Smell the fart yet?

As Grandma said “Where ever you may be Let your Wind go free”, so don’t hold ‘em in, let ‘em rip…. Then run, just hope and pray you don’t look like this guy.

Why this Topic?

Several weeks ago my Daughter had her boyfriend over and one thing led to another and the discussion of Farts came up.  At that time he proceeded to serenade us with the sounds of his armpit farts.  I just knew I was going to have in find a way to incorporate that into a Hub.  Let's face it folks, no matter how you slice it, Farts are funny.  Why?  Who knows.  

Here is the result.


Ever timed yours?

Years ago during a family night, playing a game of Trivial Pursuit my brother was trailing far behind until one question came up. I don’t remember the actual question but in it had the letters SBD, my brother knew immediately the answer, “Silent But Deadly”. I had forgotten the term, since at that time I was ‘A Lady’ and ladies didn‘t fart. But I should have remembered it, from many times at family gatherings.

My Grandpa, now he was a world class farter, when it came to farts. I even timed him once, his fart lasting 35 seconds without stopping. We were used to the smell, whenever there came an aroma of stench, Grandpa was probably to blame. Well, it was easier to blame him.

Grandma encouraged farting with her wise words “Where ever you may be, let your wind go free”. As she would tell the tale of holding in her farts at church, and ending up sick to her stomach for doing so. Should the need to Break wind or fart in front of Grandma arise, go ahead she thought nothing of it.

Oops!

Mom, when she farted it was something to behold. She’d lift up her leg, make a funny grunting face and push it out, then say “Oops”. We always tried to figure out what the ‘oops’ was for. Oops for us seeing it? Or maybe oops because it smelled rancid? Not sure, but she “Oops’d’ for years.

My brother, he was the King of SBD’s. We could be setting there all nice and quiet watching television, when all of a sudden the rancid aroma that had no resemblance to ever having been food would assault our noses. No wonder he knew what SBD was, since he held the title of “King” in our family.


You know you wanna hear it!!

For your listening/viewing pleasure I have talked my daughter’s boyfriend into being recorded while making his armpit farts.

Fart Art?

My husband is no slouch in the fart department either. His are just a little different. At one time we even discussed opening the “Dieters Delight” restaurant. Having been able to eat just about anything and not gain an ounce, I claimed that he could eat 2 lbs of food fart a few times and he’d lose 5 lbs. His farts always had that lingering aroma of whatever food he had eaten. For instance if he ate a Whopper from Burger King, it actually smelled like the Whopper. Hence the idea of the restaurant, for those wanting to smell the food without actually eating it. He’d fart in the bag, and send it out the drive thru.

At one time he actually wanted to create ‘Fart Art’. The idea behind this? He would eat something (everything causes him gas), hold a string with paint on it between his butt and the canvas and ‘let ‘er rip‘! The titles to the paintings would vary such as “Whopper with cheese” or “Barbeque Ribs”. He could never find anyone to volunteer to hold the string for him so the painting idea went ‘went down the toilet’.

Fartman

The gene caught up with my son early, when he was 4, the nickname ‘fartman’ was given. All the older kids would get upset with him, he would stand next to them, fart, and run away laughing. As he got older, his farts became more rancid. One time we loaded up the kids in the ‘Big Truck’ to ride with my husband on one of his out of state runs. He began farting within 10 miles of home and they were ‘gaggie’, every new one brought on bouts of gagging from all. When my husband threatened to drop him off somewhere in Ohio if he farted one more time, poor Anthony was just about in tears. As I looked into the bed area when the kids were riding, I spotted Anthony backing his butt up to the side vent to let one rip. It didn’t work, but you can never accuse him of not being inventive, at least he tried.

Recently when my daughter in law was expecting twins, she was doubly sensitive to sites, tastes and particularly smells. Many times when laying in bed he would fart, and she’d run to the bathroom to be sick. As she got closer to delivery… he left the bed.


Great Gag Gift Idea!

For those of you that love to give great gag gifts, you might want to give the ‘Fart in a Jar’.  Let me explain;    It works easier to do this in a bathtub.  Get yourself a quart jar, fill it halfway with bathwater, fart inside and quickly seal it up.  Let it set for a day or two, it will foment and get super-duper odoriferous.  For some reason, when the person you are pulling this prank on gets the jar, they will look at it, open it and without a doubt smell it.  Over the days that it has sat in the jar the smell will mix with the bathwater, and it will stink to high heaven!

More by this Author


Comments 36 comments

Dusty89 profile image

Dusty89 6 years ago from Bedford MI

that's funny and gross at the same time


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Yes it is!


