Spoiler Alert: Dreadful The SAD Movie Review - The Expendables
Guess who just got back today?
Them roided-out boys that have been away.
They have changed, but don’t have much to say,
But, man, I still think them cats are crazy.
So I finally watched The Expendables this weekend.I didn’t watch it in theaters, because I was too busy seeing Scott Pilgrim vs. The World 2 times opening weekend (one of my favorite movies of all time).I heard it was Over The Top, even more than that other Stallone movie.What was it called?Oh, yeah.Antz.
What Is This Movie About?
This movie would be your ordinary mercenary-team movie: The team gets a job to go to a foreign country, and take out the leader of the country, and the drug lord that is controlling him.Huge explosions, lots of people die. Credits.
What sets it apart is the cast: Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Mickey Rourke, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Eric Roberts, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. How could this happen, you ask? Who wrote a script, and got all these people on-board? Also, who could direct these steroid-infused hunks of meat? None other than leading man himself, Mr. Sylvester Stallone. Yes, he wrote and directed this movie, which explains why there really is no plot, other than “Here’s the Bad Guy.Get him!”
This movie could literally be a story concocted inside a 10 year olds sugar-addled brain, in the 80’s. “AND THEN THEY WANT RAMBO AND THE TERMINATOR TO GO TO THE BAD GUYS HIDEOUT, AND BEAT UP HULK HOGAN, BUT TERMINATOR SAYS “NO WAY”, SO ROCKY GETS DRAGO AND ALL HIS FRIENDS , AND THEY GO BEAT UP HULK HOGAN” Replace Hulk Hogan with Stone Cold Steve Austin (an even less relevant wrestler), and that’s what this movie is, basically.
Oh God, Why?
- The first bullet fired in the movie was from Dolph Lundgren, when he shot a “warning shot” at the hostage takers. A warning shot, with a grenade launcher, that hits the guy in the pelvis, EXPLODING HIM IN HALF!!
- There are two people in this movie doing a horrible Sylvester Stallone impression. The first is Dolph Lundgren, who tries to talk like he was Rocky instead of Drago. The second is the guy that actually looks like a fat Sylvester Stallone. Let me go to IMDB.com to see who that guy is.......
- Well, I am embarrassed… Apparently, the second guy doing a bad Stallone impersonation is Stallone himself. He has become a caricature of himself, like Shatner.
- I think they are supposed to be a covert mercenary group, but everything they own has the skull logo that says Expendables under it.
- Stallone and Statham share several lingering glances at one another, and are always picking on each other. They must be the love story in this movie.
- Statham gets dumped, and pours his heart out to Stallone about it, FOR FIVE WHOLE MINUTES.
- Here’s a fun fact: Eric Roberts has never played the good guy in any movie he has ever been in. Much the same way that his sister, Julia Roberts hasn’t been good in any movies she’s been in.
- Jet Li goes on this tangent about how he should get a pay increase, because everyone else on the team is tall, and he’s short, so everything is harder for him.He then gives Stallone SEVERAL EXAMPLES as to why it is harder. He says when he gets shot, the wound is bigger, and when they travel, since he’s short, HE HAS TO TRAVEL FURTHER.Jet Li does not understand things very well…
- So, Dolph was kicked off the team for being crazy, and on drugs, apparently, so he goes to the other side. Now, Dolph, Eric Roberts, and Stone Cold Steve Austin have to kill Stallone and Co. Even as I’m typing this, I can’t believe its happening.
- For those of you that think it is only dudes in this movie, fear not.There are 3 chicks in it, also (well, I think 3…)
- Sandra is their contact on the island, and she gets captured, punched in the face by Stone Cold Steve Austin, and water boarded.
- Statham’s ex-girlfriend gets beat up by her new boyfriend, so her ex-boyfriend goes and beats him up for her.Women’s Empowerment!
