Pretty Little Liars -- I Was Kidnapped!

How boring is Ali? Pretty boring!

Sorry, but this little Miss Good Two-Shoes act of Ali's is a dead bore. It's like hearing about this evil witch and then getting Little Bo Peep instead. Seriously, as the victim the writers are trying to paint her as she's just not the least bit interesting and it kind of makes you wish she was still dead.

Anyway, the liars arrive by bus back in Rosewood with the intention of full disclosure to the police. Only when Ali opens her mouth it's to tell a Banbury Tale about how she was kidnapped and held prisoner for the last two years. Like the fools they are for this girl, the liars don't stand up and say this is all bull. And this being the Rosewood cops they buy her hooey hook. line and sinker. Later she claims she lied because of the text she got warning her not to tell the truth about what happened in New York.

First off, how on earth did she know she'd got a text while the liars were standing next to her and didn't hear her phone ring. Then if it was on vibrate how could she feel it in a packed purse? Also how would she be able to read what it said through the open zip of her purse? I think she planned to lie all the time and used the text as her excuse to do it.

Of course, lead cheerleader Emily proclaims Ali lied all to protect Aria, but how does this lie protect Aria? The one it protects is Ali from being accused of whatever crimes she committed in the last two years. She now has an iron clad alibi that she was kidnapped for the last two years, so she couldn't have done it. What crimes do I think she committed?

I don't believe her story about Ian magically getting out of the ropes he hung himself in and walking away just fine. I think he was dead and she blackmailed Noel to help her move the body. Then she got her jollies sending Melissa texts from her dead husband and shot him in the head to look like suicide and lead Melissa there to find him like that. I also think she's the one who dug up that body, which leads to a host of other crimes she committed.

My theory that it was Daddy DiLaurentis who whacked Ali with the rock got blown to chunks. He rushed in all the devoted and concerned daddy. However, it's an act that doesn't extend to Jason. He's incensed that Jason isn't over the moon to see his rotten miserable sister back from the dead. Maybe he'd be happier to see her if she hadn't made his life a living hell and treated him like crap. Just because she's now donning this Little Mary Sunshine personality doesn't mean the people she bullied and tortured are just going to forget about what she did to them.

Daddy DiLaurentis dropped by the Marin household not to apologize to Hanna for ripping her apart for saying Ali was alive, but to ask Ashley for a favor. He can't find Jessica and wants Ashley to go through Jessica's emails to look for a clue. When Ashley is away from her laptop, Hanna goes snooping and sees a email Jessica was writing but never sent about not being able to protect someone anymore. Of course, the liars automatically think it's Jason.

Jason isn't helping matters by acting like Slim Shady. He's going around dressed like Ghetto Jason with an over-big wool cap that's akin to Toby and his do-rag do that's still being talked about it. He stands in Ali's bedroom as she sleeps just staring at her in a creepy fashion. He also has a fit when some girl comes by with a dog Jessica supposedly ordered [No, it doesn't really sound like Jessica, does it?] and Saint Ali wants to keep it since if they don't give it a home it'll be on Doggie Death Row. Of course you know the minute this pooch shows up it's only going to be a matter of time before he digs up Jessica whose buried in the backyard. Finally, Hanna and Ali's pit bull, Emily, go following Jason after he warns them to back-off. He goes to some ghetto-looking neighborhood. Guess that's why he's wearing the cap so he'll fit in. When the liars try to figure out which number apartment he rang, a wino shows up and scares them away.

Seriously, if you're really so convinced that there's so big lead in that apartment wait around til the wino goes away or passed out for the night and come back and investigate. Don't go away and forget all about it. This is why I'm rooting for anyone who isn't a liar at the moment. They're just so darned stupid it isn't funny.

Emily and Hanna are back from their little road trip and so is Jason. He's waiting inside the DiLaurentis' house when Spencer sneaks in and he accuses her of being like his father and wanting to pin Ali's kidnapping on him. Then they hear Emily scream from outside.

Just as expected the pooch dug up Jessica. Emily sees a hand sticking out of the ground and screams. Wonder who Emily will find to blame everything on now that Jessica's. So now everyone knows Jessica is dead. Of course, the big question is who done it. That makes two people good old Ezra accused of being A that are now dead. While Ali watched her mother being put in a body bag it was hard to tell if she was upset or smiling about it.

In other news, Melissa was also being put up as a person of interest when Toby claims Melissa lied about running into him in London and Veronica claims Melissa came back with a lot of secrets and a bad attitude. Meanwhile Mona's trying to pass herself off as Lady Bountiful passing out wolf whistles to all the kids at school so the evil kidnapper that kidnapped Ali won't kidnap them next. So Mona's big plan seems to be the Patron Saint of Rosewood High.

Of course, Mona is no patron saint when she and Ali meet up at Ali's headstone.

Okay, a little time-out. Didn't the police already exhume that body to start trying to find out who the girl really was? So how could that headstone be undisturbed or even still be there.

Anyway, Ali's all weepy and nice to Mona and Mona's making threats. She tells her she should have stayed dead and not came back to town and that she's the one who sent Ali the text. Strangely, the only one that Ali's nasty to is Spencer. And Spencer isn't very nice in return.

While it's nice to see Spencer not being a fool for Ali, she's still a fool for Toby. Of course, everyone believes Toby when he says Melissa lied about him asking her to come back to Rosewood and immediately flops in bed with him. Me, I still think the A in black mask and hoodie running around in New York was Toby. I thought when the A disguised his voice, it was Toby's voice. No way was that Shauna.

Speaking of Shauna, someone is playing with Aria. She hears classical music coming from the backyard and thinks it's Shauna playing it and there's even classical music on her phone. Mike says he put it there for a class project. Then Emily tries to give Aria a pep talk. Basically, I killed Nate like you killed Shauna and I got over it in nothing flat and you will, too. And Aria tells her, "No, I won't," and someone is after me for it. Aria is also pissed Emily told the liars not to tell Aria about the text Ali received.

Finally, the liars, and most especially Emily, keeps yapping how Shauna was A and it's all over now. I'm still wondering what kind of logic led these rather intelligence challenged girls to come to that conclusion. Oh, yeah, she had a hoodie on. And so did precious Ali as she watched her mama's body being carted away. Does that also make her A? And since Ali doesn't think Mona was her original A and Shauna wasn't brought into this until after Mona got put away in Radley who does that equal Shaun being A?

The liars are just too stupid to root for, that's why I've started rooting for anyone but them.



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