Remakes Makes Cents

PATRICIA HEATON, STAR OF EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, COULD PLAY THE NEW "MISS KITTY," ON THE REMAKE OF GUNSMOKE.
PATRICIA HEATON, STAR OF EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, COULD PLAY THE NEW "MISS KITTY," ON THE REMAKE OF GUNSMOKE.
MR. ED, LEFT, AND ALLAN YOUNG, RIGHT, CHEVY CHASE CAN BE WILBUR POST, ED'S SON'S OWNER IN THE "SON OF MR. ED" REMAKE. BRAD GARRETT CAN BE "ED'S" VOICE.
MR. ED, LEFT, AND ALLAN YOUNG, RIGHT, CHEVY CHASE CAN BE WILBUR POST, ED'S SON'S OWNER IN THE "SON OF MR. ED" REMAKE. BRAD GARRETT CAN BE "ED'S" VOICE.
DON KNOTTS, LEFT, BARNEY, RON HOWARD, CENTER, OPIE, AND ANDY GRIFFITH, RIGHT, AS ANDY TAYLOR, CORE CAST OF THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW.
DON KNOTTS, LEFT, BARNEY, RON HOWARD, CENTER, OPIE, AND ANDY GRIFFITH, RIGHT, AS ANDY TAYLOR, CORE CAST OF THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW.
GENE BARRY WAS THE ORIGINAL BAT MASTERSON.
GENE BARRY WAS THE ORIGINAL BAT MASTERSON.
BEN AFFLECK IS "BEN CASEY, THE INTERN YEARS," IN THE REMAKE OF ONE OF TV'S MOST-POPULAR SHOWS, BEN CASEY.
BEN AFFLECK IS "BEN CASEY, THE INTERN YEARS," IN THE REMAKE OF ONE OF TV'S MOST-POPULAR SHOWS, BEN CASEY.
VINCE EDWARDS, THE ORIGINAL BEN CASEY.
VINCE EDWARDS, THE ORIGINAL BEN CASEY.
LOVABE BRAD GARRETT, WHO MADE AUDIENCES HOWL WITH LAUGHTER AS ROBERT ON EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, CAN BE THE VOICE OF MR. ED'S SON ON THE MR. ED REMAKE.
LOVABE BRAD GARRETT, WHO MADE AUDIENCES HOWL WITH LAUGHTER AS ROBERT ON EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, CAN BE THE VOICE OF MR. ED'S SON ON THE MR. ED REMAKE.
BRAD PITT IS THE LOGICAL CHOICE FOR A YOUNGER MATT DILLON IN THE NEW "GUNSMOKE: THE BEGINNING" REMAKE.
BRAD PITT IS THE LOGICAL CHOICE FOR A YOUNGER MATT DILLON IN THE NEW "GUNSMOKE: THE BEGINNING" REMAKE.
BRODERICK CRAWFORD STARRED ON THE ORIGINAL HIGHWAY PATROL.
BRODERICK CRAWFORD STARRED ON THE ORIGINAL HIGHWAY PATROL.
ERIK ESTRADA AND LARRY WILCOX RETURN AS "PAUNCH" AND "JON," TO BE INSTRUCTORS OF THE "NEW CHIPS: FREEWAY TO DANGER" REMAKE.
ERIK ESTRADA AND LARRY WILCOX RETURN AS "PAUNCH" AND "JON," TO BE INSTRUCTORS OF THE "NEW CHIPS: FREEWAY TO DANGER" REMAKE.
DANNY DEVITO IS THE OTHER PART OF THE "ODD COUPLE" REMAKE. HIS NAME IS BENJI, A PSYCHOTHERAPIST WHO IS ALSO A NEAT FREAK.
DANNY DEVITO IS THE OTHER PART OF THE "ODD COUPLE" REMAKE. HIS NAME IS BENJI, A PSYCHOTHERAPIST WHO IS ALSO A NEAT FREAK.
KEN CURTIS, LEFT, FESTUS, AND MILBURN STONE, DOC, ON THE ORIGINAL GUNSMOKE.
KEN CURTIS, LEFT, FESTUS, AND MILBURN STONE, DOC, ON THE ORIGINAL GUNSMOKE.
THE ORIGINAL CAST OF GUNSMOKE.
THE ORIGINAL CAST OF GUNSMOKE.
JAMIE PRESSLEY CAN BE PENNY ON THE NEW "SON OF MR. ED" SHOW REMAKE.
JAMIE PRESSLEY CAN BE PENNY ON THE NEW "SON OF MR. ED" SHOW REMAKE.
KURT RUSSELL CAN EASILY PLAY THE SCRUFFY, UNCULTURED FESTUS ON THE NEW GUNSMOKE.
KURT RUSSELL CAN EASILY PLAY THE SCRUFFY, UNCULTURED FESTUS ON THE NEW GUNSMOKE.
MANDY PATINKIN, FAMOUS FOR CRIMINAL MINDS, CAN BE THE NEW "DOC" ON THE NEW GUNSMOKE.
MANDY PATINKIN, FAMOUS FOR CRIMINAL MINDS, CAN BE THE NEW "DOC" ON THE NEW GUNSMOKE.
RAYMOND BURR, THE ORIGINAL PERRY MASON.
RAYMOND BURR, THE ORIGINAL PERRY MASON.
RICHARD THOMAS CAN STAR IN THE "2011 WALTONS REMAKE: MEMORIES OF THE HILLS."
RICHARD THOMAS CAN STAR IN THE "2011 WALTONS REMAKE: MEMORIES OF THE HILLS."
RON HOWARD RETURNS TO MAYBERRY TO TAKE OVER THE TOWN THAT HIS DAD, ANDY TAYLOR, KEPT CLEAN FROM CRIME.
RON HOWARD RETURNS TO MAYBERRY TO TAKE OVER THE TOWN THAT HIS DAD, ANDY TAYLOR, KEPT CLEAN FROM CRIME.
TED DANSON CAN BE PART OF THE ODD COUPLE REMAKE, AND BE HE SLOPPY ONE, COSAR, A MAGAZINE EDITOR.
TED DANSON CAN BE PART OF THE ODD COUPLE REMAKE, AND BE HE SLOPPY ONE, COSAR, A MAGAZINE EDITOR.
VAL KILMER CAN PLAY THE DAPPER BAT MASTERSON.
VAL KILMER CAN PLAY THE DAPPER BAT MASTERSON.
VIN DIESEL, STAR OF THE NEW HIGHWAY PATROL.
VIN DIESEL, STAR OF THE NEW HIGHWAY PATROL.
WILL FERRELL, THE NEW PERRY MASON.
WILL FERRELL, THE NEW PERRY MASON.

