The Absolute List of Dance Club DON'T's

FACT: GUYS LOVE DANCE CLUBS

FOR MANY REASONS. THEY GET TO DANCE WITH HOT GIRLS. DRINK THEIR BRAINS OUT. AND ACT FOOLISH FOR THE CAMERA. WHAT A GREAT TIME.
FOR MANY REASONS. THEY GET TO DANCE WITH HOT GIRLS. DRINK THEIR BRAINS OUT. AND ACT FOOLISH FOR THE CAMERA. WHAT A GREAT TIME.

In My Mid-Twenties

I loved to drink. Beer, whiskey, wine, vodka and well, just about any beverage that contained alcohol. This proved to be a near-fatal mistake. In years to come, I grew to regret my playful decision of "being my elbow," and "partying hearty," with my big boy friends who made this kind of life look glamorous. Easy. And actually, kinda cool. I found out (a few hard) ways that the newness of this "burn the candle at both ends" lifestyle can have serious consequences.

Consequences and blurred memories for example: wondering where you were the night before. And the night before that. How did your car not get wrecked in the condition you were in? And what did you promise to that "friendly" girl with no morals at some party you were seen dancing on the dining room table in your Fruit Of The Look underwear?

My two main "bar club buddies," were Kenneth "Wild Man" Stone and Wayne Rea, both of Hamilton, Alabama. And these are their real names. We visited clubs with names such as: The Shade Tree Lounge, formerly in business in Tupelo, Mississippi and The River Club once in business in Muscle Shoals, Alabama. Now don't credit us too much. We were not the reasons these clubs shut down. We were only frequent visitors to this side of life that presented us with smoky rooms, loud, untalented bar bands (who always played too loud) and plenty of booze to make our nights out complete.

And to close "my" time of bar-hopping or clubbing as it was called during this time of my life, I do not recall that many rules when it came to visiting one of these wild clubs. The only thing we guys had to remember was do not get into a fight for we were always the out-of-town guys and he local authorities always side with the locals, so we three practiced being cool. That was pretty much it. No wardrobe rules such as having to wear a black tie. Or suit. Just have your nakedness covered and of course, wear shoes, and we were in business. Clubbing in my twenties. Distorted times.

HOT CHICKS LOVE TO VISIT DANCE CLUBS

FOR MANY REASONS. THEY GET TO DANCE WITH DRUNK GUYS AND SPEND THEIR MONEY. DRINK GIRLIE DRINKS AND LOOK HOT FOR THE CAMERA.
FOR MANY REASONS. THEY GET TO DANCE WITH DRUNK GUYS AND SPEND THEIR MONEY. DRINK GIRLIE DRINKS AND LOOK HOT FOR THE CAMERA.

It wasn't until many years later . . .

that, being my nature, I found a valuable, well, near-priceless list of Don't's when it comes to visiting a dance club. Did you know that a list of this nature even existed? I didn't. That was until one day, with nothing really productive to do, I fought my boredom by "surfing the web," on a cheap PC with very little hard drive and power, and I believe that by accident, I stumbled upon a true "treasure trove" of information that would benefit anyone, male, female, American or European, even a well-trained gorilla named, "Jake," if he were to choose a dance club for a few hours of leisurely Friday (or Saturday) night fun.

This "Absolute List of DON'T's Concerning Dance Clubs," is not for sale. I'm very sorry. Even if you begged me to take your bag of cash in denominations of 10, 20 and 50-dollar bills, I wouldn't have the nerve to take your dough. Go on. Try me. I would rather GIVE you, the would-be guys and gals, who have never been inside a swanky dance club, my inside information that would guarantee, that's right, guarantee YOU a night free from hassles, harassment and humiliation. Sound good? Well just read the remainder of this hub and go for it. What have you got to lose?

PEOPLE LOVE TO CONSUME ALCOHOL AT DANCE CLUBS

TO GET UP THEIR COURAGE TO ASK A HOT GIRL (LIKE THIS ONE) TO DANCE. OR JUST BECAUSE THEY LOVE THE TASTE OF BEER, WINE, VODKA OR WHISKEY.
TO GET UP THEIR COURAGE TO ASK A HOT GIRL (LIKE THIS ONE) TO DANCE. OR JUST BECAUSE THEY LOVE THE TASTE OF BEER, WINE, VODKA OR WHISKEY.