- Mickey Rourke is with this “chick” (I honestly don’t know:they look alike, maybe they are brothers…), who is in the movie for 15 seconds.In that time, he forgets her name, and slaps her on the butt.Women’s Empowerment!
- This general is the guy The Expendables were hired to take out, and his daughter is in league with the “rebels”, to get him out. They capture the woman, and, before she gets water boarded, Stone Cold Steve Austin punches her in the face. That’s pretty much all there is to say...
- The Expendables go to kill Eric Roberts, and save the girl. Two dudes are knocking the girl around, and just when they are about to burn her with a cigarette, Stallone, chops the first guys hand off, the second dudes head, and back to the first guy, stabs him in the throat. I think he likes this girl. Nobody tell Statham, though. That will be two relationships ended in this movie for him.
- Stallone is captured by Stone Cold and his thugs. Li, Statham, Crews and Couture jump in to fight. I have to say, I was totally into the fight scene that followed. The choreography, the blood effects, Stallone & Austin throwing each other around a room. But the thing that pulled me out to write this, was that Statham is fighting this dude, and they kick at the same time, but effectively block each other’s kick....They kicked each other in the foot! I don’t know why I thought that was so funny, but it was.
- Randy Couture punches an on-fire, CGI, Stone Cold Steve Austin, in the face.
- Terry Crews throws a giant bullet (or rocket, possibly) towards the helicopter that Eric Roberts is trying get to, then Stallone shoots it in mid-air, and everything explodes.
Wait, Did That Just Happen?
Stallone goes to a church to talk to Bruce Willis about a job, who also invites Arnold Schwarzenegger to the meeting. Stop and read that sentence again. Anyway, Bruce tells them what the job is, and tries to get them to do the job together (they used to work together). Schwarzenegger says he’s “busy” (I assume with the hired help), and can’t be involved. He tells Stallone they should have dinner, and Stallone asks when? Schwarzenegger replies “In a thousand years”. OH SNAP, STALLONE, YOU JUST GOT SERVED!! Willis asks what his problem is, and Stallone says “Oh, he wants to be President.” Which is an actual funny joke.
I found a clip. Check it out below:
It’s Not All Bad…..
The acting in this movie is pretty sub-par.I know I shouldn’t expect too much from this group of actors, but come on, guys.When the best actor in the movie is DOLPH LUNDGREN, (no offense, Drago) something is wrong.Although, to be fair, he was playing a guy who was one bad look away from snapping completely, and is apparently an addict.So, when he’s playing a guy who is out of it and weird the whole movie, he is fantastic.
There is also some bad CGI in this movie, which I was really surprised with.Not that it was bad, that there was CGI at all.There was a tiny CGI Stallone that climbed into the seaplane that was taking off.It looked like a stop-motion G. I. Joe action figure.CGI Joe!...There is also the scene that I mentioned earlier, in which Stone Cold Steve Austin catches fire, and then is running around.It starts out as an actual guy on fire, then the camera cuts away and back, and it is clearly not that same guy.
If they were going to use CGI, maybe they could have made Stallone’s face not look like a hunk of meat that was molded into the shape of a human head, by punches.
The Expendables is not high art.It won’t make you think, it doesn’t have a lesson to be learned.It won’t stimulate your mind, or make you think.But, has any movie starring one of these guys?This movie is fun, plain and simple.It is ridiculous, over-the-top (Judge Dredd was the movie I was thinking of before, not Antz), and what everyone expected.
Four Smug Schwarzenegger’s out of Five
So, another week, another crazy movie. I enjoyed this one, but I don't think I will be enjoying the next one....
Next week will be Halloween Resurrection. Now, Halloween is amazing. I think the only other I have seen is Halloween H20, which was terrible. Resurrection looks worse than H20, guys. IT HAS BUSTA RHYMES AND TYRA BANKS IN IT!! BUSTA RHYMES IS FIRST BILLED! JAMIE LEE CURTIS IS SIXTH!
See you next week!
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