Ten More Top Ten Most Asked Questions in the World

Shadesbreath reveals more ten most asked questions.
Shadesbreath reveals more ten most asked questions.

More Ten Most Asked Questions in the World

As many of you know, I am fond of deep research and generally pedantic article writing in which I can display seeming knowledge of absolutely nothing with a penchant for making nothing sound like something unless one looks closely and realizes I haven’t said anything at all. So, in keeping with that tradition, I have once again gone to inconsiderable lengths to accumulate the following list, discovering through several minutes of research the ten facts that follow, except those parts that are based in speculation or upon semi-empirical anecdotes, and have thus presented them accordingly and so on. So, further further ado beyond some additional typing to fill up space given the nature of the ads HubPages places at the top of each article--they're very large and if you don't do it right, you can end up with a big, awkward blank space between your opening paragraph and the rest. So, that said, I believe I’m wordy enough here for symmetry and can now get to the heart of the matter: More Ten Most Asked Questions in the World.

1. Are we there yet?

Right answer: No. Not yet.

Wrong answer: Yes, we are there. Don’t let the trees whipping past and the other cars driving by fool you. Go ahead and jump out of the car and have a look around. Take your sister with you.

Commentary: I am sorry that this one appeared first on the list; I'd really hoped for a funny one first, but to establish the scientific credibility of my research, I had to start with this because it truly gets asked the most often if we are talking raw numbers:

According to Childstats.gov there are roughly seventy million children in the U.S. So, using the clinical data of my family as empirical support and figuring the typical family in the U.S. takes 3 road trips per year, and figuring 2.3 children per family, then, doing math, you have 30,434,782 families taking 3 road trips each year, meaning there are over 91 million road trips being taken in any given 365 day span.

Given that an average child will ask, “Are we there yet?” at least 4 times an hour, and the average road trip is 3 hours one way--making 6 hours of driving per round trip--that’s 24 times per child multiplied by the aforementioned 2.3 children, meaning that per trip, we’re talking 55 times it gets asked. With 91 million road trips per year, that means this question gets asked over five billion times per year [5,023,200,000].

So, while I realize that’s not a very exciting opening answer, it’s an accurate one, and that’s why “Are we there yet?” is number one on this list.

Artwork by my awesome artist child, Lauren.
Artwork by my awesome artist child, Lauren.

2. Do I look fat in this dress?

Right answer: No. It’s a little snug around the hips, but we can accessorize with this wrap and it will look great. Plus, it’s doing wonders for your cleavage!

Wrong answer: Yes. In fact, I saw you come out here and suddenly had a craving for milk and something made from pork. But I'm not sure what that means. Anyway, yeah, you look terrible in that, especially in the middle. Looks like someone jammed a water balloon through a napkin ring. Does it hurt?

Commentary: I don't believe this question requires much commentary, so we will just move on.

3. Does size matter?

Right answer: No. It’s the motion of the ocean that matters, not the size of the boat.

Wrong answer: Yes, size does matter. Frankly, I’ve had bowel movements more satisfying. You dropped trow and it was all I could do not to laugh. I’m so sorry, but, just, wow. Maybe some Enzyte and a few thirty-minute sessions with a bladeless Flowbee would help?

Commentary: My only commentary here is to ask, why is the chick in that video using peppers? Wouldn't that burn? Seems like it would burn to me.

More art from Lauren.
More art from Lauren.

4. What time is it?

Right answer: 4:35 (or whatever time it is)

Wrong answer: Apparently it's time to buy a watch. I mean, what do they cost now, a buck at the dollar store? Splurge a little. Maybe pull your cell phone out and have a peek yourself if that's not too much to expect. What did it take me, a second? Oh wait, you wouldn’t know because you don’t have a timepiece handy.

Commentary: If you're wondering why I'm so acidic here, it's because I hate clocks. I think they impose artificial constraints that do nothing to improve the quality in life and, in fact, have quite the opposite effect. But, I risk pontificating, so, I'll move on.

5. When is dinner going to be ready?

Right answer: Around six.

Wrong answer: How about when you get your lazy ass off the couch and make it yourself? 

Commentary: I refuse to comment on this one on the grounds it may further incrimminate me.

Woodchuck chucking wood.  (Yes, I switched art styles on you; my daughter got bored so I'm stuck doing the rest myself.)
Woodchuck chucking wood. (Yes, I switched art styles on you; my daughter got bored so I'm stuck doing the rest myself.)

6. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Right answer: For starters, it totally depends on what you mean by wood and chuck when you ask the question. If you’re just talking about wood, like, chunks of dead tree, and if by chuck you mean, to toss or throw, then the answer becomes one of mass, energy and inclination. Large chunks of wood can only be thrown by strong woodchucks. But even that relies on the desire of the woodchuck to do so, since we are assuming in the question that a “woodchuck could chuck wood,” thus eliminating a need to ask if one could do so given the lack of hands or something. At some point, however, chunks of wood could be too large for even a strong woodchuck, so at that point the answer would have to be “None; a woodchuck can chuck no wood.” But, if the wood was in small chunks, say, the size of a tootsie roll or even a stick of butter, well, then I imagine even an average woodchuck could chuck a great deal of wood, depending on his or her motivation to do so.