This List is Broken Down into 5 Strategic Areas

1. PARKING LOT/VALET PARKING

2. DANCE CLUB ENTRACE

3. DANCE FLOOR

4 BAR and

5. PERSONAL CONDUCT IN DANCE CLUB


The reason being that it is in these FIVE areas are where most newcomers to dance clubs either face trouble or walk smack-dab into a troublesome scene that they don't know any better than to just run off and avoid questions from authorities who love to investigate this type of social trouble.


THIS PERSON IS YOUR BEST FRIEND AT A DANCE CLUB

HE IS "TODD," A PROFESSIONAL BARTENDER. HE KNOWS HOW TO MIX OVER 1,000 DRINKS. HE SPEAKS FLUENT ENGLISH AND CAN SAY THINGS LIKE, "PAL, I'M GONNA CALL YOU A  CAB," IF YOU OVERDO IT. ALWAYS BE GOOD TO THE BARTENDER IN A DANCE CLUB.
HE IS "TODD," A PROFESSIONAL BARTENDER. HE KNOWS HOW TO MIX OVER 1,000 DRINKS. HE SPEAKS FLUENT ENGLISH AND CAN SAY THINGS LIKE, "PAL, I'M GONNA CALL YOU A CAB," IF YOU OVERDO IT. ALWAYS BE GOOD TO THE BARTENDER IN A DANCE CLUB.
GARY SINISE, STAR OF CSI: NEW YORK AND "LIEUTENANT DAN," OF FORREST GUMP, PLAYS IN A JAZZ CLUB WITH HIS BAND, "THE LT. DAN BAND."
GARY SINISE, STAR OF CSI: NEW YORK AND "LIEUTENANT DAN," OF FORREST GUMP, PLAYS IN A JAZZ CLUB WITH HIS BAND, "THE LT. DAN BAND."
IGGY POP, A FAVORITE AMONG DANCE CLUB FANS, PERFORMS AT CLUBS WHEN HE IS NOT DOING A MOVIE.
IGGY POP, A FAVORITE AMONG DANCE CLUB FANS, PERFORMS AT CLUBS WHEN HE IS NOT DOING A MOVIE.
HERE IS THE PRETTY GIRL AGAIN OFFERING YOU A VODKA MARTINI. I TOLD YOU PEOPLE DRINK INSIDE DANCE CLUBS.
HERE IS THE PRETTY GIRL AGAIN OFFERING YOU A VODKA MARTINI. I TOLD YOU PEOPLE DRINK INSIDE DANCE CLUBS.
SOME DANCE CLUB PARTIES START IN PUBLIC SUCH AS WHEN HOLLYWOOD STARS WALK DOWN THE RED CARPET. SEE THE ANXIOUS BLOND TO THE RIGHT? SHE IS READY TO PARTY.
SOME DANCE CLUB PARTIES START IN PUBLIC SUCH AS WHEN HOLLYWOOD STARS WALK DOWN THE RED CARPET. SEE THE ANXIOUS BLOND TO THE RIGHT? SHE IS READY TO PARTY.

The DON'T'S in

the PARKING LOT/VALET PARKING

are:

DON'T show up in a "beater," a car or truck that belches smoke. Back-fires. And has a a seat torn in shreds by your dog, "Lucifer." If there are any hot chicks watching you, they will judge you as a "poor loser," by a vehicle such as this. And the valet parking guys will make fun of you to your face. If you cannot afford a luxury car, lease one. Or borrow your aunt Sophie's vintage Studebaker. Girls love "old money" and so so valet parking guys.

DON'T start acting "tough" with anyone in the parking lot. No one. Just keep your head down and walk slowly to the dance club entrace. If you are carrying a wad of cash, do not flash it as you walk. Thugs who thrive on innocent club patrons might choose you as their next prey. Be cool. Talk very little to the parking valet guys and please tip them generously. You will thank me later.

DON'T say stupid things to people coming out of, or going into the dance club, including the valet parking guys, "Wow, what a tall building," this statement alone tells people that YOU are a country rube. A bona fide bumpkin. Keep your mouth shut. That way no one will know where you are from.

