The Golden Years are Coming to Getcha

As I've said before, I am a lucky man. I work in hardware distribution where there is only one way out: feet first, in a bag. People don't retire, they die, maybe at their desk. They work well past their usefulness, but they are kept around because hardware buyers like to talk to them. Of course as the Internet belatedly invades the business, perhaps things will change and I'll be forced to retire. Perhaps a server made by Cisco Systems will take over my job. If this happens I'll have to find something to do. It shouldn't be impossible to find something useful to do. Many people are already retired. What do they do?

Source

The Environment

Many retired people work as hands-on technicians in the exciting field of resource recovery. As glass and plastics specialists, they play a major role in resource recovery and landfill reduction by helping the greater public recycle these valuable resources. Working at all hours, they efficiently screen household discarded items left in the street for the sanitation department for containers that can be returned for deposit. Armed with a shopping cart, bicycle or recycled pram, they collect hundreds of thousands of returnable containers every week and return them to the collection center for recycling. Combing their neighbors garbage gives them a sense of purpose and dignity as they help to improve our ecosystem while supplementing their fixed, meager, so-called Social Security income. It's a win-win situation!

Food Distribution Manager

Many retired persons work in the field of food distribution management. This is a high pressure job that requires a soft touch, skill with spatial arrangement, product knowledge, and consumate people skills. The pressure starts when the conveyor belt first starts to move and the cashier's fingers fly across the keys, and builds as the sold product accumulates in the staging area and must be placed in the light wood- or petroleum-based contatiner for transport. If you have ever been given a timed block puzzle test by a psychologist, then you have an idea what the Food Distribution Manager goes through as they sort and pack the food products into transport containers. They must know what can go on top of what, and what needs to be taped shut, And they must show friendliness and courtesy as they ask the timeless question, "paper or plastic."

Job Creation

Simply getting old will create a lot of jobs for other people. There will be adult diapers to change, sponge baths to be given, and the guilt of careless relatives to be assuaged. Retired people can feel useful just vegging out and doing nothing, letting the staff do every last thing for them, from feeding to its opposite. I have to admit that the idea is somewhat attractive after having worked and worked, year after year after year, explaining the difference between fail safe and fail secure to glass installers, to just sit and do absolutely nothing sounds wonderful. And if I do, I will be creating jobs. Isn't that special?

Entertainment

Positions are waiting to be filled in the unpaid entertainment industry. You can volunteer to act up on the bus or be eccentric in the park. These diversions add so much color and atmosphere to the otherwise youth-dominated urban scene. Whereas life could be plain vanilla, seniors make it tutti fruity. Whereas a trip to the park could be mundane and boring, an old duffer raving at the top of his lungs at the pigeons makes it a true adventure. I'll tell you, if I'm forced to retire, Daft Old Man is where it's at for me.

Daft Old Man

Yes, if I fail to die before I have to retire, I'm going to be a Daft Old Man. As it is, I am a Daft Middle-aged Man now, so it is not so great a leap. My needs are simple. I don't need a lot of food, and I don't mind if I go a little hungry so I'm sure that my Social Security benefits will be adequate for my need. I trust my government implicitly to give me back the money I put into the Social Security system. Why shouldn't I? The government has never lied, has it?

Wait, are these the words of a Daft Old Man? Mission accomplished!

How will you spend your golden years?

When you are old you will:

  • Live on your Social Security benefits.
  • Live on the wealth you have acquired.
  • Continue to work until you die.
  • Live on the money provided by your children.
See results without voting

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Comments 22 comments

goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

good one, that's some mean sarcasm going on there!


fishskinfreak2008 profile image

fishskinfreak2008 7 years ago from Fremont CA

Very interesting ideas. You know, my dad who teaches at the Chinese University of Hong Kong has an upper limit of 65 when he HAS TO retire. If we look at it this way, it's nice to be in the US wher3e you can choose to work for as long as you like


Bruce Elkin profile image

Bruce Elkin 7 years ago from Victoria, BC Canada

Ah, this helps. Now I have a retirement plan -- to be a Daft Old Man. Or maybe I'm so daft already that I don't realize that I've already achieved that status. Good one!