Which raises the question why would a woodchuck want to chuck wood to begin with? I mean, obviously it’s important to them or they wouldn’t have named their race “woodchuck,” but still, even as a member of that species, there has to be a great variance in said desire. If we assume there is something at stake, like a terrorist skunk is holding the woodchuck’s babies hostage and going to blast them in the face with skunk juice unless the winter’s firewood gets stacked, then, obviously, there is lots of motivation.

"Oh, I'll do it.  Don't think I won't."
"Oh, I'll do it. Don't think I won't."

But that might not happen a lot. What probably happens more is that it's like a typical teenager woodchuck, then it doesn’t matter how young and strong they are, they are going to have no motivation to chuck wood, preferring to sit around and play woodchuck video games instead.

However, that does not consider the metaphorically possible definitions of wood and chuck. Wood is often a reference to male sexual organs and chuck has often been used to describe the act of vomiting. Now, because this is meant to be an educational hub for all ages, I shant go into it much beyond pointing out the possible implications involving how much wood and chucking a woodchuck would being doing if he was into that sort of thing. High volumes of the latter making you wonder if he is just experimenting with the former for the first time or if there is something else going on.

Wrong answer: Yes.

Commentary: It hardly needs commentary, don't you think?

Well, I had another song on here, but the band wants YouTube only views, so, they get nothing from me now. Good thinking, boys.

7. Do you love me?

Right Answer: Yes

Wrong answer: No, I just want to get into your pants.

Commentary: The wrong answer will be considered the right answer if it works.

8. Is that what you’re wearing?

Right answer: Uh, no? What do you think I should wear?

Wrong answer: No, this was my first attempt at dressing ever, but, thank god for you and your sense of fashion, now I can try again. I love feeling like a two year old, and it’s nice to know that my decision making can’t be trusted for things as simple as choosing clothes. I still can’t believe they trust me to eat with a fork!

Commentary: I'm a guy. I stand by the wrong answer.

9. Do I have something in my teeth?

Right answer: Yes, you have a piece of spinach right there, in the front.


Wrong answer: Um, no, you look great. Let’s go in. Don’t forget to smile and look happy, so you make a good impression with your new boss.

Commentary: You know what I really hate, is when you eat Taco Bell and the flour tortillas leave that pasty white goo between your teeth. In like all of them. It looks like you grinned your way through a swarm of white moths on a Harley doing eighty-five. It's totally gross, and the worst part is how easy it is to forget about if you go through the drive-through and eat on the fly. Show up somewhere later and wonder why everyone's wrinkling up their face at you prompting you to yawning pit-sniffs and all kinds of other self esteem checks.

10. Hey, Doc, what is this thing?

Right answer: It’s probably nothing. We’re just going to run a few tests and make sure, but this is pretty common, and I wouldn’t worry too much.

Wrong answer: Holy crap! Dude, WTF, I’ve been practicing medicine for over thirty years and I’ve never seen anything like this. Wow. That has to hurt like a son of a bitch. Jesus! I wouldn’t make any plans for Christmas if I were you.

Commentary: I know that technically the video on the right is the inflicting of a wound more than anything else, but it's just so funny I confess to fudging my point a bit for the sake of having an excuse to show it.

Conclusion

So, there you have it. More Ten Most Asked Questions in the World. I hope that you have learned something important here that you can take with you into the real world. I know that science of this kind can be complicated, so I tried to put it forward in a way that will not offend anyone, regardless of their gender or academic acuity. If you are offended, please make sure to comment in the comment box below and I will deal with you as necessary.

The Galactic Mage - my new novel. Come have a look at the video trailer, that alone is fun. 90 seconds of awesomeness await!
The Galactic Mage - my new novel. Come have a look at the video trailer, that alone is fun. 90 seconds of awesomeness await! | Source

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Comments 147 comments

Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Do you know why Sally sells sea shells by the sea shore? or How polish it behind the door?

Oh, I found these questions quite funny! But your prose on the other hand....


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

I know, I reread and found typos. My wife is rushing me so I had to hurry. Should be clean. I'll reread again tonight. (Unless you meant something else.)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

I think it grossly unfair to be so funny that now my mascara is trickling down my cheeks, Shades. If you dare change a thing, I'll -=- I'll -=- I'll -=- -- have to call you a big old gracious thing!

hahaha


efab profile image

efab 6 years ago from UK

Very funny - and so right !!!!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Well, Nellieanna, the upside of mascara is that it reapplies, so, you're good. And don't worry, I don't think I'll change anything. I did some tweeking right after I hit publish, but I think it's good enough to leave alone outside of correcting typos that somehow continue to pop up even weeks after I have totally fixed them all.

Efab: thanks. I like to think my deep and time consuming research paid off here. Or something. :D


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

This was a hoot! Heck, you're turning into Hal Lucino with all the articles your publishing. When you post 12 in an hour I'll know you've made the change. Did he bite you under a full moon or something?

But really, this was a most enjoyable read. I definitely like the wrong answers better. I'm going to make sure I use them in the future!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

You got me with “without further adieu”. :-))

And is that drawing really your daughter’s? Excellent stuff! How old is she?


myownworld profile image

myownworld 6 years ago from uk

I can say with confidence that out of all your work I've read so far, I loved this the most! Vintage shades I'd call it. Lol... 'what time is it' and when will dinner be' - the two perennial 'mantras' of my family ....and 'do you love me' is definitely the one we women love asking! Thank you for the smiles... awesome -ed it too. :)


emievil profile image

emievil 6 years ago from Philippines

'Honey, do I look fat in this dress?' - LOL, used to ask my husband this but nowadays, I don't anymore simply because I can see his reaction when I step out of the dressing room. :)

Love the hub Shadesbreath, funny, witty and so true! Thanks.


lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

Damned woodchucks...Great hub!


