Tequila and Happy Bombs

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Happy Bombs for Everyone!

We’re coming upon a new year. In celebration of this momentous occasion I would like to offer the solution to the majority of the world's conflicts. It sounds simplistic, but I’m sure of its success. The solution is Happy Bombs, and Tequila.

Happy bombs are for the wars over seas, when we need to take over a large area of enemy combatants. For the areas with the fiercest enemies, I believe we should take bombs filled with laughing gas, and drop 50 or so of them.

Then we wait.

Fifteen minutes later our guys can walk right in and take over the place without a shot being fired. Awesome. That would make me happy. Odds are, even the enemies would rather be laughing than dead.

"Ohh, dude, we're so captured."

"Yeah, but nothing's been blown off. Sweet!"

For everything else… tequila.

You’re boarding an airplane, and the detector goes off, they pull you out of line. What will it be? A strip search? A body scan? A cavity search with Bubba? How about a few shots of tequila? I’ve never known anyone who can keep a secret, or their clothes on, after a certain amount of tequila. Come to think of it, you may end up doing your own strip search, but it will be way more fun.

The FBI catch a suspected terrorist, they’re holding him at Guantanamo Bay, interrogating him. They waterboard him. The information they have may or may not be the truth. This is not very efficient.

Half a bottle of tequila for that boy. (Not Top Shelf, of course, keep the good stuff for the Americans-sorry, but I’m an American, and it’s my idea, so my country gets the good stuff- deal with it. OK, if you're a law abiding citizen in your own country and not trying to kill me, I may share.)

Drink, my little terrorist friend, drink. After he’s one drink away from being wasted enough to kill a shark with his bare butt, he’ll tell you anything you want to know.

Apparently they have sodium pentathol that is supposed to do the same thing, but is that stuff really any good if they’re having to waterboard? I say tequila is better; the FBI can shoot it into the terrorist’s veins if it makes them feel better.


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Just think how efficiently everything would run if we just used Happy Bombs and tequila instead of blow-em-up bombs and beating the crap out of the criminals. (The cops can still beat on them after they get the information, that way it's a win-win situation.)

Criminals. They can’t have Top Shelf either. But they should have tequila. Can you imagine? Instead of this conversation:

“I’m sorry Sergeant Tuff Guy, but we’ve tried everything. We know he’s the guy, but he won’t confess and we don’t have enough evidence, we have to let him walk.”

We would hear this conversation:

“Hey, hiccup, Sergeant Tuff-n-gus, I did it. Yeppppp. Thas right. Me. Ok, sho Tommy onefingersh helped me ‘caush I can’t loads guns very wells, but I shot that gun. That wass some fine shootin’. I killed ‘em dead wish one shot! Is it hot in here? I feel like I shhhould take my clothesssh off.”

“Book ‘em Danno”

What about all these domestic squabbles you see on shows like Jerry Springer?.

“He’s not the daddy.”

Really? Have some tequila.

“He’s the daddy, wanna see my boobs?”

or…

(Woman)“He was sleeping with my sister, I knowd he was!!”

Really? Why don’t you both have some tequila?

(Man)“I was sleeping with your brother, (beep), take that!”

Problem solved. Oops, wait, sister needs some tequila….

(Sister) “You were sleeping with my brother, Hell, I was sleepin’ with my brother!!”

Perhaps a Happy Bomb would be in order here.

The moral of the story is make love, not war. No, wait, that’s not the moral.The moral is drugs can be good when used properly, and there is always, always, always a use for tequila.

OK, there is no moral. Just a hope for the future. Grab some Top Shelf Tequila Gold and toast to a better tomorrow. Have one for me.

Comments 27 comments

jellio_123 profile image

jellio_123 5 years ago

Sueroy333...

While I am not sure about your mega joint theory, I am totally with you w/r/t the tequila method. I think you are on to something BIG. I too have seen what tequila can do (hey I went to college), and it is far more effective than any other torture method out there. Tequila is a magical elixir...It could solve the world's problems...


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Jellio- I published this before I was done editing it... oops. I agree with you about the mega-joint. I put it in there thinking about the movie "Mel Brook's History of the World part 1", but when I looked back, it really didn't fit.