It's an epidemic I tell you. Big. And wide-spreading. This is not a fatal disease. A hostile corporate take-over. Or even a National Football League expansion into some rural town somewhere in the great United States. But this I am exposing, is just as bad. Confusing. And hard to keep up with and get my head around.

I am talking about remakes. Not make-overs. Do-overs, but remakes. This is where powerful and power-wielding movie and television producers decide to take a once-successful movie or television show and with a few upgrades, updates, and character changes, boom! You have another hit show. A remake of a once-famous show or movie. And we have all sit back and become complacent with this new wave of making films for our big screen theaters and shows for our 52 inch plasma's we keep lifted high in our dens.

Personally, it took me a long time to really understand the concept of remakes. At first, remakes made me sad. Confused. Disappointed. And upset enough to never buy a ticket to a walk-in theater again. It upset me so much that I sat down at my computer and banged out a few bold, but civil emails to Paramount, Dream Works, and MGM movie companies as well as our good friends at CBS, NBC and last and yes, these days, least, ABC, and told them in plain English that speaking for me, one viewer, I was not happy with the remakes such as CBS' (new) Hawaii Five-O. Oh, you can have Alex O' Loughlin, as the "new" Steve Garrett, commander of the Five-O team, but I am a purist. Give me Jack Lord as McGarrett and James Macarthur as Danny. That will make me happy.

