The Crazy Lunch Lady

I don't know her real name, but we used to call her Pearle, because it just seemed so fitting. Others called her bitch, cunt, or lesbian...but Pearle was so suiting for our lunch lady.

Pearle served as the lunch lady from morning till noon. At 12 noon she retired serving us our green hot dogs, and she took on a new afternoon role of hall monitor. She was a meaner hall monitor than she was a lunch lady.

Pearle never bothered me, and I never bothered Pearle. I mean I admit to laughing at the jokes my friends would make about her, but I never was one of those douche bag kids that would throw shit at her, or tell her to shave her beard like others did.

I always smiled at her, and she never smiled back. I was fine with that though my smiles were sincere for the most part.

I figured either she didn't smile back because she thought I was an asshole just looking to mess with her, or she never smiled back because she didn't want people to see that her rotting fuzzy green teeth were more awful looking than the green hot dogs were.

At any rate though Pearle and I had some sort of silent agreement. By my second year in high school Pearle even began smiling back, and waving to me in the hallways when I'd pass her by. I didn't mind my friends making fun of me for being cordial to this woman. I mean hell, I felt sorry for her, and I certainly knew what it was like to be picked on. I was picked on as a young child, and this woman was my elder, I wasn't going to be like those asshole jock strap kids who would wolf whistle when she walked by. She was my elder, and she deserved to be treated like a human, just like anyone else.

My friends would call her a cunt all of the time, and this one girl Vanessa actually yelled the C word right at her once.

I never understood it. Pearl the lunch lady never bothered me none, and I'd never seen her be cruel or nasty to any of the kids, so I always just figured they were being assholes because she was beautifully challenged.

It's not her fault her teeth were green, maybe she had some sort of tooth decaying virus or something. I'm sure she could have taken care of the beard, and possibly of showered her greasy bug infested hair, and yeah, maybe she could have plucked the 3 inch black pubic hair growing from the large mole on her face; but nonetheless, I never seen her be mean to no one.

That changed though, and I saw the ugly side of Pearle that I only thought resided on the outside.

It was so unexpected too, because I'd been nice to her for a real long time. Waved, smiled... and she even waved and smiled back... and then one day she just turned on me, just like that!

All this time my friends had been right?! All this time while they were yelling the C word at her, or throwing food at her when her back was turned was all for good reasons!

I couldn't believe it!

Here was how it happened; the day I saw Pearle's true colors shine from her greased face.

-See I was not necessarily late for class. I was literately about to step my foot into Chemistry when the bell rang. I was safe; or so I thought.

Pearle who had her hall monitoring desk set up right outside my room rose from her chair and grabbed my shoulder.

"Go get a hall pass! You cannot be roaming the halls after the bell has rang"

I looked inside at my Chemistry teacher, hoping she'd come to my rescue. Clearly I had not been 'roaming any halls', I was just stepping into class.

Our school is literately so gigantic and the 3 minute hall times were not enough (they changed it to 8 minutes after I graduated).I was the kind of kid who didn't even bother with a locker because I knew going to my locker would make me late. I carried all my fuckin text books with me, and rushed from class to class just to be on time.

Yet one time, I get held up because of some stupid ass bitch fight that put all hallways to a screeching halt, and now Pearle is harping on me!

The Chemistry teacher, Thank God saw me, and told Pearle that it was okay! That I was in class. The Chem teacher though said it with a rude tone, It was obvious that she too did not like Pearle.

I sat down in my chair. My desk unfortunately was set so that I could look right into the hallway at Pearle. Would you believe what she did? My eyes remained open, frozen like mini icebergs at the crude display Pearle was putting on for me.

This wombat stuck her tongue out at me like a fucking window licker. I swore I could smell her breath from where I sat. A stench of dirty vagina and dried up sea weed.

She then did the most incredible thing I think I have ever seen an old person do. She balled up her fist, and began winding her other hand around the fist... she was doing that thing us kids did. Pearle was fishing up a middle finger!

I sat there watching her transform from Pearle to the rancid monster everyone else saw her as. Her hair turned to black straw, so dry I could light it on fire with an unlit match. Her eyes turned red with no pupils, blood began oozing from the sockets and it down her gray pale clay like face, and her mouth wrapped around her entire head displaying rows of sharp rotting green decaying teeth. Her mole took up one entire half of her face, and I watched the one solitary pubic hair that grew from the mole take on a spastic life of it own, flipping around on her face like a worm digging its way out of a tight hole.