DANCE CLUB ENTRANCE

are:

DON'T get in line and start mumbling things (to impress the hot girls) like, "Don't have all night here," or even worse, "I'm an important man. Got people inside to see. Drinks to drink. Let's move it up there," or else, "Bruno," a six-foot, six, 280-pound, ex-Navy Seal, the security guard, or bouncer, will suddenly tell you to 'beat it,' for your kind of people (rubes, bumpkins) are not welcome inside the swanky dance club.

DON'T over-react if a local club-goer bumps into you. This might be an accident. And for you to yell at the top of your lungs, "Thief! Pick-pocket here!" might get your butt handed to you by several of this guy's friends who by the way, are World Class boxers out on the town.

DON'T start "acting" as if you are chatting on your cell phone to look cool to the hot girls in line. "Yeah, this is Doctor Williams, Chief of Staff at Boston General Hospital. I pull down around $5 million a year, drive a Bentley and have perfect credit," who are you kidding--standing there in slacks from TARGET, shoes from Shoe World, and your shirt from Dollar General? Hey, city girls are sharp. They know without you saying word that you barely have enough for cab fare when your night is over. Be cool. Do not talk. This way you will appear mysterious. Girls love that.

DANCE FLOOR

are:

DON'T "barge right up" to the first hot girl on the dance floor of a dance club and start doing the current dance, namely, the "sprinkler," or you will end up looking foolish. No, you WILL BE A FOOL. Just be casual. Find a girl who is as out-of-place as you and take it easy. First talk to her. Tell her the truth about yourself. And ask in a gentle tone if she wants to dance. That works pretty much all the time.

DON'T yell to the crowd, "get back, people," wave your arms in the air and squat while you walk and say, "can anybody do this new dance?" Of course you will be a laughingstock. These city girls and guys know all of the current dances. Why? They are paid party people. It's their job to keep in "the know" about dances.

DON'T shove or push a guy aside trying to pull that outdated, "may I cut-in," move, or you will be hit in the mouth. Hard. This might work at the barn dances where you reside, but not in New York City or Los Angeles, the Dance Club Capitals of The World. If you are lucky, a lonesome hot chick who's drinking hard, will want you to be her friend for she has lost her guy, an investment banker to her best friend, "Rose," so be her friend. That's all. DO NOT act on your impulses. She is hurting right now. Show some class. Be a gentleman.

at THE BAR

are:

DON'T squeeze in between two guys or girls who are enjoying themselves with a drink. You don't know these people. And they might not want to know you. Find a secluded place, maybe a booth, order your drink and drink it quietly. The best way to taste success in a big city dance club is not to bring attention to yourself. And be sure to tip your waitress generously. Word will soon get around that you are a man of taste. Manners. A civilized man. Girls love that.

DON'T yell at the bartender who is at the other end of the bar, "Am I gonna get a drink 'TONIGHT,' or what?" Talk about bad karma. All of a sudden. This will do it. Every time. The bartender will get to your drink order. Be patient. Eat the free peanuts on the bar. But do not anger this bartender. They are pro's. They know how to handle themselves.

DON'T get into any argument with anyone, while you are at the bar. This does not pay. Agree with the guy who swears that Elvis Presley is his brother. Say they favor a lot. Buy him a drink. Laugh. If he gets violent, let him bash your face in, but do not take matters into your own hands. The security guard, "Bruno," whom we met at the dance club entrance, will remove this troublemaker from the dance club. Not you. Be a good dance club patron.

in YOUR PERSONAL BEHAVIOR in a Dance Club

are:

DON'T "drink like a fish," and get drunk in any dance club. Terrible things might happen to you. You might be robbed. Beaten up. Or worse, thrown out. Take it easy. You are here for a good time, not to compete with "Budd," The Dance Club Beer Guzzling Champ, for a free round of beer. You will lose this game. I promise. "Budd," knows how to sucker you into betting your last $50 dollars you can beat him in downing Schlitz beers. Just walk away. Save your money. And do not get intoxicated. You need your wits about you in order to get home.

DON'T force a girl to let you buy her a drink. If she says no, that means no. If you insist, she will think you are a stalker. Or a freak who likes to aggravate strange women. And she might be "Bruno's" sister. You remember "Bruno," the ex-Navy Seal who is the security guard? Just relax. Walk around. Talk to people who really want to talk to you. You will have a better time if you don't force yourself on anyone.