While I am on CBS and Hawaii Five-O, I can understand why CBS remade Hawaii Five-O. Like I said, to capitalize on something that worked. And they scored O' Loughlin as McGarrett from another show that flopped, Miami Medical, and another flop before that, Moonlight, where O' Loughlin played a "good" vampire who helped the police fight crime. Real genius, CBS! And I have also noticed that on a lot of CBS shows, some of the characters they use are interchangeable. One week a guy might appear as a minister on Criminal Minds, and the next week he is a serial killer on CSI: Miami. You see what I am getting at? Interchangeable actors save money. Remakes save money. How? In my estimation, a movie or television company digs up the good, popular scripts of a once-popular show, and with a few dialogue changes, along with new actors to play established characters on that show, well I don't have to tell you that before long, this remake is as popular as the old show. Not to me. Not now. Not ever.

I've rambled long enough. Although I am a purist, realist, and a man who calls it like he sees them, I am also not a fence-sitter. I am either in the game or not. On one side of the fence or the other, but not in the middle. And speaking of 'middle,' thank God, no one at ABC has thought to produce a remake of that annoying, "Malcom In The Middle," and as sure as I publish this hub, ABC will announce this fall that the "new" "Malcom In The Middle: Adult Years," will be part of their new program schedule.

If I cannot help someone, I sure do not want to hurt them, speaking of those high-powered, mega-influencial film and television producers. I am "throwing my hat" into the "remake ring," with a few sensible suggestions that I feel would make for great television and maybe film entertainment for everyone in America and world-wide audiences.

No, I won't dignify the remake of "The Green Hornet," film with a comment.

Here are just a few of the suggestions I have of once-famous shows that can be remade into once-again popular shows for our enjoyment.

Gunsmoke: The Beginning

could cast Brad Pitt as the young Matt Dillon. That would surely make women, young and old, jump with excitement. Pitt would have as co-stars: Kurt Russell, as Festus; Mandy Patinkin, as "Doc," and the lovely Patricia Heaton as Miss Kitty, who has just opened the Long Branch Saloon for customers on the remake's pilot episode. I am not going to write the entire script. That is for those professional screenwriters to do that.

The Waltons: Mountain Memories

Acclaimed-actor, Richard "John Boy" Thomas, now a successful newspaper publisher in the big city of Wheeling, West Virginia, returns to Walton's Mountain on a sabbatical while his staff take care of his newspaper chain. John Walton, as he is called these days, is coming home, so to speak, because he was tipped off by a descendant of Ike Godsey, who ran the general store on the original Waltons, that a crime had been covered-up while he and his sibligs were leaving Walton's Mountain. As cast for this remake, Ralph Waite is still alive and has starred with Mark "Jethro" Harmon on NCIS, and I am sure that most of the Walton children are still around and would jump at the chance to star as adults in this Walton's remake.

Tales Of Young Perry Mason

is tricky. I see Will Ferrell leaving his clumsy, mostly-comedy base to take on the role of a young Perry Mason as he starts out in law practice. Co-stars might include Michael Weatherly, "Danozo," on NCIS, (when it folds) as a dashing and man-about-town, private eye, Paul Drake. Jessica Alba as Della Street, Perry's secretary. With this cast alone, the ratings would hit the roof. David Ogen Steirs, "Winchester, on M*A*S*H, would play as "Burger," Perry's young nemesis in the court room.

