Humor - The Perversity of the Universe

This is a real sign in Canada! Perversed Universe!

The Perversity of the Universe

“The perversity of the universe tends toward the extreme.” This is a paraphrasing of a Larry (Ringworld) Nivenz quote. I find it quite apropos in my case.

You see, I am a writer. I put little, squiggly lines on paper that others look at, decipher, and process for content. Sometimes those squiggly lines communicate a very important point to my valuable readers, but—more often than not—they usually send the message: “This guy may need therapy or, at least, heavy medication.”

This being a very good possibility, I tell you that the perversity of the universe has driven me here.

I originally trained to be a highly skilled hamburger construction specialist while I did my best to break into music and film. Being from a small town where the only other person interested in my dreams was my best friend and co-conspirator, Steve, I had little to no chance of getting anywhere with either the music or film. (Although I did break into song quite a bit while washing dishes in the kitchen of my place of business.) Of course, there were rarely any talent agents hiding in the cupboards waiting to discover me. There was that one time, though…

Through all of my MANY different lines of work (moderately speedy food cook, butcher shop cleaner, car salesman (used and new), real estate salesman, insurance salesman, language program salesman, Amway distributor (twice!), graphic artist, computer repair specialist, network management, camp assistant, actor… (Did I mention my sales experience?) I was doing work that I didn’t really like and I was doing it because I thought I had to.

So, one day, while in the study reading the collective works of Shakespeare (okay, so it was in the loo reading Dave Barry), I realized something; someone had forgotten to get a new roll of toilet paper. No, wait! What I really thought was; “I can do this job!” (Humor writing, that is.)

I have been told that humor columns are not all fun and games, and that it actually takes a little more work than say, building the pyramids of Egypt.

Well, this is a ruse perpetrated by humor columnists to keep people out of the Highly Lucrative field of writing humor columns. It is, in all reality, MUCH more work than building the pyramids, but you don’t get the whole “whip on the hinny” thing to keep you motivated. (My motivation is a wife that has this thing for her habitual behavior: habitually eating three meals a day, habitually putting gas in the car, habitually paying rent for our cozy little apartment.) Anyone who has ever been married to a person with “needs” knows that whips don’t hold a candle to what you can get hit with if you aren’t performing as well as expected by your Honey (the last thing I recall was vaguely the size of a Volkswagen Minibus. In fact it may HAVE been a Volkswagen Minibus. It’s a vague recollection that came to me during my recuperation in Hospital.

So, with these thoughts in mind (and a good stiff Caribbean lager going to my head), I make my way upon these rocky inroads through the heavily traveled world of—Ta-da!—humor columnry. (Another absolutely cool thing about humor writing is that you get to make up words that may, or may not mean something, and nobody complains. At least you get to ignore it unless it’s funny.)

I also have a bit of a soft spot for humor. The heretofore and previously mentioned Dave Barry’s writings got me through some pretty rough times while in the Philippines (never have ice cubes in your soda! It’s not safe! The only up side to the garnish of amoebas with your meal is the rapid weight loss. It’s just too bad it doesn’t end when you have lost all the weight you feel you actually wanted to lose. I was so sick I think I actually felt some of my major organs dissolving).

With Mr. Barry’s example before me and the bright, inviting horizons of possibilities ahead of me, I boldly step into this thing we call the future! I just hope I don’t forget to take my medications.

Do you want to see more content from me? Be honest, this is for posterity.

  • Yes
  • Maybe
  • No
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Are these Daleks in disguise in Seattle's China Town?

Source

Whether or not you chose "yes", I'm still writing more on this Hub because it says it is not "evergreen" (whatever that means--sounds like HubPages is trying to go "all natural".)

But, that's Okay. I don't mind. It means I get to ramble on a bit more about stuff that simply doesn't make much difference.

I have, however been watching for more content to come from Mr. Dave Barry. He is still writing, still (as far as I know) playing in the Rock Bottom Remainders band with Stephen King and others, and still being (probably unintentionally) funny as he has done for decades.

Accident or not, I am still glad he is around.

I really wish I could meet him, but I don't think he would be interested since I want his job.

Of course, although he may love his job, I know that he will not want to be doing it forever. It is very hard to write with zombie fingers (so I'm told, but I have it on the highest of authorities).

So, maybe someday, I will meet him face-to-face or in hand-to-hand combat, and we will have a beer and talk about the difference between his two-dog writing method and my one-and-a-half cat writing method. (Don't know what that is? Well, you'll just have to buy Mr. Barry's books and find out. You should only have to buy two or three of them before you find the reference.)

I stated it in the main body of this Hub, but I shall reiterate it again here, I really owe a lot to Dave Barry. Not only did his works get me through some tough times while ailing physically, but he has shown me that creativity can be subverted and imitated if enough beer is involved.

I am not a big beer drinker--I prefer the 12 oz size to the 40 oz ones. I am not a connoisseur of beer (in fact, until chided by auto correct in this paragraph, I didn't even know how to spell "connoisseur") I am, however, all for using 1,200 words in a Hub to make sure that I establish the "evergreen" status so that my readers will have more brain-filling content to consume and, more importantly, I will get more revenue from the pages and be featured on HubPages.com.