Thanks for stopping by! I really enjoyed reading some of your hubs this morning. I'm honored you spent some your precious time reading my stuff. (any time you get when your kids are little is precious!!!)

Thanks for the comment too!! It was very helpful, and let me know I was right in my editing. :) MUCH appreciated!


Kaie Arwen profile image

Kaie Arwen 5 years ago

Too true and too funny............. this was great! Thanks, Kaie


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Shue,

Loved the, hic, idea. Have to take all the bombs and guns away while they are "merry" coz, no way I want the guys armed when they wake up with the mother of all hangovers...

I have another idea for a non lethal weapon. Send in armies of three year olds who have discovered the words "why" and "no". Cruel and unusual, sure, but...

Chris


CathyandDaveAdopt profile image

CathyandDaveAdopt 5 years ago from The Med City

sueroy = Dave Barry's lovechild...

Holy Miami Sun, Batman, that's hilarious! Milk-snortin' ou'cher nose hilarious!

It just kept getting better and better! How do you do it? Why tequila, of course!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Kaie- Thank you for stopping by and leaving the nice comment.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris- here's some coffee, my friend. Let's sober up and go get those guns. I've got a gaggle of 4 year olds who's mother's have found it in their hearts to part with for a few hours. You grab the guns, I'll toss them the kids.

A hangover along with, "Why?", "How come", and "I'm hungry, and I want my mom!" should send them all running with a white flag.

I love the way you think. I start with a mediocre idea, and you make it golden. :)

Thanks Chris!!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Dave- you are too kind. I actually considered pulling this one. I just don't feel like I did justice to the idea. I probably should have had Chris work on it with me.

Thank you for thinking it was funny- also for thinking I'm young enough to be Dave Barry's love child.... now THAT's funny! "O)

You're sweet,Dave! Tell Cathy I said you're a keeper. :)


granniesharon profile image

granniesharon 5 years ago

I have to agree with your theory there!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Sharon- I'm not surprised. I'll bet you're mixing some margaritas right now in celebration of world peace!


Pixienot profile image

Pixienot 5 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana

Susan, I'm with you all the way. Laughing gas I could really go along with, and tequila... oh yeah!

You've done it again. I'm so proud of you. You are not a Dave Barry - you are Susan Roy - all in your own write.

Way to go kiddo!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Thanks mom,

Do you just want to make sure Dave knows you didn't do the tango with Mr. Barry! :)

Just kidding!

I actually wasn't thrilled with this one,so thanks for the atta-girl. :)

We'll get there.


Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

As I sit here and laugh not just to myself I am laughing out loud (LOL) (LMAO) I want to thank you for making my Monday so much Brighter! As soon as the liquor store opens I am off to buy some tequila. Cuervo Gold is my choice! Happy New Year let's all drink to happy bombs and tequila!


Tammy L profile image

Tammy L 5 years ago from Jacksonville, Texas

Tequila for the terrorists is a good idea in theory but after a few shots they'll tell you things you really didn't want to know. And tequila at the airports will be confiscated. They'll think the worm is just another remote detonator.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Susan-

Thank you for laughing. It does my heart good when someone laughs at what I wrote!

Cuervo Gold is my favorite too! I think I'll go get some and toast with you!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Tammy- I want to know whatever they'll tell me, then I can send them to Wayne and let him deal with them. I'm sure he'll be more than happy to help out!

The TSA guys will be hogging the tequila for sure, so I guess you may be right. Lord knows if I had to feel people up all day I'd need a shot every minute or two!

"Hey grandma, whatcha got under that legbrace?" yuk!


bettybarnesb 5 years ago

You are very gifted. Style of your own. I enjoy your work!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

betty- Thank you so much for the wonderful compliment. You just made my evening!


Mentalist acer profile image

Mentalist acer 5 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

Tequila,the miracle solution...get the truth out along with gravy stains,lol,funny stuff sueory.;)


tlpoague profile image

tlpoague 5 years ago from USA

This is too funny...I am sitting here snickering and my family is asking what's so funny. (I am selfish and don't want to share the laugh.)

OK...so I told them. (They are snickering now)

I am totally voting for the laughing gas. (I haven't seen tequila share many truths, but have seen plenty of fits fly from it.)

