Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and ET

Santa Claus

The story goes that a certain Nicholas Klaus of Germany retired from his toy-making career to a reindeer farm in northern Lapland. He was attracted to Lapland by the local traditional dance called Lap dance. One night he and Mrs. Klaus were out enjoying a night of Lap dancing (and a little too much schnapps, perhaps) and took a wrong turn, ending up at the North Pole.

Meanwhile, tired of persecution, first by Romans and then by Goths, the elves had fled northward into the frozen waste and founded a city using elven-craft made famous by the historical work of J.R.R. Tolkien and the Keebler Cookie Company. As we all know, elves are immortal, and by the time Nicholas and wife arrived they were getting pretty bored in the relentless ice and snow. They were therefore very happy to see new faces when they found the two retirees nearly frozen in their sleigh.

After the elves nursed the elderly couple back to health, they listened with rapt attention, their little pointy ears red with passionate joy, as Nicholas told them stories of the old days in the toy-making business. Since folks in Lapland were too busy dancing to listen, Nicholas was very pleased with this attention, and overjoyed when one of the elves took the initiative to make a toy and show it to him.

As they spent time with the elves, the Klaus's soon discovered the elves' magical powers. One thing led to another and before you could say 'merger' Nicholas and the elves launched their famous toy distribution enterprise. In gratitude for the help of Mr. and Mrs. Klaus, the elves gave them immortality.

In the beginning they brought toys only to the poor children, earning Nicholas sainthood in the year 1078. Later the enterprise was extended to all 'nice' children.

The Easter Bunny

The Easter Bunny came into being as a result of the union between the Vernal Equinox Chicken and the Silly Rabbit, best known as spokesperson for Trix, a breakfast cereal. After she was wed with Foghorn Leghorn she began her brightly colored egg-laying career simply as the Spring Bunny in the year 922 BCE and was given her Easter Bunny title at the First Council of Nicaea in the year 325CE. She currenlty resides in Nashville where she maintains offices at the Southern Baptist Convention.


Long before E.T. phoned home, the idea of extraterrestrials, or aliens from another planet, has intrigued Americans. From crop circles in Nebraska to ancient Inca aids to navigation for spacecraft in the Peruvian Andes to Bubba's trailer out in Sorebutt, Kentucky, signs of alien activity are everywhere and despite intensive governmental cover-up action are almost uinversally recognized as absolutely factual. While scientists waste their time looking for bacteria on Europa, aliens continue to gallabant about the country perfoming invasive tests on unwilling subjects in rural America. Why? you might well ask.

The reason the government denies this is happening is, of course, because the American government is leasing rights to experiment on the American people to aliens at an enormous profit in concert with the United Nations world domination conspiracy. This is the main reason for the tremendous increase in government classified secret documents.

On behalf of the United Nations, aliens already run all the major world corporations and own all the food and nearly all the fresh water sources on the planet. Negotiations have already begun for the sale of breathable air. Eventually, if you want to eat, breath, or drink, you will have to pay an alien to do so.

All this means that aliens are no threat to us as a species: they are just incredibly good in business.

More by this Author

  • Social Etiquette Then and Now

    Social etiquette has changed as times have changed. Some changes are due to practical reasons, some due to cultural changes, and some due to the bobsled ride to ruination that western civilization has embarked upon.

  • Peoples Revolution:  Pros and Cons

    Should we, the people, do it again. In 1776 the people of the United States pitted themselves against the most powerful military force in the world and won. What are the odds we could do it again?

  • How to Adjust Your Door Closer

    The theory and practice of door closer adjustment, with steps and detailed instructions to adjust the swing of your hydraulic door closer.

Comments 5 comments

Kika Rose profile image

Kika Rose 8 years ago from Minnesota

"All this means that aliens are no threat to us as a species: they are just incredibly good in business."

xD Oh my god, that made me laugh so hard! Especially the elves and the Keebler Cookie Company bit! Thank you for the giggles!

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States Author

I'm sure we could all use a good laugh about now.

JKSophie profile image

JKSophie 8 years ago from Philippines

Thank you for answering my request! :-)

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States Author

the pleasure was mine

Ande Moore profile image

Ande Moore 8 years ago from Austin, Texas

That was funny! Thanks for the early morning chuckles.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.

    Click to Rate This Article