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 6 years ago from Minnesota

Oh my goodness Susie-I am sitting here laughing my a-- off. Thanks you so much for giving me great humor on an otherwise boring and rainy day stuck in the house. Wow, that boyfriend of your daughter's sure has a gift for armpit farts. I loved the video! If I was just videotaped reading this hub, it would have been funny. I sure got a good belly laught out of this and it takes a lot to make me really laugh hard like that. Again, thanks for the uplift, I appreciate it. OH, and just so you know, I have a great fart machine and I love bringing it places and setting it under people's chairs. They get embarrassed and the people sitting near them look at them like, "Your gross"- Funny how silly things like farting can be so funny.


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

LOL, now you made me laugh reading your comment! I'm picturing you laughing! I am so glad you enjoyed it! So did you talk to your sister? Are you gonna dance on the side of the road with us?

Thanks for reading and commenting!


LillyGrillzit profile image

LillyGrillzit 6 years ago from The River Valley, Arkansas

I wish my hillbilly friend knew how to get on a computer, He would Love this. He says a relationship stage is determined if you fart around each other or not! LOL.


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

It took me a year after we were married to fart in front of my hubby. When I finally did, he was so excited he yelled aloud, to the world. I was so embarrassed, it was an accident... I had drunk too much and was not only farting but vomiting as well.

Thanks for reading and commenting!


Debbie 6 years ago

That's funny Susan Farts Who would of thought


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

LOL, Oh Deb... my family... yeah, they are funny.


habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia

This is just too funny! I'll have to share it with hubby!


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Where ever you may be.... Oh wait... you wanted to READ it to him!!! LOLOL Sorry had to say it.

Thanks for reading and commenting!


Merlin Fraser profile image

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

Brilliant, Farting is usually only a great source of humour when you share it for real in company or as a visual gag on TV or film but you have managed to capture the full effect just in words ....

Of course you do know the only reason why a Fart has to smell ?

It's for the benefit of those in the community who are deaf....


Loveslove profile image

Loveslove 6 years ago from England

ok then Merlin..what about the ones that don't smell?...some don't you know !!

I can remember my daughter being very careful not to fart in front of her fiancé ..she would disapear for a few moments if one was brewing...BUT ,just recently when we were travelling home from a short break at mums,she farted loud and clear I voiced my surprise at her actions '' Oh mother,we are married now,hes used to it'' she replied...so it seems its not doen when you are courting but when you are married it is acceptable !!


Jamiehousehusband profile image

Jamiehousehusband 6 years ago from Derbyshire, UK

Very amusing! Went to the doctors telling him about terrible wind - he gave me a kite! Farts are always funny!


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

@ Merlin - My daughters b/f (the one in the video was riding in the car with me the other day (back seat daughter up front) I had eaten beans (you can imagine the results) after the car had gotten cleared out, HE told me the effect would have been better if I'd have locked the windows, in the up position.

Your joke AWESOME as usual!

@ Loveslove - Those that don't smell? Those are GREAT, they just FEEL good... LOL

My husband had no problem farting in front of me when dating, I refused to do so, excusing myself as your daughter did. Until one fateful night...

@ Jamie - How funny!! Like that one!

Thank you all for reading and commenting. This Hub has been great fun so far!!


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 6 years ago from Wales

Absolutely hilarious!! Thank you so much for sharing yet another brilliant hub. Take care.


Dave Mathews profile image

Dave Mathews 6 years ago from NORTH YORK,ONTARIO,CANADA

It's not the noise or the length that one might find disgusting or offensive, but the lingering odor, that can chase you out of the room.

Dave.


Merlin Fraser profile image

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

Never having been someone who worried overly much about my diet my doctor advise me that I didn't have enouth fibre in my diet. OK Kelloggs can cure that.. Allbran or Fruit and Fibre....

Yeah right, now there's two things I don't worry about, my diet and what doctors say....

Ask James if I can borrow his kite !


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

@ Eiddwen - Thanks! Glad you could stop by and enjoy!

@ Dave - True but that's the FUN!! Getting that gag happening seems to be what most people I know go for!

@ Merlin - Wanna have some fun? Eat Oatmeal (grain) then top that off with beans... the effect? AWESOME!! Not only explosive BUT odoriferous emanations will ensue!

Thanks to all for reading and commenting!


Loveslove profile image

Loveslove 6 years ago from England

Fart Poem

by Isaac J

A fart can be quiet

A fart can be loud

Some leave powerful

Poisonous clouds

A fart can be short

Or a fart can be long

Some farts have been known

To sound just like a song

Some farts do not smell

While others are vile

A fart can pass quickly

Or linger awhile.

A fart can create

A most-curious medley

A fart can be harmless

Or silent, but deadly

A fart can occur

In a number of places

And leave everyone

With strange looks on their faces

From wide open prairies

To small elevators

A fart will find all of us

Sooner or later

So be not afraid

Of the invisible gas

For always remember

That farts too, shall pass


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

LOL, that is GREAT!!! I love it! I will share this with my family.... At Christmas... hehehe Or... maybe Thanksgiving, you know 'Turkey Farts'.. Too funny!

