Pretty Little Liars -- Ali Tells All

If it were me, I'd take everything she says with a grain of salt. Unfortunately, the Pretty Stupid Liars always take what someone tells them as the truth and never consider they could be lying.

I hated last years finale, but I actually think I preferred it to this which was just plain boring. I wanted Ali to be alive, figuring the liars would have grown and would no longer act like Ali's puppets, but having watched them become her mindless puppets in two seconds flat has been really disgusting to watch. The scene where they all hugged her was truly gag-worthy.

They completely forget that Ali didn't trust them. I mean, she trusts Noel more than she does them. And yet they're her devoted slaves in two seconds flat begging her not to go and disappear from their lives. Some people never learn. I couldn't help mocking and making fun of them throughout the episode. I think I'm starting to root for A.

A lot of the stuff Ali said didn't mesh with what we know as established facts, but I noticed Marlene King seems to be on some Ali Redemption Tour trying to make Ali seem sympathetic and root-worthy when she's a sociopathic bully who made everyone's life miserable around her. She's pulling the same BS on sleazy teen stalker Ezra, as well.

Anyway, Ali led the liars through the events of the night she disappeared, although how much is the actual truth is pretty questionable. She claimed she and Ian never slept together. Melissa showed up and Ian and Melissa got back together while Ali swiped all the videos off of Ian's computer and snuck away. Only problem is if that's true, then the video of Melissa acting like a crazy banshee storming into Ali's room, demanding, "Where is she?" makes no sense.

Then she went about trying to figure out who her A was, who left a lipstick message on her mirror saying they were going to kill her. First, she went and threatened Jenna not to come back but when she got a text from A as she was leaving she was sure Jenna wasn't A. Jessica ordered Ali to stay home and not go out that night, but, of course, Ali didn't listen. Gee, sweetie, mommy knew best. Jessica also started ranting and raving about the Hastings family like they were the Amish Mafia or something and warning about how dangerous they are.

Ali went and drugged the liars to see if she got any A text while they were out to prove if one of them was A. Only Speed Freak Spencer didn't stay knocked out. And here we had a blatant rewrite of the nasty argument that took place between Ali and Spencer to make Ali look good. Ali claimed she told Spencer to forget about telling Melissa about Ian, but in the revisionist history version Ali told Spencer to forget about telling Melissa about Ian kissing her but Spencer was obsessing over it. If anyone saw the scene as it originally aired we all know Ali gave Spencer a deadline to tell Melissa the truth. So that was one smelly wad of crap their trying to sell.

Ali also let Spencer off the hook saying she didn't do anything but fall to her knees and grovel at Ali's feet begging her to not tell her parents she's on drugs. They Ali put her to sleep in the barn with the other liars. Which, of course, doesn't jive with the fact that Spencer was roaming around outside claiming she hurt Ali scream and couldn't find her. Maybe the writers should have rewatched the first season before they tried to write this episode since it's so full on inconsistencies.

I also have to ask if it's just a coincidence that Ali is hiding out in New York and Peter was also in New York. He told Melissa he thought he'd covered all the bases to cover-up for Spencer, but then Melissa tells him it wasn't Spencer that killed that girl and whispers in his ear who really did it, much to his profound shock. So it seems Peter must have buried the girl in the DiLaurentis backyard, meaning he's always known Ali wasn't dead. Did he find Ali and get her to lie to Spencer about what really happened that night?

We also were treated to the malarkey about Toby telling Ali he was grateful for blackmailing him into going to juvie because she freed him of Jenna. Really? He didn't look freed on Jenna in season one? And for the umpteenth time I'm going to say this, Toby couldn't have been in Rosewood having that conversation since he was in juvie at the time. It's so ridiculous these writers can't keep that simple fact straight. He didn't come back to Rosewood until Ali's body was found which was a year later.

About the only thing Ali revealed that was probably the truth was that someone hit her in the head with a rock and her mother buried her alive for some reason. Speculation is Jessica saw Jason do it, but it could have also been her husband and Ali's father that did it. Why would he? If Ali's story about one twin killing the other was true and Ali killed her own sister over a doll, maybe he found out about all the evil she was doing, finally had enough and just killed her to be finally free of her menace.

She also claims Mona came by and picked up her as she was walking down the road and convinced her she should leave town so everyone would think she was dead, while Ali gave her some make-up tips. While Ali was asleep she didn't see Mona's shrine to her. She also claims she only returned to Rosewood when she heard Mona had hit Hanna with the car, but if you recall the seance Mona and Hanna had three days before Ali's body was found, Hanna saw Ali peering in the window at her. So that appears to be yet another of Ali's lies.

I think what went down between her and Mona went a little bit differently. I still think it was Ali's idea that Mona pretend to be A to test the liars. Since she got no A texts while they were drugged, that hardly proves them innocent of being A. Why else would Ali only enlist Shauna until after Mona was in Radley if Mona wasn't her first spy. Ali could hardly tell the liars that because even as stupid as they are, learning she was behind Mona tormenting them might actually get them to finally wash their hands of Ali.

Finally, she reveals she's the hoodie that pushed Ian off the bell tower which I think is the truth, but she lied when she claimed Ian didn't die. The way Ian was hanging from those ropes there's no way he survived, but she doesn't want to get any criminal charges for killing Ian leveled against her and the stupid liars are sucking up everything she says with a spoon so they won't tell.

Other tidbits are Ali and Ezra never had sex and Ezra has been looking for Ali to help her all for the love of Aria. Gag me with a giant-sized spoon.

Suddenly, a person in black starts firing at the liars and they rush to the roof. Just as the masked person in black has them at gunpoint, Ezra bursts in declaring, "I know who you are." And in the resulting melee the liars get the gun and demand the person to unmask themselves. The masked person appears about to do that before jumping to the next roof. Of course, the stupid liars don't even think to shoot at the person to stop them from escaping.

Meanwhile, Ezra is looking at the New York skyline. "Pretty, pretty sky line," before falling to the ground. He's been shot. "Ezra, nooooooooooooooo!" Aria screams as she blubbers all over him, and you know when the new season opens she'll be dry humping him in his hospital bed everything forgiven and forgotten. That's how ridiculous it was.

Back in Rosewood, someone is dragging a lifeless Jessica to a grave and it isn't shallow as they begin to bury her. She was definitely a woman who knew too much. In other Rosewood news, Cece wasn't really admitting to killing Wilden, but she was going on how Ali was her bestie. So I guess the writers have unwritten the fact that Ali pushed that girl down the stairs at the frat house and let Cece take the blame and Cece wanted revenge for it.

And I rolled by eyes at the stupid hash tag that flashed on screen as the show faded to black. #IsEzraAlive. Let me tell you how much I care about that. I was yelling at the person in black to either shoot Ezra in the head or crotch. That's just how much I care if that disgusting pervert is alive or not.