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Lauren's drawings are so cute! She has talent. I was just kidding about the prose. It's very readable and really funny. The videos are great too. You couldn't have picked a better one than the Blues Brothers to replace that OnlyYouTube one.

I agree that peppers are a poor choice for the boyfriend's size comparison. Maybe carrots would do better?


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 6 years ago from Ontario/Canada

Shadesbreath! Thank you for answering more of the really important questions of life. The world as of now is a better and easier place to live.

as always a hoot

regards Zsuzsy


theherbivorehippi profile image

theherbivorehippi 6 years ago from Holly, MI

lmao...LOVE this hub! Oh my gosh..I just laughed so hard over a few of them (clearly i have given the wrong answer sometimes) lol


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

I know, CHristoph, I have been cranking them out lately. But I had a tiny window between school being done and starting my novel (which I finally did yesterday... part of my rush on this one), so I cranked out my list of ideas as best I could. Be surprised if I do too many more now, but you never know.

Hey De Greek! Yes, the cartoons are hers. The color ones at least. The two woodchuck ones I did because she got bored after the first two. But her fat lady and the time/clock ones are hers. She's done a lot of stuff for me. She did some for my 10 Worst Species to be a Guy hub, the Cats Love us More than Dogs one, A Poke in the Eye, and two really cool anime/manga style black and whites for the Trademark hub.

MOW: Thanks for the "awesome-ded"... appreciate that. And yes, this is more in keeping with my initial hubs. I felt with all the boring ones I've done lately, those who take the time to read my stuff deserved a break and a chuckle. :D

Emievil: I think that's smart on your part. I know I never ask my wife how I look in a dress, I can always tell by her look too. I mean, it's usually her dress anyway, and I'm a good 120 lbs heavier than her (and almost a foot taller), so the look is kinda more, "Woah, you just destroyed my dress" than a "You look fat," but, I think it's the same, so I think I totally understand how it feels.

Lorlie: Yep, those woodchucks are just, well, they are, aren't they?

Austinstar: LOL, I was like, WTF did I miss, after I saw your comment, but my wife was like WE HAVE TO GO so I had to leave right then too. The whole time I was haunted by what had I missed. Actually came back and tweaked some stuff that I was too lazy to the first time anyway, so, worked out well. (And yeah, carrots = way better choice IMO.)

Zsuzsy: You are quite welcome. I knew that you people needed this information, so I was happy to provide my wealth of universal understanding to the masses. :P

Theherbivorehippi: Sometimes the wrong answer is the right answer, especially if we use the way it makes us feel to say it over the way it makes them feel as how we guage rightness. However, in a PC world like ours, I would never say that outloud, so you'll have to pretend I never said that.


secularist10 profile image

secularist10 6 years ago from New York City

Very thought-provoking article. My thoughts have officially been provoked. But I think you forgot one: what's up?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Aha! Secularist, you have just added to the list for "Another More 10 Most Asked Questions in the World" hub. That is an awesome one, and I could totally have a ball with that! Thanks. And I am glad your thought have been provoked, although I hope they do not try to attack my thoughts, for my thoughts are terrible in a fight and would surely flail at you in that sort of fingers and wrists thing that is just horribly emasculating in a thought fight.


Sparhawke profile image

Sparhawke 6 years ago from Manchester

Nice list, but a "chuck" is actually a more obscure word for clamp, so in the case of our little friend the woodchuck he would be literally names woodclamp :)

Just in case you were wondering.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

That's a harder rhyme to work with: How much wood would a woodclamp clamp if a woodclamp could clamp wood. I mean, some of it still works, because why would it want to clamp wood to begin with? But a more interesting question resides in what kind of clamp is a woodclamp clamping wood with? Etc.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

You probably didn't "do" autograph books in your childhood, but in mine, they were "in". My mother ALWAYS wrote in my newest book & ALWAYS wrote the verse about the woodchucks. I guess it dated back to her kidhood in the late 1890s.

Anyway - I got a big surge of nostalgia out of that in your hub. And what really good artists both you & your daughter are! Creative juices surely run in your family! :-)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Well, I'm glad I could provide the trigger for a nice nostalgia trip. My travel agency fees are reasonable, so just leave your credit card number and I'll take what you owe for that and call it done. :) And, yeah, we're an artistic lot. But we make up for it by being financial train wrecks. Although, my daughter may have learned from our spontanaeity, as she does save.


Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 6 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

Very funny and very well observed. Lucky you to have such a talented daughter! (Not too bad yourself either!)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Thanks Gypsy Willow. Sometimes the funniest stuff is the stuff that's just out there for everyone to see, eh? The comic gets crediting for speaking the obvious sometimes. And yes, she is a colossal talent. We're hoping she'll end up in art school after finishing high school next year.


