Smell the fart yet?

As Grandma said “Where ever you may be Let your Wind go free”, so don’t hold ‘em in, let ‘em rip…. Then run, just hope and pray you don’t look like this guy.

Several weeks ago my Daughter had her boyfriend over and one thing led to another and the discussion of Farts came up.  At that time he proceeded to serenade us with the sounds of his armpit farts.  I just knew I was going to have in find a way to incorporate that into a Hub.  Let's face it folks, no matter how you slice it, Farts are funny.  Why?  Who knows.  

Here is the result.

Years ago during a family night, playing a game of Trivial Pursuit my brother was trailing far behind until one question came up. I don’t remember the actual question but in it had the letters SBD, my brother knew immediately the answer, “Silent But Deadly”. I had forgotten the term, since at that time I was ‘A Lady’ and ladies didn‘t fart. But I should have remembered it, from many times at family gatherings.

My Grandpa, now he was a world class farter, when it came to farts. I even timed him once, his fart lasting 35 seconds without stopping. We were used to the smell, whenever there came an aroma of stench, Grandpa was probably to blame. Well, it was easier to blame him.

Grandma encouraged farting with her wise words “Where ever you may be, let your wind go free”. As she would tell the tale of holding in her farts at church, and ending up sick to her stomach for doing so. Should the need to Break wind or fart in front of Grandma arise, go ahead she thought nothing of it.

Mom, when she farted it was something to behold. She’d lift up her leg, make a funny grunting face and push it out, then say “Oops”. We always tried to figure out what the ‘oops’ was for. Oops for us seeing it? Or maybe oops because it smelled rancid? Not sure, but she “Oops’d’ for years.

My brother, he was the King of SBD’s. We could be setting there all nice and quiet watching television, when all of a sudden the rancid aroma that had no resemblance to ever having been food would assault our noses. No wonder he knew what SBD was, since he held the title of “King” in our family.

For your listening/viewing pleasure I have talked my daughter’s boyfriend into being recorded while making his armpit farts.

My husband is no slouch in the fart department either. His are just a little different. At one time we even discussed opening the “Dieters Delight” restaurant. Having been able to eat just about anything and not gain an ounce, I claimed that he could eat 2 lbs of food fart a few times and he’d lose 5 lbs. His farts always had that lingering aroma of whatever food he had eaten. For instance if he ate a Whopper from Burger King, it actually smelled like the Whopper. Hence the idea of the restaurant, for those wanting to smell the food without actually eating it. He’d fart in the bag, and send it out the drive thru.

At one time he actually wanted to create ‘Fart Art’. The idea behind this? He would eat something (everything causes him gas), hold a string with paint on it between his butt and the canvas and ‘let ‘er rip‘! The titles to the paintings would vary such as “Whopper with cheese” or “Barbeque Ribs”. He could never find anyone to volunteer to hold the string for him so the painting idea went ‘went down the toilet’.

The gene caught up with my son early, when he was 4, the nickname ‘fartman’ was given. All the older kids would get upset with him, he would stand next to them, fart, and run away laughing. As he got older, his farts became more rancid. One time we loaded up the kids in the ‘Big Truck’ to ride with my husband on one of his out of state runs. He began farting within 10 miles of home and they were ‘gaggie’, every new one brought on bouts of gagging from all. When my husband threatened to drop him off somewhere in Ohio if he farted one more time, poor Anthony was just about in tears. As I looked into the bed area when the kids were riding, I spotted Anthony backing his butt up to the side vent to let one rip. It didn’t work, but you can never accuse him of not being inventive, at least he tried.

Recently when my daughter in law was expecting twins, she was doubly sensitive to sites, tastes and particularly smells. Many times when laying in bed he would fart, and she’d run to the bathroom to be sick. As she got closer to delivery… he left the bed.

For those of you that love to give great gag gifts, you might want to give the ‘Fart in a Jar’.  Let me explain;    It works easier to do this in a bathtub.  Get yourself a quart jar, fill it halfway with bathwater, fart inside and quickly seal it up.  Let it set for a day or two, it will foment and get super-duper odoriferous.  For some reason, when the person you are pulling this prank on gets the jar, they will look at it, open it and without a doubt smell it.  Over the days that it has sat in the jar the smell will mix with the bathwater, and it will stink to high heaven!