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

All I can say is, it's nice to be useful and to have fun. Age limits will become more universal as the population continues to grow. Something to look forward to!

I'm also looking forward to the next movie by Stephen Segal and Sylvester Stallone, "Daft Old Action Heros"


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

I love the wry, honest humor here. Whereas other older people might be finding ways to turn the other way and go back through the help of science, you have actually scouted out the place even before you get there! I think I;m gonna adopt your attitude though Ive still a long way to go! Thanks for sharing :D


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Cris, may you always be young at heart. 


Debby Bruck profile image

Debby Bruck 7 years ago

We're all aging out. This generation will find ways to be useful in society. Technology brings the generations together.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Well, if no other way presents, perhaps I would make good fertilizer. 

Sometimes I see my kids, each one vegging out in front of a computer, or plugged into an iPod in their own little world, and I can't even get their attention, much less have a conversation with them, and I am not all that sure about technology bringing us together.  But while they're playing Diner Dash, I can write another Hub! 


Jim Batuyong profile image

Jim Batuyong 7 years ago from Anaheim, CA

Well done Sir. Very funny look at a not so funny subject. I too look forward to screaming at birds in the park when I retire. Wait, was that the only choice? I meant that one about recycling or was it wait...I really want to play golf and fish when I retire. Which one is that? :)


Purple Perl profile image

Purple Perl 7 years ago from Bangalore,India

Thanks Tom for answering my request.Humourous outlook helps one lead a positive life.And it rubs off on all your readers.


SiddSingh profile image

SiddSingh 7 years ago

Hi Tom! Whatever you do, keep writing great hubs like this one!


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

I'm sorry, what was my name again?

Jim, your next hub simply MUST be about how golf is useful to society.

Purple, if we can't laugh, might as well pack it in now.

SiddSingh, good to see you! You know, at this point I really feel I have no choice but to continue to subject the world to my semi-coherent ramblings.

Thanks for visting!


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 7 years ago

Love the tongue in cheek!  I pretty much know what I'll be doing when and if I ever get to retire.  Ten years to go, sigh.  My hope is that I'll be in as good physical condition as I am now.  If so, my time will be spent watching old movies, reading books, spending time with my family and scouting through fleamarkets and junk stores.  I do these now but I'll have a lot more time, hopefully, to do it even more.

Thanks for sharing!


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Ten years from now I'll either be still working in the door hardware industry (from which there is no escape) or I'll be dead. I can't say which I'm looking forward to more!


foxility profile image

foxility 7 years ago

I'm not close to retiring but I think I will keep this article handy.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Ah, I wouldn't bother. By the time you're old enough to need it, you won't be able to remember where it is!


C. C. Riter 7 years ago

Love your style dude. Love all hardware people, some of me favorite persons on the globe, not those at the big Chain outlets, they don't know chit.

Going to join your fan club now if you'll have me.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Heartfelt thanks from a rapidly deteriorating "middle-aged" man! Excuse me, I have to go figure out whether or not I took my pill.


Amanda Severn profile image

Amanda Severn 7 years ago from UK

Tom,

You've excelled yourself. I guess we have two choices. We can either grow old gracefully, or grow old dis-gracefully. I'm opting for the latter, and I plan to be as loud and outrageous as possible in my dotage to make up for all my years being meek and mild. Put me down for the Daft Old Lady, and while you're at it sign me up for interfering Grandma and curtain-twitching neighbour, after all we need to keep busy when we retire!


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Absolutely! But you should start building your resume now. Maybe make a little trouble on the bus. Live a little.


vocalcoach profile image

vocalcoach 6 years ago from Nashville Tn.

Tom,

Here I am (70's) and I love this age. I teach singing and piano and love what I do. I am lucky to have inherited good genes and look much much younger than I am. Sure, I have aches and pains and get tired faster than I used to. But, hey - I have earned the right to say, do and dress as I like - and I do! Look out world, I maybe old but I have a young and outragious mind. You never know what I will come up with next. Thank God, i am still here. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

Great hub - thanks.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 6 years ago from United States Author

Bless you and keep up the good work! And yes, thank God you are still here.

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