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

This was great. One of the best. All great humor is full of truth. It was cool to see your avatar reversed too. Gave the little guy even more depth and personality. Makes me want to 'friend' him on Facebook.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hi Stan! I agree, reality is the best comedy writer of all. Just have to be watching, I suppose. :) You know, it's funny you mention that Facebook thing. I've been thinking about doing that. Perhaps I should.


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

Shades - I was a reluctant Facebooker. With my ADD, I wasn't sure if I needed more unsolicited distractions. I'm using it for biz purposes now more than anything. I have about 500 friends. I know about 100 of them. It's a good place to promote hubs.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

I keep being tempted. You've further tempted my temptationness. BUt then, I'd have to Twitter too. And wow, could I possibly be any later to that party?


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

I just started twittering last week, and for biz reasons. I still don't 'get it'. "They" say its the thing to do, and who is to argue with "they"? Facebook's kinda cool, but left unchecked, it can take you to a whole new level in your time wasting skills. I've never needed much help there. I'm cracking up - Having me visit your hubs has dropped your score by a point.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Damn! You're taking out my hub scores, eh? Maybe it's time to do laundry or something. I mean, I don't mind so much, but if you start scaring off the chicks, well, that would be a problem.


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

Sorry dude. Are you on some kind of hubcation today or something? You've been here all day.


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

Just dropped another point. You're going to have to send a notification to hubpages and ban me from your comments. Tell them I'm a spammer or something.


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

I just came by again to see if you were down in the 80's yet. You seem to be holding at 98. I'm thinking someone else is to blame. I'm guessing someone from the Titan Methane NASA forum came through and down-rated your stuff. Just a guess.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 6 years ago from California Gold Country

Please guys-- Can't we get along? You are both great. Shades, read my 'motherly 'advice on Stan's hub.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Stan, yes, last day of vacation, so, been around, doing assorted writing projects and generally not leaving my puter. Also, DUDE, WTF are you doing to my hubscore? :P

(just lol at that forum, figured you might enjoy that)

Hi Rochelle...I'll go now and see. I hope you gave him a good talking too. He needs it.


Shinkicker profile image

Shinkicker 6 years ago from Scotland

Smashin Hub Shadesbreath

The woodchuck conundrum willl run and run

I can relate to No.10, my Doc said "We don't know!" NOT "I don't know!" but "we" as in the whole medical professsion.

Luckily it was nothing serious :-)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hi Shinkicker. Glad to hear it was nothing serious. Kinda funny to see how people use pronouns to avoid looking individually in the dark, eh?


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

The joke is on me, my friend. Your score went back to 100, while mine plummeted to 95 sometime during the night. Know anything about this?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

I sent cases of wine to hubstaff and mentioned those mean things you said about them in the note.


SilverGenes 6 years ago

My face hurts - I am going to have to ration myself.

Your child is talented!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

It's like aerobics for your cheeks. I should charge you rates as a facial fitness trainer or something. (And yes, the child has skills to be sure. I'm very proud of her, and will let her know you appreciate her cartoons. :)


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

Call them off Shades! I went down a few more points today. I can almost hear you giggling, you 'b' word.

OK OK, YOUR CHILD IS TALENTED. I'VE NEVER SEEN BETTER ART. NOT EVEN MICHELANGELO OR REMBRANDT! Now, call em off.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Well, how can I not help out someone who appreciates how awesome my kid is. Very well. I'll make a few calls, see if I can't get them to take the cement shoes off. :)


zotophe profile image

zotophe 6 years ago from India

Hello?

Is the World's most asked question. beyond language barriers.

Isn't it?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hi Zotophe: I think the world's most asked questions are indeed universal. Perhaps the woodchuck question loses something in translation, but I doubt there is anyone on the planet that is still not endlessly curious to know how much wood that rodent can toss, even without rhyme or homophones or anything else.


Sandyspider profile image

Sandyspider 6 years ago from Wisconsin, USA

Size does matter. I have Zucchini in my Zazzle shop to prove it. Great top ten.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Lawl... I'm not touching that one! :D


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

Shades this is my second reading of your hubs after being introduced to you by De Greek. The first hub I read of yours was Vlad the Inhaler and I almost sent myself to the hospital in a laughing fit, my pacemaker battery nearly failed on me:-) omg and now you've done it to me again, I don't know how much I can take of your genius, are you Robin Williams in disguise, he and George Carlin are my all time comedians. This time I barely made it to the head to squirt, you drew it right out of me again, in another laughing fit. If you don't see anymore comments from me, you will know that I have passed and I am laying very still RIP with a big smile on my face. Thanks again for this great read, but please be merciful, should I be warned before I come to another of your Hubs? enter at your own risk, deadly humor awaits those you can't hold in their laughter. LOL


Eric Calderwood profile image

Eric Calderwood 6 years ago from USA

I enjoyed your hub. Loved the pictures as well. I think another question you should consider one of the most asked is, "How do you plead, guilty or not guilty?"


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Saddlerider, I'm glad that I can cause you such humor-begotten misery/joy? lol. You have no idea how much joy it is to hear such things, especially given how hard it is to get the comedy stuff read. So, I'm really glad you are having fun. Thanks so much for saying to, it truly is the payment I get for taking a chance on the humor. You hit publish on a "funny" hub and it's like, Well, they're either going to laugh or think I'm a moron; it's in the hands of fate. :)

Hi Eric. Thanks for reading it. Both me and my daughter appreciate your appreciating our art too (I'll let her know she got another kudo's too). And, that's a great question... see, the comments are actually getting me free questions for a part three that I don't even have to think of, I can just mess with them. SO thanks. I can have a lot of fun with that one... hmm... what shall be the crime? :D


lightning john profile image

lightning john 6 years ago from Florida

Thanks Shadesbreath, It's a breath of fresh air to read this when times are a little gloomy for people right now, you have made my day!