As for the comments about the children...I know of some free kids, just tell me how many you need.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Mentalist- I want to thank you. The liquor store is starting to think I'm an alcoholic due the large quantities of Cuervo Gold I have purchased in the name of world peace. I will now tell them it's to remove gravy stains. Perfect. No one will think I'm weird now!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Tip- this is why we need think tanks with brains like yours. See, I hadn't even considered the "fist flying" aspect. That's no good. It may have to be a combination laughing gas/tequila. I'm reluctant to give up on tequila altogether, for obvious reasons, such as... it goes great with a lime, things like that. Important stuff.

How generous of you to offer young'ens to help the cause. I'll take as many as you can spare. Oh, and maybe you could feed them some cauliflower first? If the kids go over farting as well as complaining, well, it may just be the perfect weapon!


tlpoague profile image

tlpoague 5 years ago from USA

Gram always told me the best weapon for that was her beans. I'll have to dig thru some files to find her recipe. As for the kids, it may take a day, I'll have to call in the clan. :)


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 5 years ago

Of course we will need more worm factories for the tequela, No? LOL.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Tip- I KNOW I posted a comment to your comment. I wonder where I put it?

Until I can find it, go ahead and round up the clan- I'll make sure the beans are ready, after all, it's only fair I do my share of the work. This is for a greater America!

ahorseback- hmmm. A little snag in my awesome plan. I had not considered the worms. Dangit. Tip.. TIP! Can your young'ns round up some extra worms on their way??


tlpoague profile image

tlpoague 5 years ago from USA

That is weird because I remember reading your comment. I will call the clan and see what kind of worms they can collect. I know one of them had a thing for those sweet and sour gummies. Aren't they a pain in the butt to get out of the couch?! One of them also has a collection of the meal worm worms. Maybe he can donate a few of those. (I hate the way they feel!) I will have to warn the clan to watch out for the worms that rattle. Give me a few days to get back with ya!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Tip- I'm so glad you remember the comment too! I thought maybe I had crossed that line I always flirt with, and gone right over into straight-jacket land!

The gummy worms would be awesome with Tequila! Meal worms are just gross, but yep, they should bring them anyway for the hard core worm drinkers that scoff at our gummies!

Glad you thought ahead about the rattling worms, the ones skimming the top of the water are probably worth avoiding as well.

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    Just think how efficiently everything would run if we just used Happy Bombs and tequila instead of blow-em-up bombs and beating the crap out of the criminals. (The cops can still beat on them after they get the information, that way it's a win-win situation.)

    Criminals. They can’t have Top Shelf either. But they should have tequila. Can you imagine? Instead of this conversation:

    “I’m sorry Sergeant Tuff Guy, but we’ve tried everything. We know he’s the guy, but he won’t confess and we don’t have enough evidence, we have to let him walk.”

    We would hear this conversation:

    “Hey, hiccup, Sergeant Tuff-n-gus, I did it. Yeppppp. Thas right. Me. Ok, sho Tommy onefingersh helped me ‘caush I can’t loads guns very wells, but I shot that gun. That wass some fine shootin’. I killed ‘em dead wish one shot! Is it hot in here? I feel like I shhhould take my clothesssh off.”

    “Book ‘em Danno”

    What about all these domestic squabbles you see on shows like Jerry Springer?.

    “He’s not the daddy.”

    Really? Have some tequila.

    “He’s the daddy, wanna see my boobs?”

    or…

    (Woman)“He was sleeping with my sister, I knowd he was!!”

    Really? Why don’t you both have some tequila?

    (Man)“I was sleeping with your brother, (beep), take that!”

    Problem solved. Oops, wait, sister needs some tequila….

    (Sister) “You were sleeping with my brother, Hell, I was sleepin’ with my brother!!”

    Perhaps a Happy Bomb would be in order here.

    The moral of the story is make love, not war. No, wait, that’s not the moral.The moral is drugs can be good when used properly, and there is always, always, always a use for tequila.

    OK, there is no moral. Just a hope for the future. Grab some Top Shelf Tequila Gold and toast to a better tomorrow. Have one for me.

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