Some Helpful Tips for Fighting

Who wants to fight?

There’s a movie called Fight Club, released in 1999. It’s a beautiful story of two different individuals that grew up together on a farm. One day, they become separated and embark on separate journeys to find each other. It’s the greatest story of friendship ever told. One is a cat and the other is a dog. That movie’s actually called Milo and Otis, not Fight Club. Sorry. Fight Club is completely different. It’s about a guy and another guy who’s actually the other guy and they go around creating havoc, and getting into mischief, and making soap out of people. Oh, and they get into fights. It’s brilliant, and if you’ve never gotten into a fight before, then you should watch the movie and find out what you’re missing. I guarantee by the time you’re done watching Fight Club, you’re going to want to run out of your house and pick a fight with the first person you see. Maybe it’s a priest. Maybe it’s a guy in a wheelchair. Maybe it’s just a cat. But maybe it’s a priest in a wheelchair with a cat in his lap. You’ll want to fight them all. No, really, the movie’s that motivational.

So I’m going to give you some tips on how to start a fight, but first I’m going to point a couple things out. These are two rules we all must live by.

  • If you’re a man, then never hit a woman. Getting in a fight with your girlfriend shouldn’t actually be a fight. It should be an argument. No violence should be involved. If a woman hits you, take it like a man. Don’t be a jerk and hit her back. Men fight men and women fight women. It's as simple as that. But hermaphrodites can fight pretty much anyone.
  • If you’re a human, then never hit an animal. Not unless the animal is trying to kill you. You can usually tell when an animal is trying to kill you. They will be biting a part of your body. If the animal’s teeth are securely fastened in your throat, then by all means, hit the thing.

 

Not interested?

Now that you know who and what not to hit, let’s talk about how to avoid getting in a fight.

  • If someone hits you, act like it felt good. Make a pleased sound and tell them how good it felt. Beg them for more. This will confuse them, because they were hitting you to make you feel pain and not for your own twisted pleasure. They’ll call you a freak and run away.
  • Cover yourself in manure. No one wants to punch somebody that’s covered in manure.
  • If someone hits you, laugh at their effort. Tell them it was horrible. That their fighting skills are lame. Follow that up by punching yourself in the face, and saying, “See? That’s how you punch someone.” This will confuse them and they’ll walk away. No one wants to hit someone who’s hitting themselves, already. That’s just dumb.
  • If someone’s hitting you, pee your pants. They’ll immediately stop. Shouting rape also works.
  • Tell the person that you know martial arts. They might ask for proof, so slam your head into a brick wall. If you actually know martial arts, then the wall will explode and your head will be just fine, but if you’re bluffing, then you’re going to knock yourself out, which is just as good, because nobody wants to beat up someone who’s already unconscious. That’s just pointless. And might also lead to rape. So try that at your own risk.

Fight!

Have you ever gone to a club and everyone was kung-fu fighting, and you felt left out? Do you watch action movies and wish you had a little more action in your life? Was that movie Gangs of New York? Do you play a lot of Street Fighter, just to prepare yourself if you ever get the chance to battle in the streets? Do you practice shooting fireballs from your hands? Are you still reading this? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then here comes some advice on who to fight.

Who do I fight?

Do you have someone already in mind that you want to fight? Maybe it’s your boss. Maybe it’s your best friend. Maybe it's the guy who always steals your parking space. You should never get in a fight with someone you know. Never make a fight personal. A fight should just be about hitting people. It has to be someone you’ve never met. Here’s some suggestions of who you should fight.

  • Someone who’s wearing the same outfit as you
  • Someone who’s taking a smoke break
  • Someone who’s crossing the street
  • Someone who’s eating a banana
  • In other words, someone completely random

So here’s how to pick a fight with someone like that.

  • The best way to start a fight is to just throw a punch. Don’t say hello, just take a swing. Most people won’t hit back at first, they’ll just look at you like you’re crazy. They need encouragement. The best encouragement you can give them is to just keep swinging.
  • Throwing insults is a good way to get someone to start throwing punches. Make sure it’s an off-the-wall insult, one they won’t see coming. And blow it out of proportion. Insult their shoes and laugh at their choice of shoes. People take shoes very personal. This person may not care about you insulting their shoes, but since you keep going on and on with the insult, they’ll eventually just give you a little shove. You shove back and then the fight begins. They might think they’re defending the honor of their shoes, but you know the fight’s actually about nothing, and that’s all that matters.
  • Make fun of their nationality. As they begin to defend their heritage, immediately change the subject and ask them out on a date. They’ll say no, at which point you will try to make out with them. They’ll push you away, you’ll try to kiss them again, and then they’ll punch you. Now the fight has begun.
  • If they’re eating something, run up to them and knock their food all over their clothes. If they’re drinking hot coffee, do the same. This works best if they’re eating an ice cream cone. Smash it into their face.
  • No one likes paparazzi. Go up to someone and take their picture. Don’t stop at one, but take one every couple of seconds. Go in for some close ups and get right in their face. They’ll ask you to stop at first, but after you persist with your random photography, they’ll knock the camera out of your hand. Act shocked, and then give them a shove. They’ll shove you and then you’ll shove them again, and then you can start fighting.