MariannGood profile image

MariannGood 6 years ago

A sincere answer with loving concern for one another. Thanks for highlightning how life can be for people.

I enjoyed reading it!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Lightning John, I'm glad to help add some cheer. I hope the gloomy folks can find the good things in their lives and stay focused on those while the rough patch passes. :) Thanks for reading my hub, and I appreciate the comment to.

Hello Mariann, and thanks for commenting. You should know sincerity and concern are always the cornerstone of my stuff, even when it appears I am being disingenuous. :D


Benson Yeung profile image

Benson Yeung 6 years ago from Hong Kong

It's unethical to be listing those right answers to someone who consistently gives the wrong answers, after the quiz is over.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

BENSON! DUDE! How have you been, bro? I hope everything is awesome in your world.

And yeah, it does sort of suck to find out what you should have said, after you already butchered the answer, eh?


Cris A profile image

Cris A 6 years ago from Manila, Philippines

I have a problem with your title. I mean when you say "Ten More Top Ten Most Asked Questions in the World" it implies that there's another batch of top tenners that precedes this list. And if that's the case, the top tenners here aren't the top tenners in actuality but more like the top 11-20. So logically, the title is misleading. I would have to flag this for misleading me. Sorry. :D

PS But you may explain yourself using statistics and algorithms and anything with numbers (that should confound me bigtime and force me to believe you with nary a question) :D


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

I won't confound you with sastistics and Al Gore's rhythm, despite my general mastery of those subjects by which, had I elected to spend a paragraph or so I could have had you emailing me your credit card numbers. I won't do that. However, I will just say thank you for getting the joke. You know, sometimes, with these things, you put stuff in there and, well, they work or they don't, you figure people missed it or you missed it thinking it was... something. So, just, you have no idea how gratified I am that you "called me on that." I was giggling the whole time I kept messing with how to say that in a way that "couldn't be missed." So, just, yeah. Thanks. The universe can seem lonely sometimes.


Cris A profile image

Cris A 6 years ago from Manila, Philippines

Haha Sometimes I find myself spending as much time reading comments and responses as I do reading the actual hubs. And yours is no exception which makes me think...could I get away with collecting your comments/responses and make a hub of it. I've been called many things but never funny. Classy, effortless funny, I mean. The last frontier.


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 6 years ago from India

Haha...makes you wonder why people bother asking such questions at all! :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Chris: You could get away with it if you thought it worth while. There have been some fun exchanges on some of my hubs with some pretty funny people giving great lines to play off too. And definitely a few places where people's comments piqued my sarcastic side. Might be something worth mining in there for comedic value.

Feline Prophet: What?

(lol)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

SB - better use any credit card I provide with great caution! They're set to backfire! hehe


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

I'll wear a bomb squad suit when I swipe it. No worries.


SteveoMc profile image

SteveoMc 6 years ago from Pacific NorthWest

Your writing is hysterical. I am still laughing here. You have inspired me to write a new hub in a sort of related way. You got me hooked, I'll be back!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Sweet! I love being inspiring. I hope you'll come back and post the link so that I and everyone else can A) See your cool hub, and B) See just how much my inspiringness can inspire! Think hou fabulous that will be for my already colossal vanity!


Kael Myril profile image

Kael Myril 6 years ago from Tacoma, WA

Absolutely fantastic! I look forward to reading more.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Why thank you, Kael Myril. I look forward to your forward looking reading. :)


epigramman profile image

epigramman 6 years ago

one more top ten question: is it true that you have the same brilliant inquisitive mind as Stephen Hawking - yes!!!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Why, Epigramman, that is a question I get asked EVERY day, and, as has everyone else, you have chosen the correct answer. I do, in fact, share brilliance with Steve. Why, just the other day he and I were chilling out under the stars contemplating the universe. Steve says to me, "Yo, Shades, so in the end, what do you think, you know, about it all?" And I said, "Yeah, man, totally." So, yeah, he and I are like, right there.


mythbuster profile image

mythbuster 6 years ago from Utopia, Oz, You Decide

I may have been the first person to check off "useful" when I up-voted you, Shadesbreath... I'm glad you supplied the right and wrong answers (in your opinion) to these top questions... apparently I've been giving some of the wrong answers... no wonder I'm often in trouble with people when I am just answering a question honestly lol I must remember to be honest about spinach in teeth but "kind" when answering about "fatness" questions!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Yes, it is so easy to land on the wrong side of these questions sometimes. Being human is a tough maze to navigate sometimes. We do the best we can. Thanks for the useful vote. I think you get bonus dollars for those.


jill of alltrades profile image

jill of alltrades 6 years ago from Philippines

Hahaha! I truly enjoyed this! I just love your sense of humor!

Thanks for starting my laughing exercise. Hahaha!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Well, Jill, as someone who steadfastly believes in exercise as the most important thing to be generally avoided, I'm glad that the choice you made was one of laughter.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

I managed to keep my composure up to this line: "Large chunks of wood can only be thrown by strong woodchucks."