Yes, I have always had a wild imagination, but maybe this was the image every other kid saw when they looked at Pearle. Maybe this was the reason they were the way they were towards her.

Soon I snapped back into reality, and wondered what on earth I could possibly have done for Pearle to just turn into this monster on me? She wasn't out to punish a bad kid who roamed hallways on a constant- I wasn't that kid! She was simply out for me! Out for blood!

The next day I began laughing a little harder at the jokes myfriends told about Pearle. I began giving her dirty looks, and I also began bringing in my own lunch. I knew after yesterdays random display of mental retardation Pearle would probably poison my lunch food, or worse, put a spell on me with that black cauldron she probably hides in the back kitchen dumpster. There was no way in hell I was scoffing down on anything Pearle ever made.

After lunch, I watched as Pearle waded her way through the lunchroom to rush up to begin her hall monitoring session.

I dreaded Chemistry that day, I knew she'd be right out that door, across the hallway staring me down. I knew she'd transform into that ghoulie she turned into yesterday, and I knew my time was ticking.

I had to beat Pearle to class, before she sat her ass down at the monitors desk.

The frigging lunch room monitor would not let me leave early though. Through the doors and in the distance I watched Pearle gliding through the empty hallway I knew she'd be taking one flight of stairs up to her monitoring desk.

She looked more like a slug today. You know how they move with just glide along leaving behind a trail of slime? That's how Pearle walked. I imagined her whole body turning into something like Slimer from Ghostbusters. Ooey, gooey, fat, and hilariously disgusting all at the same time.

The bell finally rang. I rushed through the doors, and made my way through the over packed hallways. I had to get to class.

I made the bell that day, a few seconds early too. Pearle was already at her desk. The class was settling in.

My friend Tracy pointed over at our lab table. There were 4 mystery solutions sitting on each lab table. It was obvious today we would be doing some stupid project with chemicals.

Tracy grabbed a beaker filled with some sort of green goo. Slimer?

She then raised her finger up to her mouth as to shhhh me. I knew what was going on, and the timing was so beautiful it could be turned into a love song.

The chemistry teacher was in the classroom closet going about her business. The woman was like 90, and half blind, so it was fitting for what was about to go down. Pearle took a trip into the bathroom which was located right next to her desk (how glamorous!).

After Tracy grabbed the green ooze, I grabbed another test tube filled with clear liquid.

Tracy quickly poured half of the ooze onto Pearle's desk. I followed suit by spilling the entire contents of the liquid in my test tube out on top of the green ooze.

Well the chemical reaction took just seconds. By then though Tracy and I were silently sitting in our seats watching the show.

The desk was smoking. Like a cool mist of green and yellow fog. The smell hit me quickly. I held my nose. I had no clue if what we'd just poured on her desk was toxic or not.

We were both dying while we tried holding in laughter, especially when Pearle exited the bathroom to see such a display. Thankfully the smoking had died off by the time she got there. The ooze though turned into a nasty thicker jelly like substance that was now a burnt orange color.

She ran into our classroom and pointed at me! ME?!?! She began accusing me of putting chemicals on her desk.

The chemistry teacher who was practically half dead looked out at her desk and clearly saw the mess. I figured I was done for. I would be blamed (righteously) and expelled for endangering the health of other students, and the staff (monster).

Instead though I watched my Chemistry teachers arms go up into a shrug. I then heard her say: "I have no idea what you are talking about! Quit disrupting my class! All of my students have been seated in their chairs! NO ONE left the room!"

With that she then walked inside leaving Pearle out at her desk. I then watched the Chemistry teachers eyes look over at our lab table. She knew. She looked right at the empty test tube and half empty green ooze. For a quick moment I thought I'd be in trouble. Busted! Instead though for one nano second I saw a smirk.

Had I amused the teacher?

I gazed back out the door and watched as Pearle wiped the desk off with a look of sadness and disgust on her face. I could hear it sloshing around, and I knew it probably smelled like fart.

For a hot minute I felt like a real scum bag because I knew exactly what I was going to do next.

Pearle looked up into the room at me. She gave me  a demonic icy cold stare.

I smiled at her as I crunched my left fist into a ball, and reeled up my middle finger.

I wonder what type of monster I had transformed into in her imagination?