DON'T (if you are feeling your drinks), start belting-out the lyrics to the songs played by the professional club band, for you will not get the words to the songs right in your intoxicated condition. People will soon realize that you are drunk and put you up to singing as loud as you can for a laugh. You are better than this. If you feel as if you are drinking too much, sit down. Eat something. Stop drinking right then. Tell the bartender you want a cab to take you home. This way you will get home safe and sound. And with your dignity intact.





If you will just

follow these easy rules for having fun inside a dance club, I promise you that your headaches the next day will be nominal. You will feel better about yourself. And just maybe you can educate some of your friends who are always nagging you to take them to a swanky dance club.

If I were you, I would start by indoctrination with my friends by telling them first, all about "Bruno," the ex-Navy Seal and how much he enjoys his job as the club security guard. The easier you make his job, the better.

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Comments 31 comments

Maddie Ruud profile image

Maddie Ruud 4 years ago from Oakland, CA

I never go to dance clubs, if I can avoid it. You'll find me parked at the counter of my local dive bar.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

Hi, how many times did I say, no I won't do this or that before I went into a club? lol! yep, still ended up doing it! thanks for the laugh! nell


KimberlyLake profile image

KimberlyLake 4 years ago from California

I had a good laugh. They should post this as required reading before going in the club. Socially shared.


hoteltravel profile image

hoteltravel 4 years ago from Thailand

kenneth, you really know how to say things without being preachy. Excellent tips and funny to read. Thanks for the laugh. Voted up and funny. And shared.


shea duane profile image

shea duane 4 years ago from new jersey

So funny... Hey Ken, I used to be a bartender and I can tell you, you are right! But you forgot one thing... don't puke on the bar... you don't realize how many times that happened when I was working... mostly milk drinks like white russians... gross huh?


ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 4 years ago

Sigh..i'm quite sure i've met too many who did when they shouldn't have, and didn't when they should have. yeah, quite sure! Lol. Adorable hub, Kenny. I DO want to vote it up and I DON'T want it to go to your booze-addled head!


Seeker7 profile image

Seeker7 4 years ago from Fife, Scotland

LOL! A brilliant and funny hub - reminding us all too well the things we do when we have told ourselves a million times not to do them! I think once inside the club it's amazing how memories just blank out and we go down the same road of committing the 'dont's' - maybe it's being human, maybe it's being crazy or maybe just a bit of both!

Another classic Kenneth - voted up funny + awesome!


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Oh, Kenneth, this is too funny! All great advice and it made me laugh! We've all seen the "dont's" on your list and maybe have even done a couple ourselves! Great hub, as usual.


Giselle Maine 4 years ago

Awesome! Funny and informative all at once. Great work.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

MADDIE: wise choice. I can tell you from personal experience . . .if the thick layers of tobacco smoke wont get ya, the troublemaker drunk in all the bars I was in will. I think there is a special secret training area somewhere near Area 51, Roswell, who trains barroom drunks, for a fee, and dispatches them far and near thinking that the newly-graduated drunk will give whatever bar he lands in, some atmosphere. OOOPS, did I say, Area 51? And Roswell? Errr, don't tell the Federal Government, but "I" happen to KNOW all the inside secrets of Area 51. But Im not worried. The Fed's don't even know me or what hubs are.

Have a great day, Maddie.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Nell and Im with you. Been there and done it all. Said I would drink too much. Did it anyway when a buddy always says, "one more wont kill ya," but it wasn't him with the hangover the next day. It was my head. Glad that those days are only history.

Thanks for the comment and Ive missed you, Nell.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Kimberly, glad that this gave you a laugh. That was the whole purpose. If I can make ONE person happy, then I can sleep at night. Or in the daytime. Please come back and visit more often.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

THANKS, hoteltravel . . .I don't like for people to "preach" to me except my minister who doesn't YELL, but teaches, and I don't do that to others. Not a good practice. I could lose more friends that way. Id rather listen and learn from YOU and my Friends.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, shea,

where have you been lately? Been thinking of you and missing you too. And I thank you for the input . . .White Russians, not a good mental image Im having. I challenged a good pal of mine last summer, in July, for us to go out at noon, the hottest part of the day, take a Fifth of Evan Williams, the "Diesel Fuel" of whiskies, drink it straight...no ice...and chow down on sardines at the same time....this game was to see how much of a man we both were. We chose to just sit in the air conditioning and watch Jessica Alba movies. I think that was a wise choice. Right?