After that, containment was futile.

So... based on your research, it seems that chucking wood is not really a natural act for woodchucks. If they were meant to throw wood (of whatever size) wouldn't they be called woodchuckERS?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

OMG, MM, what a brilliant etymological observation and one worthy of deep consideration. However, since I'm far too far into this twelver, you will get whatever comes out as I just keep typing right now:

Without the "ers" then what we have is a noun and a present tense verb, a totally current tense. Like, right now. Wood chuck. It's not even a participial verb that could become a noun and gain permanence (woodchucking). So it sort of locks them into this requirement of being perpetually at woodchucking, otherwise they would be done, making them woodchucked, or making them more generally woodchuckers, thus freeing them up to chuck when they feel so inclined. But, that's not what they are, they are woodchucks, so, they need to do it now. Which they aren't. At least not all of them. And so all of them are unhinged, thus pointing the finger at the last part of my article instead. Hmmmm. Wow, see, that's what I have always loved about you. Your mind is so keen, it's humbling. Thank you for that


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Um, thanks for the clarification -- I think I understand the difference now!

The main concern is the sheer amount of time and energy expended on Question #6 in comparison with the other 9 questions. All of the answers are fabulous, but this one gets the prize for being the woodchuckiest:-).


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

That's because my daughter blew me off and made me draw my own pictures, and there was no way I was going to draw pictures without beefing up the text. :)

Besides, that was the only total BS question, so it needed more given that it lacked an actual human element. lol.

Uh, which is not to say that this entire article is not totally serious and scientific etc.


strutzas profile image

strutzas 6 years ago from Kualapuu, Hawaii

really funny but i think that's true.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hi Strutzas, and thanks for the comment, and I think you are right about the truth. Some of the truths about us humans are funny if we look at them. :)


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, this is so funny! Do you know I have been so fed up and a miserable blah blah today! it's my birthday, and I am feeling sorry for myself as nothing spectacular happened! lol but then I came and read this and I couldn't stop laughing! well done, you are the only one to put a smile on my face today! cheers nell


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Well good. I'm glad. And HApPy BiRthDaY!!!! (See, even with fancy, birthday caps and stuff for an extra festive feel.) Thanks for reading this too. This was fun to write and I can't tell how much I amused myself drawing that skunk picture envisioning the dread blast that would stinkify those helpless baby woodchucks. Muahahahahahaha.


DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 6 years ago from Oakley, CA

Loved the 'are we there yet' 'wrong' answer... hahaha... been there so many times when my kids were growing up. Right answer: we are there when the car stops moving, unless it's in traffic at a signal or at a potty stop. When the engine stops, we are probably there...unless we have run out of gas...

(smirk)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Haha, yes, DzyMsLizzy, I think that question truly is one of those universals for parents. It's impossible to have kids, a car and not have heard that. So is avoiding potty stops frequently too. lol.


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

Hilarious, Shadesbreath - and the comments were as funny as the hub! Do you know "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers"?

I used to love going to a state park in Kentucky, where the animals begged for food. Once there were skunks, but alas, a skunk got into one of the rooms, and you can imagine.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hi Mysterlady! I agree with you about the comments. One of the great joys of writing (or trying to write) comedy hubs is the people who read and comment are often the best source of hilarity. It's one of the currencies of payback for the effort, you know? Just like nice comments like yours are. :) (And, yeah, I can imagine what it was like, having grown up in the country and had a few, what we called, 'skunk years.' Yuck.)


charanjeet kaur profile image

charanjeet kaur 6 years ago from Delhi

Lol, I laughed so hard in the middle of the night that I woke my partner. Hilarious, wow the answers are so witty. I have asked these questions myself and hoped that I got right answers in return. Wishful thinking, so glad I read this after such a tired and hectic day. It really is an art of pure humor.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

You have no idea how happy that makes me to hear Charanjeet Kaur. It is my intent to be as obnoxious with my humor as possible, and if I can give one person a laugh and yet manage to wake someone else up in the doing, I get both humor and obnoxious goals met in one reading. That is a fine reward for my effort! Thanks. :)


Jane Bovary profile image

Jane Bovary 6 years ago from The Fatal Shore

Frightfully funny..no really, haha. I'm not sure what was funnier, the hub or the commentary box but I'm definitely keeping no. 1 up my sleeve for future use.

And I seriously loved your drawings...you could have been Ernest H. Shephard.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Well that's an amazingly nice thing to say. Thank you, Jane. :) If you were bored sometime and wanted to see a bit more of that sort of drawing silliness, I might try to convince you to check out my hub called "Vlad the Inhaler" as it has some of that sort of thing in it too. Bottom line, however, is thank you for reading, finding the humor and commenting. It means a lot.


thirdmillenium profile image

thirdmillenium 6 years ago from Here, There, Everywhere

Pity this is not a popular print magazine. Milllions would have enjoyed reading this the way i did: thoroughly


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

THanks thirdmillenium. If I had a popular print magazine to write for, I would enjoy having millions read it. I suppose I should send stuff off to them, but I have fiction works that I already struggle to stay focused on. So, in the meantime, I'd rather make a few people laugh than no one. :) So thanks.