Mayberry: Rural Law 2011

is easy to cast and understand. Ron "Opie" Howard (now known as Ron Taylor), returns after years of exploring the world as a National Geographic writer, to a crime-ridden, filthy Mayberry, that causes him to give up his successful writer job and run for sheriff of Mayberry against an evil, "Tom Stoner," the great grandson of annoying Mayor Roy Stoner (Parley Baer), who has his eyes on his wallet and the office of sheriff so he can run illegal drugs, launder money and take kick-backs from the mob to make Mayberry his private "criminal playground." With the help of Tom Lester, "Eb," on Green Acres, who stars as Barney Fife's nephew, but smarter, is "Ron Taylor's" deputy who helps Ronald clean up Mayberry and start all over from scratch. All along we see flash backs of the old black and white Andy Griffith Show when Ron Taylor is facing major decisions in the office of sheriff. CBS would love for me to just give this idea to them.

Bat Masterson, The New Kid

is an adventure, action crime-fighting show that stars, guess who, Val Kilmer, as today's dapper, polished, cultured and refined, Bat Masterson, but on this remake, Bat is known as "Baston Masterson," Bat's great, great nephew who has a Ph.d in criminology, a master of all types of martial arts, degrees in science, medicine, and literature. "Baston" speaks eight foreign languages fluently and is much-sought-after by the pretty ladies of modern day Dodge City, Kansas, where "Baston" sets up his office as a private investigator. CBS would be the ideal place for this remake. As for co-stars, they could be anyone from CBS' shows that are not doing well in the ratings or any unemployed actor. Tom Selleck, "Magnum, P.I." could make a cameo appearance on his way following a lead to solve a crime in San Francisco. I hear that some movie company is actually filming a remake of "Magnum," for release in 2012. Oh, back to "Baston," he doesn't carry a cane like his great uncle, Bat, instead, "Baston," carries a specially-designed steel pointer that you use in presentations, but "this" steel pointer has a razor-sharp blade that is hidden from sight. Do you see Kilmer as "Baston Masterson?"

The Trials Of Young Ben Casey: Intern Years

has Ben Affleck as young Ben Casey, super-talented and highly-intelligent intern that has just graduated from Harvard School of Medicine. Vince Edwards was the original Ben Casey and to me, was always angry at something or someone. Who knows why? This remake of Ben Casey would have Affleck with a sense of humor, but stern and dedicated when it came to curing sicknesses. Co-stars can play as patients could be: Doris Roberts, "Marie," on Everybody Loves Raymond; Betty White, "Rose," on Golden Girls, and an ailing Ralph Waite, jumping over to co-star on this CBS remake while he is not needed on "The Waltons: Mountain Memories," remake. See there? I have already saved CBS tons of money.

The New Highway Patrol

will star none other than famous action-actor, Vin Diesel, without hair of course. Broderick Crawford, legendary Hollywood actor, played chief, Dan Matthews, who each week, caught and apprehended speeders, killers, and kidnappers. And always had a witty sign-off line at the show's end. I remember one. "In the circus, clowns are funny, but on the highway, they are murder," Crawford would say and the show would sign off. Same format with Diesel, who at the end of each show, is sitting on the hood of his super-charged, nitrous-powered police cruiser, giving the audience some tips for highway safety. Co-stars can be anyone. The villains can be anyone who wants to be a part of this remake-about-to-be-a-blockbuster show.

The Son of Mr. Ed

will be, I promise, so funny that some network will sign the screenwriters, producers, to a five-year run. With this cast, Chevy Chase as Wilbur Post, a novelist, not an architect, who works from his home. Remember Connie Hines, the pretty blond who played as Penny, his wife? Well, I thought of this too. Jamie Pressley, of "My Name is Earl," can easily be Penny, but not like Hines' character who was very-submissive to Post. This "Penny," will be a liberated, independent woman who takes up for Wilbur when he is being razzed by nosy neighbors about his latest novel. And get this. Brad Garrett, "Robert," on Everybody Loves Raymond, can be the voice of Ed, or the son of Mr. Ed. The plot is simple. The original Mr. Ed, ran off one dark night and never came back, but one day, a horse fitting his description simply walked up to Wibur, who was puttering with some flowers in the front yard and said, "Hello. I'm the son of Mr. Ed," and the rest should be high-ratings and truckloads of laughs.

