Spoiler Alert: Dreadful The SAD Movie Review - Titanic 2
Hello, everyone, and welcome to another edition of Spoiler Alert: Dreadful. Today, I will be reviewing the long awaited sequel to the second highest grossing film of all time, James Cameron’s Titanic. Titanic 2 stars Leonardo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet, and…..wait a second… scratch all of that. Titanic 2 has nothing to do with the first movie, starring none of the cast, and Cameron had nothing to do with it. So why is this movie named Titanic 2? You shouldn't have asked…
What Is This Movie About?
This movie is about the successor to the original Titanic, unoriginally named the Titanic 2. There is nobody in the universe that doesn’t know what this movie is about. When the boat was in inspection, it barely passed, and was rushed through to make the deadline. At this point, I had to refresh my browser, the foreshadowing was clogging up my internet connection. However, they make a point to say that this was definitely built better than the first, and they have better iceberg detection technology. So if they don’t run into an iceberg, what happens?
Due to global warming (why are so many movies now about that?) an iceberg is cracking, causing chunks to fall off. One chunk falls off, which just stays right there, floating on it’s own. Then when the scientist person, and the ***** are on the iceberg, it basically splits in half, sending massive amounts of pressure outwards, and carrying the first piece of ice along with it. This giant piece of ice is being pushed under the surface of the ocean, by the shock wave, and it is headed straight towards Titanic 2. Which means only one thing.
Titanic 2. Gets Hit. By The Iceberg.
I could literally not make up anything that would be better than that, as I have some of my sanity still in tact. The rest of the movie deals with the owner of the ship, and his ex-girlfriend, trying to escape the ship, save as many people as they can, and try not to point out how stupid and contrived it is that AN ICEBERG HIT TITANIC 2. OR THAT THERE IS A TITANIC 2 AT ALL. It is pretty straight-forward, for the most part, except for all the terribleness.
Oh, God, Why?
- The owner of the boat, Hayden, brings not one, not two, but four girls to have on his arm at all times. Later, he only has three of the girls. I assume that the fourth was killed in ritualistic sacrifice, below deck. They didn’t show it, unfortunately.
- There is a guy checking boarding passes, that is wearing a uniform, that looks like he stole from a man 100 puonds heavier, and a full foot taller than him. He looks like Tom Hanks in that one movie where he got big...what was it? Oh, right, The Green Mile.
- The people on the bridge (that’s what it is called on a spaceship, is it the same on a watership? I’m such a nerd) note that it is ironic that all readings, temperature, wind, etc, is the same as 100 years ago, when the OB (Like OG for original gangsta, but a boat..-sta) launched. The captain says don’t worry, because this time, they have enough life boats. Not a better ship, or better iceberg-detecting equipment, but more lifeboats. Way to go captain, aim for the stars.
- Oh, by the way, all of the lifeboats are below deck. Which is the best place to put the lifeboats. There has never been a boat that has been, say, hit down the side by something, thereby rendering the escape boats stuck in the hull, and useless.
- A helicopter gets hit by a tidal wave....in the middle of the ocean....Do you know what has to happen for a TIDAL WAVE to be in the MIDDLE of the ocean? When that hits land, it would hit one coast, and keep going to the next. The moon would have to hit the ocean for that to happen.
- Oh, God, I just read the tagline on IMDB.com.... “100 years later, lightning strikes twice.”
- At every point they can, they bring up the OB. That is the best thing to do to calm their fears. “Hey, you guys know that this boat that you are on, is the same as the one that sank, and killed hundreds of people, right? Well, have fun everyone!”
- When it goes to launch, there is a floyover, like the Blue Angels with smoke trails. Then, the ship just floors it. It goes from 0 to I don’t know the equivalent of 60 mph for a boat, just like that. That big of a boat can not take off that fast, and if it did, everyone on the boat would have been knocked down.
- By the way, the boat just launched, and I’m going in order of my notes....
- When they are notified that they are going to be HIT BY AN ICEBERG, Hayden says that this boat was built for a head-on collision, but they never anticipated getting hit from the side. How does that slip your mind? “Well, we’re done running tests in this 2-dimensional simulator, did we forget anything? No? Then lets get to work!”
- After the boat gets hit, they are trying to evacuate the passengers, by putting people in the elevators to the boats, which they shouldn’t even be using the elevators. There is this beligerant guy, who tries to get on the elevator, and they stop him like 3 times, that we see, so probably like 8-10 times total. I mean, seriously, they can let him on sometime....
- Hayden, Amy, and her friend Kelly, are trying to escape. Hayden pries open this door with a fire-axe, that just happens to be there, for the other two to get through. he gets it open, Amy is first, and she gets stuck. The axe starts to crack, and Kelly pushes her through, right before it breaks completely. Kelly, unfortunately, falls after Amy, right in the doorway, and gets smashes in the door.
Wait, Did That Just Happen?
I literally can’t decide which part is my favorite, so here are my top 3 moments from this movie:
1) Actual dialogue between Hayden and Amy, who used to date. They are commenting on why Amy’s father doesn’t like Hayden
- Amy:He caught you joy-riding in his boat!
- Hayden:STILL A DADDY’S GIRL
- Amy:Look who’s talking!......I’m sorry, that was insensitive. I’m sorry to hear that he passed away
- Hayden:DON’T MENTION IT
First, his dialogue is in all-caps because he yells through this entire scene, and she istalking normally. So he’s terrible. Second, she makes fun of him being a Daddy’s Boy (creepy), when she knows his dad is dead! What is wrong with her?
2) The people on the bridge are notified that the ice is headed towards them, and there’s nothing they can do. The captain looks at Hayden, and says “...Looks like history is repeating itself.” And walks away. Which is hilarious enough, but as he is turning, I see him trying really hard not to laugh. It might just be me projecting that on him, but it sure does look like it, and it is amazing.
3) Right towards the end, Amy and Hayden are in the water, about to drown. Amy is in a wetsuit, and has a tank of air, which will keep her alive until help comes. Hayden doesn’t have anything to protect him, but he has a plan. See, his plan is to freeze to death, and then when they are rescued, he can be recussitated, saying the cold temperatures will preserve him. Good plan, right? Well, they get rescued, and Any does DPR on him for like a full minute, but he doesn’t come back. Then the movie ends....no really. Great plan, Hayden, you did it.
It’s Not All Bad
The actor that played Amy was a pretty good actor, although that might be because she was right beside Hayden the whole time. He would make anyone look great comparatively. Plus, her dad was played by Bruce Davidson, who played Senator Kelly in the X-Men movies. So he is an actual actor! That’s really surprising, for an Asylum movie.
Plus, it didn't have that gut-wrenchingly awful Celine Dion song. I have never hated a song more then, or since.
Three-and-a-half exploding boats out of Five
So, another movie down, infinite more to go. At least I am enjoying most of the movies (stupid Travolta and Williams). Next week, I am going to watch a parody movie, one that was released before they became terrible. "Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood" parodies movies such as South Central, Menace II Society, and Boyz n The Hood. It stars the Wayans brothers, but don't worry, this is before they did White Chicks.
Thanks for reading, and see you next week!
Movies by The Asylum
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