Hey! I may ENJOY writing, but I (to go way back in vague reference land) 'gotsta get paid!'

Therefore, I am going through all of my Hubs and finding ways to stretch the word count and readability. (By readability, I really only mean word count. I have to be honest. Also, yes, it was me that ate the last donut and drank straight from the milk carton. Sorry, but I said I had to be honest.)

Now, I'm not going to be TOTALLY lame and just write the same words over and over again. Now, I'm not going to be TOTALLY lame and just write the same words over and over again. Now, I'm not going to be TOTALLY lame and just write the same words over and over again. Now, I'm not going to be TOTALLY lame and just write the same words over and over again.

Not too many times any way.

I shall, however add content that I hope will brighten someone's day or give them something to think about that they may not have thought about before. (There are billions of bacteria ALL OVER and IN you at this very second!)

I do hope to make the Hubs better and not just longer.

By the time I get done with these modification, I could have written several new Hubs, but I think it is better to rehash old stuff with new packaging than to be original. (Am I right Hollywood and Microsoft?)

Well, I think I have reached my necessary word count for this Hub. I look forward to seeing you again in the next one.

I wish you all happiness and contentment (and I mean that)!

A turkey. Exactly what I hope I'm NOT turning my Hubs into.

Source

I don't know what a Callout is.

Helloooooooooooooooooo! Echo cho cho cho cho! View Halloooo!

Bowties I made for a friend's wedding.

Source

My serious book to support "at risk kids" is still for sale

I use pie chart because I like pie.

Are these additions getting way to out of hand?

  • No
  • Yes
  • HubPages says, "Shut up! This is making us money!"
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    0

    Well, I finally went and did it. I made a YouTube Channel to specifically try and be funny. Oh, gosh, what have I done?

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    6

    What do you need to do when you have an urge to make a movie? Don't have the slightest idea? Then read this Hub and you will get some creative juices flowing and some clear instructions on how to get started. Enjoy!


Comments 13 comments

Youngcurves19 profile image

Youngcurves19 6 years ago from Hawaii

:P funny sign. Beware of tumbling Cows


suzyh1951 6 years ago

Love Dave Barry. My ex-husband is a humor columnist as well. You're very talented, I am gonna follow you!


RGNestle profile image

RGNestle 6 years ago from Seattle Author

I'm really hoping to be able to find the time to write more of these. I wrote one last night and, too bad for my score but, I have posted three other items which I've had around and published on writerscafe.org. Just make sure to tell me when I'm NOT funny. Thanks all!


samboiam profile image

samboiam 6 years ago from Texas

That was quite humorous. Keep it up and you may be on to something. FYI, I came across this hub while hub hopping. I am glad I did.


RGNestle profile image

RGNestle 6 years ago from Seattle Author

What a coincidence! That's how I found it too!


jimcrowthers profile image

jimcrowthers 6 years ago from Port Charlotte

Amway? Really? I got into that myself (only once!) Oh, that and CutCo Knives, but I was young and needed the non-existant money!

Are you saying you were "HubHopping" and found your own article that you had written and published on your hub? Hah!

Oh, and I like the sign as well, which actually enticed me to read your hub. Was I surprised to find that there were words, and not just funny pictures of signs! George W. Bush would not be pleased.

Great hub!


Chaotic Chica profile image

Chaotic Chica 6 years ago

Great job! Before I took a close look at the sign and noticed the cow (which is HILARIOUS) I initially thought this hub was going to be more serious regarding the many rock/land slides that occure going over the pass. I was pleasantly surprised to wind up laughing up a storm (which I needed this morning!).


RGNestle profile image

RGNestle 6 years ago from Seattle Author

Glad to be of service. I was hoping to make someone smile.


k@ri profile image

k@ri 6 years ago from Sunny Southern California

I, too, am a great fan of Dave Barry. I like his style...and I like your style also! :D


RGNestle profile image

RGNestle 6 years ago from Seattle Author

Thanks. I just hope that I can find a voice unique enough so that I am able to differentiate myself from Mr. Barry. The comparison would be nice to have, but I'd hate to be called a "copy cat". Although I like cats. I'm not saying anything negative about cats! REALLY!!!

(I have to type that! My cat, Mr. Tickles, is sitting behind me and I think he might be reading along! I can't get on his bad side! He likes to punish me by using my socks as scratching posts WHILE I'M WEARING THEM! Help me!)

Thanks for the comment and the compliment!


dracaslair 6 years ago

you got some funny stuff


RGNestle profile image

RGNestle 6 years ago from Seattle Author

Thank you. I try to balance out my depressive states with a few manic Mondays (and sometimes Thursdays, but only during months with a vowel in them).

Just kidding! But thanks for the comment!


Blond Logic profile image

Blond Logic 3 years ago from Brazil

Very funny. Alas I don't know Dave Barry, I must check on YouTube. As for what your wife hit you with, I suspect a tongue lashing can be more destructive than a VW Bus.

Enjoyed you hub.

I'll be sharing, pinning, tweeting - oh and I also voted it funny.

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