Stupid: Buy Stupid Online

 I'm sure it's a vast Right Wing Conspiracy.
I'm sure it's a vast Right Wing Conspiracy. | Source

Stupid: Buy Stupid Online

Should your money burn a hole in your pocket or the bank start sending you checks because you have too much on account, we present a sampling of stupid stuff that can be purchased online.

Don't lay on the couch with nothing to do: flush away a few bucks and receive instant gratification. You money will ends up in the couch folds and you won't see it again until you move to a smaller apartment. The vacuum isn't a tool for recovering lost riches. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Is it stupid to include too many product capsules?

Sentient humans might possess sufficient common sense to overlook products chosen especially for them. On the other hand, HubPages geniuses know what's best for us.

Software operating this handy web site refuses to allow Google access to this well-meaning and artfully constructed article. It has too many product capsules. Apparently Google computers requested HubPages computers to cut back on the advertising. That may be stupid or deviously clever.

I may have ulterior motives for jamming oodles of product capsules in such a small place. You'll never know unless you read onward.

The Stupids

Tom Arnold built a semi-successful media career on the basis of his stupidity. He cashed in on his failed marriage to Roseanne Barr. He co-starred alongside Ahhnold Schwarzenegger in the horrifically trite minor motion picture True Lies.

This classic movie, The Stupids, doesn't include the senseless violence of True Lies but certainly exceeds it in stupidity. If you only have one DVD in your collection, this probably shouldn't be it: that would be stupid.

Stupidity Continues

We trundle along in our stupid ways. Next we present:

  • A bumper sticker,
  • An elephant camo kit,
  • Lipstick,
  • Candy,
  • Charm Bracelet,
  • Rose Gold watch, and
  • Downloadable digital audio.

There Is A Fine Line Between Fishing And Just Sitting There Looking Stupid

Label yourself as a fisherman (fisherperson?) with this adorably cute bumper sticker. Make sure no one thinks you're a brain surgeon or an NRA member or a Democrat. Apply the sticker to a 50 cent SUV and immediately double the value of the vehicle.

Proporta Elephant Camouflage Kit - NEW

Hide your elephant in plain site by camouflaging it. How many wars have been lost because the elephants were spotted as they plodded stealthily across enemy mine fields?

We all need a little help now and then with our strategic elephant concealment. Don't be without crucial elephant-camo gear.

PETA approved (Pachyderm Extra-dermal Transformational Applications).

What do you think?

How are we doing, so far? Has the scrolling down been worth your effort? Are you seeing a payoff in sight? Hopefully you've identified one or more items worthy of your online purchasing enterprises. I know I have.

Therapy Systems Lipstick - Kiss Me Stupid

We're not completely certain as to why lipstick is necessary equipment for coaxing a kiss from a stupid person, but we also laughed at some parts of The Stupids starring Tom Arnold, so we're probably not an authority on lipular makeup.

Toxic Waste Candy

Coercing some people into eating candy can prove problematic. To that end, some company came up with anti-candy packaging in the hopes that more customers might be convinced to put a non-nutritional food product in their mouths. Sure, chocolate is tasty, but one can only eat so many pounds of the stuff before the craving for toxic waste candy sets in.

It's probably not real toxic waste, so nosh away. Feel safe in the knowledge that your teeth may be threatened, but radiation poisoning poses little risk. It may get stupider, but not in this lifetime.

These days any food product replete with sugar seems abhorrent. Some folks complain relative to sugar content of soda pop. If only Big Soda would take out the sugar, we could enjoy a double cheeseburger and mega-fries in blissful peace. That nasty carbohydrate blast drags us all down as a society. None of us are stupid enough to live on soft drinks, but a stroll through Middle America seems to indicate otherwise.

Boys Are Stupid Italian Charm Bracelet

It's stupid and it's European. That may seem redundant, but it gets better: the bracelet carries a message that rings true for elementary school girls since the first one-room school house opened it's wooden doors. "Boys are stupid" just might be the most socially accurate bromide available in the world of personalized Italian costume jewelry.

Well, um, the stupid charm bracelet memorialized above no longer persists on Amazon. That's stupid: perhaps a book about boys being stupid will substitute. Please accept our smart apology for any inconvenience caused herein.

Breguet Classique Complications Tourbillon Messidor Mens Rose Gold Watch 5335BR/42/9W6

Stare at it long enough and you'll get the message: paying over $100,000 for a watch, any watch, even a rose gold watch that's water-resistant to 100 feet, can be accurately characterized as stupid.

Spend your money on something less stupid rather than announce to the world that you might not be the brightest bulb in the drawer. When you need to know what time it is, look at your cell phone or ask your chauffeur.

Stupid Boy (Keith Urban)

Uber dreamy country crooner Keith Urban obviously did not self-title this hit song. We don't know how many stupid cowboys might be riding the range in New Zealand , but since he moved to the Wild West of Nashville, Mr. Urban has demonstrated business acumen that's decidedly not stupid. Variations on the Stupid Boy franchise may be purchased as sheet music, digital recordings, Karaoke versions, and singles.

He might be in urgent need of a modern haircut, but that's not stupid, just shaggy.

No one resists a child genius
No one resists a child genius

Conclusion

It's a stupid world out there. Gear up.

Compliance is really important, especially when selling stupid stuff online. We must fall in line to remain online. Flogging our goods and services, or someone elses' goods and services, obligates high volumes of verbiage. Don't stop and think even once about complacency when it comes to compliance. None of this is stupid.

I. for one, prefer reading words and sentences formed into paragraphs concomitant with article titles. Far be it for me or my ilk to rail on regarding unrelated topics in order to achieve sufficient volume of text. That would be stupid. This article is about stupid but it's not that stupid.

Stupid is:

  • as Republicans do
  • as government does
  • as Google does
  • as Bernie Sanders does
  • as stupid does
  • as Democrats do
See results without voting

Stupid road, Cork, Co. Cork, Ireland

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Comments 5 comments

drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

I want one of every item - especially Keith Urban. Please forward C.O.D.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 5 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@drbj : Ummm... I'm not that stupid. ;)


Robwrite profile image

Robwrite 5 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

I know some people who could definitely use this stuff.

This makes me think of that Abbott and Costello scene...

ABBOTT: "Did you ever go to school, stupid?"

COSTELLO: "Yeah, and I came out the same way."


Tom Whitworth profile image

Tom Whitworth 5 years ago from Moundsville, WV

nicomp,

Too bad you don't give your seal of approval to that classic comedic action movie, "True Lies". You just lost a huge sale from me!!!!!!!!


cally2 5 years ago

I have to take exception to the idea of New Zealand having stupid cowboys. Everyone knows that we have stupid sheepboys here.

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