Spoiler Alert: Dreadful The SAD Movie Review - Old Dogs
So, I had heard how bad this movie was from several sources, and by that I mean “every person or website that bothered to see, and then speak about it”. So, I thought, what a great movie to watch for the SAD Movie review. Sure, it was basically a universally panned movie, but it had to be good for some laughs, right? Why does everyone look so uncomfortable, and awkward? Is it because you’ve seen the movie, and know how terrible it is?
What Is This Movie About?
This movie is about John Travolta, and Robin Williams, and how they haven’t been in movies for a long time. So, they decide to make one over the weekend. Or at least that is how I justified this travesty of a movie. Really, it is about two friends, that own their own “Sports Marketing” firm (don’t know what that is? Neither do I, or they). Williams was married, now divorced, since they don’t have time for families, with all the money they are making. Cue record scratch (SCRAAAAATCHH!!!) Turns out, Williams had a fling soon after he was divorced, and she had twins. Now, she is going to jail for two weeks (dang, another I got nosebleed from the stupidity of this movie), and Williams has to take care of his kids
This whole movie is centered around Travolta, Williams, and the two kids doing things. Camping, going to amusement parks, baseball games, kids shows, having tea parties, learning how to ride a bike. Everything in this movie has been in every other Father-Son/Father-Daughter movie in the history of ever. There’s not a lot to tell about this movie, it is so predictable and dull. I wish I could make the synopsis funnier, but I also wish they made this movie funnier. I mean, come on, both of these guys are (were) great actors. Seeing them in this movie is kind of depressing. It would be like seeing Tom Hanks being in a movie with Julia Roberts that tanked, and it....oops. Too soon?
Oh God, Why?
- This movie starts out like any good movie should: with horribly photo shopped images of John and Robin when they were younger, as friends. They look so terrible; I could probably have done them better. In MS Paint.
- John says that Robin looks like an Albino (he doesn’t), so they go to a spray tan. Wackiness ensues, and he is in there for way too long. The next scene, Robin is so dark, he looks like he is wearing black-face. I would be sort of offended at that, if I cared about this movie at all.
- Rita Wilson’s eyes are crossed for the entire movie. Mrs. Tom Hanks, a huge star, is in this movie as a cross-eyed hand model.
- When he is out with his kids for the first time, his son has to use the restroom, and wants Robin (his dad, whom he met for the first time earlier that day) to take him to the men’s room for the first time. He takes him, and stays in the stall with this kid that he has known for like an hour. The kid then asks his Dad to tell him where babies come from, complete with dubbed-in fart noises. It is one of the creepiest parts of the whole movie.
- John Travolta tries to be “street”. He says “This is my crib!” and things like that. I didn’t write down any specific instances of him being street, and I refuse to revisit this movie.
- Matt Dillon and Justin Long are also, for whatever reason, in this movie. I think they are both really good, but Dillon does this overly-aggressive Boy Scout leader, and Long is convinced Travolta stole his wife from him. They are both better than this movie. Justin Long does a terrible and unnecessary prat-fall, where he trips over nothing. That alone made me choose a PC over the Mac.
- Travolta and Williams are going to play Ultimate Frisbee against the counselors, so they rub dirt in their faces, like grease paint. Come to find out, it was bear scat. Which causes Williams to say “Scat happens, man.” Oh, great, a Forrest Gump reference. First, you make Hanks’s wife be cross-eyed, then you make a terrible reference to one of his greatest movies. For shame, creators of this movie, for shame.
- They go back and forth between being mistaken for a gay couple that adopted these two kids, to being these kids grandparents. Hilarious. ….Wow, I really hate this movie, don’t I?
Wait, Did That Just Happen?
So, we get this scene where Travolta and Williams are talking about the medications they are taking. They talk about the side effects of each drug they are taking. Loss of depth perception, appetite, facial paralysis, swollen tongue. Can you see where this is going, yet? No? Really? No, seriously, really? Well, the kids knock the pill holder things, spilling all of the pills. So, they put them back in the container….BUT THEY’RE ALL MIXED UP!!! See kids, if you ever mess up your parent’s medicine, don’t tell them, just put them back as good as you can, and everything will be fine! What a fantastic family movie this is.
So, Travolta goes to this grief group potluck, where he eats a lot of the food, while everyone else is grieving. He eats this rhubarb pie….that is so disturbing to watch. He eats it with no hands, and it is all over his face, but not in a funny way, at all. It was really gross. Then, when Lori Loughlin (who hasn’t aged a day since Full House, 15 years ago) starts talking about her dead grandmother, the facial paralysis kicks in, and he has this terrible looking, Nicholson-Joker, distorted smile, that he can’t get rid of.
Williams, meanwhile, is dealing with some wacky side-effects of his own. He is going golfing with the boss of “The Japanese”. I’m not generalizing, or being racist; that’s all they are references as. So, he is going golfing, and loses depth perception. Kind of important in golf, right? Well, then he gets the swollen tongue. Oh, man, they got every single side effect they set up earlier! What are the odds? ….What’s that? The odds are 100%.....okay.
He tries to talk, and then talks to Travolta on the phone, and starts to talk like a terrible impersonation of a stereotypical Japanese person. “My tongue is sworren” and “Charrie, I tink we sweeched pirrs.” are said by Williams. Then, he doesn’t say anything else, for the entire section, not even to the boss of the other company. In order for that to be funny, he has to offend the other guy, but they never do that. It could have been a genuinely funny scene, with how uncomfortable it made everyone, but it was squandered.
It’s Not All Bad…..
So I held off on this section, to give myself some time to think of something nice to say about it…. It didn’t help that much.The best actor in this movie, was the dog.He looked bored, and didn’t care through the whole movie, which is how I felt.There are a lot of funny people in this movie, and a lot of really good actors, but you would never know it from this movie.This movie was all kinds of terrible, and I literally did not enjoy any aspect of it.
This is my fifth movie that I have reviewed, and this is the first one that I did not enjoy at all.There is not a single part that I remember laughing, and the one time I thought it might get good (the sworren thunge part), they didn’t even use the set-up.My overall advice is this: Instead of watching this movie, watch a double billing of Bicentennial Man and Battlefield Earth instead. It will have more laughs than this waste of Netflix bandwidth.
One Creepy Travolta Out Of Five
Another bad movie reviewed, another couple of hours of my life wasted. From now on, I will try to pick better movies than that. So, for next week, I am going to review a movie put out by The Asylum, who have put out such great movies as Transmorphers, and Snakes On A Train. The movie I am going to review is a "sequel" (not really) to the second highest grossing film of all time, Titanic 2. I watched it once about 6 months ago, and can't wait to revisit it this week.
And remember: One Man's Trash, Is Another Man's Movie
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