me. I do, however, still wear a shirt and sunglasses. I also wear a belt, so that I can tuck in my shirt, even though I don't wear any pants. From your picture, I see you only wear a shirt, as well. So good for you.

What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

the pink umbrella- Thank you for the high praise. This is a very urgent issue and I just hope I got my point across. If I can get just one person naked, then I'll consider it a success.

What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

DzyMsLizzy- I have nothing against dresses. I wear them on occasion, because they allow my legs to breathe. I didn't think about the negatives of not wearing pants, like freezing to death or getting sunburnt, but maybe we can all get together and place these nudist colonies in a climate that doesn't have four seasons, like near the equator or someplace. Or maybe we can just huddle together if it gets too cold.

What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

Millionaire Tips- I'm not quite ready for people to see me in my full glory, either. Which is why I'm in the process of getting muscles and a tan, so that my full glory won't make people shudder. But it's a funny thing that you should refer to it as 'full glory' since we are not at our full potential as a society if we are fully dressed. Clothes didn't make this world great. People made this world great. Clothes don't make the man, either. Man makes the clothes. We are the creator of clothes, so we shouldn't be ruled by them.

What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

Hyphenbird- I'm not against togas. It'd actually be a good idea for our society to go backwards in fashion, slowly but surely making our way towards wearing fig leaves. It'd probably be too much of a shock if we all just quit wearing clothes all of a sudden. So maybe quitting cold turkey isn't a good idea. And that makes me sad, thinking the entire world might not be naked in my lifetime.

What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

Jeannieinabottle- Thank you! They are evil. Maybe if people went around without pants, they'd actually be inspired to go out and exercise so that they don't have that muffin top. Maybe clothes make people fat, like an out of sight out of mind sort of thing. Muffins are delicious, though. Especially those banana nut ones.

What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

Ruchira- I'm always glad to see first comers. It means they weren't warned to stay away from me. We as humans have the illusion of freedom, which means we're allowed to do something, but only if we don't do something else. Maybe some people actually consider being able to wear clothes a freedom. It's a twisted world. Kinda like smoking cigarettes is a freedom, even though it can kill you. Does that mean that clothes can kill you? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that more fully clothed people die than naked ones.

What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

WD Curry 111- I will never be ashamed to stand naked next to you. I'm reminded of the book by Tim Allen called 'Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man,' and that's good advice for obvious reasons.

What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

Spartucusjones- Please do. I hope this hub inspires you to shed the shackles of fashion and join me in the fight against clothing tyranny. You can keep your mask, though, because it's cool. Maybe we can start a nudist colony where everyone just wears a mask. Wow, that kind of sounds like that movie 'eyes wide shut.'

What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

Gypsy Willow- Thank you for the comment and for writing it without any clothes. Perhaps everyone needs to start this whole nudist thing in the privacy of their own home and then eventually gather the courage to venture outdoors. I don't care what type of cloth it is, wearing no clothes at all will always be more comfy than wearing them. And you seem to agree with that, so thank you again.

spartucusjones profile image

spartucusjones 4 years ago from Parts Unknown

Don't worry, the mask doesn't go anywhere. I come from along line of writing Luchadores from parts unknown. But as writing Luchadores it is our duty to provide a voice of the oppressed. So if shedding my clothes will help fight slavery, I will be proud to fulfill my duty as a citizen of the vast universe.

What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 4 years ago from Tennessee Author

spartucusjones- Well said. Although I don't know how you'd feel about wrestling another dude wearing only a mask. But it'd make a great statement, I'd say.

Rehana Stormme profile image

Rehana Stormme 4 years ago

Thank you. I've always been against wearing pants.

Alyssa Morales profile image

Alyssa Morales 2 years ago

I, Alyssa Morales, hereby renounce any and all authorities who trample over my pantless freedom and allow myself as a sovereign citizen of gaia to go forth from this day on and live joyously in a pantless existence.

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