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, ImKarn . . .thank you and it wont--go to my booze-addled head. My head nowadays is clear and Im able to remember my name since I have long since given up on shutting down Anheiser-Busch single handed. Oh and Jacky Daniels too. I left that for the more-gutsy men. Thanks for the comment and vote.

Please visit with me often.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Seeker7,

and a Huge Thank YOU for your truthful comment. "Oh the best-laid plans of mice and men," (Steinbeck) fits this occasion. I can hear me with my buds, "now, guys, the plan is to have a FEW drinks, speak to a few chicks, and leave," that soon turned into LOTS OF DRINKS AND LOTS OF GREETINGS TO WHAT CHICKS WOULD LET US talk to them. Guess they felt sorry for me. And us.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Dear catgypsy . . .thank you kindly for your nice comments. I wonder if a hub about the "DO's" of a dance club would work? Like "do" be nice to the guy who is six foot, five, 290 pounds and wants to dance with your date. Like that. And "do" take a bologna sandwich in your suit pocket to eat when you have had too many drinks. I might just do that. Thanks, cat, for the inspiration.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Giselle,

where have you been for so long? I used to see you all of the time. Hope you are okay. I sincerely thank you for your nice comment on this hub. MY FOLLOWERS are THE BEST. This is a FACT.

Visit with me more often, Giselle.

Kenneth

PS: I still use the blue/gray boxes in hubs that you taught me how to make---thanks again!


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Good idea Kenneth!


Maddie Ruud profile image

Maddie Ruud 4 years ago from Oakland, CA

Kenneth!

If you'd believe some Hubbers I already work for the Federal Government, so maybe I *do* know what you're talking about. ;)


jollyjancecandies@hotmail.com 4 years ago

i would like to start a nightclub. This little town i live in north jersey kinda sucks, super boring and needs some excitement that's why i want to start one if anyone wants to help me out with this i would love the help. you can contact me at cv_money@yahoo.com


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

DEAR catgypsy, Okay for the good idea comment...in the near future, a surprise hub about DO's of Dance and Night Clubs, wonder if there are any Day Clubs? Anyway, I sincerely thank you for your sweet comment. Have a restful Friday.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Maddie . . .no qualms about you working for the Fed's. We have to sustain ourselves, Maddie. And "I" believe whatever YOU tell me. Guess what? I made myself a pitcher of iced team at 6:45 a.m. today. Maddie: If this were a code for the Fed's to unravel, would you be able to do it?

Thanks for always making my day, Maddie. You are OK!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

jollyjance . . .you are very wise in choosing the worldwide web as your ad base. You will most assuredly get some takers with your comment. I wish I had the dough to give you, but sadly, I don't.

Sorry.

Kenneth


Sueswan 4 years ago

Hi Kenneth,

The dance clubs nowadays have that boom boom music that I can't stand. I am sounding like my mother. lol I use to go to a place called Studebakers(not a dance club) where they played 50's music. I couldn't stand the guys that would wait to the end of the night to ask a girl to dance, hoping they would get lucky.

Thanks for this entertaining hub my friend.

Voted up and awesome.

Take Care :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Dearest Susan,

Thank YOU kindly for your comments on this controversial subject. Yup. Boom boom music is the tone of the day for dance clubs 2012. I like your choice better--50's songs. And you were wise to turn down those "Friendly Henry's" at night's end. You are a wise woman.

You take care also.

Kenneth


abrodech profile image

abrodech 3 years ago from 130 Linden St, Oakland, California, 94607

OMGosh this is a hilarious but true article!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear abrodech,

Thank you very much for your sweet comment.

I won't forget your super-nice heart.


abrodech profile image

abrodech 3 years ago from 130 Linden St, Oakland, California, 94607

Haha, I just didn't know how to else to say, but I'm glad on behalf of women everywhere that you wrote this article to educated the unknowing male population


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Sweet abrodech,

Thank you, my lovely new friend.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm just taking up space on this earth.

But your comment changed my thinking.

I.O. You Big Time!


abrodech profile image

abrodech 2 years ago from 130 Linden St, Oakland, California, 94607

:) glad I could be of service

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