Zac828 profile image

Zac828 6 years ago from England

What a great hub, really great. And so true, I have found my brain saying one thing and my lips emparting something completely different on many occasions. I found it weird, but now I know that I am not alone. Good work, I will follow you more.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hi Zac, thanks for reading. I went and checked out some of your hubs too. You are very poetic. I'm enjoying your stuff so far. Glad you popped in.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Brilliant, I so needed this tonight after a day of receiving really sad news. Thanks for taking my mind of this and making me smile Shades.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hey, long time no see, stranger. I'm sorry to hear you've had bad news. :( But I'm glad I could provide a smile at least. Sending you good energy.


BumptiousQ profile image

BumptiousQ 6 years ago from Asheville, NC

A true classic. Absolutely loved it. Great fun!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

BumptiousQ, thanks for the read and comment. It's always nice to know people get my jokes, you know?


BumptiousQ profile image

BumptiousQ 6 years ago from Asheville, NC

Very rich stuff! Truly good fun. You seem like the kind of guy who might like the lil satirical hub I posted a little while ago (Make Mega$$$ With Effortless Ease!). Wander over and check it out if you'd like.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

I did go check it out. That is a nice piece of satire, and that really, sadly, is just about how marketing is really is anymore too. I'm glad I'm not the only one taking shots at marketers on here, lol. That hub reminds me of one of my earliest hubs, Excrement Inc., which was one of the reasons I really got hooked on HP for how fun it was to parody that kind of stuff.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US

LOL< Morning, I like all the questions, hehehe, Thanks for the laugh and the satire, like it, Maita


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hi Prettydarkhorse, I'm glad my deep, philosophical questions amused you. Thanks for reading them and for taking the time to comment. :)


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 6 years ago from Upstate New York

Man, I'm on your list from now on. This just ROCKS!!!!!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Thanks, Paradise. I sling them out there and hope someone is amused. Nice to hear when it works. :)


ocoonocoon profile image

ocoonocoon 6 years ago

That's great, I like the "Are we there yet" one. Great calculation skills!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Nothing spells FUN like math, eh Ocoonocoon?


spryte profile image

spryte 6 years ago from Arizona, USA

Remind me never to piss in your Cheerios. :P


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Well, hopefully I won't have to, but I will keep that in mind. (Nice to see you again, stranger. Where you been?)


spryte profile image

spryte 6 years ago from Arizona, USA

Eating Kashi bars, doing 10 miles, 6 days a week on a stationary bike in the gym and ogling the eye candy. They think it's sweat...but it's drool.

I need a kick in the ass to finish several pieces that I've started. It's like I run out of gas after a page of notes...but I know they'd be great if I could only finish them. I'd tell you what the current one is about...because the concept makes me giggle...but if I don't finish it then you'd just be left hanging there and then I'd feel guilty and I just don't need that kind of stress.

What's new with you? :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

LOL @ drool rather than sweat. Gyms are like that though, all the hot bodies up in the front by the mirror, duos of ripped, muscle-bound guys spotting each other and looking like they've just stepped down from Olympus while shapely, perfect specimens of the female physique strut about in spandex shorts and sports bras making me feel like perv and lecherous old goat as I wheeze my way past mile marker number 1 with no incline at all, thump-thumping my humilation out on the drum-like surface of a tatty old treadmill stuffed in the back of the gym by a staff that doesn't want any potential new customers to see me in case I die. (sigh)

Nothing else new. Just work, writing, and school starting up again. :D


spryte profile image

spryte 6 years ago from Arizona, USA

LOL at the imagery! Most of the hot bods at this gym belong to the staff...although occasionally a member comes in to flaunt his/her "I want to bounce something off that tummy" abs. Most of the members (this being AZ after all) are of the retired variety.

I really must write a parody of this experience...


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

You should. This place needs more parody. Reilly is a slacker, BT is an absent bunny, De Greek is being serious right now, and you are a flakey pixie who doesn't write anything anymore.


Jewels profile image

Jewels 6 years ago from Australia

Well that was damn fine, and fun and fabulous. You certainly are class Shades.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hi Jewels. Thanks for that awesome compliment and fine alliteration.


culturespain 6 years ago

Good title - I was really curious to see what the top ten were!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Thanks, Culturespain. I like to think of it as SEO in the service of good. :)

I usually nuke links, but I'm leaving yours and going to go read it actually.


spryte profile image

spryte 6 years ago from Arizona, USA

I write comments. :P

I do have a few things brewing in my head, but they refuse to plant themselves on paper (or monitor as it were) at the moment. Wish I could force it...but it never seems to work that way.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Just start typing.


eventsyoudesign profile image

eventsyoudesign 6 years ago from Nashville, Tennessee

Funny stuff. I think I was laughing a little too loud. I woke my husband from his nap. It was worth it.

Teresa


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Good, he shouldn't be napping when there is yard work to be done.


eventsyoudesign profile image

eventsyoudesign 6 years ago from Nashville, Tennessee

I don't know why I came back to read this article again. I guess I needed another good laugh. Ha! Ha! Ha! And I got one too.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Well, you were probably in the need of answers from science, like this clearly is. So you came back to where you knew the research was sound. :D


debbiesdailyviews profile image

debbiesdailyviews 6 years ago

Very funny.

In fact I could easily fall out with you as I thought I was funny too.