Fighting is a great way to meet new people.

There’s many ways to start a fight, and that’s just a few of them. Just remember why you started these fights. You wanted to be in a fight, no other reason. You don’t have anything against the other person, so after the fight, you need to make up in some way. Who knows, you just might be friends after this experience. Here’s a few suggestions for how to make up.

  • If you won the fight, then start another fight and let them win this time.
  • Buy them an ice cream cone
  • Give them a hug
  • Send them flowers the next day
  • Take them to the zoo
  • Tell them they have beautiful eyes

But what do you tell someone that has two black eyes? Nothing. They've already been told twice. Buy them a steak to wear on their face. It'll help the swelling go down.

Here’s a list of things that could come in handy if you’re ever in a fight, so make sure you carry them all in a backpack and keep the backpack with you at all times, because you never know when a fight is going to present itself.

The Random Fight Kit

Replenishment/Healing items

  • A box of Band-Aids
  • One water bottle with water in it
  • One energy bar
  • Breath mints
  • Bandages and cotton balls
  • One eye patch
  • Snack Pack pudding
  • One raw steak

Weapons

  • A flashlight to shine in the person’s eyes
  • The Rainmaker, by John Grisham, hardcover edition
  • A bottle of dish detergent, preferably lemon scented
  • A can of Coca-Cola that has been shaken
  • Silly String
  • One very upset stray cat
  • One banana
  • Your intelligence

Always carry a list of contacts with you, in case you get hospitalized. Fighting can be fun, but sometimes it gets out of hand, so always know when to stop the fight. If the person you are fighting asks you to stop, immediately do so, because it's very important that both of your hearts be in the fight, so make sure you make them want to fight just as much as you do. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and pick a fight. Saturday night's alright for fighting, but so is every night of the week.

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Comments 49 comments

Midianite profile image

Midianite 5 years ago from Australia

HAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHhah34f-weuqncst4=83hefuwsd[n

SO FUNNY

...but seriously, hilarious.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean

First off the bears are hella cute! But it went down hill from there. About half way through, I tossed my head back and laughed out loud in an empty room. I looked to the left and right, yes empty. And since this was not a lol situation, but was a truly laughing out loud with bodily movements situation... well... I got scared. I'm the quiet type. I don't really condone cutting loose and all that. I'm afraid I may have to refrain from reading your hubs from here on out. Unless you were to post a "not funny" clause in the title of course.


Timetothink profile image

Timetothink 5 years ago from Ballarat, Victoria Australia

Fight Club is one of the best all films. That was really funny!


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Midianite- I think halfway through that laugh you went into a seizure or something. Hope you're okay. But seriously, thanks.


Midianite profile image

Midianite 5 years ago from Australia

: )

I must admit, I lost my shit when it said 'cover youeself in manure'


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Randy- I don't want to lose you, so the next thing I write won't be funny, okay? I apologize for everything I put you through. Please don't leave me. :(


cheerfulnuts profile image

cheerfulnuts 5 years ago from Manila, Philippines

Hahahaha! What Is Q, another great tips from you! BTW, you must REALLY love bananas! I didn't know bananas can be so handy!


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Timetothink- Yes, definately. I learned a lot from watching that movie. It's part of the reason I want to get in a fight with a total stranger. But it probably won't ever happen and that makes me sad.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Midianite- Wow, you really did have a seizure and lose control of your bowels, huh. Sorry about that. But that can be used as a face mask to discourage people who want to fight you. So I'd keep it handy.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

cheerfulnuts- I do love bananas. And they make great weapons. They have sharp points and fit easily in the hand, and they pass through airport security. No one's going to pat someone down that has a banana in their pocket.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean

Well as long as your promise, what kind of manners would I have to deny you. As long as you understand that due to my sensitive nature no manner of frivolity will be tolerated! (My avatar really needs to be tightly corseted for this statement, lol)


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Randy- Thanks for giving me a second chance. I don't want to lose you or your avatar. I'm also very sensitive and have abandonment issues, so when someone threatens to leave me, I get a little scared. I wouldn't wear a corset. I mean, yes I wouldn't, but you shouldn't, either. You wouldn't be able to breathe. But yeah, I can't concentrate on what you're saying, because your avatar is saying something else.


Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 5 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

"But maybe it’s a priest in a wheelchair with a cat in his lap."...Yep, this is when I really started to giggle and I'm afraid I spit some coffee on the laptop when I laughed out loud. Hilarious as always dear Q.

BTW-Hyphen has always been a fighter. Once when I had him out in the yard, he took on a hawk. Good thing he was locked in his cage or that big boy would have gone down. And once he bit a homeless man in Jacksonville Florida. True story, may be a Hub in there somewhere.

Of course I loved, loved, loved this advice on how to fight, but when I feel mean I just call up my ex. He always gets upset and I smirk as he goes off screaming and crying and I toast myself with a good glass of cheap wine.


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 5 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Hey Q...Pretty darned convinced you were a tough guy until I read your comments...but I am your forever fan!

Now my brother, older but not wiser, DOES like to get in fights with complete strangers...(part of our heritage maybe?)... but he got very very upset when he was driving his big rigger and a little lady cut him off/ giving him the "bird"... (sorry, Hyphenbird but I had a loose association...)

Voted you UP, AWESOME & rather FUNNY as well...!


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Hyphenbird- He bit a homeless man? lol. Your bird is awesome. I have a chihuahua that likes to get into fights, too, and challenge things that are bigger than him. Of course, everything's bigger than him, but he thinks he's a T-rex or something. He only has 2 teeth left, his fangs, so he looks really intimidating, even when he smiles. Like a little vampire dog. He eats homelesss guys for breakfast. Or he would if I let him off the leash.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

marcoujor- Well, I've never actually been in a fight, so I don't know how tough I really am. But I would like to test myself and get into a random nothing fight. I imagine it'd be a sort of 'freeing' experience. I can't bring myself to fight someone who cuts me off, since there'd be a sort of personal reason for the fight. But I might start giving the bird to random strangers and see if it leads to a fight. Thanks for the vote and all that. I might not sound tough, but I think I could take a punch. Tell your brother to look me up and we'll have a random fight and go out for beers afterwards.


Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 5 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

marcoujor, no offense taken. Hyphen understands and is pleased to know birds are still flying. lol


Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 5 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

Q, yes he did. I was trying to give the poor old guy some money and Hyphen was on my shoulder. When the man reached into the car to get it Hyphen went off on him. The dude probably has PTSD when he panhandles.

So you have a vampire dog huh? I see a new career as a vampire writer in my future. He sounds kinda cute though. I like a small critter with attitude.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Hyphenbird- Yeah, my dog's the exact same way. If someone reaches for me, he goes berserk. He's just really protective, like Hyphen. Of course, it doesn't really take much to set him off. If you look at him for longer than 2 seconds, he's going to go off on you. He'll actually jump in someone's lap, wagging his tail, and then when they reach to pet him, he starts to growl and then goes for their nose. He just wants to fight and he'll trick you into liking him so that your guard is down. He's so adorable.


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 5 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Whew, thanks,I did not wish to offend you or "Hyphen" & love that you are kind to the homeless...

and, Q, if you brought "fang" along... my brother might just want to go out for the beers (your doggie sounds menacing but cute!!)


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

Very clever. Marked UP and FUNNY.

Under your subheading, Not interested?

Now that you know who and what not to hit, let’s talk about how to avoid getting in a fight.

I thought you might smile at this one. The English wit, raconteur, QI host maintained that when the "big boys" at his private school threatened to bash him up because he was gay, he would say something like: "Oo! You're acting so big and butch; don't stop, you're turning me on".

It always worked, the aggressor tended to turn on his heel and seek another victim.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I love Milo and Otis:). But it isn't really funny. So I'm glad you switched over to Fight Club! Fun! Now I know I need to carry a bucket of stih around for ultimate protection. I love that you did put fair rules, and you say guys should just take it like a man. I'm showing this to My husband so he can learn to stand still when I'm lashing!

Very hilarious Q!


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

marcoujor- My dog says he'll tag along. He can be our designated driver. But he'd probably have more beers than me, so maybe I should drive. He can drink me under the table.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Twilight- Thanks for the tidbit. That did make me smile. And it's funny, because I used the same idea on this one person who liked to repeatedly punch my arm for some reason. I said I liked it and they immediately stopped. It's good advice and surprisingly works.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

RealHousewife- Now, now. This doesn't give you an excuse to beat your husband mercilessly. lol. My older sister used to hit me for fun, and I told her if she didn't stop that I was going to hit her back. So she kept hitting me and I hit her back, and said, "See?" And she said, "Ow." Because guys pack a lot more heat in their punches, and that's why men shouldn't hit women, because it's not exactly a fair fight. There might be an exception for women that know karate. Otherwise, it's like a heavyweight beating up a middleweight or something.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

Q- I knew you were going to be fun to follow!!!