Thanks!


Merlin Fraser profile image

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

Susie... you really have made a study of this subject if you know for sure that Turkeys fart !


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Oops... I think you may have misread that Merlin... I didn't say 'Turkeys fart'.... I said 'Turkey farts'... hahaha but that is a funny observation... But I DO know that dogs fart... Yeah, and they think it's just THE most fun to do it sitting under my desk, while I'm sitting in my chair.. yup, yup, yup...


Merlin Fraser profile image

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

You speak to an expert I used to have two German Shepherds who could both Dump and fart to Olympic standards but the true champion has to be the Labrador, especially the ones who run free in the forest and will eat anything that doesn’t eat them first. S B E D.... Thing was my Ex always asked me “Is that you ?” No it bloody wasn’t ! If it had been I would probably have bragged about it !

And finally before I retire for the night....

The class project was to come up with a sentence with the word DEFINITELY in it.

Janice was the first to go, “When I get home my Mum will definitely give me milk and cookies.”

The teacher said that was good but what if her mother didn’t get home from work till later ? So that was not the proper use of the word definitely.

Nigel went next, “When I get home I will definitely watch TV.”

The teacher said that that was also a good answer but not quite right, “What if there’s a power cut? What about you Johnny what’s your answer ?”

“Please Miss does a Fart have lumps ?”

“JOHNNY ! No it most certainly does not and just what has that got to do with my lesson ?”

“Please Miss.. I definitely Shit myself !”


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Oh my Merlin, you are too funny!! Definitely!!


epigramman profile image

epigramman 6 years ago

..open, free, uninhibited, wild, pure, brave, courageous, bold, daring and fun - words that I use to describe you and this hub!!!!


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

LOL, well thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed it, I know I had fun making it! You may have noticed I didn't put me down in this Hub... LOL If I had to describe mine, from time to time, they would be a combo between my Grandpa and my Mom with a little of my brother thrown in! Ewwwww!!

Thanks for reading and commenting!


Loveslove profile image

Loveslove 6 years ago from England

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFwEn3ZPN_U

Hope you don't mind but I just had to post this link !!


Howard McGinty 6 years ago

Farts

Farts are funny,farts are fun,and secretive as well,

Only to your notice come,by sound or smell,

Can't be seen and aren't felt,blamed is passed about,

In the highest "circles",this act they're not without.

One night when at a do,a bloke got really farty,

Thought it would be clever,to light farts at a party,

Well never had I seen before,what happens to the methane

Fired out from underpants,a brilliant bright blue flame.

There's farts for cars and for bars,and some for aeroplanes

Where the atmosphere is rare,and they can there "free-range",

Some for boats,and there's hopes,to put them in dreams,

Imagine how a fart would go,down in submarines.

There's "flatter-parts" and triples,squeaks and big-bangs,

And ones that clear out public loos,on the wall it hangs,

The flower-pots and rumblers,and ones that leave you busted,

But dodge the ones that always sound,so close to the mustard.

Have a feed of curry,chuck in a few eggs,

Drown them in some alchol,then jump into bed,

You'll raise the covers off, dutch ovens now the game.

Don't light up a cigarette, you'll be consumed in flames.

But anyway,we digress,the main theme of the tome,

Is to bring to mind,what's found in every home,

A fart may not be called upon,at the United Nations,

But it is much more natural,than half their conversations.


carcro profile image

carcro 5 years ago from Winnipeg

That is really funny, who can't relate to laughing at farts. Just what I needed, a good laugh. Thanks for sharing.


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Thanks!! It's been a while since anyone commented on this Hub. Farts ARE just plain funny aren't they? There are those who are rather grossed out by them, yet still have to laugh.

Thanks so much for stopping by!


mike p. 5 years ago

farts are the humorous of all misques...onlyist fun in the world today..


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

It's a darned shame they have been outlawed in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan and Pakistan... according to the news, it offends them.


Tams R profile image

Tams R 4 years ago from Missouri

Funny article. I was actually considering writing a hub about farting and wondered if it was a taboo subject. Seems it is permissible. I've never known anyone to fart so long you could time it but it's a hilarious concept.


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 4 years ago from Michigan Author

We seem to come from the gassiest family!! I learned a new phrase associated with farting since I wrote this Hub. It's called 'crop dusting'. It's when the person who is farting passing over, in front of or around the recipient of said stench. They are unable to avoid the aroma.... All I can say is ewwwwww...


Tams R profile image

Tams R 4 years ago from Missouri

I've heard that term before. People come up with some of the strangest things, but I guess it's what makes life go around. I've also heard the term 'drive by farts' which is also funny but strange. :)


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 4 years ago from Michigan Author

LOL - I've not heard that one yet!! But I LIKE IT!!!!

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working