But we all know what thought did hahaha

I also love the , " yes your check is in the post "

Lies Lies Lies.

Great Hub, keep em laughing that's the key to life : }


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Well, Debbiesdailyviews, my whole goal is to keep em laughing and guessing and falling out as much as possible, avoiding thought of any focus, until I get away with whatever it is I am conspiring too. It's a devilish plan to be sure, but I'm up to it in theory.

(Thanks for reading and commenting :)


rotl profile image

rotl 6 years ago from Florida

Loved the list. "Are we there yet?" is a personal favorite... I used to drive my parents crazy with that one. Although "Do I look fat in this dress?" is the most important question ever asked and answered.

I like the sketches, they add a very rustic feel.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

I would be surprised if you did NOT drive your parents crazy with that, Rotl. It is a genetically enforced law that all children must. We are compelled by forces set in motion long before birth to do it. Just as we are destined to suffer it from the endlessly moving lips of our children in the never ending cycle of life. :)

(Thanks for reading and commenting.)


Shane Belceto profile image

Shane Belceto 6 years ago from WA USA

Boy you put some thought into this that is for sure ... lol

I must say after the math in #1 my brain was fried so I will have to return another day to see if I can grasp some of the rest of this great HUB.

~Expect Miracles


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hi Shane, thanks for coming. I hope you do make it back, because the wood chucks is the best part (I swear they stole a commercial idea from me and put it on TV). lol.


Dee aka Nonna profile image

Dee aka Nonna 6 years ago

You responded to a question I asked in a forum so I decided to check out your site and I found this. I really like it... it fun and serious and thought provoking... can't want to read more. Thank you!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Well that is very kind of you. Thanks. I do wish you well in your writing here at HP. I think you will have fun if you give it time. :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

I thought I would check out some more of your writing while I was avoiding the question "What's for dinner, mom?".

This was awesome. Your daughter is wicked talented. The fat lady is classic.

I loved the clip with Will Farrell, I didn't expect the mosquito on his back... gross, and yet still better than having to suck it up and make dinner.

This was great! You've got skills. Of course, I'm sure you must know that. I feel like I'm learning a lot between you and Mr. Manboobs, Stan. It's like a free class in humor writing. Thanks!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Hi again, sueroy333. If you haven't seen that Land of the Lost, it's worth watching. I'm not a huge fan of Will Farrel, though he has grown on me this last four or five years, it's definitely wayyy funnier than the commercials made it look (which is pretty rare honestly, and almost always it works the exact opposite).

Speaking of Manboobs, he's cranked out some new ones; I reckon I need to go catch up now that company is gone. :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

My kid said it was on Netflix- guess what educational television we'll be watching tonight? :O)

Thanks for the heads up. She's a HUGE Will Farrel fan!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Let me know if you laugh as hard as I did. I bet you do.


CathyandDaveAdopt profile image

CathyandDaveAdopt 5 years ago from The Med City

by Dave,

Fortunately, I wasn't drinking milk - or anything ELSE for that matter! That was hilarious!!!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Thanks Dave. That's nice to hear. :)


arthurchappell profile image

arthurchappell 5 years ago from Manchester, England

The wrong answers here are very funny. Great Hub


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Sometimes, the wrong answers seem awfully right, don't they? :D Thanks for reading.


BlissfulWriter profile image

BlissfulWriter 5 years ago

The first paragraph that was used to "fill up space" is funny. Read that first. But avoid watching that first video (especially if you are a kid). Jumping out of a moving car from a bridge is very dangerous.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

HI BlissfulWriter, glad you found the humor in that. :)

As for the moving car video, I imagine in this world of Jackass the Movie in its like fourth or fifth sequel, there is little kids today haven't already seen of stupid ideas to try. Frankly, it never ceases to amaze me what constitutes "fun" these days. I know, that makes me sound like an old man. "Hey you kids, get off my lawn!" lol.


BenWritings profile image

BenWritings 5 years ago from Save me from, Tennessee

lol! loved it! the best one was hey doc what is this thing?

great stuff! thanks :]


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

LOL, yeah, that one made me laugh when it popped in my head. Thanks for reading and commenting. :)


Just a hubber profile image

Just a hubber 5 years ago from Arkansas

love the part about the woodchucks, that could almost be a whole hub itself.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Hi Just a hubber. You know, that one did sort of take off on it's own for a bit, didn't it. :D


Jon Hunt profile image

Jon Hunt 5 years ago

The woodchucks one and Hey, Doc were classic!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Hi Jon. Glad you liked those. The woodchucks are my favorite too. :)


princesswithapen profile image

princesswithapen 4 years ago

Haha! I almost spilled my coffee. Hilarious!

Princesswithapen


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California Author

That is my goal, Princesswithapen, to make people spill beverages. I'm actually a sales facilitator for a keyboard company and this is how I make money for my employer. :D

(Thanks for reading, and commenting.)


Starmom41 4 years ago

haha reminds me of MAD's "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions"!!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California Author

Hah! I forgot all about that. I wonder if that sort of thing leaked into my DNA growing up and is responsible for this kind of stuff in my writing now. I bet it did. I used to LOVE Mad Magazine!


MrsBrownsParlour profile image

MrsBrownsParlour 3 years ago from Chicagoland, Illinois

Funny!!! Thanks to Rod Rainey for sharing on Facebook.

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