CHIPS: Freeway To Danger

stars Erik "Ponch" Estrada and Larry "Jon" Wilcox, the original CHIPs officers who have returned to Los Angeles to be hard-nosed, but understanding CHIPs instructors. They see just how "green" the new crop of "chippies," can be and also how dangerous that travelling the freeways of Los Angeles in 2011 can be to innocent drivers. When Wilcox left the original CHIPS, he went back to Oklahoma to help run his dad's farm leaving "Ponch," to take to the streets with his new partner. The original show hit the skids soon after this change was made. Co-stars: Sergeant Joseph Getrare, Anthony Michael Hall of "Weird Science," and "Dead Zone," and of course, you need a nerdy CHIPs officer like "Grossman," so enter, singer, Ricky Martin, who can be sweet and goofy at the same time. I believe that this remake has possibilities. Do you?

The Oddest Couple

stars, now sit down, Ted Danson, as the "Oscar," role, but his character name is, "Coszar," a highly-successful magazine writer and at home in his New York apartment, he is as messy as the original "Oscar," played by Jack Klugman. Danson, "Cozar's" neat-freak room mate is Danny Devito, who plays as "Benji," a psychotherapist who runs "Cozar" nuts with his cleaning rituals and "neating parties," he has every Friday night, just like Tony Randall's "Felix" character started on ABC's The Odd Couple. Anyone can be the buddies roles for this remake of The Odd Couple. Danson, like Ralph Waite, can take on this role when CSI: Nevada, goes off the air, or he can go back forth from one show to the other. Danson is that talented.

I am finished with this first batch of suggestions of remake ideas for television shows and films for the theatre. And I am totally-serious and very-sane as I write this.

You think that I am nuts? Well how about the remake of "The A-Team," did you like the guy who tried to play "Mr. T."? And Bradley Cooper as Murdock? Come on. Be honest. It wasn't the same without the real "Mr. T.," and George "Hannibal" Pappard, was it?

And you think that THESE ideas are not sensible?

ATTENTION: CBS, I AM READY TO TALK.





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Comments 6 comments

Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 5 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

This is so funny. I, also, detest remakes. I have NEVER seen one ankle equal to the original. Let's see...I Dream of Jeannie with Jennifer Aniston as the bubbly bottle babe. And Have Gun Will Travel with a sullen Tom Cruise as Paladin. Now you have me on a roll!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, my Creative Hub Friend, Hyphenbird! First of all, THANK YOU for this wonderful comment. I Love it. And your I Dream of Jeannie and star choices are GREAT! I agree with this 110%! And the Paladin, seriously, IS ONE TERRIFIC IDEA. Why dont YOU write CBS and pitch them this idea since Selleck is under contract for Blue Bloods on their network? Hey, I am serious. I have heard of stranger ways that shows have been launched. Thanks again and sincerely, I appreicate YOU. Kenneth


Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 5 years ago from US

My husband was telling me of some nonsense like this planned somewhere by someone soon and if he weren't snoring I would ask him. Very good rant and entertaining ideas but come on now, Kurt Russell as Festus Parker? I grant the rest but Kurt's my man!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Pollyannalana, Yes, it is true. Magnum P.I. is going to be a movie for theaters with Tom Selleck, of course, as Magnum, but I don't know about Higgins, the guy who let him stay at that Robin Master's estate, guess they will have to get new Higgins. And your guy, Kurt, I loved him as Wyatt Earp, maybe Sam Elliott could play Festus Haggan or maybe Bill Paxton, but not Robert Duvall, he is too iconic for the Festus role. Thanks for calling me on this, Polly. Sincerely, Kenneth


Sueswan 5 years ago

Hi Kenneth

Brad Garret would make the perfect voice for Mr. Ed. lol

I use to like Francis the talking mule.

Thanks again for a funny and entertaining hub. :-)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Sueswan,THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH for this comment. I have missed your lively remarks. Francis? Yes, I remember that legendary mule too. And I am the one who should be thanking YOU for reading these articles. Your input means a LOT to me. Sincerely, Kenneth

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