OMG. You made good funnies from start to finish... did you enter this in the contest? I think if you put "writing contest" in the tag, it will be entered. I don't think it's too late.

Rated up, funny and liked so all my facebook friends can laugh with us!


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

sueroy- Thanks a bunch. I don't know anything about a contest. Is there really a contest for the worst advice ever? I think I will enter, then. Thanks for liking this for the Facebook crowd. I'm sure there's some people on there that want to get in a fight and don't know how.


Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

OMG this was soooooo funny. Up awesome and funny really funny!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

This is awesome. I almost choked on my Diet Coke while reading this. I tend to eat bananas a lot, too. Am I just asking for a fight if I eat a banana out in public? This is important to know.

I usually get all of my best fighting ideas and moves from watching the Jersey Shore. They are such an inspiration!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Q - really,good point. He looks like a lumberjack next to me! The joke about the 2 black eyes - he loves that one. Only he tells it like, "what do you say when your WIFE has two black eyes? Lol! Then he laughs like Barney Rubble cuz he thinks it's so funny!


Emmyboy profile image

Emmyboy 5 years ago from Nigeria

Am lookin 4ward 2 d sequel of dis mad talk. ..then armed wit all your fighting-tips, i'll go out there and make a woman fight me...on the bed!


Genna East profile image

Genna East 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

I needed something clever to read just about now...your hub certainly filled the bill. Thanks for the laughter. :)


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Susan- You're too kind. It always makes me feel good when people laugh at my advice. So thank you.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Jeannie- Eating a banana in public will get you attention, but probably won't lead to a fight. Not unless people follow this advice. But be careful, anyway. Don't eat it in an aggressive manner. I didn't know Jersey Shore was inspiring. I'll have to check it out.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

RealHousewifethatwantstobeatupherhusband- Yeah, I rewrote that joke a little bit, so that women wouldn't find it offensive. I still laugh at that one. Not because it's funny, but because it's really clever. Know what I mean?


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Emmyboy- Yeah, it's best to take it like a man and on your back, huh. Maybe I'll do up some bedroom fighting tips, complete with pillow fighting. Stay tuned.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Yes Dave....uh I mean Q;).

I do have to laugh about it because, yeah, it is funny! I really have no problem making light of horrible things, in fact that makes me laugh. I think that is why I'm certifiable. Or maybe working in the E.R. when i was in my early 20's made me so callus. Yeah, let's blame that!


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Genna- Glad I could help. It's great to know this was of use to someone. Maybe what you really need is to beat someone up? Laughing at the idea of it is just as good, I guess.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Realhousewife- I actually told that joke in front of a girl I was trying to impress. She thought it was funny, too. I guess it just all depends on who you tell it to. Hey, did you work at ER when George Clooney was still there?


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Haha! Yes we dated on the side. He was my homeboy:) lol! All the other actresses were jealous:)


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Realho- Awesome. I'm kinda jealous, too. I wonder what Clooney would tell a woman that had two black eyes. I get two black eyes every time I see Clooney. His pure awesomeness jumps off the screen and punches me in the face.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

He was here filming a movie - that was a circus! I swear everyone was swarming down town trying to get a glimpse of him. What is that about? I mean Geeze dont they realize THEY are exactly what he is hiding from?

He's cute but come on, he puts his pants on the same way you do. Ok well most guys, you I can't be sure about. It's a good thing:)


The Jet profile image

The Jet 5 years ago from The Bay

This is awesome! Lol. Voted up.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Realhousewife- He is just like me, huh. He puts his pants on the same way I do, one leg at a time, but after he puts on his pants, he goes out and makes millions of dollars. I can't even make a million dollars with my pants off, let alone on.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

The Jet- Thanks for the comment and the vote. :)


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Well maybe you should. I mean all George has to do is look good. You can write and look good. He has to have everyone else write what he's going to say. Not very smart now is he? Lol!


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

Realhousewife- You have a point, I guess. But he probably knows a lot about medicine after working at the ER all those seasons. He could probably quit acting and go straight into practice for himself. I bet actors learn a lot from their roles. Right? Which means he also knows how to assassinate people and kill vampires.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Nope they don't learn anything applicable to real life. They forget their lines and move onto something else. I don't even think they use real blood. They use ketchup, you know that! So in the end, he is but a shell with a pretty face.


What Is Q profile image

What Is Q 5 years ago from Tennessee Author

I wish I was a shell with a pretty face. :( I actually faint at the sight of ketchup, but I do ok around blood. Is that weird?

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